yeah, so anyway

maybe I just like myself too much (or like to hear myself think too much) and so the loneliness never actually grows powerful enough in the actual reality to lead me to pretend that I am not happy or disatisfied with life alone with me... it's sad for my romantic heart that I am the best company I ever knew... funny, in a way, if you aren't so offended by or afraid of honesty that you must diminish it or put it down somehow (honest ego is so misunderstood at this point in human development, I suppose that's why Freud's fear-of-self perspective is still so widely accepted as the basis of psychology and why drugs seem to be the answer for everything that deviates from an average (actually, it's a mode, but statistical analysis isn't very popular outside of my head) commonly called the norm...

the last time the universe was understood was before it was here... wherever hereis... but pretending we don't know that gives us something to do with ourselves that distracts us from the potential...

somehow, every night since last Thursday night there has been a reason for not sleeping... it's slightly annoying as I am not getting to the gym or out running because the body is telling the mind that history and scientific study (along with modern medicine) and that norm thing suggests the potential end of life that could come from pushing the body parts too hard without giving the cells sleep time, but the mind (or something like that) is telling the body to bounce around some more and if it must be idle (the body) then it (the mind) will be jumping through hoops to amuse itself and send all sorts of hormonal energy throughout the body because it wants to have more fun (and meaningful stuff) than sleep...

words like insatiable, incorrigible, unbelievable, and stupid have been used to describe me in these infantile (stubborn) energetic states... but then, as long as we define anything, it is finite... as long as there is a universe, there is something bigger, something beyond the universe...

wait:

as long as we define any entity, we make it finite by defining it and there is always something more than that entity... if there is a universe, then there is something beyond the universe...

more universes, perhaps, or just something beyond

or something like that (thanks to John, the heart feels across... thanks to Q, the brain ponders beyond... thanks you z, for the devotion... thanks to S, for the consistency... thanks to you, for putting up with it all... the universe, what a great song it is)...

whatever, I haven't forgotten about the past entries that were are missing (like teeth through the hourglass, so goes the cavities of our lives), but when the mind is spinning like a top to amuse the child inside, what's the difference (the story of life as I know it, perhaps)

when the flower blooms in the meadow and no nose is near, does it's aromatic essence still smell as sweet?

show me the meadow!

of course you had me at hello would be such a sweet scent for my ears if the feeling was mutual, but it's been a lobg long time since such an eseence rolled over my senses and I'm beginning to wonder if I've somehow become immune or given up hope or, perhaps the truth rises above the fray when I ponder the bigger picture (and begin coloring it in) only to find myself alone where minds do not seem to go (if a mind ponders on planes beyond the conscious universe, is anybody out there?)...

people, in general, just do not want to play anymore...

but then, the more right I think I am, the more wrong I can be (so I accept my opinion with a smile of knowing that it's my opinion and facts are for others to judge or hang on to... I live in the land of make-believe and frolic in the meadow of the unknown...

hey, I am still pondering the computer question (in case you missed the previous entry and it didn't simply leave you speechless)... and what it all comes down to is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine cuz I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one's waving... will money and good sense stop me from getting the new toys?... it was in the garden of a madhouse my youth went pale and showed it's ass......

someone besides me has just got to get it the way I do...

but then, whoever said life was fair (wait, I was supposed to say cuz life wouldn't be fair if nobody else did first... dang brain getting ahead of itself again... who's keeping up?... can I get a show of hands?... my hand is small like yours, ya know, and it's a sad life to go around with both hands in pocket so brave the new world and full steam ahead... ayeaye captian, can we flog the mast now?)...

look what they've done to my dog, ma... blogma!

somewhere out there in this universe is a mind laughing at every joke, shedding a tear at every bittersweet nuance, embracing every instance of being, chiming in, sounding off, clammering for more and yet, silent as space... or maybe that was in another universe... and what if it really is all simply a child's game?...

if I believe in dogma, does that mean I amgod?...

it is altogether possible that if I ramble on long enough, something might ring a bell or else someone might leave a comment where there was none when I started rambling and therein disembowel the power of my declaring (or confessing, but that would be a secret) that I poured my heart and soul (or some such secret stuff) out between the lines of the last entry (or some such entry prior to this one, maybe the ones that were are not there) and you missed it... huh?...

but then, maybe it's a sign...

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