the difference

I suppose the difference between genius and brilliance and mumbo-jumbo or ordinary rambling is finding the right words to express whatever it is being thought or felt... sometimes (often, he says almost bashfully) I feel so brilliant as I am tapping on the keyboard and then I look up to find words that let me down in their composition and content... and sometimes (not quite as often) I read my writing and feel like I wrote something truly brilliant, but even then it is rare that anyone else sees what I see in the words and that's disappointing, but no reflection on you, dear reader...

it is possible that my thoughts are not quite so brilliant as I think and it is very likely that my writing skills are far from adequate to produce reflective brilliancy in words even if I have a brilliant thought...

but I enjoy it and that is why i continue and that is what matters to me... except for feeling lonely in life, everything is wonderfully beautiful in my mind...

when I feel the loneliness I can come off as very unappreciative because I want what I want right now (then) and I can feel so alone and look around in physical space and see that nobody really is here caring and understanding and listening to me, no less sharing perspectives and bonding...

when I post those whiney or mopey or even angry words, please do not take the selfish child too seriously, especially do not think the resentment or poor-me spitting is aimed at you... I don't mean to spit that dissatisfaction anywhere near you, but I do want to express it and record it as it is an accurate reflection of the me I experience in daily life... and alone, with no one to smile at me and pull me out of it, I can slide into a rant of sorts about how mean life is because it does not provide a partner for me...

I appreciate you tolerating my tantrums (if they can be called that since they are rather off the beaten path at times) and returning to reassure me that you care... you make the difference between my writing in a vacuum for only myself and my believing I might have something worth saying when you show me that caring is real in this world...

now go read the next entry below cuz I just wrote that a few hours ago and much more reflective of how today (Saturday) was and how I feel right now (ironically, I did go back to the library thing, but found it was shut down for routine maintenance and that's why the browser choked, which amazes me cuz this computer hasn't browsed that much without choking ever so yay to the universe for providing this reflective moment)...

I love you for sharing with me :)