slammed by the lab

yup, the lack of exercise, degererate eating habits, years, and apparently genes are combining to lead me to reevaluate my immortality and more, re-estimate my life span... I may go any moment more at this moment than any moment before because the bug has been placed in my brain by modern medicine and that bug is aligned with doubt and has a firm base of depression demanding I dive in (but I just stick my tongue out and and fart in it's general direction as I float on aimlessly as I've been doing for years now)...

I'll explore the results of the labwork in another entry where such matters are tracked and pondered and give the time and reverence they deserve (more or less) when I have time to think... for now, lets say I started again today... that means new mindset and reconnect with determination and will power and self-love and for at least the past 16 hours, relative fasting (relative being, at least from a normal medical nutritional perspective, a ridiculously low caloric intake supplimented by vitamins and possibly {if I pick some up} protien and other suppliments)...

now I just need to remember to get some sleep so the sleep deprivation demons don't come along and strip my will power of any reason or rhyme (or sense) and convince me to forget everything I've ever known about how to live optimally in this body...

and...

resist the constant (now potentially deadly) influence of those immediately around me...

meanwhile, at work the end-of-month came and went and the reports will go out tomorrow... at home, I nodded off a bit, watched American Idol and then the Texas - Texas A&M game to see two of the best college basketball players in the country and they lived up to their billing... and then, here I am...

thought might happen tomorrow, maybe, or this weekend, maybe, but I kind of doubt it... maybe in a few weeks, maybe... and the chorus of who cares dances through the forests and glades of my brain and every brain cell naps or silently goes along their la-la ways... am I ready to die?... as ready as I've ever been and for better or worse, I've always been ready as life has been a momentary journey for me most of the time... we shall see if I continue to slide or do something...

no worries, the motivational speeches, infinite hope, and insatiable hungers will continue to pour out here and there on the internet for the lucky few who stumble upon them... at least as long as I can still press the keys in some linguistically logical order... I suppose I should designate someone to write a post humous (or post incapacitating stoke) entry in all my writing worlds, aye?...

yeah, like I said to my doc today when she told me that if I do not go to the specialists she wants me to go to and have the tests she wants me to have, she will (because her lawyers tell her she must) give me an AMA (against medical advice) form to sign and take home and discuss with my family and have them sign, there is no one to sign such a form...

I'll be going to a gastroenterologist one of these days... she's (the doc) been on and off about me going for the last few years... unfortunately, the new parent company I work for has new rip-off health insurance that not only takes almost a hundred bucks a month (I know, that's really cheap compared to most), but wants me to pay 20 - 50% of any major (re: expensive) tests done... so is the wallet alone enough reason to drop the weight to see if the lab values go down?... that question is about as rhetorical as the next statement... and we wonder how grown people end up on the street for their retirement years...

I realized today that I go to the doctor more regularly than most because she cares about me more than anyone I know and interact with in the physical world on any regular basis... sad that I have come to a point in this life where I must pay for that, but it's always better for me to face the reality of a situation...

next appointment is mid-April and we shall see...

so much for brief :)

thank you for your crumbs

golden crumbs they are to me, golden words, golden slumbers, worth more than the stuff gold is made of for the feeling inspired every time I feel noticed, acknowledged, appreciated, loved, even...

as if I hadn't noticed, as if I didn't see, this is my mind, melting before me, this is me down on my face in a puddle of my own saliva (or pwn spit, for that matter) and all I can do is roll over and go back to sleep so the numbness in the one shoulder shifts to the other as I console myself in the usual places with the usual no one...

the Beatles wrote a song for no one too... and there are still bells on a hill with a fool day after day in my life all we need is love so I'll give her all my love (that's all I do) and Harry was right, Elton and Bernie did too and so did Billy cuz it is a matter of trust in a world that's constantly changing and honesty is such a lonely word I am thankful for any little bits I can come by...

and so it goes...

ditto

yesterday was not Thursday, in case you thought it was... it was just another day of lounging (lounge ing... spelling eludes me) ) around doing nothing but watching a bit of TV and eating and napping... I am getting in touch with my inner sloth...

and today (or yesterday, sort of), was the same except I went to work and worked on end of month reports... sluggishly, though, as the inner sloth is strong in this one...

hopefully your life is more exciting, or you are at least enjoying the nothingness of sloth as much as me... and I do enjoy it, all except the bloat... excuse me...

much burping and rolling over to you :)

sameday

ditto

stiffled when I am not dancing

wanting someone to come along and stimulate me in a way that feels like dancing is not going to make it happen and even wanting it may be a waste of energy as long as I am just sitting here wanting and occasionally dancing and then wanting when I stop but not wanting when I am dancing and perhaps nobody ever could but it's sad to think nobody cares to try and then I wonder who knows cuz you're the only ones here and luckily I can just go back to dancing before the pondering gets too deep...

college football on the TV... lunch at the Chinese buffet (giving into foolish influences on my wallet from outside of my head)... and as The Spoons play on Austin City Limits I wonder why I am not in Austin and if I was would I be dancing any differently or finding someone who might come along to stimulate me in a way that feels like dancing... maybe I should visit reruns of Eddie Murphy on SNL...

fascinating Saturday, no doubt...

hope yours was too :)

what's it all about, alfred?

alfred was a butler on TV who knew all the answers, I think... I haven't heard from him in a very long time (relative to time)... he may have been forgotten by most, but dear still somewhere within my vague and foggy subconscious...

and in a probably unrelated query based on an old song query, what would really happen if everybody actually did get stoned?...

work: much distraction, much done, Friday is over...

life: forgot the lab paper so labwork was not done so hopefully Monday will not be too late to get the results to the doctor for appointment on Wednesday morning... ate pizza and ice cream again... in huge portions... dummy...

home: same... lazy... la la la...

web: feeling high levels of disconnectivity, perhaps selfishness or self-pity or a change in priorities... I, as I am, do not draw the attention I think I seek... so few return, so few care, thankful for you who do...

dreams: still don't remember...

so I go on, better than gone, I think...

may you too :)

empty time

wondering what the difference between empty time and full time might be and whether it is, like the glass of water, all a matter of perspective... still, I find myself sleeping irregularly and wake to find myself only semi-rested mentally and that is not as pleasing or wonder-filled as the waking experience I usually find in this life... and it's happening more and more of late... could be the broken bed plays a role... and a sense of loneliness... and a sense of unsettled discomfort in the space/time continnum (or something like that)...

when feeling unloved, is it because nobody outside loves or because nobody outside loves me as I wish to be loved (am I exposing love to my preconceived notions and prejudice?) or because I do not love myself enough...

the answer is obvious, but silent...

another day begins sleepy, then work, then home to eat more than the body needs, pizza tonight, then nod off in the big green chair, then wake and come to the computer and wander a bit, read, comment, and then here...

details?... good news at work as a new system and procedure for reporting discharge information was accepted and approved and will start Tuesday when I explain it at a meeting of the minds who will hopefully follow through and carry out the process... several systems in the hospital are broken, the discharge process is one of the most severely broken, so it's the first major project I am tackling outside of my actual job responsibilities...

and as I work on other projects, the monthly reports are creeping up to their deadlines without much concern as time management seems to be falling into place rather subconsciously, which is a good sign that I have some sort of handle on the job...

at home, TV, food, sleep... we know what is missing and that may be part of the source of the reslessness, but what's the use of chatting myself up about it yet again... better to let it be and hope for better results when I next wake up...

a wave of melancholy comes from memory on this date as I wish I could wish a happy birthday wish to someone who was born on this date, but even with the best of intentions, some connections break down and as Bob would say, remain temporarily disconnected... so I wish this wish I wish for your wish to come true comes true tonight... Happy Birthday Sandy, wherever you are :)

at least I have my web wanderings (thank you Z, Q, and the other Z for new reading... and I didn't even get to myspace tonight) that keeps my mind occupied and mostly amused... that way I can continue to hang on to the illusion that I have not actually really completely given up just yet :)

and as long as I remain amused, hope lives...

may you find your way too :)

day off

I took today off so because it's Raspy's day off and he said he'd drive with me to get my car fixed and maybe hang out somewhere until the car is done...

Raspy woke me and we went to the air-conditioner repair place... I thought we had more time, but apparently he had to rush home to take Precious to school because she goers when she feels like these days and the school accepts it (or we'll be in for a rude awakening come time for grades and graduation)... she places social life and after school theatre ahead of class and has gotten away with it so far because she can still get passing grades in the IB program (top 1% of high school students)... anyway, I didn't get to stay and watch the guy checking out my car and fifteen minutes after we left (which was suprisingly fast since they were busy and had said it would take at least 30 minutes before they could get to my car to test it) I get a calls saying it's the worst, $800...

I accepted that it may be a rip-off, but did not want to pay $50 for the test only to get nothing done, so I said yes... things seldom go as I expect them to go with Raspy and Precious... so we sat around waiting for the place to call and say they were done... the place called, we picked up the car, the air-conditioner works great now (and I am poor)... we stopped for groceries because I am determined to stop eating out for the next month or so because I don't want to run up a credit card bill and insurance and storage are both due in March... did I mention I paid the phone bill of $315 today?... for three months for the house phone and DSL...

so anyway, grumbles from my wallet and the destruction of savings continues which should put getting a new computer or music or anything off for another few months, at least... alas, poverty sucks, but wondering if I might not have needed to spend $800 today sucks even more... and now it's written, so let it go...

food and then, sleep... slept most of the afternoon and evening, waking to catch some of American Idol... they might have the best group of girl singers of any previous year... then three hours of talking with Precious and then, a 3am dinner and here we are... work in four hours... so I'll relax a bit, maybe nap, and then, work... didn't miss much today, aye?...

the mundane challenges of the physical world are growing boring... or is it just me growing bored with my routine... or maybe I ate too much ice cream... of course I might have simply gone insane...

naaa, nothing simple about my insanity :)

nite nite...

rinse, lather, repeat, again

it's always different, it's always the same... it is not love I long for, but the physical sharing of it, not merely the lust or passion of flesh on flesh, but the bouyant reverberation of energy between myself and others on the same wavelength, at similar energy levels in the physical space and time of now in this life...

and the trust... for the love is everywhere, but the trust is very rare... yes, the truth rhymes without trying (so we know it is not lying)...

for the love is everywhere
but the trust is very rare
any one can choose to care
much more challenging to share

I see, I sense so many longing for spiritual enlightenment, for a sign from above, to be touched ethereally by some higher power, to feel some oneness with everything... the irony for me is that is where I come from and not what I am here for... I am here to experience the life in the flesh, the sharing and bonding, however illusionary it may be, with others in the flesh... and yet, when all others seek to leave the flesh for elsewhere, how to share...

the challenge is not to be one with everything for that is what we are (not matter how ignorant we may seem to be to this)... the challenge is to trust ourselves and each other to let go and experience this temporary physical experience without letting fear of it ending diminish the potential it can become...

irony?... perhaps the most ironic irony of all is that in the end, I am just one more being seeking something out of reach...

queue laughter (and more patience) and song so the dance may continue...

'till tomorrow...

more of the same

sheesh, coming back to this blog in RealTime day after night after day sure does demonstrate how utterly devoid of life this life can be... but then, it all depends on how we define life, dudnit... I enjoy the vegetative side of life (perhaps a bit too much sometimes, cuz I miss the non-vegetative side of life when I spend too much time enjoying the vegetative side of life), but it leave very little to write about in a blog like this...

so... woke early, showered, was gonna go to get bloodwork done cuz I have a check up next week, but found myself reading and responding to comments over at myspace and before I knew it, I was late for work as usual... they don't mind, they need what I can do... work was spacey... I finally got started after lunch after spending the morning talking, searching the net for concert tickets, and talking some more... in the afternoon I redesigned a form I use... I should probably start working on my work tomorrow as February is s short month...

I got home and ate a salad a veggie burgers... then TV... Sci-Fi, of course... SG1... then I got into Enterprise and almost forgot about 24 so I only caught part of the second half... then more Enterprise then The Dresden Files then Twilight ZOne where the absolutely adorable Laura Harris held my attention in the kind of story that rattles my innards, stirs up my ire, and brings on my tears... dangit...

while the TV was doing it's thing, I checked my myspace and visited around and I ate some potato salad and some mixed fruit and then came here... so much excitement, I could hardly put it into words... and that's life, at least for the moment...

the cold/flu bug is still doing battle with the little guys in the blood that fight off cold/flu bugs and I feel like a battlefield, but in a way it's fun to watch the little guys run around chasing each other... of course I am not interested in war movies, so I try to see them as madcap Keystone Cops and cartoons... and Wile E. Coyote germ will not get Road Runner lymphocite in this episode either...

hope you're having some fun too :)

and then he slept

a title like that deserves much more than I am going to write just now, but I'm late for work cuz I checked out myspace cuz I didn't yesterday cuz I lounged around (as too usual) and nodded off before coming here to give you a RealTime moment so this is a quick note to fill in Sunday cuz nothing much happened...

the colf/flu bugs are sliding into my chest (dang persistent goobers) and I hope not to cough too much today... ten times for the day would be a lot for me (this body knows I'm such a control freak about it, huh?... well, it used to know that)... all I remember eating yesterday was soup... hopefully I'll find the same will power today as I'm running around at work...

myspace infused me with happy thoughts this morning cuz of some glitch (it reposted one of my past entries, apparently, and two new YAY comments popped up)... the internet may be all I have for feedback these days, alas, but it's sure good to know I can still empower words enough to get all bouncy and giddy over comments :)

I hope today is a YAY day in your word, or as close as it can get to YAY... yes, you too Z, this YAY is not just for S or Q or any silent readers out there... let the YAY rain down on you! (with an exclamation mark too :)

ok, late I run... see ya in time :)

holy crap (and wow)

I was wide awake at 4am without a soul in sight when I discovered one of my newest favorite internet writers called me a beautiful soul cuz of a comment I wrote... and if that wasn't enough, I actually got an actual comment in my own myspace from her...

I felt like Sally Fields receiving an Oscar...

no really, look:

Feb 18 2007 4:12A

getting a comment from you is better than goose bumps, it's that feeling Sally Field tried to express when you got an Oscar, that feeling that overwhelms any concern with how anyone might perceive how unbelievably (corny, sappy, pathetic, emo... I wonder what the next generation will call it, he says with a chuckle to lighten, but hopefully not completely obliterate the mood) uninhibited one can be and how good it feels to get some recognition and appreciation from someone who understands that it can be a long hard climb to the top of a mountain (or the pedestal others might put you on just cuz you're wildly beautiful, brilliantly clever, amazingly talented, and above all else, utterly fearless - as you are in words and pictures)...

it's all real and true, but anybody who thinks it's something you're just born with doesn't understand that life is journey...

Aerosmith, emo? :)

maybe I should have just said thank you with all my heart and soul and smiled :)

see what I mean?... ummm, maybe I should start at the beginning (and I'll do just that in one of the catch up entries btc any day now)... meanwhile, here in RealTime™, I spent the last uncounted hours wandering around myspace sending out add requests to people for reasons I don't actually remember at the moment... they were friends of a certain several myspaces, but I apparently have had my head examined and emptied by the past hour or few of catching up reading Miss Bandit who, in my mind, becomes a better writer and story-teller with every read... we definitely share a frighteningly similar sense of humor, though I am probably usually a whole lot more subtle and subdued and obscure about it, but that's much more because I am mostly dead in so many ways and not any conscious attempt at politeness... not that I make any conscious attempt at being rude, but...

I'm rambling... anyway, Zoe (Miss Bandit) posted a powerful entry that sent me into my dark dungeons of despair (hey, where better to keep despair?) to relate my own journey through the pits (and holy crap) in support of her candid peak into herself (and that will become a btc entry as well, I think, though it comes from the land of the mostly dead)... and that's what I did with this Saturday night (now being recorded here for you this Sunday morning, but of course, as I am in the habit of doing, back dated to Saturday just so Sunday doesn't have two entries and Saturday doesn't get none... I think that's much more because of the arrangement of the entries than any sort of OCD symptom, but it could be both... anyway, it's what I do)...

and I'm still not getting to any sort of brevity point... college basketball was on the tube most of the day, but it was muted mid-afternoon after Rasputin and I returned from the local Chinese Buffet and he fell asleep on the couch, so I enjoyed mostly blissful silence... that's so rare I didn't even turn on music until just a moment ago... and the myspace wandering... that's it, all the news that happened in this day in RealTime™ in this life I so irreverently call mine...

and the cold germs dug in deeper last night and are making a serious attempt to take over my chest and give me a chest cough (as opposed to a nasal drip) and sneezing has increased and I did it to myself cuz I cooked in the kitchen and ate in the house and at the restaurant across from Raspy and drove around with him and when bombarded by his cold in such close proximity for days on end, well, this body is not immune to the human illnesses... but even though the head is a bit foggy and the body is yucky, it was a wonderful day in my mind :)

I'm gonna go babble behind the candoor now, maybe get a few uploaded, but more likely the upload will be tomorrow if it happens this week... there's always hope (and I'm a hoping cuz you know how I get when the babble gets backed up... I start babbling almost uncontrollably anywhere I write like comments or here even in this supposed-to-be brief place)...

I hope you've been feeling productive and appreciated and understood tonight... it's really a wonderful feeling, even if the journey to get there sucks sour grapes (hmmm, I haven't done that in a while) or a lot worse... there's not much better than being understood in this world... it makes everything feel better and the world all full of love and fresh flowers and chocolate streams and whipped cream fountains and cherry trees and fudge rocks and warm cozy homes, ya know?...

I love you J

just another day in the lost and found

work, the usual, caught up on the week off... home, the usual, except that Precious did the dishes and sorta cleaned the counters and I am still resisting the chocolate... penance for the years of no exercise, no focus, carelessness, apathy, over-indulgence, sensual denial and selfishness, waiting, hiding, self-destruction, not sharing, no style, bad hair days, playing clueless, extravagance, restlessness, and a poverty of the spirit... or it could just be a lack of babbling and being tired feeling bloated and holding back the chocolate until I don't feel bloated any more... right, maybe...

watching TV (Friday night Sci-Fi) and rambling in comments (that's for the inspiration) tonight... btc will see entries this weekend, for posterity... I may clean more... will I get to the gym?... anything's possible... but nothing is happening, virtually (or is it practically) nothing, anyway... and I wonder, why am I enjoying the nothing so much?...

I ignore myself well, grasshopper...

and laugh abundantly...

g'nite J

back to work

I fell asleep in the big green chair after eating the salad I did not eat for lunch and two veggies burgers... about four hours later (my sleep rhythm, that is sliding in and out of the deeper stages of sleep, has consistently been four hour segments throughout this life)... and a wonderful (and quite sensual) dream woke me as I touched consciousness and brought the dream into reality for a few seconds... after about an hour of enjoying breathing and being in this body (in spite of it's relatively constant semi-bloat state of late), I stretched and came out here to say hello...

hello J

everybody seems to be sick... Rasputin is still hacking on everything, not to mention licking his fingers while cooking and licking spoons while cooking and while spooning out communal foods like peanut butter, mayonnaise, and so on and almost never washing his hands... Precious has the same habits... and they wonder why they are frequently coming down with colds and flu bugs... and the people I work with closely are also sick with cold and flu symptoms (par for the course in a hospital)... my officemate was out sick today...

of course a healthy respect and awareness of the microscopic world in which bacteria, virii, and parasites thrive can also spoil some of the more fun things in life, life wild sex with strangers or even the intimate (and once quite socially acceptable) greeting of kissing a hand, a cheek, or lips... seems the Europeans have survived a long time doing that, but on the other hand, there were those plagues...

I heard it might snow around here tonight...

so I headed back to work today and was bouncing with energy... while I am not nearly as rested as I'd like to be (and my immune system is working overtime trying to keep all the winter cold and flu bugs from moving in and getting comfortable in this body, hence the recurring nagging sniffles of late), still want that extended vacation of a month or few, and did not re-kick-start my metabolism during the recent week off do with any exercise, life in this body is a big YAY (sniff sniff)...

and the best thing for me now would probably be lay down and sleep for another four or more hours, but I am feeling rested again... the body craves more exercise while the brain is in ultra-lazy mode... or is that vice-versa?... well, whichever part of me that is in ultra-lazy mode is definitely in charge of things and has been for quite some time now (ever since the 2004 hurricanes... weird, huh?)... of course my heart has been mostly sleeping (or is that mostly dead... ironically, I just deleted by mistake the most recent entry in the land of the mostly dead... sucks when I do that, especially when I don’t' have it backed up anywhere... grumbles shall follow)...

and it doesn't help that Rasputin just woke with his usual habit of sitting on the couch and farting a few times... tonight it sounded like he really should have gone to the bathroom before he came out to nod off on the couch before getting ready for work... smells like it too... luckily I found a can of vanilla floral air freshener while cleaning this week... well, not this week, actually, just last night after writing the entry here (yeah, I decided it was time to start cleaning and doing laundry the last night of my vacation so I didn't get to sleep until after 4am... that's when I wrote the entries in mostlydead... one of which I deleted... that really bugs me...

anyway, from my experience with roommates, there's always something not desirable and poor health habits are challenging to live with, but that's the nature of compromise when not wealthy enough to live in space and comfort on one's own... the pondering I've been doing about relocating next year is obviously bringing me back to paying attention to my immediate environment, which is not always a good thing...

I think I'll go get some yogurt or something now... I don't think there's any chocolate in the house... maybe I am swinging back around to a bit healthier (and more economical) eating habits again... how many times have I thought that in the past couple of years... and I just let the roller coaster roll along as it will, knowing I can do as I please and control it, but I just let the human influences of this culture (and roommates) continue to drive the bus off the cliff...

this entry is way too long for this place... and way too whiny... the oddest thing about me is I am still enjoying the moment, even as I am dang pissed off at myself for deleting an entry (it was a Valentine's entry Tim Burton would have been proud of) and nagging sniffles are crating post nasal drip and the kitchen is a germ factory (with dirty dishes in both sinks again and counters almost never wiped down) and I'm not as lonely as usual but still wish I had a partner (one with healthy habits and a will and energy level and strength on every level to actually inspire me to wake up and optimize this body and life once again cuz I don't seem interested in doing it myself at the moment and have never had a partner who would take the lead, or a mother, for that matter... not that I want a mother... I want a teammate who, at the moment, is way ahead of me because I've slide down into the bush leagues, so to speak)...

this entry is obviously destined for btc, eventually...

and so, for RealTime™ here, I say g'nite...

why does the mouth go on chewing?

yes, there's a song in that title, Skeeter Davis, in case you need a hint... meanwhile, through sheer strength of will, stubbornness, and laziness, this body has reduced it's metabolism to needing less than 200 calories a day... ok, maybe I exaggerate... but I can definitely do fine on 1000 and probably not lose any weight... I wonder if I'd lose weight on a 500-a-day calorie diet... one day, when I decide to turn my will power on healthy again instead of wasted, we shall see...

there's away too much energy being devoted to food of late... and words, way too many words... I feel quite ridiculous...

that shouldn't amuse me, I know, but it does... everything amuses me of late... the idiocy of war, the apathy of humanity, the poverty of creativity, the greed of culture, the fself-destructive ear dominating everything everyone does...

I obviously am not babbling enough... or moving enough... or exercising enough... or socializing enough... and probably laughing too much... I'd like to find something (or someone) that would actually attract my attention enough to inspire me to take something seriously again...

maybe tomorrow, g'nite :)

bloated boredom

it is rare that I feel bored... there's usually so much goinmg on in my head that no matter how little I do even over days or weeks and no matter how lonely I get in alone time, bored doesn't usually manifest itself... it's an odd feeling...

even the food is boring... maybe I am finally getting tired of the bloat... or maybe it's the reduction of chocolate in my diet of late... or just too much laziness and toom much watching and too little doing... I don't doo much lately...

Precious turned up the TV and so American Idol and House sort of entered my brain, but mostly I'm just bored... I am pretty sure much of this doing nothing is directly related to my not wanting to continue spending money as I've been spending it... poverty can be quite boring...

it feels good to check in on myspace and find lots more people knowing on my door and a few letting me know they are feeling the words... I think I am crashing though... I didn't have sugar today after five straight days of lots of sugar... and no caffeine... dang drug addict...

I wanna new drug...

maybe I'll do something tomorrow... hope you had fun today :)

lazier than lazy dayz

seems I am milking the time off as if it's gonna be a much longer time than a week... this body obviously wants to vegetate back on it's own circadian rhythm, but that's not happening in a week since this body's curcadian rhythm is about 38-42 hours... working a scheduled work schedule takes me out of this body, alas, for all the loss that entails... and a week off reminds me... boo, work...

I should have brought my AtariST 1040 down out of storage because years of rambling and rhyming while I was living in this body at my own rhythm (the nineties time off early retirement time) might be lost if I can't access the data after 13+ years in storage... sigh and alas...

I watched 24 and much more today... 24 takes too long... and makes me miss Heroes... TV is mind numbing...

I appear to have left everyone at btc speechless as entries there go unnoticed, but posterity and the one will appreciate my continuing... over at myspace, new people keep coming by all the time, but nobody seems to stay... see what this week off of lazy days is doing, dontcha?... it's giving me time to realize how much I appreciate you for keeping in touch and letting you know you are out there and you care... whatcha think?... woe-is-me lonely-boy pity-party?... maybe tomorrow :)

I'm enjoying the vegetating too much today :)

I sit way too much these days

at work these days I can sit the whole day at my desk if I don't make reasons to get up and wander around... and so far on my days off I've sat around almost constantly... we went out to Chipolte and KFC for lunch today, but that's all the movement this body was given today... three more days off left before I head back to work, so I still hope I'll get some sleep and wake up my healthy senses...

if only I had a fierce inspiration in my face with energy off the chart (or chain, for that matter) and just the right balance of honest love and harmless irreverence to get through the carefree laughter with which I live this life these days... yeah, that would be great... or even the promise of really wild sex with a libido fantasy if I woke myself up and remembered what being physically alive is all about...

ah, the lengths I go to amuse myself... but ego can take it, ego is superman, ya know... I don't know what that makes superego, but we have much fun together at the party in my head all by myself so who am I to judge...

my hard drive (on the computer) is now 75% free, which will hopefully allow defrag to help it run smoother the next time I run defrag... that's what I did today, mostly, sat here putting images and mp3s on to CDs and deleting them from the hard drive... it has been so cluttered that defrag would not run lately...

Raspy is still spreading germs, Precious is still living the high school loca, the TV never ends, and one of these days I'm gonna do a sit up and that might change everything... do a sit up and save the world!... yup, that's gonna be my new motto, any day now...

and life goes on J

the internet is an out of body experience

though it is nearing 3am, this shall be Saturday Evening's Post (capitalization presented for nostalgia fans) and as there is little to nothing to summarize about the events of the day, I suggest (if you are looking for more words) you venture behind the candoor where some entries of potential controversy and commentary, but hopefully amusement as that is what they are to me, leaped out into cyberspace today) and then, as I do when the insatiable quest for more, more, more compells me to search out more, more more, wander over to myspace where there are many worlds to explore beyond that which I loosely call my own...

the body relaxed, though did not sleep, today... the TV remained off until I called the cable company and paid the bill (sometimes that is the only peace from television I get around here) and then the usual banal fare piped through the tube... Final Destination 3 and Office Space were the highlight of the evening...

Precious arrived home safely with Krispy Kreme donuts straight from the original Krispy Kreme in Winston-Salem, North Carolina... and there was ice cream and cookies and I don't know if I'll ever resist the influences of the roommates here... especially since I do not want to clean/scrub the kitchen every time I want to cook because I am the only one who does dishes and wipes up after I use the kitchen, so I don't make fresh food or cook here... and now Rasputin is coughing all over the place, including on the dishes I washed, so Precious will probably be sick soon and I'll do my best to stay out of the kitchen and out of his way for a while...

and maybe tonight I'll clean off my bed and use it for the first time since Tuesday night so I might feel rested in the body enough to feel motivated to get to the gym before this week off from work speeds by... alone, alas, all alone in my hunger for creativity and health and fitness and activity and love and lust and passion for and to share everything... lament and sigh and all that jazz...

my mind, for better or worse, is having way too much fun to join in the physical fatigue or muscular depression, so I'm gonna wander back over to myspace and continue fantasizing about all the wonderful friends and muses I would have in real life if I could only trannsmit myself through wires so I could be wherever these wonderful people are... yeah, real life, cool illusion, aye?...

is the whole world laughing with me? J

open windows

for the first time in many months, years even. I sat by open windows today... wasp nests outside the windows (and the Florida heat) had kept them closed most of the time since we moved into this apartment under protest two years ago (six months afyer the 2004 hurricanes the management finally had an apartment ready for us, except it wasn't ready and we had one day notice to pack and move and inspect the new place)... it feels good to sit by open windows...

I've tried calling the office to get them to set up a carpet stretching and wasp nest cleeaning for two days and the idiots up there pretend not to know how to do it, so I shall call again tomorrow when our regular liaison is back from a mini-vacation... she's at least semi-competent, though still has to deal with the overall ambivalence of the staff...

Rasputin has a cold again... Precious and Dreamer are having fun up in North Carolina... I am vegetating nicely, thank you...

today was an extremely lazy day (as opposed to just an ordinary lazy day)... I still haven't cleared off my bed (since much was piled on to it on Wednesday for the carpet cleaning), so I'vbe been semi-napping in the big green chair since Wednesday... I watched a new Sci-Fi show, Special Unit 2, it is nothing to go out of my way to see again... cheesey in the Buffy mode, unappealing acting, no visuals to call me back, and a very recycled script... I nodded off several times during the three hours of the first three shows...

went shopping for snacks... yes, more snacks again... after almost two weeks of avoiding chocolate and snacks, I pigged out today on cookies and ice cream... still no gym time... suicide continues, on the American plan...

and so it goes...

nite nite J

sun spots

I think I have sun spots, that is, massive disruptions in the flow of energy through my nuclear engine... nothing serious, just some sun spots... this might mean that I'll be shooting out solar flares any time now, which could be a good thing...

today was mostly rest... we went out to lunch, my treat... what can I say, I am weak... luckily, Carrabba's was closed, so we ended up at CeCe's a $5 all-you-can-eat pizza place... so I spent $13 instead of $50... I think Raspy was disappointed...

Precious and Dreamer made it to North Carolina... Dreamer has an interview at a college up there and didn't want to drive up along, so even though Precious still doesn't drive, she went along for the road trip...

I napped after lunch and watched TV, mostly the science channel, tonight... a few comments scattered about myspace and here and here we are... I think I might do a little shopping tonight after Rasputin goes to work... and then, more wandering the web and babbling... I know, few could handle such an exciting life... but no worries, remember, I am a professional...


PS... hours later, almost 4am, hours working on Precious's computer... Rasputin decided to use her computer since she was gone and it jammed up on him (they both seem to have that pronblem a lot) and it could be the security settings would not allow him to use a certain personals site that has a lot of pop up ads (which is probably what slows his computer all the time)... he cursed the computer and went to work...

I couldn't save the letter he was writing on the site (and he refuses to use Notepad because, well, he's stubborn like that) and now I'm cleaning up the drive and running defrag (which they never do) and checking it out... she has so much junk, software and files, on that computer that it's amazing it doesn't crash more than it does... anyway, so much for going shopping or browsing or babbling... maybe tomorrow night...


PPS... 7:30am and still... now defragging her computer... it took hours to clean the drive and there at 10 gigs more free space than there was and I didn't delete anything more than totally non-essential cache and impersonal files (and no programs at all)... not much babbling tonight... nor sleep... nor browsing... but a littl catching up at myspace... of course I write way too much there (as in entries that are way too long) to hold much attention or gather much following or even get more than a few comments (sometimes)... I guess I'm just not cut out for those topical opinionated mostly superficial blogs that get hundreds of comment conversations going on... sleepless night, way overtired, giving to others who aren't even here, of course the lonlies have me wishing I was popular... I can be so shallow too, sometimes... of course I'd never keep it up, probably... giggling at a fan base doesn't go over well, does it?...

somebody stop me J

limited temptations

these days, food seems to be the primary temptation in life for me... people don't... activities don't... most everything is bland and uninspiring out there and until I bring it inside and build a fantasy around it, I'm bored... I am seldom bored though, cuz my mind continuously gives me play time...

I would like more variations in stimulations from outside of myself, but I only pretend to control everything in the universe (there, I confessed, will you all stop reading me now?... what if I mentioned I was giggling?)... most seriously, I feel lucky that I find fun and wonder in most everything, even during these times when life gets so routine and shallow that it is mostly created in my head...

I have seven days off starting tonight and have nothing planned... feels great and not lonely yet, but I sense it on the horizon (especially cuz I am so way overtired at the moment)... I suppose it's just a matter of time before I step up and stop waiting for inspiration to come from outside of myself again and simply do what I know is best for me in spite of not being able to share it or thank anyone else for inspiring me, but I don't think I'll ever stop dreaming of finding my best friend...

I think that last thought popped into consciousness while I was reading one of my favorite online inspirations for hope for love and partnering... as she says, it is wonderful to be lucky enough to marry your best friend...

I am probably looking in the wrong places... or more likely, just not looking... accepting the possibility that I am in the wrong place and time for finding someone compatible and satisfying seems like a sad kind of giving up mindset... maybe it's time to ponder that... or just realize that I accept it and enjoy life anyway cuz that is what I do... my decision?... and who else might it be? (duh)...

sometimes I think I just write to think and sometimes I think I write just to stop thinking, but mostly I write to amuse myself... and as much as I love writing and amusing myself, well, you know J

maybe it's just cuz I haven't had chocolate all week...

time to get some food, since all I had for dinner tonight was a little soup... and then, perhaps some browsing for amusement with that hope of finding my best friend along the way... maybe tonight is the night I am finally done with my solitary journey... I mean, there must be somebody somewhere who wants to share the journey I am on cuz we are both on it...

yeah, mind and body obviously could benefit from sleep...

laterz, dudes J

btc

completely forgetting that the midnight hour changes the date because I was wrapped up in pouring my heart out btc (and time ran out on the summary synopsis thing I was envisioning, but tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow) so I adjusted the clock as I usually do...

work was amusing, especially since the network was down for the first three hours so I napped between wandering around watching other people napping and wandering around... it was a crazy day for admissions, so I helped out and left my work for tomorrow (last day before almost a week off)...

when I got home, Rasputin tells me that the apartment geniuses are coming to clean the carpet in the morning... typically short inconsiderate horrible customer service notice... as much as I love the location (close to work, steps from a park, safe area) and setting (surrounded by woods, hidden from all roads), I'd not recommend this place to anyone as long as the current management manages the place... but we're here and ignore them as much as possible, so it's just a beautiful place most of the time...

so I cleaned... and so did they, sort of... Precious said that by morning we'll be able to see her carpet... not sure if she meant the entire carpet or just a small piece of it, but we love her anyway...

and we watched House... I am kinda wired cuz the place is cleaner than it's been in years and I might even be psyched to continue cleaning tomorrow (I would tonight if I didn't work tomorrow and I would have taken tomorrow off if the management gave us more than a few hours warning) and wouldn't that be loverly (all I want is a room somewhere)...

I hope your day was amusing aand enjoyable too... and you made the most of it... and you know I love you... and you found reason to smile... and now I lay me down to sleep...

nite nite J

PS... 4:04am... clean didn't last long... they cooked, so the kitchen is a mess again... and after spending most of the evening on the phone (instead of cleaning), Precious tried to convince Rasputin that she could not clean because she had an important exam in the morning and had to sleep... earlier she had been given the ultimatum of cleaning her room so the carpet cleaners can clean her room (which hasn't been done in years cuz she hasn't cleaned her room in previous years) or not go to North Carolina with Dreamer this weekend (Dreamer has an interview with a school up there)... she got back on the phone and compained to the guy who kept her on the phone most of the evening and after a while, came out to say he was coming over to help her and they'd stay up all night cleaning even if it meant her very important grade suffered tomorrow... so Raspy went to bed and Precious and her friend are cleaning, doing laundry, all the lights on, and so I am still awake because my bedroom is right off the living room and right across the narrow entryway from the clanging dryer... Rasputin has tomorrow off... wish I did...

life with Precious and Rasputin...

just wanna see 24

but eyes closing... I can taste it, sweet sleep, so close, so real, so irresistibly seductive... eyes blurry... goofy smile... fun...

see ya tomorrow

super sunday

yup, went to a superbowl party at my officemate's place with some people from work and others... half were Indy fans, half were Chicago fans, made for a fun crazy few hours... Chicago needs a quarterback... the better team won...

other than that, just more babbling and putting together entries for btc... so that place might finally be caught up again this week... most of the entries are composed of inspirations, entries, and comments to entries from elsewhere...

and now, some drifting along the myspace waves until I fall asleep...

nite nite J

PS... at 5:01 AM, the lunatic should be on the grass, but instead, is just sleep deprived and will be all day tomorrow cuz I am still awake and it's a Monday workday, but... 22 entries just found their way uploaded to btc, the magic number is 22, and some other stuff... enjoy if you can, g'nite...

sleepy saturday

I wandered around the web a bit, watched some TV, spent a delightful few hours reading and responding to birthday party blog posts at Cali's birthday, put together a bunch of catch-up entries for btc, and Rasputin and I picked up Chinese food for dinner...

and napped a lot... that's it, sleepy saturday J

creative fallout

wow, blogger is talking to us... there's hope for the goggle people yet... I always heard good things about the company, maybe it won't go microsoft on us...

52% soy butter/margerine spread, philadelphia cream cheese, Kraft deluxe mac n cheese and/or Velveeta, Heinz ketchup... mix in just the right about and I am in taste bug heaven... of course I did not have to eat it all (I can't believe I ate the whole thing)...

I’d welcome something else to do with my lips and tongue...

it's Friday night and Friday night has become 4 hours, maybe 5 hours of the Sci-Fi channel starting at 7pm (though it started at 7:18pm tonight cuz I stayed at work until just after 7pm to finish a project... two new Excel worksheets to track two more of their redundant and relatively meaningless surveys... I enjoy figuring out the formulae and creating stuff like that)... Heroes and Jake 2.0...

we all have a super power if we find it J

I think cuz they are new and all and have cute characters and the save the world theme (with a goofy delivery) and most of all, they aren’t macho bull crap glorifying war and violence or manipulating the victim and guilt complexes our culture seems addicted to like some of the most popular garbage on TV these days (not to mention politicians), I find them fun...

meanwhile, around here I’m burning candles again cuz the stench from the sink is putrid... it’s finally time for a re-run of SG1 so I think it may be time for music... and here it is, right here on my computer at the click of a button... amazing what modern science can provide...

I spent $40 on tickets at ticketmaster (two $13 dollar tickets) to see Amberlin and Bayside in St. Petersberg on a Wednesday night in late March because Meg & Dia are supposed to be touring with them... thing is, when Amberlin comes to Orlando on March 30, Meg & Dia are scheduled to be in Ft. Myers, four hours away... I spent 2 hours browsing for tickets, alas, but did not buy any others... I hope to get to the House of Blues this month and pick up tickets for Brand New and possible a couple of other shows there... saving the $12 - $15 dollar ticketmaster charges pays for half another ticket, ya know...

Rent is in Orlando next week for about $70... I think I’ve decided not to spend $100 on that third row center seat for Sweet Charity... one of the things I’d do with my lottery winnings is fly to NYC at least once a month to catch a few shows... it has been so long since I nurtured the creativity (and longer still since someone else did... alas, ya know... Penumbra sings Testament now... I am enjoying this operatic metal mix I found on some website a while back... Within Temptation, Kamelot, Era, After Forever, Leave’s Eyes, Nightwish... missing Lacuna Coil and a few others...

I may go see The Roots later this month (suddenly segueing into hip hop)... the guy I went to see 30 Seconds to Mars with says they are good and it’s at the House of Blues so I’d be able to pick up the Brand New tickets... I seem to be rambling on about concerts and shows which is a sure sign that I am lonely for the energy and creativity of performance again... where art thou, oh muse of my dreams, of my youth, of me grow old along with me days?...

guess I’ll go wander myspace until I nod off... nite nite J

I think I blinked

and time passed... I nodded off last night (only ate salad and yogurt yesterday, balancing the pizza binge) and mostly slept for the past thirteen hours (except for waking at 11pm and falling back to sleep at 1am cuz nothing on the tube interested me and I was just not in the mood to move... would have fallen back to sleep earlier except Precious had her alarm set for midnight so she could wake and do schoolwork...

so this is the entry that might have been writen last night, but wasn't (and probably isn't, actually, cuz I'm in a different place and time and don't have time cuz shower and work calls)... started a new project revising the Discharge Packet for the hospital yesterday... so much for getting all the work for February done on the first day of February, but all is good and next week I have some time off to talk to myself, maybe...

Happy February... it's raining here, go back to bed groundhogs... wish I could :)