sorta back in RealTime™

ah, it's become obvious (to me at least) that the babbler has moved into this RealTime™ blog and that sort of defeats the purpose... I mean the purpose of this blog... this was supposed to be a place for brief notes about the daily life that might give many an opportunity to know a bit about me so that maybe more people would find something of interest and then explore the more long-winded writing I, that is the real me as opposed to the writer me who actually does all the long-winded writing, though less now that this blog has let the babbler in, do most every day...

and look what's it become...

what? (who's asking?... I mean, who knows?... I mean, does anybody know?... what do I mean?... what has it become?... maybe... there's duality to this question too... everything has duality, mostly... and sometimes a triality... in fact, in my mind, there's an infinitality, even if it isn't a word that the spellchecker or the Webster people recognize... maybe we've blurred the question and therein obscured the answer... again... what?)...

the babble belongs behind the candor
the love songs belong on planet c
the lament belongs in the lands of the mostly dead
(along with the woe-is-me self-pity)

and even the daily life expounded
along with the history
has a place to be in candor
and then, there's the creativity

so how did it all end up right here
when this place was not meant to be
the free-form artistic emotional meld
that my journal was originally

yeah, so what gives? (I do, the thing is, rare is the taker on the internet looking for piles of drivel, heaps of rubble, fields of flowery rhymes, mountains of babble, and valleys of despair with rivers of irreverence and nonsense running through it... mostly we all look for distraction and amusement, not much unlike the sound bites and brief distractions we find on TV in sit-coms and the news or in songs that take us away for a few minutes... who really wants to spend hours reading this sort of madness and folly and occasional depths in a first contact?... even I don't, I think, though that may be my human training taking effect... or irreverence)...

anyway, I am seriously pondering (at least for a brief moment I will) another change, another makeover, another approach to sharing on the internet... returning to where I started (originally, above) was never my intention here... and as I progressed from candor to the split into planet c and the lands of mostly dead and then giving the incorrigible babbler a home behind the candoor where I thought that maybe there were too many words in too free-form an irreverent mish-most of serious depths and abstractions and odd reference so I came here to eliminate the frills and flush and flowers and extra words only to end up falling into the babbling mostly because I stopped uploading btc...

I suppose this entry gives you the story of the babbler online with focus on the main daily writing spaces (not specifically linking all the side roads, some of which are linked as branches on the tree of madness, in case you wondered, while others are linked amidst the oddness that is on the left side of right, and still others are in the gardens at the crossroads, if you know your way around, and so much more elsewhere (which still only covers a tiny fraction of the writing cuz most of this life there was no online publishing going on)...

in case you wanted to know...

but for me, it's a reevaluation of how I share on the net, especially how I represent myself on a daily basis... this blog has hundreds of entries already and still feels like it's looking for it's voice and more, has become way more words than I intended (and repetitive, did I mention repetitive, again?) leaving archives that present much more than even kind readers have time to wander through if there is any inkling of wanting to get to know me...

how would anybody know if they really wanted to know me in the RealWorld™RealTime™ life offline if there are too many words and too much creative play and irreverent asides and babbling dancing and whatever to read to actually find the RealWorld™ RealTime™ me?...

of course I know you are telling the whole world what a wonderful person I am and how everyone would love to know me and fall in love with me and have my babies, but then, when they come to see for themselves they might not believe me cuz they don't read all my rambles the way you do (see what I mean?... oh dang, this sort of laughing is not supposed to be going on in this entry... yeah, duh, doh, alas, sigh, and ramalamadingdong)...

have fun out there, and don’t let it get you down

(unless you are scrolling :)

nyuk, nyuk...

I love you for being here, you know that, right? :)

sometime when I'm away...

well that sucked… what sucked, in case you wondered, was that a few paragraphs was just lost… fitting, practically perfectly, the theme of the paragraphs and the thought stream of the moment (dontcha just love how the universe cooperates with my creative process?) as I was wondering if anything I ever wrote or shared meant anything (or will mean anything as I’d like it to mean, as in the bridge across forever that will be the route for a journey shared by the one and all those old dreams), but it was much more eloquent than this…

to backtrack and put things into perspective, this entry will be the first (read on, you'll get it, I hope) of three uploaded right now, but it's likely to be the third (ummm, second?) of the three entries that suddenly appeared when you read through the new entries from top to bottom... those who do not do that, well, their loss... our loss, mine cuz I lose out on the potential for someone to read this, relate to this, respond to this, start interacting, call, talk, visit, become a friend offline, move in, share RealTime™, fall in love, and spent all eternity in infinite bliss...

ummm, yeah... our loss because you too might find some sort of positive interaction with someone who read this entry because it was there on top for a day or longer and that special person happened by at just that right time... of course we can argue that such a special person would read down a few entries before judging us (ummm, me) as not worth their internet reading time (cuz we've only got so much time to spend on the internet when we are special people, right?) and disregard all these possibilities, but that just wouldn't be as much fun, would it?...

don't all answer at once, you might jam up cyberspace...

aherm... and of course it would be their loss of the potential for know me and you and us and finding the best little microcosm on the internet (I supposed you don't necessarily have to respond to this entry to be part of our best little microcosm, but sometimes we do have to prioritize even people like what if I bought a Ferrari and only one passenger could ride at a time, how would we decide who'd be first?... comments?... well, that would be one way I suppose, but back to why they would be missing out now) cuz, well, just look at what they are missing, aye?...

ok, I'll get to this third/first entry now...

some of us like to lament (and I certainly do my share, even if I am just so dang sarcastic positive that I have to point it out)… we could spend hours discussing the merits or flaws and levels of lament, but that's not what this entry is about (I think) and I'll let you discuss amongst yourselves (or ponder in your own head) the many perspectives we can bring to or cull from lamentations... what I am pondering is what we'll get to just as soon as this paragraph ends (which would be right about now)...

I wonder sometimes how much of my lament is a plea for attention and how much is the creative play that I love to do so much… anyone who’s ever read me in depth (which each of you have done to varying degrees, with perhaps z0tl being around longest of the non-lurking convent we've entered into by clicking on the comment link (didn't know you were entering a convent, did you?... or is we a covent... coven?... cove?... co (company)... c?... speaking of planets (which will be in a future entry which you probably already read), let's let this entry continue and stop playing with words for a moment)...

yeah, back to my lamentations and their potential meaning and perspectives I give them and you may receive from them and how different everything can be in a multi-layered universe like the human brain)... if you've read enough of my mostly dead places or my blues or sour grapes or various other dumping grounds for unpleasant emotions (and there are plenty) then you know I am open to feel and exploring the downbeats that come from sadness, insecurity, negativity, and stupidity because that (expressing, exposing, analyzing, releasing, and turning emotions into fun or meaningful {to me, at least} writings is how I process the hurts or angers or any negativity and end up laughing at the situation (or more often, at myself) and remain the happy camper I usually am…

whether you've found this explanation in some previous writing or not (and I've mentioned it more than a few times), that’s how writing ultimately started for me, physically (through pen and paper) talking to myself (cuz nobody else would listen or understand poor little ol' me when I was very young, relative to human life-spans and all)… but before long (I figured everything out in the first few pages, ya see) so much of my writing became word play and writing characters, creative games, and trying to tell a story in a lyrical twenty or so lines (as Harry Chapin and others do so well…

that is not to suggest that there is nothing personal and absolutely no subtle begging for attention in my words (duh, huh?… feel free to giggle with me)… surely (not the name, but the word) I want attention and feedback and interaction cuz in the end, life is about the sharing for me and I hope to share a whole lot more than I am sharing in recent years cuz I’ve been in doldrums of superficiality and sedentary blahness and an aimless warp devoid of creativity most of the time in the physical world outside of my head… but you know this, don’t you…

so I’ll just share this…

sometimes when I'm away I wonder where everyone went
I wonder is everyone gone
I wonder am I just not paying attention

sometimes when I'm away I wonder what every word meant
I wonder how to carry on
I wonder am I just giving in to rejection

sometimes when I'm away I wonder when everything bent
I wonder why no one responds
I wonder am I just getting lost in reflection

sometimes when I'm away I wonder was everything spent
I wonder who I have become
I wonder am I just lost in over reaction

even when the meter is perfect
even when I hit every rhyme
even when I don't it doesn't matter
if I'm just passing the time

if I am not honestly caring
if I am not being aware
nothing can make any difference
if I am not even there
if I am not really there here here here

am I really singing
is this sound really a song
if nobody hears it
what is...

sometimes when I'm away I wonder what went wrong

but then, right and wrong relative collaborations of judgment that I tend to find lacking in substantive value in my life most of the time and with that prelude to pondering at the beginning of this entry there must be at least a gazillion ways to interpret these words, so how could we not proceed to discuss them avidly for years and years?... and so I'll start (or is this the end?), ironically, in case that rhyme appears depressing to you, that came after a pretty good sleep and meal and from a positive place (or at least in a peacefully happy mood)… there’s mostly an ironic smile for me in the words (I wonder if you saw that or what you saw without my input)…

you may have already read the entry above this, but it's time to continue this thought there now... I wonder if it'll make more or less sense now that you read this (or if you had read this before)... we may never know, alas, but let's leave all this discussion of who's losing what behind for now and dance...

you lead :)

but what i really want to know is...

awww, sweet as a kiss, no doubt (your dancing)... but it's time to return to the words (and you can forever wonder if and how {if I did} switch these three entries that may actually have been uploaded at once around, but the whole space time continuum thing is not what these entries were meant to be about {perhaps}, so let's just move along with the return to the words though and whatever the words were saying)...

but first (what?... aren't I listening to myself?... dang incorrigible kid), what with me compounding interest in time and space today, I should point out that I was going to upload this entry and the previous (or next, if you're scrolling downward) entry as one entry (and that one entry as one of two entries) this morning from work (because I ran out of time at home to upload) and after getting to work and adding a few lines, I realized I forgot the password to this blog so I couldn't upload these entries as I intended and this entry grew after I got home into two entries, so what was the second entry from this morning (which would have been Thursday's entry in blog time) is not Friday's entry, I think, and first half of this entry is now Wednesday's entry and this is becoming Thursday's entry and if that matters at all, well, now it's recorded here for as long as this presentation of words may last...

in any case, while that might have diminished the power of the message of the original entry this might have been had I not interjected all this rambling time orientation (or disorientation, depending on your perspective cuz as we all know, perspective is everything and there are at least a gazillion of them right here and now for each of us even if we only see one or a few, if we are wise, {some geniuses are said to see more, but what would we know about that} and lucky), but be that as it may be or not be), we will get on with what was to be the beginning of this entry way back hen this entry was part of the previous entry this morning...

cuz what I really want to know is...

do you see sadness when you are sad?
do you see gladness when you are glad?
do you know how much your feelings influence your perceptions?
on closer introspections…

it could be what you see is not what I thought I put there
which could be funny if we trust each other to meant no harm
so let’s be friends and search for deeper understandings
ask questions and listen to what we are really saying
isn’t that what we want from each other in the end?
isn’t that the very definition of a friend?

I hope that doesn’t cause us to hold back out of fear
that we might misunderstand and say the wrong thing
because that would defeat the purpose and suggest
that we really aren’t trusting each other very much

so I’ll say thank you now for trusting me to mean no harm
and for sharing what you think and asking for more
and I’ll trust you to mean no harm in your queries
and appreciate your reactions even more than before
cuz isn’t that what we want from each other in the end?
isn’t that the very definition of a friend?

thanks for being my friend :)

and perhaps I might have concluded there, all mushy and vulnerable and open for emotional response (but would I have received none, I might have been sad, so I avoid the potential for sadness by continuing now, given the opportunity that forgetting my password this morning presents, and ponder if that diminishes the feeling for me or you or us or even them)...

this paragraph was the last paragraph of the entry after the next entry (or the entry prior to the previous entry, if you follow the time line, but that changed suddenly when I decided to continue this entry as the second half of the entry before this by uploading it before the next entry so it reads below it and therein appears to continue even if the dates suggest it came first... yeah?), but forgetting changed that plan so now it is here...

what I was saying (that may or may not be physically accurate or even theoretically possible anymore, but when has that ever stopped me) was this entry will skip immediately into the archive and slide down the page because the next entry is coming out even as I type these last few lines of this entry and later tonight, even that entry will slide down the page because I will be back to RealTime™ later, but for now, this is what’s been on my mind while I’ve been away this week and I know (there's always hope) at least a few of you want to know (thanks :)

and the days go by alone

and I lament about this Windows 98 computer that crashes at least once an hour and resets all my configuration in MS Word and Internet Explorer and wonder why I put up with this Microsoft crap, but then, I don't want to spend thousands on Apple stuff (there's the answer) and other browsers won't stop all the Windows crashes and limit the browsing that can be done and I find browsing fun... and there's one of the justifications for not buying an up-to-date computer, I doubt Microsoft crap will crash any less with all the browsing I do so why spend a thousand or more on Microsoft crap... I don't have anything invested in this old machine so if it crashes or gets worms or viruses or whatever, it's easily replaceable... so I put up with resetting my preferred options and passwords every few days, or more often...

and I lament about being alone now and then (more often, perhaps, do I not notice?) and there's another reason not to go high tech with the computer because I might spend even more time than I do sitting here tapping at the keys in the hope that someone will respond with meaningful communication and humor (like you do most days) and sharing that will change my life and then I might not even get the three or four hours sleep I do get most nights... but the social world "out there" holds little to interest me these days...

and I lament about the days that go by without comments, without notice, without any meaningful smile even as even those around me in time and space rarely make eye contact or acknowledge the depths of our beings because, I suppose, it is so much simpler to just vegetate and gloss over emotions and dance the superficial dance that humanity dances these days (how else can we get away with the greed, corruption, lies, cruelties, hypocrisies, atrocities, and self-destruction we've come to support, accept, or ignore all around us (remember to pay your taxes so we can send more bullets to Iraq and please don't feel for the homeless guy on the corner, he smells bad after all and it's ok if New Orleans never gets rebuilt and kids actually starve to death in this land of the free and home of the brave, we're too busy stealing from other countries while pretending to be saving the world to notice our own empire crumbling under our feet...wave the flag boys, and shoot those damned hippies before they breed and start that 60's all over again)...

and I want to care, really I do, and I do for a moment or few in many different ways... in words that tear out my heart and cleanse old wounds and renew hope and faith in love... in using my creativity and professional skills to improve care and services for kids who have really messed up families (or none) and cruel lives by improving the system of care that provides them with a home and therapy... in listening to people, hearing, empathizing, and trying to form a response that might help them feel better and find a more positive view on themselves, life, and everything... by accepting life as it is and trying to be a hopeful and meaningful part of it...

and still, through the empathy and catharsis and expressions and good deeds (feeling secure that I do provide a positive energy and presence and feeling good about that), I sometimes feel so lonely... and it is easy for me, being secure and comfortable and unafraid of how I appear to anyone, to find humor and levity and silliness and the lemonade in the lemons I've stumbled upon (and squeezed) in this life (even when one squirts full strength right into my eyes)... but still, there are times when I am feeling so vulnerable that singing so lonesome I could cry (or die) just doesn't cut it and I just want to sleep until someone comes along to actually share life (and "save me" from the aloneness as days go by alone over and over and over again)...

until this decade, I was not quite this alone in the world... I always had a friend around, a best friend who shared intimacy and understanding and appreciation for at least some of the essential core aspects of life and me that let us feel we were not alone in this world... it's a numbing pain to realize those few intimates are out of touch now... the feelings did not end, just the daily sharing doesn't happen anymore...

and I wonder what good it does to express the aching hunger, to try to express the void of desire that fills me and keeps me awake some nights... and most nights my answer is that it does little or no good to dwell on what isn't, it's a waste of time to lament over what is missing, and I focus on enjoying what is and the fun and amusements and meaning I can find in this life, as days go by alone...

and I wonder if you ever listened, and I mean really listened and heard the words to Billy Joel's song, Honesty... anyone can comfort me with promises again, I know... and how I know... but I no longer want to settle for comfort at the expense of deeper connections and more meaningful sharing... so yes, anyone can but I resist letting it happen... and The Carpenters mock me with the words I know I need to be in love, I know I've wasted too much time, I know I ask perfection from a quite imperfect world, and fool enough to think that's what I'll find...

there are so many songs that say it so well, expressions of my deepest experiences, perspectives, desires, dreams... it's been years since I sang them, years since I felt them deeply, years since I came close to sharing them... and if you've read my intimate rhymes and/or my expressions of love and hope, you might wonder how I can say this... do I pretend when the optimism and/or passions pour out into words?... yes and no... I pretend the sharing, imagine and remember sharing the passion (for sharing makes it all more real)... but the hunger for the passion and the will to optimism is real, even in the depths of lament or questioning or self-analysis... I just know how much more I can feel when I share the hope, dream, optimism, passion, and love in the physical world and all the words pale in comparison to the sensory memories... and all I do seems superficial compared to all I know I can do...

I appreciate the praise I receive from others here on line and in my professional life... I treasure every positive word, I soak up every bit of attention (you may have noticed)... I do not mean to belittle or demean or in any way diminish the power of words or the importance I give to the work I do or the sharing that does happen in this life on and offline...

I just know that when everyone goes to bed and after all is said and done, I simply want more... it's always been this way in this life for me as far back as I can remember (and we trail back to the instinctive thoughts of infancy to find the same string tugging at me... more sharing, more intimacy, more passion, more intimacy, more energy, more love, more intensity, more optimism, more realism, more hope, more courage, more devotion, more fearlessness, more determination, more silliness, more seriousness, more irreverence, more reverence, more humor, more tears, more laughter, more bonding, more creativity, more curiosity, more innocence, more honesty...

more...

and days go by alone, but what aches infinitely more, now that I work what most would call a normal workweek, are the nights going by alone... at least the days are full of distractions, challenges, interactions, opportunities, meaning - no matter how impersonal or superficial or insane or unreal it can get sometimes, it is something... and the nights go by alone with only my imagination to play with, with only the visuals and sounds on TV or the CD player or the internet to amuse me, with only my words to let me know I am here...

and the nights go by alone and I wonder why
do I have to feel so lonesome I could cry
and the nights go by alone and I sit and sigh
is there nothing left to do but write and die

and the nights go by alone
and the days are full of distractions
and the memories all fade
as the days provide fewer attractions
and the nights go by alone
and the days are full of repetitions
and the fantasies fade
as life becomes a dance of attritions

it doesn't make any sense anymore
I wonder if it ever did all along
nothing seems to feel like it did before
I don't know where everything went so wrong
how long can I keep feeling this emptiness
this longing for something more
while being alive is still my happiness
I feel I missing something... missing what I'm alive for

and the nights go by alone and I sing my song
will I ever know the sharing I dream of
and the nights go by alone and I try to be strong
for I don't want sympathy... I want to love and be loved
I don't want your pity... I want your love

and the painted ponies go round and round... hello... hello... hello... is anybody in there?... just nod if you can hear me... is there anybody home?... you may be nodding out there where I can not see you... I cannot be you... how can we feel less alone?... there is this space that I am feeling..,. a wish that something calls from the horizon... you are only coming through in words... I can't see your lips move or read your curves... all I can do is mimic this song, whether it is right or wrong, I don't care, judgments don't belong in this, do you know what we miss as we become... comfortably numb...

and it really doesn't matter if I'm wrong or right, where I belong I'm right, where I belong... so I go on as the nights go by alone, dreaming my impossible dream, walking on through the wind, through the rain, doing it my way... and memories and music (words, songs) keep me in touch with the emotions so seldom shared, but always the reason I am alive... being alive... something more... what I'm alive for...

but don't let it bring you down dear people cuz it's only castles burning and when you find someone who's turning, you will come around to know the bliss that life is about... when you find someone who needs, someone who feels, someone who sees, they will find you... you know they're out there somewhere... hold on, hold out, for when you know you've got a real friend somewhere, suddenly all the others are so much easier to bear... let go of the fears of the past and see the possibilities of today because it's hard to find a new dream with an old one in your eyes... you can be saved by the music, like I am...

and the nights go by alone and I sit here awake, reading, writing, hoping, longing, feeling... open to the universe and anything that might send some positive feedback, so sign that I am not the only one (I know I am not, but the reassurance feels good)... I stay awake just to watch you sleeping, you know, cuz I don't want to miss a thing...

nite nite my far away friends... may you dream your fondest dreams tonight and when you wake, may you find your way to make your dream come true :)

chocolate cures everything

yeah, so I brought home a salad from work and there was Rasputin getting ready to go to the store to get Pepsi and there was Precious asking about food and there we were in the car driving toward that Italian Restaurant Precious and I found last week or sometime recently and there I was eating bacon wrapped scallops and eggplant parmesan and chocolate covered canoli and now, Hershey's Nuggets (Extra Creamy Milk Chocolate with Chocolate Truffle Filling)...

it's chocolate heaven, these truffle things...

so another night of going up on the magic window to the soul, the scale (fatties with a sense of humor would laugh at that... some aren't that jolly though)... insane, really, when we consider just how hard I had to work to drop the excess weight I am now so quickly cementing back on to my belly, neck, and organs (cuz it never goes anywhere else)... maybe it's not so bad... maybe the recent laziness is not a long term project, but rather a passing fancy... maybe I'll run again tonight... or jog, since I've not actually run in a long long time... running is at least ten miles an hour, right?... well, for me it is...

heck, I am not even up to ten miles an hour on the elliptical machine, no less on the track or trail... ah, but I am not yet a fat old man (I just play one on TV) and this sort of self-mockery is just the medicine the doctor (who apparently doesn't want to see me anymore cuz her lawyers told her not to... dang lawyers interfering with our lives like a disease... everybody wants to sue everybody, nobody can trust anybody, and now doctors tell patients who get sick to find another doctor because the doctor's lawyers wager the patient will cost more in court if they stick around and get sicker... shouldn't that be grounds for a lawsuit?) ordered...

bugged-eyed, are we?...

yeah, well, remember the chocolate... and don’t worry if there's not much content or value for your time in this entry, there's a good chance it'll pass into the past before our paths cross again (something about we may never pass this way again... who's that?... Seal's & Crofts?... Loggins & Messina?... Doobie Brothers?... somebody else?... the mind spins with tangential flashes)... drugs this good oughta be illegal... anybody know a good lawyer?...

wait, that was almost a thread of continuity in the nonsense... scary, huh?... never fear (and be a fool, idjit, fear is healthy and never doesn't exist and even if it did, only an idjit would never fear, fool)...

maybe the weirdest thing about chocolate is that it is probably the only food that goes in and comes out looking almost identical, texture, color, weight, consistency, almost identical... amazing, huh?...

wait, where are you going?...

dontcha feel bad for the billions of people who've never taken the time to read me enough to realize that sometimes within all the madness and babble and meaningless drivel, gems of pure crystalline genius pop out to blow your mind with profundity or laughter or both?... dreams may come, what?...

what happens, you see (or you'll just have to take my word for it) is that the signal from the stomach muscles and nerves that there's no more room for food gets sent to the brain, but somewhere along the way (I suspect the mouth, personally), that signal gets intercepted and buried in the sensual pleasure that taste buds send throughout the brain and body, enough to override the pain signals shooting up from the stomach as it is stretched beyond it's limits, like a balloon, and forced to churn away more food than the body needs until it just gives up and goes numb as it expands and then, bigger and bigger, allows more and more food sent down by the hyper-addicted taste buds and the body, unable to metabolize the excess, turns much of it into fat rather than let the stomach or intestines explode...

from: "How The Body Gets Fat" by Cacao Ishitunotay

fun with foibles, aye?... yeah, well, so goes the road to being human... that is what I'm trying to do, remember?... it keeps the boredom at bay while I wait for the one who will save me (save me, save me, stick my head in gravy... mmmmm, good gravy)... but seriously, physicists have long since believes that matter can not be created or destroyed, but any fatty with half a brain knows that's so wrong... can 10.5 ounces of chocolate turn into 10 pounds of body fat?... of course it can, just watch...

if you're a masochist, sadist, or semi-suicidal, that is...

and speaking of nothing like this before, if I bought a laptop and wandered around the world blogging like crazy would you follow?... would you pay for the trip?... sure I am off the wall, nobody wants to read the boring tripe... then again, maybe nobody wants to read any tripe... what is tripe, anyway?...

whatever it is, the proof is in the pudding (is tripe pudding?)... maybe you missed some classic banter and pathos, ethos and confession, catharsis and sincerity, seriousness and honesty, openness and vulnerability, and a whole lot more along the way, so that just shows to go ya... well, maybe not nobody (whatcha think of the entry a few entries back here that turned ethereal short story over at myspace recently?... so much, so many, so many, so few)... is tripe a ridiculously irreverent (but potentially poignant and powerfully potent guilt trip)?... who cares, really... well, ok, maybe there are a few dear wonderful loving caring beautiful amazing souls who actually do want to read everything cuz they really do actually truly care about me and all the little details of this life...

what a crazy bunch we'd make, aye?...

but instead (of the sincere vulnerability and such), you get this... just our luck, huh?... well, yeah, so, yeah, well... so in conclusion, we eat chocolate, we get fat, we get lazy, we get fat, we eat lotsa pasta and cheese, we get fat, we go to the doctor and find a lawyer, we eat more chocolate, we get fat, we get fat, we live with couch potatoes, we get fat, we live alone too long, we get fat, and of course, we eat chocolate, we get fat... and don't forget the canoli...

tomorrow, we may discuss how we go blind...

see ya :)

he's got legs!

and he knows how to use them

ZZ Top, eat your heart out :)

hello and welcome to an introspective entry... you've been warned :)

if you are looking for a more selfless, mature, sensible, or inspirational entry or even more of a lighter distraction, try the previous entries (please, they miss you if you missed them) or visit myspace where I went and plagiarized myself again this weekend... this bit of whining pathos will be here when you get back, promise...

my legs were crying out for sustenance after just one lap of the four I jogged last night... it could be because I've not slept much this weekend... I thought I slept, really I did, but when I counted up the hours as best as I could, I probably only slept about seven or eight hours all weekend and only about three or four by the time I went out running at 6AM Sunday morning... hey, I was engrossed in putting entries together for myspace, vital to universal security and stuff, ya know?...

there's also the imbalance factor in my exercising... the upper body and arms are being neglected, growing flabby and fatter, even as the legs are screaming out for a morsel of food... I probably have 15% or more body fat above the waste and less than 1% below... that's because the only exercise I've been doing in recent weeks (months?... no, weeks since I went to the gym where I'd at least do the elliptical that got my arms and chest somewhat involved) is jogging... I'm lacking in external inspiration, swimming up a waterfall in overall influences, and my internal motivation, which is mostly all I've lived on for most of this life, is at a less than half full level these days... it ebbs and flows, so I'm not concerned with my recent laziness... I'm out running lightly at least once a week, so I'm not back to the vegetative state I slipped into last year, but I am noticing my direction changing and pointing this out to myself here is one way I am trying to get myself back on track (so to speak)...

my upper body laziness is definitely vegetative... I could blame it on the desk job, and certainly there's an extremely lazy and poor diet influence in my face all the time here, but it's more my own personal psychological mindset... sexuality plays a factor (or lack of it), as does lack of opportunity to play interactive sports... but it's rooted deeper and I'll just have to have a talk with myself one of these days before I get too old to actually workout to my standards and run another marathon...

and the sleeplessness is one aspect of the imbalance going on inside these days... too much lazy poor-diet uncreative spectator sedentary growing old lack of social life, conscience, or activity... not enough me... so I wander the web more than I usually do because I am searching for change, searching for someone to play with, searching for creative inspiration, stimulation, engagement, activity, interaction, invigoration... something other than watching other people on the TV...

alas, I've been wandering this world alone all through this life, even during my years of being part of a couple, there was too much compromise and not enough relating to the stuff that makes me alive in this life... so my legs were probably complaining about my upper body (and mental) procrastination... my legs can be a pain, but painfully smart... they are asking what's the point of all this running around if we're going nowhere we want to be and not finding anyone with whom to go anywhere, or even nowhere... sharing the journey is easy if you don't want to share the whole journey... I no longer want to share like that...

my legs used to do this a lot when I was a smaller child... I'd do sit ups in bed until I could no longer sit up, thousands of them each night... some people count sheep, they tell me... I felt muscle burn... it kept me in touch with the body I as learning to live in... and burned off the extra energy I always seem to be producing long around the lights go out and everybody else falls asleep... it's not insomnia, cuz I really don't want to sleep... for me, it's just it's being alive...

so I hold out (ah, remembering Jackson Browne... where are the mix tapes I used to call my psyche, my autobiography, my philosophy, my reminders or who I am... some in storage, most lost in Toronto... life is a tricky proposition to be real in when you've lost yourself, ya know?... ah, but how much of this is emo-drama play and how much of this is serious help-me therapy?... only my headshrinker knows and since I don't have one, nobody knows... I'd even settle for a hair-dresser, giggles and all)...

the never ending banality of watching TV, eating meat, ice cream, soda, and sitting around every moment except when at work is not as amusing as it usually is tonight... a good sign... I mean, I could amuse myself to death, literally, with irreverent ambivalence and carefree apathy... yeah, I am that good at it... luckily, I am also good at putting my nose in my shit...

so I'm gonna skip the run tonight and ponder my navel... taking a few days or week off work would be wise, especially if I took off somewhere and spent some time alone, but that's not practical or professionally responsible at the moment since I agreed to do two time-sensitive jobs until we figure out how to find a part time data entry person with sufficient clinical skills to do enough of the data job for me to be able to organize the department and give myself some time off...

I could just crawl around a lot, but that's not as much fun as it used to be, especially with no one to crawl around with... I do mean literally crawl around... it's quite literally the first baby steps back to waking up the upper body and arms as the knees demand less pressure and the arms must take more and more weight with every step, or crawl... of course returning to that stage of infancy also brings the vulnerability of wanting to curl up and cuddle with someone... and then, the sensuality of cuddling can easily become sensual and in tern, sexual exploration... but we don't have to go into my nursery school sex tapes just now...

what?... when was your first sexual experience?...

yeah, ok, so perhaps we are now distracted from the malaise that infected this entry for a while (mock malaise, perhaps, but then, nobody knows, remember?... and z0tl's not around to remind us about the waitress at the bar on the beach, so there)... maybe I'm malaising cuz I know I could be in Cancun right about now and I tripped myself up by going corporate on myself again... adjusting to the corporate mindset is causing some indigestion and leg pains, naturally (makes sense to me)...

so feel free to read the previous entries that you missed if you want positivity and fun and frolic and inspiration and all that good stuff that pours out of me most of the time (I will beg for attention, ya know... especially when I am in the curled up crawling near fetal stages of the roller coaster... I mean, it's not fair that only girls can have that time of the month, really... us boys deserve some sort of poor-me self-nurturing time too, right?... pamper me, why dontcha, I'll be all sorts of appreciative when I come back to my egocentric confident secure self...

and now, it's not that I'm just horny or lonely or any such simple answer... not to say that hormones are not involved, but it's a long deep psychological sigh that comes around every now and then when I realize I just sold my soul to the devil one more time and it might be a couple of years before I can renegotiate the contract and trick the horned angel that I am really way too high maintenance and not worth the trouble... metaphorically speaking (or writing), of course...

of course I am amused, where've you been?... this is why I write, to amuse myself... the fact that you come along for the ride inspires me to want to love you and inspire you and amuse you most of the time because usually I am easily amused and do not require nearly this much self-pampering and whining-time... it's nothing that could not be cured by finding a fit adorable roommate who wants to put cushy mats down all over the place so we can crawl around for hours and hours and days or however long it takes to collapse in infantile bliss (the trick is to find someone who won't collapse days before I do, which is where the fitness comes in... the infantile honesty is just as much a prerequisite, so I'm kinda stuck cuz I don't think any grown people still care to be in touch with that part of themselves... oh the agony of defeat... knowing CPR would help too, I mean, just in case one of us have a heart attack trying to return these bodies to their child-like energy levels)...

but I am serious... why is everybody laughing? (will it help if I stop batting my eyelashes?... or start?)... ah, here we go again, rambling on and on too much... once again singing, will no one stay awake with me... dedicated to this daily writing (and I actually do mean daily, cuz I am alive and hoping to share everyday, even when everybody else is otherwise occupied, lost in solitary distraction, or asleep) my heart out to keep in touch with my imaginary soulmate who may not exist in this lifetime, but the hope that posterity will bring the words to her eyes and mind someday keeps me flowing right along... I think I am more ready and hungry for than ever to actually connect, commit, and share a daily life relationship that is not superficial... and in the meantime, here we are and there you are and if I could, I'd hug you big right now... the squishy kind of hugs only three year olds are allowed to do because they do not trigger insecurities like grown-up hugs do...

people are just such scaredy-cat stuffed shirts... dumb humans (oh dear, mustn't bite the hands that feed us now, be a good boy and run along and play now)...

hello, hi, how are you?... welcome to by blog... I write to keep myself company when I am alone, to hear (see) myself think so I know I'm still somewhere in my head, to express my feelings to know my heart is still beating even when I am the only one with my head on my chest, to remind myself of who I am cuz I have a tendency to forget when I am alone too long or with others not much like me (it's the chameleon in me), and to keep hope alive for interaction and loving others in this world... and finding the one... thank you for coming and I hope you find something worth your time and some reason to return and maybe even respond to something... you are more appreciated than you know, especially when I don't tell you...

I hope you are sharing the smile (and maybe even some of the giggles scattered through this entry... and maybe even some of the tears too, but it's ok if we ignore those, I'm used to that too... shhhh, I wasn't supposed to say that)... honesty is just so much more fun than anything else, even when it seems embarrassing or somehow impolite... I hope you understand some of this... and now, it's time to put the kid to bed...

nite nite :)

so what's the deal with myspace?

some years back, maybe eight, maybe ten, maybe more, I was walking along Orange Avenue in downtown Orlando and just as I was approaching Wall St., there came the sound of a serious guitar and a familiar voice from a local bar called One Eyed Jacks that drew me in because for a moment I wondered if Melissa Etheridge stopped by to do an impromptu gig in the little bar... and I found Amy Steinberg... if you like Melissa Etheridge, you'll probably like Amy Steinberg... just a girl and her guitar, she was shaking the walls from the mini-stage in the corner of this little bar, filling the room with a raspy voice singing intelligent lyrics backed by crisp music, a living sound that spilled out on to the street and had everyone glued to her performance as if they paid good money to see her in a concert hall...

one of the reasons I wander myspace fairly regularly, besides the superficial ego stroking, is the music available there... when my computer cooperates, I find new music almost every time I visit... and I've connected with some great people there (and stay in touch with some long time friends as well)... I blog there as well, often revising some writing from here or elsewhere (which is what I did this weekend, one entry turning into a sort of an odd short story... and there was one new rhyme, a kiss, added there too) and find others writing some great stuff (and wonderful images and eye candy), but the primary draw of myspace, for me, is the music... I love finding new music I can love...

lately I'm enjoying several new singers and one I'll mention is Shannon Thomas, who I found at her myspace blog (actually, I found her at her personal blog on myspace, which is another great thing as new artists are not just promoting their music, but they often are just putting themselves out on the internet as we do, as people, just reaching out)...

there are those just flashing ego (and sex), but there are also those trying to share some good information like holistic health and there are those trying to create community discussion like dodinsky who attracts an oddly diverse group of commenters (I think he started attracting his audience partly because he gives away his poetry in graphic icons and images for others to use on their sites... there are people who put words and images together to tell stories, to slice life into a two dimensional snapshot fin does that well... some might remember her from diaryland)... as does Jenny and so many others... there are also some very amusing and insightful writers to be found there... and for irreverent kicks, I sometimes leave a comment for a celebrity as if they might actually read it... I just did that at Bob Saget's myspace after catching his latest HBO special (definitely hoping his Full House audience has a perverse sense of humor)... that's just scratching the surface of a few of the things to be found there...

it's not the site, it's the people... just as it's not the location, it's the participants in an event... myspace just happens to be the hot spot right now and I think it's great to have a universal phone book of sorts for anyone who wants to browse the world online and hopefully more great connections, with old friends and new, with creative inspirations and fun and serious thought, can be found along the way... you can find the people I try to read when I have time on the list to the left of my blog there, though some are just put there to check out again and I've not actually read much...

so that's what I get out of myspace, at least... it's kind of like wandering around downtown online... and the more technology develops, the more interactive the web will get and it won't be long before myspace, or a site like it, takes the video sharing feature and turns it into actual video conferencing, like instant messaging except with visual contact... sure, many will shy away at first, but future generations will develop self-confidence and self-esteem and use the medium to share as casually as we pick up the telephone...

there's evolution going on every day... the physical might take thousands of years or even millions, but the social, emotional, and psychological evolution of humanity only takes a generation or two to be seen... and the evolution of technology is happening a few times a year these days... our kids and kid's kids and future generations will laugh at how frightened we were of sharing ourselves... I think that (sharing) is what this life is about... so I, for one, welcome the changes and the opportunities... I wish more people did...

all it takes is growing :)

welcome to the living room

and when no one wants to hear your song
sing it softly to yourself in your mind
and when no one wants to understand
compromise and remember to be kind
and you'll find
you can always find yourself in your mind
you can always find your peace in your mind
you can always find your love in your mind
you can always find your song in your mind
I am feeling slightly crushed at the start of this entry, but not so much so for I have learned to expect this here... Raspy works 2AM to Noon with Tuesday and Saturday nights off, so he sleeps every evening (bedtime is about when I get home from work) except some Saturday nights (when he can stay awake, which isn't often when I think about it)... and now that I work what is basically a 9-5 weekday gig, there is no time in this space to turn up the music and sing with all I've got... that makes it very challenging to call it my home and therefore, in many ways, it isn’t... just one more reason I've not actually moved in to this space...

apparently, in a rare moment of Friday night bliss after re-reading the optimism of the previous entry and visiting you guys (and listening to some Elvis Costello and drifting back to very early candora and my own seldom played {these days} heart-strings), I put on a Harry Chapin CD... Legends of the Lost and Found... ah yes, the Stranger With The Melodies called me out... and I almost started singing (what I mean is, I started singing and almost found my voice again... and I am not sure if you know what I mean, but when you find your voice and sing from deep within, physically and ethereally, no matter how softly you sing, the flimsy walls of an apartment are nothing and the sound energy passes through with ease)...

for a brief few moments, I forgot the mostly dead life I've become accustomed to living while sharing space in recent years... a life in which creativity is a spectator sport and I try to suppress energy (including the singer) so as not to intrude upon the other's spaces so they can watch TV and sleep and do what they will... and when doing that, suppressing a voice and still trying to sing, well, the singing is not very good... in fact, as Harry would suggest, it sucks... and it leaves one open to honest appraisal (criticism) of a half-hearted attempt at carrying a tune, even ridicule...

and it woke Rasputin, so he came out to the living room to sleep...

so I stopped singing again because I never really got started and the space is not available for a voice... the TV goes back on, Precious wants to watch Bill Maher (a mind I often enjoy listening to as well), and Rasputin sleeps... welcome to the living room...

the irony, or perhaps it is synchronicity, is I found words that reached deep into my sleeping psyche in Pernickety's entry and out popped these thoughts:

the scariest thought I ever heard come from my mind was what you said, maybe if you become them, you'll understand...

in my own way, many times, out of loneliness, out of desire to please, out of compromise, out of desire for peace, out of so many well-intended reasons, I tried every way i could to become them, to fit in, to share what they shared, to feel less alone in this world...

nothing worked for long... I always sobered up - or woke up... and everything was the same... they were in what seemed to me to be a fog of pretense and hypocrisy and I was sitting on the sidelines of their games wondering what they got out of them, for they left me unsatisfied and often, feeling stained, corrupted, tainted, spoiled, even dirty...

ah, stop messing with my mind...

yes! :)

if you understand what I just said, thank you for sharing this smile :)

and here we are... unsatisfied with the life offline... feeling the music, feeling closer to the singer and the song, and finding no space to let the song energy out... so I come back to the words and keep the music in my head... it feels just as good, just in a different way... physical, but not as physical... real, but not as real... a compromise that allows some sharing, but just not all the sharing I'd like... I've lived alone and sung to the empty space, even sang to my dog, and somehow, as wonderful as it was for the body and spirit, it was so dang lonely...

so there are these moments when I miss singing space and I mourn the distance that has grown between the singer in me and the person I am in daily life, but I've come to terms with my decision to share space and therein share what I can share (which depends on those around me), even if it means suppressing some of the physical joy I can experience and share in this life rather than live alone and "share" only with myself... so like Mr. Tanner, I sing softly to myself... sitting here at the computer I sing through the written word and softly to myself, and to Wacko and the MTV Spaceman, two of my most loyal long-time fans who sit on my monitor smiling lovingly at me...

I hope that does not mean I am becoming them, I am simply living more like them... I've never been able to lose myself, even when I most diligently tried... given a moment of free time and space, I soar back into myself where I am most at home... and suddenly, coming through this journey of thought through these words, I am no longer feeling crushed at all, but rather, I am feeling comfortable and appreciated for what I give that others appreciate... and what no one appreciates, I simply enjoy by myself, inside, where it is most real...

stay true to your dreams and your true self, dear friends (and strangers too), and remember where you live and who you are... it is your mind, always, no matter how others might try to mess with it...

if life is a song...

make it a duet.

at least,

for almost every song is more beautiful when sung in harmony... note I did say almost, but I'll leave that for others to ponder as I choose to hope for the ideal world that can be if we'd all sing in harmony (and appreciate and support the solos as part of the our shared song)...

and once I sang:

give life to the love deep inside
for the love that you hide
will be gone once you've died

give life to the tears you have cried
for the love you've denied
becomes pain when kept inside

give song to your heart and sing
the words you know are true
give song to your soul and sing
the words you know are you

and watch it become a verse in the song of humanity
for that is the way of love when it is spoken honestly
and feel as it leads to the chorus we all know so well
shared it brings the blessings of heaven
repressed it brings the curses of hell
listen children to these secrets grown-ups seldom tell
and sing your song of life sing the song of your love
sing to share and not to sell
and you will understand everything
before the last bell

give song to your heart and sing
the words you know are true
give song to your soul and sing
the words you know are you
what life through yon window breaks (beware, the shatter pane, invisible to all but the heart that knows the ways of betrayal and the dangers of blind mirth)... embrace the endowed spirit with all you are, for the flight, for the fall, for the gasp, for the call of the wild deep inside everywhere... and listen for the song of the essence, let it know you are there... join in the song with your presence (all you have to do is care)... honesty makes you aware there is nothing to fear... you'll know you've arrived... when you get here...

and once I sang:

and the small circle of humanity at the top of the cultural food chain (and the evolutionary food chain as well, but that's another story) do not want to look down upon the rest as if they could understand the difference, but rather look to embrace the recognition of being where they are and appreciate others who show love, if only in awe, and occasionally manifest a deep loneliness for the moments shared with those who have been there...

and a few, starving artists and deliberate vagabonds and cast-offs from the lifestyle, look up at where they've been and see memories akin to the stories of the gods of Olympus, lost between time and space, myth and legend, being there and being here... and like ghost of another time or fallen angels, they appear like anyone except to those who can see the shadows of the ghosts they once were (and still are inside, invisible to the masses as they've assimilated the common ways, but nonetheless themselves)...

poets have long attempted the expression of such people and journeys, a few may have come close, but what is beyond words might be expressed in some other are or better, in love for the few who have known and can understand...

the presence, the energy, the gifts are all around us for anyone open... blessed and cursed by their each individual choice, we become the myriad of faces woven into the tapestry of humanity...

never meaning to be elite or aloof, Adolf struggled with his feelings of inadequacy until it tore him apart and left him a shell of a man with a pain so deep it blinded him to his own humanity... not Eve nor god herself could have reached him, but did none try, I wonder... could Aphrodite have soften his heart?... could Bacchus have cheered his spirit?... could anyone have reach the child inside?... when lost in a fairy tale written by the devil, a paradox within a fantasy within a myth within a legend within a story millions might believe to be history, how can we separate reality from fantasy and know?...

honesty is such a lonely word...

but the laughter of children can save us from the depths of despair that our own ignorance leads us to, like moths to the flame, like lemmings to the light, like Icarus to the heavens... to know what many call God is not to venture up or anywhere, it is simply to be honest inside... and to be in that small circle of humanity is not to leave this world or others behind, it is simply to actualize such awareness in this physical world... to sing your song...

and then this one time, in RealTime™...

I love you
even if you never know
or believe it could be so
I love you with all my heart
that is what I do
this is who I am

I love you
even if you live in fear
or put cotton in your ear
I love you with all my soul
because you are you
you don't need to understand

it might be better if you knew
if you would comprehend
you'd not feel so alone
you've always had a friend
who cares to know your heart
and all that's on your mind
I will protect your soul
from the cruel and unkind
we share the DNA
we share the energy
we share experience
even if you do not see
this life is where we are
all part of energy
a living symbiosis
all branches of one tree
so there's no better choice
than to embrace the truth
the answers that we knew
before we sold our youth
when all there was to do
was reach out and play
to just be me and you
and not afraid to say
I love you
there is no better way
I love you
right here, right now, today
and at home, I ate like I was at a feast, then, in my seventeenth hour awake, ran for an hour (thank you for the reminder)... and I faced the sour notes at work and prepare for the sad conclusion the morning shall bring (that woke me and brought me here to write these words, I suppose)... and in spite of it all, today was a good day (and thank you for the inspiration)... each of you, in your own way, provided exactly what was required to bring me to a peaceful bliss...

yes so in spite of it all, today was a good day... today was a good day, because of it all... because honesty lead the way, I knew just what to say, and it doesn't matter if I soar or I fall... when honesty leads the way, every day is a good day, when honesty leads the way, we can heart our heart's call... when honesty leads the way, we can answer... and make the best of it all :)

nite nite, my wonderful friends and all ships at sea... may your light guide you to a safe harbor where you find comfort, sustenance, and rest... and may tomorrow find you off on another adventure, singing your song in harmony with the universe, knowing you are loved because you are part of it all...

yay :)

up, down, and sideways...

that's life these days... this entry relates to work as of Thursday, but we'll call it Wednesday's entry because there was no Wednesday entry and it's way long enough to be an entry and besides, you know I like to pretend I can manipulate time... so being that this is Wednesday (just look at the date if you don't believe me), travel into the future with me now as I predict what will happen tomorrow...

yeah, life is up (promotion, respect, exciting changes at work, back to the same old same old at home), down (challenges at work, lonelies, lazies, carb indulgence, and the same old same old at home), and sideways (I love dancing in circles even if it gets me nowhere, I love roller coasters even if they go nowhere, and the same old same old at home), but at least I've got you guys caring to know and responding (thankee sai) and that helps keeps the ups up, the downs from dragging me down, and makes the sideways more fun... so from your inspiration (and my comment response), this entry grows...

after two days in my office it's about 70% organized (it looks better than it is, but that maintains the faith in me that the other directors seem to have as they continue to oooo and aaahhh over my used of office space... I'd mention that it's nothing that spending $500 in office supplies can't accomplish for them, but then I couldn't slip as many PO's (Purchase Orders) through the system by walking them to and from the CFO's desk myself)...

I've still got to get creative with space (as with many private hospitals, office space is small and overcrowded) and that'll take some more time... and the organization is still just surface (window dressing) because I am not actually using the computer (or communicating by email much) because the desk computer is old (Windows 2000) and won't import the mail (.pst file) from Outlook 2003, which slows progress as the laptop is old and has the same obstacle, but at least I am already using it, which splits my mail into two locations (better than three or more), which interrupts follow up... but the progress is much more visible and my vision for the department is much easier to organize now that I can set up my office...

and then there's the assistant...

now you may already know that I am tough on myself... I prefer a brick aimed squarely at my own forehead when I am delusional or just plain stupid about something... but I struggle with explaining to others why their shortcomings prevent them from doing what they think they can do, especially when they have been set up to fail and I've got to be the one to break that news... I'm much better when I deal with patients than peers...

if the assistant administration gave me sent in a resume I'd have never even called her in for an interview... but the Administrator wants to cut the budget and has been chopping jobs in half in all the departments... so they gave me the Medical Records Clerk half time to fill the full time Clinical Data Specialist position...

there is a reason the job title is Clinical Data Specialist... data entry is the last step, and the simplest, of the process... and the assistant they gave me wasn't cutting it as a Medical Records Clerk according to the Director of the department... she takes too long to process information, must be lead step by step through every process several times and still fails to grasp enough understanding to work independently at an adequate pace...

and gathering the data for the state reports is much more than merely copying from reports others do, the data is created by reviewing clinical evaluations and translating the words into terms and numerical data that require an understanding of the clinical terms, medications, diagnoses, and the therapeutic process and more than anything, being able to make clinical assessments based on reports from doctors and other licensed professionals...

the bottom line is one important way the effectiveness of our treatment is measured is by the data that is translated from written evaluations by the Clinical Data Specialist...

but either the powers do not realize this or they simply ignore it in an attempt to satisfy the Administrator's call to cut the budget... tomorrow morning, I shall put these facts on the table and let them stir them around because I decided, after two weeks and a day, that it is time to either go without an assistant or replace her...

simply, the data is falling way too behind and I am spending too much time training s I do not have time to do enough of the PI job... and I think I would not fall as far behind if I did it all myself (though I will make it clear that the data would fall behind and gradually become out of compliance if I had to do it all for long)...

I need someone who has some clinical background and experience... even more, someone who has the education and confidence in their ability to make decisions... we simply do not have the luxury of training someone for months and that is what would be required in this case to even get a mediocre level of performance (and even months of education might not be enough for the aptitude just does not seem to be there)...

some people process clinical information and numbers well and some people do not... and that is my task for tomorrow, to break this news to the Administrator, Personnel, and other Directors... and then, to this nice woman who was set up to fail...

sucks to be me tomorrow, but much more, sucks to be the nice woman who's Medical Record Clerk's job was cut in half and may not even have that if the Director of that department is as honest with herself and the Administrator as she has been with me (she's complained to me about the slow pace of her assistant and that is simply doing filing and checking that forms are in the records)...

I suppose that this is their first test of my managerial skills, can I play the heavy... and while I do not like it (and struggle with it internally), this will be far from the first time I've been faced with firing someone (it's just the first time in a long long time) and probably won't be the last...

I just wish they would have thought it through because I hate it when someone is set up to fail... if she was not an adequate clerk, what made them think she could develop and expand on skills she already demonstrated she does not have? (rhetorical question)...

ok, enough venting about corporate disorganization and wimpy management, thanks for listening...

on the positive side, the office is starting to straighten up well, despite the cramped quarters... and the maintenance department and business office is responding to my requests with amazing expediency as almost everything I am asking for is getting done asap on my first request (and immediately upon a second request when I need to remind them)... that pleases (and surprises) the other directors, who've sat back and left the reorganization of departments (the good {getting spaces set up and supplies for those who need them}, bad (moving the one-day-a-week staff out into the cubicle in spite of her passive aggressive stalling and whining}, and ugly {breaking the news tomorrow morning}... wonder where the credit will go, I muse knowingly) to me...

and today I walked into my office and found a comfy brand new ergonomic chair in front of my desk (as opposed to the cheap basic desk chairs most everybody else gets) and a brand new bulletin board on the wall over my desk (not included in the supplies I ordered... that's Safety/Building/Purchasing Director taking care of me as he did that himself among dozens of other things and favors he and the CFO provided)... gotta love that respect...

and that's the state of the work life as of tomorrow (getting better all the time, in spite of the sour spots)... next entry, maybe I'll wonder off into other subjects, as if I have a life outside of work life to relate (ahem)... thanks for being here with me on this journey through my mind... hope you are enjoying it too...

what's all this about realtime?

whether the letters and numbers and names and symbols and moments and times of life are prophetic or profound numbers or something simple and mostly arbitrary and relatively meaningless (like ages, years alive in the physical form on this planet) or even completely random, RealTime™ can be like that too...

daily life is so repetitious most of the time, it's probably quite boring to read me drone on and on about it... and once again, it put me to sleep... just thinking about life in RealTime™ (this entry started three hours ago when I was much younger and awake... I paused to watch Pan's Labrynth again {cuz Rasputin finally decided to watch it cuz it needs to be returned tomorrow or it will cost more money cuz the rental period is over} and nodded off... so it must have been the repetitious thoughts of the repetitious nature of the repetitions of daily life, right?) and nodded off... the subtitles might have helped... I'd probably nod off even faster if daily life had subtitles...

the irony of this blog is that I am not intentionally trying to babble on the way I used to babble on behind the candoor (which was the ironically titled babbling on blog in which I did most of the babbling on I did when I was intentionally babbling on, by the way, that is not over, really, but simply went to sleep one day and has been hibernating for months now, in case anybody remembers, or wonders, and thank you for that), but it does seem to happen quite unintentionally what I am not looking (or sometimes when I am) because (and this is an educated guess that is a bit more than a hypothesis, but still more theory than proveable fact, I think, probably) I am a babbler...

instead, I attempted to come here to create this blog in order to reduce the babbling and report on the facts, just the facts, of life as I live it in RealTime™, daily, mundane and all... cuz I figured that maybe some of the people who read me over at diaryland (and previously at livejournal and even more previously {and simultaneously}, other places too) might actually want to know me,the me behhind the writer of behind the candoor, if you know what I mean... not that this blog is that, but this is something closer to what I do during the time of this life (in RealTime™, I suppose), which might be a reflection, or at least a clue, as to who I might be if anybody knew...

and if there ever was a clever word, or moment, in any of my previous babbling, or here even, it was mostly unintentional, like a side effect or almost an accident, for the intention was and always is (or is and always was, for that matter) to relate the momentary thoughts dropping (or popping) out of the relatively constant stream of consciousness I loosely call my mind, which is where I live and as close to the me I know as me (which might actually be me, if you know what I mean) in order to record them (the thoughts) in order to understand and perhaps even get to know me (who me?... I thought all this was about you being the given the opportunity to know me, I mean, if you really wanted to {with thanks to Melissa Etheridge, of course}, then, or now, or ever, which brings us to posterity, but that's another time {with thanks to Harry Chapin, of course} and we can explore it when you or I or someone brings it up again {if any of us can figure out just what it might have been, ok?)...

and when I was babbling (which only happens unintentionally here, no matter how often it may happen), there were those (a select few, perhaps) who claimed that the cleverness (or genius, to coin a word that was used once or twice) was woven so deeply into flow of words that 99.774% of the population (which would mean even fewer readers than actually read the blog back then) had not evolved enough to ascertain even a fraction of a percent of the layers of meanings threaded into the weave of words, but the tapestry might have been something beautiful or meaningless or even irritating to look at or experience, much like an intricately woven rug or web, whether approached with ambivalence or fear or reverence (the latter being appreciated)...

of course the babbling might have all be ego flexing it's muscles (or farting) and/or a way to pass the time between actual sharing of flesh and time (in RealTime™, no less) and this RealTime™ blog just might have been a way of attempting to cut through the viel of egocentricity (and insecurity it attempted to disguise, however poorly it may or may not have succeeded) and all the babbling that does occur here (with or without italic emphasis or parenthetic elaborations or asides, for that matter) might be defeating the purpose of this blog (whatever that may actually be, in RealTime™, that is)...

but what is revealed amidst the babble may or may not be a deeper insight into the psyche of the being who wrote the past blogs (or this one, for that matter) and no one will ever know without venturing deeper than the deepest babbling (into the world of the flesh and blood, sweat and tears, laughter and spit, and assorted other bodily fluids) where the truth can (might, could possibly) be found, but the unobstructed view of the daily events of life as I experience it (mundane and all) just might be the best we can do at distance, so this blog was born...

and as fascinating as all this might be (or as sarcastic), this is (once again) not what this blog is meant to be... this is transient time, thought-time, babble-time, dinglebot-time, perhaps, but not RealTime™,,,

so meanwhile, this one time, in RealTime™ (which is so not band-camp-time), the Earth moved at work today as the one-day-a-week staff was called and given the opportunity to move into he cubicle or she'd find her stuff boxed and moved in when she came in next week... so she came in and moved, though still as passive aggressive about it as ever as she did the absolute minimum, she boxed her stuff and put it in the cubicle, but didn't actually move into the cubicle... nor did she take home the personal items that are not safe in the open area of the cubicle, risking loss by theft or worse, danger to a patient who might go into the area (and therein possibly require physical restrain that he/she would not have needed if the area was not full of sharp objects, personal items, and too much non-work stuff)...

but the good news is, with relatively constant nudging, I have an office of my own now... I spent the afternoon cleaning out the drawers as the former PI person was not very organized and left a whole lot that needed sorting and archiving (stuff from 2005 and 2006) and hopefully I will get the office supplies I ordered sometime this week so I can put my own order to the space (to make maximum use of the space) and actually start taking the QA/PI job seriously (though not with my full attention as the data assistant is still so slow that I'll still need to do about 90% of the data job for at least the next couple of months)...

and then I went home, but on the way, I faced the wrath of traffic (well, perhaps I can give the appearance of excitement through words in spite of just how mundane the daily life can be)... there are three exits from the research park that contains the psychiatric hospital in which I work and one of them closed down from three lanes to one, creating a massive traffic backlog at the 5pm quitting time... so exiting the research park, a process that would ordinarily take 5 minutes now takes 20 or longer, more than tripling the time it takes me to get home...

along the way, Precious called... hungry... wanting to know my dinner plans cuz Raspy passed out on the couch and she couldn't get a conherent answer from him about dinner... so we woke Raspy and drove to Macaroni Grill and I plurged on dinner for all of us... I must really feel guilty about something, or simply feel generous because of my promotion, or something, cuz that's a lot of money spent on others ($300+ in the past three days)... and there's my intended dinner, my $1.25 salad in the fridge, for tomorrow and the body laughs as it stores more fat... ah, the folly of socializing with humans, so much food, so little stomach...

in any case, I am amused and the food was scrumptious, so what's a few chubby fat cells amongst friends... just cuz it's the gross national product (as in gress, to me at least), it's at least amusing to play with words and mock myself... and maybe there's some amusement or morbid curiousity in you too, which makes all this translating into words worthwhile in RealTime™ and not< just for the illusion that someone, someday, might care to actually try to get to know me, or for posterity, whichever comes first...

so we watched Pan's Labrynth and I napped and then, which watching Eureka and Flash Gordon and The X-Files I related all these thoughts to you in words as you see them here in RealTime™, or a likely (if not reasonable) facsimile...

for the record, Muldar's apartment was 42, Scully's was 35...

and happy birthday to you too...

any other Monday

I'd probably be asleep... I did nod off after eating a salad (and cottage cheese) for dinner... but then I woke again... and I woke hungry... must have been all that exercise walking for hours and hours around Disney yesterday... and probably an emotional hunger too (comfort food is so sweet)... so I'm munching on Italian subs and watching various TV stuff (Enterprise, football, mediocrity) and most of all, enjoying the empty living room...

yes, Odysseus is gone... Rasputin was serious and handed him a ticket and money and drove him to the bus station today... I did not know Ody had a son where he is going... apparently, as confused as he is, he's going to depend on his 18 year old son (who's been forced to be pretty independent already since Ody is his more responsible parent and hasn't seen him in years) to help him find work (but he's convinced that he's going to teach his son about responsibility and life)... I hope his son can help him and they find much success in whatever they do...

though for the time being, preferably not in Orlando...

I feel so mean for thinking that, but I know the leech mindset wel and I've had more than my share of hangers-on in this life and I've promised myself no more... in talking to Raspy about Ody, Raspy said that Ody has always been this way (dependent, depressed) and the Ody we saw the past two weeks is better than he's ever been... Raspy thinks his mom's finally leaving might have kicked Ody enough to wake him up a bit... sad though, if this is his best ever...

there is apparently some family back where he is going, but only one actually said Ody could stay and limited it to a few days... meanwhile, I am reassured to see that Raspy did make Ody keep his word and we are not enabling him any more... I did hand Raspy some money to help cover what he gave Ody cuz Raspy tapped himself for the rest of the month (Raspy just had to hand him all his money being the good guy he is) and he and Precious shouldn't suffer for being his brother's keeper for a little while... and so after spraying the couch and carpet with Fabreeze, life is sort of back to normal around here...

so any other Monday I'd have napped into a deep sleep and ate very light and gotten good rest and balanced the high caloric weekend, but the energy level was high this evening (even Raspy and Precious were awake and talking and the TV was off when I got home) and so I rode the wave... you shouda been here... better yet, you shoulda been at Disney with Jackson and me this weekend...

work continues to be surreal and almost farcicle as the office cubicle was sort of finished, but the move did not begin because the one-day-a-week person did not move, so the former PI person could not move, so I raised the profile of my relative officelessness (I actually share two offices, but don't claim a desk of my own at the moment because people are working at every desk and I am training my assistant {who is creeping along way too slowly as her learning curve is way too steep to make this reorganization actually work, but I'll give it more time and spend my days developing baby step instruction sheets for every task for her [and let the data and PI work fall behind a month or two] and hope she surprises me one of these days} at my data desk) and had more people noticing and asking and other director's praised me for my patience and adaptability and the ridiculousness of the situation (me wheeling my little table-office around) livened the day and probably raised moral more than lowered it (and that's part of my job too)...

so that's Monday, just like any other Monday, only different...

and just when you thought this was over (it is, mostly), let's all wish z0tl a safe journey (or comisseration) since his planned vacation to Cancun just might get washed out by Hurricane Dean...pack rain gear and boots, z, and don't drink the water... the man has impeccable timing, aye?...

thanks for being here and may you be feeling wonderful tonight :)

just another day at Epcot

the best thing about theme parks may be the exercise... well, no, the best thing is the fun and sharing the fun... the next best thing is the kid can come out to play (which is similar and may be the best thing at that... but one of the best things, for sure, is the exercise... I've never been to the parks with someone who lead me around and took me past my endurance limits, but even if I get to 50% that's a lot better than sitting around...

so Jackson and I ran around Epcot today... there wasn't enough time to do all we wanted to do (especially since two of the things I wanted to do were out of service for part of the day and so we didn't get to do them... another time, but I did notice more down time and closed attractions than ever before... and there were other signs {like unrepaired areas, fewer fireworks, closed restaurants, and exhibits replaced by merchandise tables, for instance} that lead me to think that Disney is cutting corners)... possibly because attendance is down (that's what it looked like to me)...

still, Disney is a magical place and theme parks are wonderful escapes into an energetic child-world... and we definitely got great sunshine and good exercise today... I decided to treat for dinner cuz I wanted to eat at one of the more expensive Epcot restaurants and we chose France... delicious... seriously delicious... enough to give references...

we shared a cream cheese bacon and onion flat bread appetizer (Menu: Les Tartes des Chefs Original Flatbreads from the brick oven A la flamme Alsacienne - Alsace specialty. Cream fraiche, onion and bacon)... then I had onion soup (Menu: Soupe a l'oignon gratinee,
The classic onion soup topped with gruyere cheese)... then shrimp/scallops dinner with a spinach quiche and cream sauce (it's not on the online menu) and a chocolate torte with banana, coconut and chocolate ice cream for dessert (not on the online menu)... Jackson had broiled chicken with mashed potatoes and braised tomatoes (Menu: Demi poulet fermier a la broche, pommes puree au basilic et tomate braisee,
All natural rotiserrie chicken, basil flavored mashed potatoes and braised tomato) and creme brulee for dessert (Menu: Creme Brulee, Vanilla creme brulee served with a madeleine)... we also shared a bottle of Vouvray, a chenin blanc 2005 wine... I added a chocolate chip cookie and chocolate mousse to my dessert at the bakery after leaving (something to munch on while walking around... seriously yum)... yeah, food is magical too...

Epcot was still a second home for me with nooks and crannies so familiar and personal... space open and full of international energy and space semi-enclosed perfect for almost surreal quiet moments in the midst of the party... for many years I visited Epcot (and the other parks in Orlando and Universal holds many intimate memories for me as well, but especially Epcot) regularly, on vacations and then, living close enough to see the nightly fireworks from my front lawn every night... while the semi-tropical climate was a prerequisite for me when I finally left NYC, I probably chose Orlando due to the theme parks...

anyway, I never kept track of how many days I've spent at Epcot or the theme parks over the years, but a conservative estimate would make this at least the 500th day I spent at an Orlando theme park and probably the 300th day I spent at Epcot... it is the energy it attracts and inspires, especially the energy that the kids generate in a theme park, but personally it is the freedom and comfort I feel in an environment that is meant to be a playground for everyone...

wish you were here :)

and I wish I could find more friends who felt as I do and had the means to buy annual passes and the energy to run around from before the parks open to after the parks close, even for days in a row until the experience becomes surreally beautiful as the fatgue and endorphins and magic lifts the brain to alternative planses of consciousness (like running a marathon through the playgrounds of the real world and of the mind and best of all, sharing it with someone on the same wavelength)...

Jackson is one of those friends, though she can't afford to go as often as I'd like to... but today was a serious YAY day and that's the celebration I am enjoying right now...

meanwhile, getting home, there's Ody on the couch looking pathetic (he looks {posture, expression, cleanliness, demeanor, movements} like a depressed homeless person even though he's riding a gravy train in our living room... no one can be helped unless they want to be helped, but they can definitely be enabled and that's what's happening here which is why I think the only thing left to do is put him out recommending professional help... the water is out there if he wants to drink) and of course the TV on again... Raspy appears to be asleep in his room... Precious is in her room either asleep or at her computer... so catching a bus out oif here Sunday or Monday did not happen on Sunday (as I expected) and we shall see if it happens on Monday...

nothing's gonna bring me down (I read the news today, oh boy...) and memories of walking through the twilight with a scruptious chocolate chip cookie and chocolate mousse after a delicious French dinner into an English garden to hear a Beatle's cover band singing some of my favorite songs shall send me off to dreamland tonight with a magical feeling and an infinite smile...

I hope your days was as blessed :)

there are always the archives

well, you may be missing entries but we'll just keep rambling right along cuz there are always the archives, after all...

I did some computer window shopping on the internet today and decided I just might spend close to $2000 on a computer... maybe... I am settling on the INTEL CORE 2 DUO E6700 processor (I'd love the QUAD or EXTREME, but that would shoot the price up about six hundred more)... I considered the AMD ANTHLON X2 6000+ for more than $100 less, but I think I've decided on the INTEL... I am going to throw 4GM of RAM into it, possibly more... and I'm not sure if I'm kicking up to a video card with 600+ memory ($300-$400 more), but I'm putting one in that has at least 256MB memory on it... two 500GB hard drives, at least... the monitor will be minimum 22 inches... a TV Tuner is a must...

there's a 42 inch monitor for only $799 (when I consider I used to buy 27 inch televisions for that price, it doesn't seem so much) that has me sorta drooling, but we shall see... a 37 incher was $599... either could become a better TV than we've got, but then my computer becomes the house TV (and computer) and that won't work for me, so the big monitor is impractical unless we buy yet another computer... it's only dreaming, still, at this point, but it's dreaming with actual product names and codes and prices in front of me instead of just idly mentioning I wanna get a grown up computer someday, ya know?...

I am currently (that's in RealTime, ya know) listening to the new Rilo Kiley CD (I'll be seeing them on October 2nd {they are in Europe at the moment} if all goes well tomorrow when I hope to pick up tickets) and I'm liking what I hear (where are the Rilo Kiley fans out there I used to know?... ah, memories of passing through so many wonderful {and odd and even abrasive} internet communities and collectives over the years, at least I know there are two who are cheering the new release with me, even if they barely know I'm here at blogspot)...

I am actually listening to the songs on this computer, which is a rare treat (must have defragged properly or something this week)... I am not taking any chances browsing the web or visiting any sites while listening though and this is being typed in a notepad)... tomorrow is a Disney day, so I'm hanging out at home tonight (in spite of the smell of uninvited guest still parked on our couch, not to mention the increasing stench of tobacco... I've got my candles and speaking of candles, we watched Rent again this afternoon (would you light my candle, ya know?)... this time Rasputin stayed awake and saw the whole thing... I nodded off somewhere after the intermission, or during it, and woke for the end... it was the ColdStone ice cream, I think... we went out to Boston Market for lunch... I could have probably not eaten today after the eating I did yesterday, but I decided to be social and give into the roommates habits... back to salad for the rest of the week... after tomorrow at Disney... maybe I'll run tonight)...

so I think I'll keep the music on tonight, since Rasputin and Precious have already gone to sleep (at 7pm on Saturday night) and Odysseus may keep the TV off if I turn up the music... he's been in and out more than a dozen times in the past two hours, which, for Florida, is like leaving the door open and keeping the air conditioner on full blast... his phone seems to have died and so he's sitting on the couch reading the paper...

he's got all the signs of someone who has been homeless, though I know it couldn't have been for more than a few days (but homelessness is a lifestyle choice with certain compromises and habits), and possibly has the mindset to remain homeless if he does not find someone who will take him in... he must not have bathed today and I'm not sure if he's washed his clothes since he got here, as the smell is getting strong... may be time to actually light the candles and not just sit next to them...

it intrigues me that someone who makes practically no impact on the world in that he does not work or produce or do much of anything but take the bare minimum for survival from those who will give it to him fills his head with news of the world and local news from wherever he parks himself... he also seems to enjoy the history channel and old black and white movies since that is all that is ever on these days unless I change the channel...

my thought is that he looks for things to talk about when someone is around and open to talking and being up on current events, especially local events, and history gives him an appearance of being part of the world, even though he does little but sit on a couch, step out to smoke cigarettes, and walk to the closest convenience store to buy more cigarettes and Pepsi and chocolate bars... he seems to assume Raspy is paying for the food and everything else...

Raspy spoke about buying him a bus ticket, but that idea seems to be dragging as he might not have enough money, so I told him if he gives me $100 I'll cover the rest... Raspy said that Ody said he'd do that tomorrow or Monday... I told Raspy that, based on my observation, it does not sound like a plan... it sounds like putting off the movement until Raspy brings it up again... Ody might be hoping the subject won't come up again once Raspy starts his busy work week again... we'll see if Ody needs another nudge come Monday...

Raspy was concerned about what Ody would do once he and where he would stay once he gets back to his old home town and I explained that he'll have to face up to the choices everyone must make... live on the street, live in a homeless shelter, find someone else to mooch off, or get a job and pay for a living space of his own... he's never going to have to face that decision if someone is always going to pay for his living space and whatever anyone may think, facing that decision is what he needs to do most... hopefully he'll choose to start supporting himself... and bathing more often...

on to a local band called The Adorables music now since myspace is playing for me... though it's starting to skip a bit, which means memory is filling up... IE in Win98 does not seem to clear memory well and requires frequent reboots... so after The Adorables, I'll go back to the little music player box (once I had a system, big and strong, played music right up to the sky... once I had a system, now it's gone, got a music box to get me by... see, any lifestyle (from homeless to palace life) is some sort of compromise in this material world... sure I'd love a massive sound system like I had a while back in NYC, but I like the simple life more than the high-end corporate life it takes to pay for such toys, so I smile at the little music box cuz it plays music and represents the simpler life I am enjoying these days)...

switching over to Harry Chapin's Cottenpatch Gospel (on cassette, remember those?... it's the only medium I've got for this recording) now cuz I just happen to be in the mood for strange countrified gospel commentary and irreverence "it ain't easy growing up to be Jesus" as only Harry could do it... and a twang of loneliness rises as I put Harry music on as nobody shares him or most of the stuff closest to my heart these days... finding others with specific simpatico interests and cravings and addictions and passions is not as easy as it used to be... partly cuz as far as I can tell, humans seem to get more shut down, narrow, and settled into smaller lives as years pass and my interests, passions, and life gets more open and diverse... seems my curiosity is growing while everybody else's shrinks... but just as probability suggests that we are not the only sentient species in this universe, the same probability suggests that I am not the only one on this planet becoming more open and diverse as times goes by... hope springs eternal here...

hope you've got hope and fun happening at your end, shared, if possible, but at least joyous celebrating of something that inspires your creativity and/or passion and/or positivity and/or smile and more (or all of the above)... it's another wonderful life day here in the land of Zuzu's petals and I am happy you took the time to share it :)