this was supposed to be written hours ago

I thought I wrote it and uploaded it, but apparently not... I was distracted by a pizza... yes, that's right, a pizza... left to my own devises, what with Precious and Rasputin out at a concert (Live... that is, they are seeing Live, live in concert, even), I caved into the TV commercials for a spinach alfredo pizza with portabella mushrooms and onions and bacon... I am not a big fan of Papa John's pizza, the dough gets too tough sometimes and the toppings can resemble dog food and be quite old and it does not re-heat well, a sign of cheap cheese, perhaps, but the combination of ingredients grabbed my taste buds and held them hostage until all the good sense and reason and will power in the world was drowned out by two simple words blaring from those lovable (but semi-suicidal) taste buds:

I wannit...

and they got it... what can I say, The Simpsons were on... so much for a few good days... we start again tomorrow... and here I was supposed to be posting this immediately after responding to the comment in the previous entry so the humor I was feeling might not be lost on the timing, but alas, timing is everything and now I feel like I lead you on, dear commenters... especially a seldom heard voice (the regulars are used to having their heads played with, but I really wasn't attempting any sort of head game tonight... see what pizza does?... it was quite tasty, by the way)...

please feel quite welcome anyway, in spite of my irreverence and possible rudeness... I have music on, after all... after getting distracted by Bones and American Idol (and singing with Alays on my Mind and with You Belong To Me and crying with Paula... we really are too emotional for commercial TV sometimes, ya know?... but then, I am not on commercial TV)... anyway, I finally remember I downloaded a little mp3 player that actually works on my ancient machine and I have music on again..,. Free of Doubt by After Forever... I'd turn it up if I thought you might be able to hear it... and Ghost Love Score by Nightwish follows... seems I am in an operatic voices mood...

Going Under by Evanescence follows... hmmm, that's an idea... play music on a blog, specifically the music playing as the blog is being written... interesting... probably is being done all over the web, but not so much that I've noticed... of course I'd have to imbed a simple player with an off switch and volume control... a project for a later date...

another fine day at work and more accomplished, enough so that I feel comfortable taking four days off in February... you'll know when because I'll probably be rambling on and on all over the place... and then there was even more myspace wandering and commenting (and one will be a btc entry, eventually)... it can really be a party in words over there... while the TV was on tonight, after the pizza, I rambled on in glue-mode putting together bits and pieces of entries for btc... this weekend, perhaps, if the Superbowl doesn't become yet another in a long line of excuses for not uploading to btc... the weekend after for sure, I promise...

promise?...

while I would love to continue bouncing around, I am going to bounce myself to bed now because I got less than three hours sleep last night... so if I forgot anything, maybe I'll remember tomorrow... I thank you for the comments (cuz they give me the feeling that I am not so alone, ya know?... it's a good feeling)...

nite nite J

too much energy for sleep

I can get a third row center (three seats in from the center isle) ticket to Sweet Charity for a Friday night in March if I wanted to spend $100 and go by myself... it's not the going by myself that stopped me from buying the ticket... I'm pondering and if the ticket is still available next time I think about it, maybe...

I miss Broadway...

almost as much as I miss being in love (I mean actualizing it in the physical world with another person... I know I fall in love on the internet and in my fantasies all the time... I seem to have this slight recollection that it's not quite the same though...

I should be asleep, of course, but I got to browsing...

and I got to loving the feelings and fantasies and falls again... a few myspace clicks and I found myself downloading some mp3 files and I decided to search the web for an ancient mp3 player that would work on this ancient computer and after a while, I found one... it's playing right now... super yay...

Rasputin wants to borrow my phone again for a call to the Ukraine right about my wake up time (my phone is my alarm clock)... why the idea of Precious leaving her phone home one day (when technically it's not allowed at school anyway) is just one of those mysteries of my dear roommie... next time we eat out, I'll remind him that he owes me dinner since I pay for all the phones and utilities...

hopefully he will remember to wake me on time...

the nice lady from the phone company called at work today and deducted all the overcharges from the bill... so the cell phone bills come to $111 this month... the house phone bills average about $100 a month cuz the DSL is on that one... electric will probably be under $200 since it's winter here... cable is cheap, $20 a month... so I am probably getting away under $500 this month... of course the storage place is a few months behind again and I'll send them $1000 to cover past months and jump a few months ahead... that might cover it until April... the car is paid off, so no more payments, yay... insurance is due this month, I think that's come down under $500 (for six months)... so all in all I will bite a little further into my dwindling savings again in Febuary even if I don't eat or buy gas or do anything... yeah, right, $100 for Sweet Charity... good rethinking, ric...

as long as expenses are larger than income, there's no way I can justify splurging on anything... even the air conditioner for the car may wait another month... probably have to replace the whole thing for $1500 or some ridiculous amount because I let it go dormant for months... waaawaaawaaa, ya know...

I am way overtired, but still somehow wired... my sniffles are fading, the usual course for the building of immunity against the cold/flu bugs each season... music helps and I can play mp3 files in the bbackground while I sit here now... oh, yay, more yay!...

sure, I'm poor and sometimes lonely and many aspects of life are missing from my ideal experience, but I am still rhyming and loving the feeling of expressing myself, even if I stash the rhymes away and nobody notices (I mean, really, who has time to follow me around everywhere I go?... we're not in high school anymore, right?... oh hush, I don't feel like growing up anymore, so there)...

I ate light again today, but still feel bloated... it'll probably take a few months of eating very light to lose this bloated feeling and for a year or more I've not maintained the light for more than a couple of weeks at most... every weekend the pizza is delivered or we go out to dinner somewhere and I forget (conveniently)...

no exercise, that's what is missing... so many missing pieces... la la la ment... the music stopped... I've got to find more mp3 files... ok, I did... I have a bunch in a folder and they play now... I'd love to share the playlist, but I don't have a program that will copy the playlist to a text file (next search, perhaps)... anyway,

work was good, life is good, I'm gonna lay down and get a few hours sleep now... it's actually 3:30am... shhh... I think I've caught up on most of today... thanks for being out there...

I don't plan not to sleep

I just get caught up in doing something and the night rolls by and before I know it the sun is up and it's time to go to work... so I should be asleep by now, tonight, since I slept about an hour last night (or this morning)... another good day at work, got even more ahead of the game (about 90% of the work I have due by Feb 15th is already done), so I am considering taking some time off for myself very soon... came home, ate some fish, watched Prison Break and 24 and here we are... smiling about nice comments at myspace but I am going to leave the net communicating for tomorrow... the heart beats and love radiates outward in all directions... and that's today...

nite nite J

lazy day, busy night

and I mean lazy... this weekend in pajamas was a resounbding success... I napped, laid back and watched TV, napped, laid back and rambled through the babble files a bit putting some entries together for btc (though not uploaded yet), napped, laid back and watched TV... I ate a few cans of soup and a cream cheese sandwich... and drank water... and that's the day... everything that happened in the day is right there...

feels wonderful J

I know I must (and probably will) turn this lazy phase around and get back to exercising again because depending on taste buds and food alone for a daily high is a dangerously imbalanced lifestyle, but I actually felt the relaxation today because I didn't binge on sugar and caffeine and the usual weekend food binges... and that means I saved money too... good news...

hope your day was good for you too J

PS... since I am still awake (it's 4am, wide awake, crazy after all, again, naturally... and name those three songs if you can), I'll pass along this update... I just posted another blog entry at my myspace and maybe, just maybe, I've given it a purpose (like all my writing spaces eventually come to have eventually) and if I did, wow, that's about as public as I've ever been about looking for a partner (and maybe it's just the hour and lack of sleep giving it momentary grandiose value) - or maybe it means I am one step closer to actually actualizing my desire to share again... we shall see, perhaps, if times tells as it's said to do, aye?...

nite nite J

PPS... crazy as it seems, the night just gets better... while you've been sleeping (and I should have been), I went ahead and got sentimental on us... maybe myspace inspired it, maybe now, but yes, a rhyme for candora and as it's even later than before and I get more and more biased the deeper I slide into sleep deprivation, I love it... the sun is rising... maybe I'll take a two hour nap now...

g'morn J

weekend in pajamas

after knocking myself out last weekend and having a slightly run down week this week, it's gonna be a relaxing weekend-in-pajamas around here for me...

I probably don't need to eat for another week after yesterday's sleep-voraciousness, but ever since I sent my will power and health sense on vacation I've been as lazy as I've ever been in this life... I mean, this body sent me a powerful wake up call at the concert last Saturday, but I seem to be ignoring even the messages I leave for myself...

I think I let myself catch cold this week... it is a cold-of-convenience... a fine excuse to lay back with the keyboard and vegetate and stuff my face... Precious is gone to the District Thespian competitions and ever since Rasputin started working nights again and having Wednesdays and Sundays off, he sleeps all Friday and Saturday evenings and that leaves me a bit more time with the TV off for music or just sweet silence...

I do have a ton of words to sort through thanks to this new myspace (who grabbed my attention in comment conversation for a few hours today) and also the fiery Miss Bandit (who could be a beautiful libido fantasy if she doesn't become a friend)... if I decide to rev up my mental engine a bit, btc may see that catch up flood before the weekend is out...

I am experiencing a void of social life though... and as I say that I just remembered that I was invited out to The Social to see a concert tonight by one of the therapists at work... she's cute, though has a boyfriend... and my officemate is throwing a Superbowl party (that's the second one I've been invited to) and I might decide to head over there for that next Sunday... and there were two concerts and a Broadway show already this month and I definitely want to catch Amy Steinberg on the 27th (though I don't think I am going to see Live with Raspy and Precious on the 30th... the $40 could go for something else... wait, is today the 27th?... holy crap in a can, look at the time... alas, the energy wanes), so it's not as if I'm not going out... it's just that missing partner that's got me all mushy-washy at the moment...

of course sitting in and substituting food for a person is a foolish way to die, but it is so dang American, isn’t it... seems that everything delivers except love (now that line deserves a dramatic sigh)...

no worries, my dear readers, all is well and this lazy self-defeating phase will not last forever (yeah, I mean, I've got to die sooner or later, right?... ah, see?... already the self-mockery returns and you know the giddiness and giggles can't be far behind)... and yes, even though nobody hardly reads me anymore except you few here (so I don't have any obligation to my many rabid fans), I still feel better when I'm all babbled out and I do not babble nearly as much as I used to...

babbling and exercise (and singing, don't forget singing)... I get those three back in my daily routine and who knows, maybe falling in love and ravaging sex won't be far behind...

see you around the web, my sweets J

shoulda coulda woulda

eeeek!... the screen is like a freaky bright pastel blue and pink and orange and odd on the eyes... the monitor went bonky... it seems to have lost all it's green... maybe it's reflecting how un-green I've been living of late... though I do eat a daily salad on weekdays...

there's this big silver 8 floating around on the ceiling... the gold 1 sunk to the floor, but the eight is up at the point of the cathedral type ceiling... it moves around slightly when the wind blows... the air vents, I mean...

I should have gone to sleep when I got home from work, but instead, I watched Heros and ate a couple of veggie burgers and salad...

I should have gone to sleep right after that, especially since The Dresden Files was a rerun, but I wanted to watch Jake 2.0 so I ate four cans of spaghetti and meatballs... that is really weird, even for me...

now I feel like that bloated balloon, except I am not floating on the ceiling... and my mucous membranes are all puffed up too, like the food has no place to go and every cell in my body is bloated up and starting to leak... amusing, though not exactly comfortable...

another experiment for the how-much-can-this-body-take files... the XG-Files (a special subsection of the X-Files), where Xtreme Gluttony is studied from within... torn by incongruous and divergent desires... I want to run around but at the same time I want to curl up and be nurtured while at the same time I want someone to put a pin in me and pop me while at the same time I just want a hug, a long cuddled up hug, while at the same time I want to laugh and cry and sing and dance and sleep...

must be time for a dream...

the moment can deceive

profound possibilities may be found in the title, but for this moment, quiet rest is all I offer you and myself... the rise and fall of the diaphragm holds my attention as I breathe in and out, in and out, in and... rest... same as yesterday, only less detail... healing from within, perhaps exploring a profound change, or merely to rest...

g'nite J

sleepy time

briefer than brief, woke up, got out of bed, dragged a brush acrss my head... first I showered though... went to work, worked, came home, cooked spaghetti and soy balls (soy meatballs) and sat down to browse a bit, nodded off, woke to write this, going to bed... all is well...

nite nite J

brevity, not levity

slept at least 8 hours last night but woke ready to go back to bed, feeling a little tickle in my throat and the makings of a cold in my head... went to work, did stuff for others today, they appreciated it... came home, napped a few hours... reruns of Dead Like Me and Eureka and ate something Rasputin heated up... ah, maybe it was that plate of food he broaught back from his work friend's house on Sunday had a few cold bugs in it... anyway, feeling better now, though still feel the bug lurking around inside... double the vitamins tomorrow and soon to bed tonight... and maybe get back to exercise cuz I have reached dummy stage in the taking care of myself department by my standards...

still, the party in my head goes on...

stopped by myspace briefly, found a "YIPPIE!!" (or was that a YIPPEE!!") in response to a friend request message I sent... another beautiful southern californian, no less... the west coast seems more like home than anywhere else these days... pity I can't afford the rent (but grinning and feeling extra special nonetheless... I mean, a "YIPPIE!!" reaction to my babbling, after all... I'll just have to post that babble btc, right?)... if I was rich again, I'd have so many more friends because I would have the time to travel and meet the people I'd like to meet (and maybe not give it all away this time)... maybe if I didn't have so much fun in my fantasies, ya know?...

the fool grins again and the peanut gallery in my head laughs...

I hope life is good to you today, but more important, I hope you are good to yourself...

and now, to bed, to sleep, perchance to dream and share the party...

rambling in the dark

yes, once again I am piling up words in other places and communications with strangers and bit and pieces are finding their way into the babble files so the empty spaces behind the candoor will likely be filled suddenly, like, say, with about two weeks worth of entries next weekend...

maybe even another imaginary falling in love fantasy (who says it's imaginary?... secretly, we may never know... it's just too much fun playing in the vast unknown... imagine the kid finally finding out there's some all-everything god and all the unknown is gone... so the kid looks at the god and says, so whatcha wanna play now?... you know, testing senses of humor forever and ever and ever cuz, after all, we've got to make sure those senses of humor are in tip top shape what with the challenges and drama people seem to enjoy creating for themselves)...

good day at work, found myself nodding off when I got home as I only gave the body about 3 hours sleep last night... stuffed pizza into my face and woke just in time to find Jack Bauer deciding to save the world on television again... somewhere in the very near future I shall find the bed, the little broken bed, and pass out until morning...

but my mind wants to party all the time party all the time party all the time... and so it does... even when the body appears unconscious... speaking of the body, the hamstrings are tight, but coming back... I mean, who would be wild and crazy enough to actually pull a hamstring at a concert, anyway, right?...

and that's today... I'd probably have more exciting blog news if I was touring with a band or just traveling around as I did for a while in the nineties, but then, life is what it is these days and it's rarely any less fun for me on the inside (though it increases exponentially when shared with the right people and soars past all limits when the right person partners)...

hopefully you'll find your way to your own pleasure centers in your mind and turn yourself on to the life party that's going on all the time and join on in, whether as a zombie or ghost or meditating fool or a clown or a jester or just playing it cool, sooner or later, if you jump in the pool, you may find getting wet is not so bad... and in your mind you can remain living through the best times you ever had (until the opportunity to share even better times comes along)... you know what?... loving you is easy cuz you're beautiful... feel it, cuz it's true... and on that note I say g'nite to you...

nite nite J

R & R & irreverence

yup, I actually found myself requiring some R & R today.. luckily, there was football on TV so I had the perfect excuse to lay around browsing the web and glancing up when the announcers started choking on their words...

my hamstring and calf are still sore... yes, that was one heckova cramp, strained the muscles for sure, but I don't think they are pulled...

not much babbling this weekend... maybe I'm just waiting for the fans at myspace (I've got more than 1600 now and they keep coming... it's like somebody put out a sign pointing them to my myspace... weird and egocentric and amusing all at once) and diaryland to scream and beg for more... they just don't throw underwear up on the stage like they used to, ya know?...

ah, but this every day blog remains the secret all those superficial fans don't take the time to know about... it's our little secret... isn't that special?... I'm almost excited to think somebody might stumble on in here at any moment and add his or herself to our little party... I promise he or she will only be a favorite for a few moments... you know how fickle I am... and you'll be sure to tell him or her, please, so they don't run away, right?... heck, we might even have some silent readers lurking about giggling at me right now... don't get all paranoid now (or as Kevin would say, don't be scared now... you know the movie, don't you?...

I love you, even when I am in these odd sort of irreverent moods... and I shall keep this daily report of life offline in, you know, RealTime™, going as long as I humanly can... even after my ever expanding messages in bottles in search of the one finally brings the one to my side...

that reminds me that I once titled one of my journals In Search Of Eros... one of hundreds boxed and stored about forty miles north of Niagara Falls (slowly I turn)... I wonder if I'll ever unpack, reminisce, and share all that stuff again...

in RealTime™, I mean...

so TV and food (of course, gotta eat... especially when lounging around... I am trying to be American, after all)... and web browsing and messaging at myspace... no drama today, just smiley happy people... and not just the REM kind... or was that Supertramp?... naaa, REM... sheesh, my musical memory is slipping... quick, before I forget, I know it sounds absurd, please tell me who I am... must have been that stroke I suffered at the concert last night...

hopefully you are laughing with me, or perhaps I really am losing my mind... then I'd have two essential things to be searching for... I'd probably still go chasing after the one first... perhaps that's proof I already lost it (my mind) a long time ago...

and so in conclusion, ask not what your blog can do for you, as what you can do for your blog... yeah, this is what happens sometimes when there's not a lot going on and I haven't babbled anywhere else...

you love me, even when I am in these odd sort of irreverent moods, right?... I'm gonna go now, cuz it would be reasonably sensible to start the week off with ay least five hours sleep... yes, the ate stamp is stuck on when I opened this blog window... that was three hours ago... I've been wandering around the web... I am a wanderer, after all... that is one of my web names, though it's used mostly in the fantasy sports arena... that reminds me, I haven't checked my fantasy sports teams since last year... Rasputin hasn't reminded me this season... probably because I won a football league last year without looking at the team for the last six or eight weeks of the season... he takes it more seriously than I do... I thought I was going now?...

if I keep this up I'll have an entry for behind the candoor... there, I just had to get the plug in, right?... I mean, just in case somebody stumbles by here and this daily life RealTime™ stuff is boring or too brief...

ok, enough irreverence, back to R & R... hope you had as much fun as I did today, or more, even... just remember I love you and it'll be alright... or at least it'll be an old song... stop me before I get started on music...

nite nite J

it's not the heat, it's the humidity

my calf muscles are still tingling, but the cramping has stopped... I am perspiring again, which is a good sign that balance is returning to this body... another wild night in the real life in RealTime™...

it started during the intermission between New Found Glory and the start of Fall Out Boy... the feeling like the body would not cool down... the feeling that recovery was not coming no matter how I focused on breathing... and panting...

this was one of the wildest and most aggressive audiences we encountered so far and we had at least a dozen rows to squeeze through before we were front and center... the good news is that we had three opening bands to get there, but the opening bands were good enough so we would enjoy being up front as soon as possible...

so we maneuvered our way every time the crown surged or swayed and were fifth row by the time the second band, The Early November took the stage... it was the most work I've had to do at a concert since a long time ago and the only way to describe the physical experience was... rugby... rugby with hundreds of people and at least a hundred all vying for the same spot on the floor...

and of course there was the bouncing... this crowd was as active as any I've been part of (even nudging past the college crowd at the Panic! at the Disco concert) much energy expended...

by the time New Found Glory took the stage we were row three and under constant crowd pressure, which made breathing a challenge and the body heat extreme... and the air was not circulating well and more humid than even a day outside in Florida because of the steam machines on constantly... and more bouncing than ever...

one band member jumped into the crowd, challenging the Hard Rock policy of no moshing or surfing (why book the mosh/surf groups if you try to stop the reason many audience members come?)... anyway, Jordan (lead singer) came to the first two rows and leaned into the crowd... people tried to reach out and touch him and mostly missed... I held up my hand for a high five and he grabbed my hand and held on for about twenty seconds... I was an instant celebrity in the crowd, since he did that for no one else... my long hair had the buzz trying to decide what band I was with... I just slipped up another row and smiled and bounced...

I forgot to drink water before I left, so I had no fluids for more than fifteen hours... and the doctor has me on a diuretic cuz she doesn't like borderline blood pressure... and I didn't eat either... and have not been doing any physical conditioning in the past few months, have gained some weight, and haven't been to a concert since late November (ironic) and I already mentioned the three hours of rugby and the abnormally high heat...

so about 45 minutes into the Fall Out Boy set I had to leave the floor to get water... first time, dangit, cuz they were doing a great set... I was feeling lethargic and not finding any recovery for more bouncing and breathing was becoming labored and brain was feeling woozy... can't have much more fun than that at a concert, ya know?...

I drank sixteen ounces of water (a bit more due to melting ice) and felt a bit nauseous, confirming what I thought... so I sat outside for ten minutes (it was about 53 degrees Fahrenheit) and then went in for more water... I was not cooled down yet and they were out of water, so I had a sixteen ounce Sprite... still feeling parched, mouth cottony, and overheated... cold, clammy sweat...

so after the concert we stopped for drinks and I downed a 20 ounce sports drink and about twenty ounces of water... and I sat down and nodded off, waking shortly after with a profound cramp in my calf... wonderful, should have drank all sports drink instead of a lot of water...

I worked out the cramp and drank some Code Red (Code Red cures everything) and a bit of leftover pizza and some beef and barley soup and more water and came here to relate all this in RealTime™ just for us... I will apparently survived a mild case of heat-exhaustion... yeah, so ok, it's the humidity, but it's the heat too...

the concert was fantastic, better, even...

and now, it's almost 3am... time for some wandering around myspace answering more messages and comments, exploring more new blogs and sites, and leaving more trails of bread crumbs for the one and others I'd love to find... and then bed...

hope you had fun too J

starving for creative time, but otherwise fine

I was "removed" by someone at myspace today... apparently two people are in some sort of war and my leaving a comment for one of them was grounds for "removal" by the other person... I have no idea what the war was about or who the other person was, but she sought me out, judged me unworthy and evil, and "removed" me from her space... much like the reaction to my word entry a while back behind the candoor (which was, coincidentally or not, the topic of my comment), the paranoid among us read negativity and rejection where none exists and react with aggression...

perhaps even more ironically, five days ago, as if by prophesy or some such, I wrote a similar query in the myspace blog and it happens to be the current entry at the moment... the fact that I am presented with an example of one who answers a definitive 'yes' to the current query is one more synchronicity that adds to the wonder and amusement of life in this human world...

meanwhile, in other myspace news (as that is where I am finding most of my amusements and inspirations these days), the potential is mostly unfulfilled and that just leaves me longing more than ever for the bottom line womb-like inspirations in the real world RealTime™ inspiration (which has been sorely lacking for years now)... so the ache for sharing life offline on more than superficial levels is greater than usual these days and I'm full of sighs and alases, but as the title says, otherwise fine...

giggling and grinning at that, since the ache is a wonderful expression of life for me... even though I've rather the ache be relieved and the hunger the share be satiated (as if the insatiable can be satiated, but I know what I mean), it's oddly wonderful to feel starvation again...

this may be why I am writing with a certain tone, more caustic or biting or confrontative or pushing the limits or something like that... I mean in the writing I do everywhere but here... here, where I attempt to just sum up the facts, I tend to write with as much objectivity as I can muster as I am just reporting life as I recall it and not getting as babbly or creative as in my other writings... but elsewhere, well, I haven't written a sappy love song in a week or more...

obviously, based on the linkage, I am feeling desperate to be discovered in my most vulnerable moments by someone who could inspire me to fall in love again... that is such a wonderful desperation, if you understand the instinct and positivity and depths behind and within it... unfortunately, from my experiences with others, I've found most people choose the negative view of such hunger and find misery and agony and want to share a pity party with all the trimmings... and I wonder why people are so negative... afraid to feel, perhaps... alas and all...

anyway, much accomplished at work, then home to write an epic rhyme that will find it's way out on the net somewhere (epic, aye?... how's that for a build-up?)... you know, the kind of epic poem (though not as long as ancient epics, though it might be grown in time) that could be a harmless drivel or a profound reflection and/or challenge to an individual or everyone or an institution like government or religion or capitalism or any ism or maybe even the universe... I wonder what the great critics and literary analysts would make of it....

hey, what else have I got to do when I am all alone and longing like this other than amuse myself with self-important perspectives and illusions that I am some historic artifact for some future culture to treasure and/or worship, aye?...

of course this is exactly what I am not supposed to do here, babble, but then, breaking the rules is what I do everywhere... Jake 2.0 and Stargate SG1 played in the background for hours (like eight) as I browsed the web (slowly), responded to messages, babbled, rhymes, cooked and ate pizza, did several loads of laundry, and drank a ton of Code Red... so of course I have to find some drama somewhere, right?... at least my drama doesn't involved sending negative notes to people, right?... or as Don McLean sang, everybody loves me baby...what's the matter with you?... won't you tell me what did I do, to offend you?...

I suppose I should not be so amused by the real internal emotional conflicts and negativity and drama people create based on words from relative strangers on the net, but hey, I just don't understand why people would choose to be upset when they could choose to be happy... we create the fine illusions of unconditional love and beauty and trust, after all... I think it's time to turn the TV off and put on some music... I haven't listened to Meg and Dia in a week or more, after all (for shame)... oh, how I long for the fall at this moment... and the giggles... yes, the giggling true love fall, that's where I want to be...

yeah, life is just too exciting these days J

did I miss yesterday?

I think I remember... after finally falling asleep after bouncing around some more after seeing the show I babbled about in the previous entry, I woke and went to work and came home and ate and fell asleep...

and then came today... I woke a few couple of hours early and spent the time talking with Precious and then wandering around myspace where I am getting more and more messages and the potential for inspirations there continues to boggle the mind (and we know how I love it when my mind boggles)...

then work, where a productive day filled with creating another new spreadsheet to track yet another new survey the corporate office wants our patients to fill out (it's so colorful and pretty and makes complicated calculations simply for those who need to read it, so all in all a satisfying project)... then food (something out of the freezer baked in the oven), then I napped and woke and wandered over to myspace again and then, now, here, for a nightcap and recap of the time spent in RealTime™ and this is what this blog was meant to be in the first place, brief synopsis of life offline for my own rememorizing someday and for your information and enjoyment if you are into knowing a bit about my actual RealTime™ life offline...

I mean, just in case there are more than three of you J

YAY! for you J

I close my eyes

pull back the curtain (la la la)... of this I'm certain... any dream will do... YAY for dreams... YAY for theatre... YAY for musicals... YAY for Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat... YAY for Rice and Webber... YAY for Broadway touring companies... YAY for great performances... YAY for talent... YAY for energy... YAY for creativity... YAY for interacting with the audience... YAY for great seats... YAY for a mostly alive audience... YAY for clapping along with the finale... YAY for standing ovations... YAY YAY YAY!

YAY!

and more YAY!

we got home about a hour and a half ago... until about three minutes ago I could not sit down... it was physically impossible... I tried and my butt levitated three feet about the chair... I had a buttocks levitation... a high rear end... floaty cheeks... an ass lift...

no really, there was just too much energy rushing out of me in every direction (and I don't mean gas) and all I could do was bounce around humming the songs over and over and over again... it took about 60 minutes to wind down to a walking pace and another 20 minutes for me to realize I was hyperventalating for 80 minutes and should probably take some quiet time...

it was so good... I mean so good... it was GREAT!...

the seats helped a lot... Wicked was good, but it would have probably been much better from up closer... I forgot what it was like to see Broadway energy up close... the college that did A Chorus Line just didn't have it... the energy... the talent... the theatre... YAY!

Rasputin called me a two year old on candy...

ok, so I'm excited... you might have expected this, especially since Joseph is one of my favorite fun musicals and it was the Broadway touring cast and we had great seats... so that's all there is to say about today... work, fine... dinner was excellent (Bubba Gump's on the beach)... but the show totally dominates the day...

I'm gonna go bounce some more now...

to sleep, to dreamcoat

thanks for being out there and looking in my window... gonna leave work early tomorrow to drive to Daytona and see Joseph & the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat from orchestra center (row L) so I am going to bed now... other than doing some web surfing for searching for info for the top dog, I just did the usual at work, except I stayed a couple of extra hours so leaving early tomorrow will be cool... watched the third and fourth hours of 24 (predictable, or am I just too used to how a show must continue) and then synopsized what happened for Precious who chose Truman over 24 this year and now, going to bed...

still, it turns me on...

some days are just too exciting to capture in words, ya know? J

another fine day

a bit of shopping and mostly relaxing (heavy on the vegetation)... maybe I am secretly studying to be a cabbage patch kid and haven't told me yet... anyway, I may a party for myself with delicious hors d'oerves type food and snacks and ice cream and chocolate milk... and more football games on the TV and then, the first two hours of 24... I realized tonight that while I enjoy the fast pace, characters, and the realistic portayal of paranoia and stupidity in government, I am tiring of the whole terrorism and evil Arab empire theme... wake me when the enlightenment goes on...

meanwhile, I'm having fun in my head J

hope you are too J

sweeping generalizations

sometimes I think that's all the human mind is capable of, especially when I am faced with people who assume they know something and worse, act on their assumption and not only expect the result they assumed they'd get, but take for granted others will assume the same thing because, after all, sweeping generalizations are so much easier than actually knowing something (maybe you just had to experience myspace lately to understand that)...

no wonder I gave up being a social butterfly...

meanwhile, I piled some more words up at btc and over at myspace as well... I spoke to the nice old lady at the telephone company and she was able to make the change in features I wanted (even though they no longer offer the feature I wanted and haven't for more than a year, but it was the feature I gave up in order to try out the internet-on-the-phone feature, so somehow she was allowed to let me go back to it)... it renews faith in humans to find a reasonable and helpful person at the phone company...

reminds me not to make sweeping generalizations, aye?...

a bit of time outdoors just wandering and enjoying the day and then football playoffs on the TV and much relaxation... Rasputin slept all day and Precious is out and after working night shift for five years, I don't actually have other friends in this area... sometimes I love going out by myself, sometimes I don't, tonight is one of the latter moods...

RealTime™ can be kinda boring to read I suppose...

it's fun to just relax with myself when loneliness is not turned up much and that's the kind of day it's been... hope you are having fun too...

crowssing wires

and so I slept a bit more (or something like that) and apparently skipped a day here and I wonder if it had anything to do with the anti-inspiration that comes from misunderstanding and attempted presumptive repression by those who would present themselves as free and supportive and empowering only to disembowel anyone who dares shine (Icarus was a woman, Medea was a man)...

so I returned to babble files for inspiration and regirgitated two and a half entries behind the candoor before coming here with the energy finally winding down to the point where sleep is appealing...

the work was completed a day early and I wandered through other projects for challenge and amusement and variety cuz all three keep a job an adventure... home is beginning to stink again so I pulled out the candles and hope...

the great news is I bounced around in life and words and had much fun with myself and not much else happening, so brief remains... hope life is fun at your end... nite nite...

back in a moment

or few... yes, well that wasn't too long, now was it... it's actually just past 2 AM 3 AM in RealTime™ around here and I'm way too bouncy for this hour considering I not only must go in to work tomorrow, but I also must focus and pull off a minor miracle and get five days work done in the next two cuz I got distracted by teaching others stuff today... this means intensive mind-numbing tedium with no break for as long as I can stand it (how much can I take before I break?)...

the words in the parentheses are brought to you by Mecca who, in tribute to her pending year overseas, will for a while at least be known as Meka and we all wonder, have we seen the last of her rusty tears?...

Meka Nism is a girl who loves to scream... in her spare time, she writes scary music and sings beautifully, between screams, of course... it's an eerie beauty and if you have one wish left in life, it should be to see Meka perform Jewel's You Were Meant For Me because no one can give a better psychotic performance of the song (as it was meant to be sung, after all, I mean, have you ever really listened to the words?... with just a little help it could be the theme song for Fatal Attraction: Jason Falls In Love if you see what I mean)...

anyway, that's where I was tonight (you see why they shouldn't let me out much on my own during the week now, don't you?... I am much less apt to fly off the deep end with an adorable seventeen year old chaperone or few... it's a proven fact, really... and they think I'm chaperoning them?... lucky they aren't interested in, oh, nevermind)...

definitely too much fun for a work night...

see ya tomorrow J

and after yesterday, today (again)

amazing how that works out almost every time, isn't it?...

go figure, I am enjoying a four day weekend (and two three day weekends in a row... working a five day week is gonna seem like work after this... I firmly believe we are (humans in the western set-up) are complete idiots (well beyond mere idjits) for putting up with a five day work week when technology and population growth could easily cut most work weeks down to 4 days (and three or two in many professions)... but then, we humans also accept that there's no viable replacement for the combustion engine just like we accept that technology and medicine is moving ahead as fast as it can to bring us less expensive, less planet-harming, less life-threatening, and more convenient stuff and lives...

the surprise for us around here was the drubbing Ohio State took at the hands of Florida last night... totally expected it to be the other way around, but the Florida coach completely out-coached the Ohio State coach so badly that Ohio State was never even close to being in the game... humiliated and beaten, not just beaten...

alas... the irony is that Florida is the closest (therein local) major college sports program to where we live so there's just no turning on the TV today without hearing reports and recaps and laughter and a huge pile of sore winning (cuz that's the way Florida fans and news reporters are... there's more poor-me on the local news around here than anywhere I've ever lived and I noticed that back when I just used to visit for summers, which is another reason I almost never watch the news)... enjoying the substantially decisive win isn't enough, there's got to be a whole lot of whining and griping and insult tossing about how nobody gives them respect... the whining and insults started before weeks before the game, before they were even chosen for the championship game, and they expect respect?...

anyway, the Florida coach did his job amazingly well, the Ohio State coach did not do his job at all, not even making adjustments during the game when the game plan was obviously not working... the game demonstrated better than most just how important a coach is in sports, especially in football...

I still haven't slept, I'm just too wired up and happy to be off four days and just the idea of being off has me wired and bouncing around... so I'll be heading to bed early tonight, probably... I believe Precious will be home earlier than usual to try to watch House, if she can stay awake...

more phone testing and clearing of built in and too easily accessible auto-feature charges and I think maybe I'll have that talk with Precious tomorrow night, unless she gets home earlier enough tonight and I am still awake enough... and we shall if losing her phone for most of six days (yeah, that's all it's been, and Raspy is all edgy and doesn't want to hear about it anymore... but he never sleeps and his Ohio State lost badly and he lives on Diet Pepsi, so his grumpiness is understandable... it's not like I'm anywhere near perfect myself... addictive personalities, gotta love 'em)...

and there's Precious now and there's nothing more to tell you about today so I'll say happy new year and may life bring you many lovely wishes tonight... or tomorrow... or really soon, at least...

oh yeah, I uploaded a bunch of entries behind the candoor and it
s all caught up now... wow, aye?...

nite nite J

yesterday (today) was precious

today was a mostly vegetative day as Precious stayed home from school claiming she was sick (she was out eating junk at Disney all day (and she is so not used to walking a whole lot or any exercise or full days in the sun and she might sleep 4 hours on a good night... she lives on 24 hours super-energy drinks and Pepsi), got home after midnight and had to be up at 5am for school... some time between Rasputin leaving for work at 2am-ish and me waking up at 4am-ish, she was apparently throwing up and taking medicine... she was fine to go out with her friends when she woke up and figures to be out real late tonight... and I know she's getting razzed at school about not having her phone... her main text-messaging buddy and she would like to laugh off the crazy bill, but I still have her phone - did I mention I had to take it when she got home because she was not taking me seriously?... alas, she'll pay for making me play parental unit, nyahaha... ok, I should not be laughing either)...

I spent another hour plus on the phone with the phone company with Precious and Rasputin listening in (the first two hour call there were five people listening in... Rasputin was being hustled by Al (who came across some supposedly real Rolexes he was trying to sell... he knows better than to approach me with his get rich quick schemes and I've finally figured out how to keep most financial leeches away... a little late for my luxury lifestyle and retirement funds, but at least I'm no longer in the negative financially... Precious had her other halves over, Dreamer and Truman, because she was waiting on a verdict on the phone... and yesterday the three of them hung out here for a few hours before the game...

the phone status is still in test mode, but I've got the ball now... putting myself on the mercy of the phone company seems to have lowered the billabout $110 for last month and hopefully the same "removal of all overcharges" will happen come the 30th when me and the nice old lady at the hone company review the bill again... yes, I got a nice old lady who has nearly no knowledge of technology and believes cellphones should not be connected to the internet (and I suspect she doesn't have a computer at home)... she consulted with a supervisor, tech support and a resolution specialist (because the supervisor was no help) and she deleted the overcharges off last month's bill and said she would do the same next month...

what is in my court is when to give the phone back to Precious and what features to pay for (and trust her with) next month... I've spend the last few days (days off was good timing for her chances of keeping the phone) learning how to use all the features on the phone (there are like a hundred, at least) abd cancelling all auto-responding and auto-receiving features (she had way too many turned on)... the next step is the trust talk... I already sent her a very hard trust email and she seems to have taken it very well... of course that could be because I finally took the phone (this may be the first restriction she's had placed on her since she's moved down to Florida, which in many ways is kudos to her because she's gotten in no serious situations and is doing fine in an elite program at school and juggling non-stop after school activities with just supervision and suggestion, not any actual restriction...

so I am pondering my parental duties and my wallet and we shall see... meanwhile, the College football championship game starts soon, so it's order food and settle in for what will hopefully be a decent game... hope your life is wonderful too...

google is listening

they must have gazillions of micro bots reading all of our blogs because sure enough, as if by magic, I am suddenly automatically logged into my google account when I click on the 'log with to your google account' button... of course this still requires two clicks where one would easily suffice and it also makes logging in with a second google account something I'll have to figure out at another time, but it's a response of sort to my blogging...

yeah, and the sun comes up because I asked it to...

the best laid plans of catching up btc didn't happen, which is for the best since the whole world seems to have taken this weekend off... this weekend vegetation I've been doing has rested me, but also bloated me and it's not as effective in recharging me as it used to be... I think that's because I am losing the fat to muscle ration in this body and the metabolism is slowing down to old person... being that I am not ready to be an old person yet, I will have to rewrite something inside and fool the body into thinking it's still young and in love...

maybe I oughta go back to college again...

so there's nothing much to report on the daily life... it's a condition of the mostly dead called mostly napping... I hope to get back to babbling and uploading soon... hope you are finding fun in whatever you are doing...

nite nite J

a day without chocolate

been babbling over btc
while glancing at football on TV
and munching on pizza, calzone, and a sub
but they burnt the crust, ahhh, there's the rub...

yes, the favorite pizza place blew it this time... every now and then it happens... not veryone who works there knows how to cook, especially not the particular specialty pizza I order... last time I called and complained and they sent me a new one for free, made fantastic... I let them go this time but will mention it to the owner next time... consistency will keep me coming back, but right now I'm ready to try another track... and the crust was too tough, left in the oven too long... perhaps oven too hot or just not cleaned well enough, you know, when the black burnt taste leathers the bottom of the dough?... Italian cooks would know...

the football was ok, background noise mostly, not as exciting as the Boise State game last week... expected teams won, though it took a rookie mistake for one of them... congrats friends from Seattle and Indy... good luck tomorrow if that's when your team is playing...

during the second game Precious returned with Dreamer and Truman, her current long term addictions, and they had Robin WIlliams On Broadway in their hands so we watched it... the genius is always welcome in my mind...

yes, a day without chocolate and all is well (though the computer is acting up again, but functioning enough to get the words out, though spellchecker is gone... maybe it needs chocolate, but I'm good on a brief break)... a bit of cleaning happened earlier and the babbling and sweet relaxation inspiring peaceful smiles and that's today... hope your Saturday was smiling at your end of the line... back to babbling now, upload coming later... perhaps a myspace visit as well... if only I could transport across space and time, but just the thought is a smile for me... too much patience, perhaps, but enough hope and optimism to enjoy the wait doing what I love to do... I wish the same for you...

you never know where you might find me

perhaps you noticed a few new blogs listed on the right side... secretly I have been slipping others into the lists (as even the lists grow in number) , but even more secretly I've slipped a few of my own unannouncd new blogs into the mix (as opposed to adding them to the branches off the tree of madness, ya know?... well, now ya know)...

and another week older and deeper in debt...

it'll still be at least a week before I am actually caught up on all the work at work, which makes taking a four day weekend slightly foolish for a workaholic, but perhaps I do it just to prove to myself that I can break the work habit anytime I want to... no more work until next Wednesday (wouldn't mind that being a Wednesday in, say, in the year 2525, if man is still alive, that is... perhaps my comments inspired by magicflute have my tongue stuck in my cynical cheek at the moment, but that's good for a few more giggles so I milk it…come to think of it, I probably wouldn’t be bored with free time by 2525 anyway)...

sweet jebus in the morning...

in walks Precious to offer distraction... she's barefoot... went to the beach.... she spends about five to six hours home these days during the school week and less on weekends, being so abundantly addicted to her two best friends (perhaps to the point of crossing potentially unhealthy codependant wires, but it is high school and summer brings the end of high school and I can remember spending every waking {and most sleeping} moments with my best friends too... wouldn't mind such love and bonding again, actually)...

have I mentioned how much I melt when I see Anna Paquin lately?...

yes, this entry belongs in behind the candoor and shall go there now...or at least eventually... I might want to linger in dreams of love first... or perhaps lament the lack of fulfillment of such dreams next... or perhaps something else will catch my fancy, or plain, even... yes, shut up and go babble elsewhere, this is where brevity belongs...

‘round here, after work I sat and browsed the web while watching a rerun of Heroes and then the first three episodes of Jake 2.0 and then a two part Stargate SG1 and here we are with the TV in the background and web exploring in the foreground, tonight including blogsearch listible social grapes (and of course the usual wandering around myspace)…

that's it, the news in brief in RealTime™ (at least the last paragraph was)… hope you are enjoying your RealTime™ as much as possible and may we all find the optimal possible enjoyment, whatever that entails for each of us, one of these days…

cookies from google

in a moment of paranoia or something I set my security up to high and I had to authorize google and blogger access to leave cookies on my computer just to log in here and still the stupid site won't remember my ID and password and it takes three pages to log in... but I keep coming back because you are here and I've figured out how to be semi-brief so I don't fall way behind and out of touch like I do everywhere else...

so goes the method to my madness...

there are some wonderful people who come visit me occasionally when I post other places (though I've lost most of my regulars at diaryland, but then, I'm not the kind of diarist who attracts a lot of commenters... I'm not sure if it's cuz I don't schmooze enough {probably} and I'm not consistent enough {even more probably} and cuz I babble on ridiculous tangents too much for anyone to take me seriously and spend enough time reading to actually come up with something to say {huh?}, but anyway, I wish all those wonderful people would check me out here cuz maybe... )

sometimes it's best to just let a parentheses trail off, especially when keeping it brief (rule 43 in the brevity handbook)...

so today was like most of the other work days... more got done (this month though I'm at least two weeks behind, but I'm still taking a four day weekend this weekend to watch the Ohio State-Florida game (yeah, four days off is a good party, even if it's mostly all in my head)... I got home and almost didn't eat, which would have been wise, but then I chowed down on the mixture I described above so not me belly over-fill but me hungry...

and I came here to tweak the computer some more to try to get another bit out of it while glancing up at the apocalypse on TV and imagining falling in love like they did... and now I'll drift around the web, check my usual haunts at DL and myspace, maybe play a game of spades, and then nod off and start the cycle over tomorrow... weekend's coming and I'm not running... maybe next year...

have fun out there J

did it again

though not directly... got home, found Precious in her car with her friends (so much for Rasputin saying he was going to take her phone for running my bill up and continuing to do it)... I went online and found the bill continued to rise, so I called Cingular to find out what the story was... meanwhile, I needed the other phone and Precious was out with it... so much for helping me clear up the $20 a day bill she was running up... guess just like leaving the lights and TV on (I pay electric), if it's not your wallet it doesn't matter...

two hours later the phone company removed the charges from the bill because I swore to them Precious could not have texted that much (though I have my doubts and think I lied for about $200) and I have the phone... the phone company is running tests and will call me back Monday... it could have been she inadvertently (or vertently) signed up for something (I know she signed up to receive text messages every time she got a comment on myspace)... in any case, before I computer turn off her internet access on the phone, I'll let the phone company run tests and consider giving her another chance...

then I ate and fell asleep... rested, but very much hungry for words... and yet, it's late for work time again so I'm off to the data...

I appreciate all the hugs :)

actually brief today

didn't sleep at all last night cuz of cleaning...

caught up on weekend work and created a new spreadsheet for tracking a new evaluation form at work...

got home, sat down, watched a few minutes of Dead Like Me, fell asleep...

love you, nite nite...

and the years keep rolling by

I wonder if I used that title before... it is, of course, a key catch phrase and lyric from Harry Chapin's theme song (one of mine as well)... and it comes to mind as a title today because duh, it is the first day of another new year... I wonder if I would feel older or younger if I was sharing life in love with someone specific other than myself and everything...

laundry is getting done... and some cleaning of desktops and the odd papers and stuff that just seems to pile up until suddenly it's noticed and leaves me pondering where it all came from... it's the habit of saving paper, accumulating receipts, and empting my pockets on to the table or desk when I get home and leaving any sorting or disposal for these moments when I notice and ponder where it all came from...

after finishing up the subs and pizza we bought yesterday, I wonder if that's it for the culinary self-indulgence for a while... did I mention that I continued the daily uploads behind the candoor?... I took a bunch of internet tests after reading them over at a blog of one of Serenity's commenters...

I almost forgot... today... I mean, I almost forgot to blog today... that might be why I am still awake (the actual real time in RealTime™ is 3:30 am) in spite of the fact that I have to be at work in the morning, just five hours away... I am still doing laundry and have been for hours and hours... most of the day was spent cleaning and doing laundry while watching college football bowl games... and while the bowl games usually stay in the background, occasionally grabbing my attention for a little while, I show more interest in games when Michigan, USC, and Ohio State play...

today Michigan played USC, so I watched much of the game... torn between really respecting the USC coach (I think he is the best college football coach out there) and rooting for Michigan (cuz they are one of my adopted teams), I watched the best coach in football call plays and motivate his team to beat a better team... that's why he's the best coach in college football...

next week I will root for Ohio State, who is the best team this year and coached by the second best coach in college football, to beat Florida, who has an excellent coach, one of the ten, maybe five best... I especially do not like him though because he has a rude way about him, he whines and politics too much... I am not a fan of poor-me attitudes... there's a lot of that down here in the Southeast... maybe a cultural remnant of the guilt or arrogance of old south bigotry much like some non-whites hang on to the entitled attitude and poor-me mindset of historic oppression and slavery...

hmmmm, that might have been a heavy thought stream...

anyway, while the news media seems to assume that everyone watching is rooting for Florida to win the national championship, I don't know anyone who is actually rooting for Florida around here... many people who live here, especially transplants, cheer when Florida teams lose because there is so much arrogance and ignorant assumption in the air... and very rude, rowdy, drunken fans who don't know the meaning of the word sportsmanship... the coach probably just cters to them as part of his job which is why he whines like them...

surely this will let me know if I have any Florida readers, aye?... especially Florida fan readers... yeah, and so the X-Files are on TV, a marathon of sorts, and the last couple of hours have been a few to be continued episodes... and the washer washes and the dryer dries and I paused in my cleaning to update you and now, this entry ends...

nite nite J