what-ev-vah
so insatiable hunger
that the loudest thunder
is a whisper in my ears
or is that just blood pounding through this world called my head... would it be any different if someone shared my bed?... will it be any different the moment I am dead?... where is the fool who hangs on every word I ever said?... the one and only one who defines the words love and friend... she is all that matters to me when the world comes to an end...
but until then, I want you to matter... I really do, even when I say whatevah, what-ev-vah... I want to believe that we're all one I want to believe this is fun I want to believe what we share is real and never done, but do you know why I run?... do I run to forever? (for-ev-vah?)... or do I run to keep us apart or do I run - to keep me together (to-geh-the)...
I may have abandoned the idea at the root of this blog, or so it would seem from this perspective (wherever this is, where-ev-vah) at the moment (and increasingly over the last few hundred entries here... and I wonder how it's changed over the year{s}... and I wonder if it matters and who cares {what-ev-vah} and I wonder what I'm even doing here, what?)...
an insatiable thirst
am I blessed or cursed
can you understand my tears?
I laugh, I cry, I cry, I cry, I shed tears for many reasons for they cleanse my eyes and I can see clearly now through the rain in my mind as my spirit streams through the waterfall...
am I creative anything worthwhile, some sort of art... or am I just farting around, wasting time for nothing...
and even as I listen to Bill Maher talk to retired Colonel Larry Wilkerson (worth a listen) in the background about how the Bush-league president (who does not deserve the respect of a capital P nor the respect he gets out of blind loyalty to flag, country, and constitution) is ridiculing you and me by hiding behind the military (from Colin Powell to Patreus) and turning that defensive strength into a mockery of offensive ineptitude and political puppetry as a corporate oligarchy reaches around to fondle (and empty) our wallets while fucking us up the ass...
must be Mos Def's influence...
but even as Mos Def slurs his speech, I find value in his words (except his blind spot about his religion, like most religious folk) and Cornell West makes some great points from an intellectual perspective (though he seems more a dreamer than a realist and pity many {most?} can't see past his appearance and demeanor, including the color of his skin, and his vocabulary shoots right over most heads) and then in comes Ralph Nader (does Bill Maher have guts or is he just crazy?) to add yet another flavor to the ADD atmosphere of the eclectic soup Bill and his producers brew up each week...
an insatiable raving
I am tired of behaving
fuck my status and my peers
I don't care about my reputation... I don't want to be thought of well... I just want to find one person... who understands this living hell... paradise is just an illusion getting harder and harder to make a case for... sacrifice is just more pollution from corrupt minds caught up in fear and war... I just want to find one person... who understand what this life is for...
what-ev-vah...
and if I tell you all the fuck yourself would you hold closed your virgin ears would your eyes look away in shock and bury your mind in your ears would you miss every point I made and toss out any worth I am would you pretend to pity me or simply fail to understand... the mind of this uncommon man may never know a master plan and never deemed to join a band and doesn't always wanna hold your hand but once upon a midnight lost he wonders what his dreams have cost as no one shares the deepest place and no one knows his truest face... is he the victim of the times or just a joker lost in rhymes, a player mocking pride and fame or just a child playing a game...
all this may not even be about me (if you ever thought it was), but then, it only matters to the few who care and even you who are not here can only imagine who I am and hope-believe you understand... hell, most people don't even understand themselves (do you?)... sometimes I think I am the only one who does (what's true?)... one life, species, world, living in spit on a rock in the vastness of the universe...
what-ev-vah...
we are compelled to do what we must do, we are compelled to do what we have been forbidden... don’t trust me with your children, people, for I will allow them to express themselves freely and will not put restrictions on their play, I will encourage them to open their minds and embrace their hearts and explore their senses and experience life with every bit of their ability and energy turned on to the max... and you will accuse me of corrupting their minds or even condemn me with some perverse fear you project on everything around you, in your illusion of judgment, as your children express themselves freely as who they are, rather than who you want them to be...
and what if everything you know really is wrong like the prophets of Firesign once said... who's judgment would you follow, or fear, then when all is said and done (or even long before that, like right now wherever you are)... and some old prophets lost in moody blues sing isn't life strange... while most everyone else is simply waiting on the world to change...
and insatiable trust
to be alive I must
overcome your rules and your fears
so am I damned by my passion to actualized myself and experience being alive or are you condemned by your desperate fears and apparent need for conformity... don't you see that you are falling for such a false sense of belonging... don't you see that you are sucking on the teat of such a superficial sharing?... don't you see that you are buying into (and selling) such a pretentious caring?... how can you love your neighbor as you love yourself when you don't even know yourself, no less love yourself... poorly, as you do... how can you truly love anything you do not know?... blindly, as you do... how can you care for anything you don't know how to care for?... pretending, superficially, as you do... how can you trust security when you don't know anything but pretend you know everything?... falsely, as you do...
and when no one actually responds, when no one smiles with understanding, when no one offers hugs of appreciation because the words express the way they feel too... how can I not feel like I am the only one... when I ask questions and no one responds to the words... how can I not feel as if no one truly understands me... and no one truly cares, hears, sees, feels, perceives, understands, or experiences life as I do?...
don't let it get you down, it's only castles burning... I've been saying that a lot lately, huh?... are the castles dreams, or perhaps the illusions no longer bought into (but still haunting, and therein, burning)... whatever the castles may be, don't let it get you down... it being whatever may be getting you down... see, in the end I will test your patience and most likely push it beyond it's limits... in the end (perhaps long before that) I will drive you crazy in one way or another because that is just what I do (and you don't want to change me cuz you love me, right?)... is anybody listening?... hello hello hello, is anybody out there?...
what-ev-vah...
just when you think you have an open mind, I'll be knocking on a door I find... just when you think you have secured your heart, I'll find a way to tear it apart... just when you think you are one with your god, I'll find another who is not quite so hard... just when you think you can be sure of me, I'll show you something you don't want to see... cuz I know how to change and I know that's what life's about... there's plenty of time to stay the same after we're dead... and if there is a right and wrong and I am either one... I will change to make it right because right is more fun... but until we know for sure I will be trying everything... living is growing growing is changing changing is what life's all about... I'll be the puzzle in your game - just when you thought you had it all figured out...
and an infinite intensity
and I believe in honesty
through all laughter and tears
I'm not one of my peers
I don't buy all your fears
however it appears
your lies hurt my ears
your lies hurt my ears
and the saddest truth of all is that lies are as common as sunshine and rain... lies are part of every day life, lies are how most deal with pain... most base their lives on lies they read in books up on their shelves... and no one knows the truest truth cuz we lie to ourselves...
but what if someone did not lie... what if someone actually overcame the fears that produce and depend on and feed lies... what if someone dared to live an honest life from moment to moment... how lonely that one would be...
what-ev-vah!...
are these characters in some book we've never read or simply figments of imagination asking to be fed, running through my mind as I just where they led... or is that just blood pounding through this world called my head... would it be any different if someone shared my bed?... will it be any different the moment I am dead?... would it make any difference if these words were never read?... where is the fool who hangs on every word I ever said?... the one and only one who defines the words love and friend... she is all that matters to me when the world comes to an end...
an indefatigable dream
that the purest love
the truest love
the honest love
is a whisper in my ears
but even now, I want you to matter... I really do, even when I say whatevah...
what-ev-vah...
Labels: babble, crazy, death, doh, dreams, energy, fun, huh?, irreverence, lam, lament, loneliness, moment, mtmm, music, naked, perspective, psych, secrets, semi-philosophy
posted by candoor at 11:59 PM
5 Comments:
lol Candoor a video mobile phone is cool
But I thin video messenger on the internet is cheaper - its free - at least on Virgin.
I wasn't being sarcastic, wi-fi blogging on your laptop is almost as good as watching laptop dancing - you can do it anywhere. At your favourite starbucks or even your favourite gym.
Have a great weekend!
I kinda don't know what to say other than I read your words and I hope that it matters that there are some who think you matter :)
I appreciate the thought Q, it's just that I don't know if I'd like communal internet browsing in that I see the two as mutually exclusive in most ways... when I am on the web reading, it's like reading a book... I seldom do it in public because when I am in public I like to be where I am and share the space, not get lost in myself or a book (or the web)... and when I am having a conversation (whether staggered like in comments or notes oron the phone), again, I am not in public in my mind, but rather in a private conversation...
communicating is a personal thing for me...
so when I am at the outside, gym or book store or museum or wherever, I am there to look around and make eye contact and welcome interaction with others... I may also be exercising or browsing shelves or walls of art or enjoying the environment, but I am not focusing my attention on another person on the web - I am open to sharing with whomever is there and willing...
being online, especially being only interacting with someone, is kind of like being on a date or at least being on the phone - the person gets my univided attention...
and I don't have wireless internet at home, so I am not sure if I'd have to set up a Wireless internet account to be able to browse the web or interact online from a public WiFi connection...
of course I am open to trying something new, so when I get my laptop, if I hook up a Wi-Fi connection, I will take my laptop to the local book store or cafes and see if it is an aid or a hinderance to interaction for me...
I suppose I could say it was something to do while waiting for you to anyone who'd like to sit and talk :)
S - you are very much appreciated... I did just recently thank you for your consistency (and I meant the consistency of your reaching out and caring and being you)... consistency is one of the most vital aspects of interaction for me and one of the aspects of a person I respect the most... your love and how you share it is beautifully consistent, even when you are down, and while I did not spell it out this much, this is what I meant in my few words of thanks in the previous entry (ya see? :)
say whatever you think, whatever you feel, or just smile when words do not come, but please know that anything you think or feel is most welcome and appreciated...
I hope you never feel any reason to hold back or bit your tongue with me for it is honesty and candor that I respect most (me too, but I meant candor the concept, not me, ya know :)
though I suppose I am a concept too (and he wanders off pondering the fluffy white things floating above his head :)
Hi Candoor, jusr read your latest post - but thought I'd come back down here and read your comment.
It's a matter of attitude, sometimes we don't go somewhere unless we have someone to go with, or some 'reason' to go.
But I'm thinking having a coffee or 'juice' at the gym, must offer social opportunities.
When one is in the gym, one is concentrating on one's exercises
When one is in the cafeteria one is relaxing, and I know what you mean about laptop & books.
The difference is when one is on the laptop or reading a book at home one is not involved with the world outside - whereas when one is on the laptop or reading a book in a public place, one can still take time to see the world going round.
The laptop or book is just so that one does not look bored if one parks one's rear when alone for half an hour or more, and you'd be surprised who you see come and go
Anyway - I wasn't intending to give advise, simply bouncing thoughts or reacting to your words
All the best!
and I very much appreciate your thoughts Q... just cuz I don't see the path all too clearly doesn't mean I'm not gonna try following it :)
when I get a laptop I'll explore sitting out in the world :)
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