just a moment

i babbled a bit in a comment response to you wonderful few who comment to me here... thank you so much for sharing your time and thoughts and you...

it's been a crazy busy with work couple of weeks and there's still more to do, but i'm gonna get back to fun and going out tomorrow night... and i'll get back to babbling eventually, these quiet times seldom last long... and there is always love, as my myspace song says... where?... exactly where it comes from, is where it's going to...

but to answer the question more melodically...

(press the arrow)

titles are overrated

it's one of those rare losing interest in babbling online phases in the world of candoor and company… it happens every few hundred million years, which is, of course, just a blip in the timespace continuum of the infiniverse… though coupled with the hyper-busy and distracted phase that was already going on when this moment eclipsed it, it may seem like an eternity before the flow of words that we all live for returns… no worries, however, tomorrow never knows and poof can happen at any moment, after all, so it's always wise to be prepared for it…

hopefully i won't go poof anytime soon…

there will probably, as usual, be entries, most likely composed of comments and other assorted babbling from here or there or somewhere cuz i am the babbling never actually pauses for more than a few moments and the flood that finds it's way online even as a trickle every few hours, popping up to fill in the dates that have passed recently… just in case you have the time i lack to read (oh, how i miss the early retirement days of the nineties when i had time to read and write and play and live and love life without any work obligations of distractions for twenty-four hours a day)… i mean, i know there are people out there who are enjoying leisure time like i used to and if you are one, well, i am available for adoption…

so much amusement, so little time…

so it's still the same old story in spite of the time passing, which is why the lyrics to that old song made so much sense, ya know… the door is open for love and fun and friends and a really hot lover and libido fantasies and most especially for the one… even if i am not advertising or looking or even ready with time and physical presence to be there at the moment… most of life is bullshit, after all… happy people learn to enjoy it somehow and appreciate the few precious genuine moments of honesty and meaning when they happen by… really lucky people are also wise enough to create a few of those precious moments, but then, ironically, that is new age philosophy and evolutionary enlightenment (and therein, bullshit) to most of the human race these days…

ah, the stars smile during the day and twinkle at night…

ok, so trying to work from home doesn't work too well… the big green chair is too relaxing to do the mouse-keyboard work that spreadsheets and databases require (since I don't know enough keyboard commands to do everything by keyboard… and they there's the adaptation to the laptop keyboard every time cuz it's set up differently than the desktop keyboard)… ultimately, i would need a desk and chair at home if i really wanted to work at home (which i don't apparently… which adds to the realization that i do not really live here and do no really want to be in this messy cluttered dirty space that has no ergonomics for much of anything (not even sleeping at the moment)… even the big green chair is starting to show signs of age as the mechanism is not as strong and stable as it used to be… alas, home is where the heart is, so i'm still home inside and everywhere, but not in any specific person, place, or thing…

this week saw another step back toward the healthier paths i used to live on… more salads, fewer candies and heavy starches and sugars and fats… i didn't run or get to the gym, i did a little workout during softball night, thought the game was rained out… apathy still rules the body, but the mind still looks in the direction of recovering my former physical self… nobody actually cares except me in the physical world, which doesn't help, but then it isn't about anyone else, really… loving self and doing what is right for self, even though it can be shared, is a solitary path… i know that well… no matter how much i dream of sharing it…

i intend to get to sleep early tonight so i can wake about 3am and head into work early cuz there's a few days work to do before a two o'clock meeting... life is so exciting (sarcasm)... these busy mostly work times would be so much more rewarding if there was some real sharing going on in the intimate world, instead of just working to make money to give to those around me who aren't really sharing, but just continue taking... but in spite of what i observe or am told, that is the way humans are in this life, at least from my experience so far...

I watched videos last night… X-Men 3, The Last Stand was on cable in between the videos, but mostly the night was a marathon of videos… the videos were The Bourne Ultimatum cuz Raspy never saw it… then The Number 23 and then Live Free or Die Hard and then Stardust… much fun was enjoyed by the synapses in this head that shares words with you, especially cuz it was such a roller coaster of sensory stuff and strangeness… i enjoy strangeness in the stimulus that enters this head… and wouldn't you know, Stardust was the perfect last video to send me off to la la land with sweet dreams of true love and the wonderful lives that can come when such magic is actualized in the physical reality of our world (or any world) and best of all, shared…

and come to think of it, i did pop three or four entries into other blogs this week, a couple of videos and a rhyme and even a bit of babble btc… i mean, just in case your thought i was just blowing smoke when i reminded us that the babbling and flow of attempted and potential sharing continues even when i may be as gone as i seem at these moments… i don't know if that would change at all if someone actually shared everything with me in this life, something would change, i think, but probably not the relatively constant flow of attempted and potential sharing cuz, after all, that is part of the magic of this life…

and for posterity and anyone who just showed up here for the first time, i may have gotten a bit more real-me than usual in the past few entries, amidst the babble, but then, that is just my opinion and nobody shares enough in the real-me world to confirm this at the moment… still, it may be there, in case you want to know…

and for the few of you who stop by here regularly for an update on the mundane details of daily life because you care about me, today was a lazy day (except for laundry, which started during the videos last night)… the TV offered NFL playoffs, as it usually does at the time of year… the roomies did their usual thing… and that's life in this world at this end of the internet line today… i thank you for stopping by, if you did/do, while i am in this mostly-away and not-uploading time and even more, i love you for leaving a few words to let me know my words mattered enough to you to inspire a response from you… or at least you care about me… that feels very good inside, where i live… i hope my appreciation feels good to you too…

joy to the world :)

and now, a message from ego

or… a blog entry that actually isn't all about me…

maybe

and then, when actually seeking internet attention and a readership, audience, and all that (we can't all be as amazing as fin, after all… or hissy, for that matter… or even dangerspouse and the other fine amazing upstanding citizens of this odd world, providing they are still there), one must consider the nature of the net and the needs of the people out there…

so what do you needs, people? :)

of course, asking the questions in all sincerity might demonstrate all sincerity, but accomplish little more if nobody is actually reading, so it is probably not the best method of developing a readership when just starting out, though it may be very effective in increasing reader satisfaction after accumulating a large audience… not that i have any such desire, at least not professed, at least not professed recently, or in the past couple of entries, at least…

oh let's face it, i am not out here babbling merely for the cheap thrill of expressing myself (though that euphoric pleasure is rather splendid in and of itself, still, i can obtain such wonders of the emotional flesh without the net, after all), i am seeking feedback, response, reaction, applause, cheers, rousing hoots and hoorays, bravos and gasps, even… awe and worship would be nice too, if you've got any to spare, i mean, i know god has most of that wrapped up, but come on, greed is a sin, after all, so don't make it seem as though god is greedy, spread your worship around all over, that way you respect god… you can start right here…

and then, just as our hero was about to get his heart's desire, the internet ended (sudden black screen)…

ok, so it didn't actually end, there was just a short circuit or something in a server in Cleveland, or Pioria, or somewhere in the Midwest, which should probably be called the mid-east, geographically, but then, nobody's perfect, and when they finally found the cause of the signal interruption, which was a small cockroach who was inadvertently fried while trying to hack into the main pipe of the eastern hub of the usa internet superhighway because, after all, cockroaches want to blog too, it took them several hours to clean up the mess, allowing a few minutes for the memorial ceremony as the cockroach had a large family, before the internet returned and our hero could continue along his merry way…

unfortunately, by then, being a child of television with a ten second attention span, he had completely forgotten what it was he was about to get and moved along to youtube videos, which serve as amusing distractions from life, the universe, and everything and occasionally, inspirations for something meaningful when he can remember what it was…

speaking of youtube, or not…

look out youtube, here comes a a new video blog site… yes, BLIP.TV is your alternative to youtube… not that youtube needs an alternative, but then, maybe you do… or i do… or somebody does… in any case, the blip channel appears to be, at first glance, a bit more polished than youtube… it's almost like the news… of course watching three blips does not give me any authoritative opinion on the new site, after all, pre-judging anything could leave one mortified or something, but i just thought i'd mention it for when we had the time to explore…

it's loud, that's for sure…

in other news, some of you might know, or have noticed, or have heard of, or perhaps could care less about smash who resides over at diaryland, which might be called my former home as we approach the one year anniversary of my pausing there for a moment, but be that as it may be or not to be (am i becoming too repetitive or cliché?... come on, you can tell me, i can take it… you are still out there, aren'tcha?), the following comment was inspired moments ago over at his place:

using big words with concurrent consecutive consonants confuses me...

catarrh, hummph

meanwhile, dandy and cunt so do not go together, which is one of the many things that makes your entries so much fun (or is that morbid humor?... perhaps we can just agree on dangerous?) to read... especially at work... one must always be looking over one's shoulder to see if anyone is glancing over at what is being laughed at as one wonders if one should actually be laughing... not me, of course, but certainly one...

what time is it?...

am i reading you daily again?...

can there be political humor in here?...

these and other questions may or may not be answered in the next installment of, the soap that ended suddenly without really ending at all, so no wonder nobody felt clean...

people care, you know?

meanwhile, from the files of other random asides and wanky guilt trips, i am considering starting another new daily-ish webpage (diary, blog, journal, boobtube, blip, whatever) since my history has demonstracted (occasionally demonstrated too) quite effectively that moving on to new daily babblespots consistently loses the attention of any audience (friends?) i might attract during my year or two at any given address... also, perhaps i might perfect the abstract art of actually maintaining an attention span for more than ten seconds and therein provide readers with something worth returning for more to read for with...

somehow, i think the prepositions tripped me up there, but certainty is an elusive mongrel...

yes, so, in any case, anyway, whatever, meanwhile, hello :)

and oh yes, thank you :)

.
.
.

no offense to dandy or anyone was intended in the making of this poo for we love her, yes we love her, and we definitely do not say so enough, so we take this opportunity to say so more than enough for polite society, but then, we're buried here in smash's diary comments and there's little polite or society about it, now is there?...

but we be cultured, dammit!

you've been missed, really you have, just like these scenes from old movies i've failed to mention in passing, but allude to now as if somehow they've been referenced so subtly that no one ever noticed...

playing those mind games, forever...

and you know that, for sure...

gotta let it go now...

see ya.

(brief pause, followed immediately by a follow up comment)

wait, i left out the r in hurmmph, can i get a do-over?

ptp
(protruding tongue productions)

it is altogether possible that hrrmmpph might have made my point a bit better, but then, none of the spellings seem just right at the moment, so hrmph to the folly of language and then, hope you are enjoying yourself anyway…

please note that the reference to dandy, who is one of my internet heroes, or heroines, or something like that, who truly does not have time to be online nearly as much as so many of us might like and is missed, if only in fantasy, every moment she is gone, was made by smash, as usual, because he's the one with the potty mouth and not me, cuz i'm a good boy, yes i am, and i'd never even consider stooping so low as to subtly starting any sort of drama or war or anything just to attract some attention, not me, i'm too lofty and phlegmatic for that…

blip…

blip…

blip…

well, it looks like there's nothing else on the radar for the moment, or more factually, the time for babbling has run out for this morning, so it is that sad moment when i must bid you all a fine adieu and take my imagination and hopes for friends and dreams of falling in love and winning lottery numbers elswehere, even if you're not here to read this adieu at the moment, or haven't been for years, mind you, we all have busy lives and so much socialization that we really don't need any internet supplements, but thanks for trying and better lick next time… luck has nothing to do with it, except a lot…

i have the patent pending copyright on protruding tongue productions, by the way… protruding proboscis productions as well… speaking of which, i am heading over to the loo to pp now, no poo, i think, but just though you wouldn't want to know so i told you anyway… may you be amused, or at least not have too much gas…

the audience i might keep has to earn it, ya know?...

always this late

and it's always this late
as the clock strikes 4
that the world falls asleep
leaves me wanting more
and it's always this way
even when I was in love
I am living the dreams
everyone else dreams of

on a higher plane
deep inside my brain
there's a light that shines
when the day resigns
when a spirit calls
just like waterfalls
something else must rise
when you close your eyes

you can find your way to live your sweetest dreams
or you can fall asleep and know not what it means
to reach the higher plane found deep inside
that connects to the infinite outside
a power far beyond this earthly ride
that creates life and makes stars collide
whatever you call it this is true
it begins and ends inside of you

and it's always this late
as the clock strikes for
those who's words get too deep
and we're left wanting more
and it's always this way
and we're always alone
wondering if we will
always be on our own

on a higher plane
deep inside the brain
where the waking light
brings us second sight
and a spirit's call
says to give it all
beyond space and time
come inside this rhyme

we can find our way to live our sweetest dreams
or we can fall asleep and know not what it means
to reach the higher plane found deep inside
that connects to the infinite outside
a power far beyond this earthly ride
that creates life and makes stars collide
whatever we call it this is true
it begins and ends inside of you
and you and you and you
and me too

and this is what i do too (two)…

the previous entry may be one that ought to be listed on the side bar as entries of note or some such highlighting if and when i ever do such highlighting of specific entries because it does attempt to clarify the written me more deeply than most entries ever come near, even if it did not succeed (but then, is there ever complete success in communication or clarity?... another subject for another post, no doubt) cuz i would like to be known by someone and the free form random access babbling maze i create in my written world may not be the easiest path to navigate for the one or few who actually do want to know me as completely as two can know each other so i suppose i ought to consider taking the time to read through everything i've ever written and select some specific things to highlight in order to provide some path that has some reasonable chance of success without spending years studying the maze…

ok, maybe tomorrow…

for today I refer you to the previous entry and comments for the precursor, inspiration, part one of this entry (most especially the comments, because i think and hope your words helped me clarify a thing or to, but then, clarity is in the mind of the beholder, so that's up to you and, ultimately, how often do we have the patience or the time to work through the confusions and misunderstandings and cloudiness of communication to achieve truly shared clarity and, in the end, as much as it can enhance everything, it is not necessary for the trust necessary for sharing as trust based in blind faith is just as real an illusion as trust based in truly shared clarity of empirical thought, ya know… or something like that), which seeks to reach for more clarity in the ultimate introduction and definition of the being called me, writer of these and other rambles, for anyone who cares and has time to really wanna now…

words are such amusing things, to me at least… i hope you find the laughter in the words and between the lines, for most of the time there is more laughter than would be considered polite in normal human company and civilized affairs, but then, this is my world of words and there is no striving to be normal (though there may still be a tad of effort to explore and understand what being human is about still lingering after many hundreds of entries even as much of my mind is pondering elsewhere and considering another concept or reason to write {blog} all over again {as if concept is needed, so maybe a return to the freeform btc is on the horizon}, but that's beside the point) anywhere in my world (except when trying to imitate the style as i do from time to time in my rhymes and occasionally in prose), so mostly i don't mention it or apologize for it cuz no harm is intended and most of the time it blows right past without being noticed no matter how much i might hope it is found and appreciated for what it is…

this is what i do… i write to continue sharing when no one is around and for me because i love sharing and want to share more than others around me do… in fact, the writing shares more than anyone ever did cuz no one in my experience has ever opened up to me as much as i open up and sharing is based on mutual opening up and the lowest common opening-up is the most sharing that can be in any given shared experience… it's all very scientific and mathematical, like everything else, if you really want to figure it out… but that's not necessary, even though it is much fun for minds like mine…

in case you are following any of this, or even want to, the following thoughts were inspired by the comments to the previous entry (which might make the following thoughts make more sense so you really ought to read them if you want to reach for more clarity and understanding and sharing and so on) and i share them here for posterity and anyone who did not read the previous entry and comments cuz that includes almost the entire universe and, after all is said and done, the ultimate sharing is communicating clearly with the entire universe… and for me in particular, ultimate sharing would be sharing the ultimate sharing w intimately with one who can and wants to and will and does each moment everywhere… of course i am being redundant, but then, such is the path to clarity…

thanks to you who inspired me and now, this:

after writing, whether it's purging or creating or whatever it may be, i feel wonderful... it's the expression of the experience and emotion that usually thrills me and at the very least, amuses me... i suppose my laughter does not always come through in the words, but it's rare that it isn't happening as i write... this entry (now it would be the previous entry) especially tickled me because it's so true for me personally in so many ways...

and strange as i may be, the closer i get to myself inside, the more intimately and deeply and honestly and focused i am in my communication within myself, the more euphoric and less lonely i feel (even though i am writing alone)… the feeling is beyond expression except to say one with everything or some such philosophical experience… it's really wonderful, it is…

as for intro-extro verts, i am wide open and eager to share with anyone in the world around me, too much so for most adults… i think everybody is introverted compared to me when i share… maybe it is not for me to judge… i feel fear walls around everyone in this world, kind of like an aura, i suppose… a barrier of relatively silent energy (though it screams out at me sometimes, only not in ways that ears can hear) that keeps conscious awareness (or at least the mutual acknowledgment of it) from getting too real, intense, serious, deep, heavy, much, time-consuming, intimate, or whatever word might fit there…

while it may seem, even to me sometimes, that i take refuge in words, it's more the thing i do when no one is around and i want to keep sharing… writing is my imaginary sharing, my solitary sharing, my infinite eternal sharing… cuz to do other sharing requires someone else with whom to share and there is not always someone else around 24/7 and i want to share more than i have people around to share and so i ramble on like this until i fall asleep, get distracted, or someone comes along to share…

meanwhile, by irony, coincidence, synchronicity, divine intervention, or whatever, i watched The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy a couple of times after writing this entry (which may be the previous entry if this comment becomes the next entry as it seems to be doing without intending to)… Douglas Adams is one of my favorite minds… so much of what he wrote makes so much more sense to me than most of the serious philosophies humans live by… reading him, Heinlein, Bach, Gaimen, and some others who write in a sort of philosophical science fiction fantasy type way that opens the door to widely alternative perspectives comforts me and reassures me that the thoughts and perspectives in my head are not so unique and the normal human disorganized mess and farting and TV people droning on and on in the background are not the only way to be…

one of my not too normal thoughts is that people can actually be honest and open with each other and still live in peace… i would love to live with people close to my in the physical world who share the love of words and desire to share and perspective that honesty is the best way to share and truly believe, as i do, in honest love so there's nothing to hide… i suppose most grown-ups would consider it a childish perspective, but that's me and it's real and it works for me…

of course that's probably why so few grown-ups come close to share the way i do…

but given the choice between sharing with someone or sitting alone writing, i'll almost always choose sharing with someone… the writing comes after everyone stops sharing for whatever reason, usually they go to sleep… which is why one of my more frequent theme song lines when i come to write is will no one stay awake with me?... i just want more sharing and come back to share in this way when there's nobody left awake…

this way i can keep sharing and having fun with thoughts and emotions and life experiences even when everybody's gone…

see? :)

well, there's always hope :)

and this is what i do

write, that is… i talk to myself on paper, so to speak… i send out these little bubbles of thoughts in words… hoping… imagining… giggling… pretending that all these words are the long and winding road that will lead to my door when someone actually wants to find me, to share, to sleep, the wake, to live, perchance to dream… but who can find me… can you imagine piling every word i have ever written up, one on top of each other and filling an ocean that would cover the top word?... did you know that in the flesh i am buried somewhere deeper than that?...

so i live with people who kind of care, especially when they need something, but they don't see me when i am standing in front of them and they don't hear me when i ask for what matters most to me and they don't care that their habits bring me down and enable my own self-defeatist and even when gifts are exchanged at holidays or birthdays or returning from trips or the normal human gift giving moments, i am not included… maybe i was once or twice, but i do not remember at time… still, i give expensive birthday dinners and three figure gifts and four figure loans that usually turn into gifts because they remain loans forever… and beyond home, i have no one else in my personal world outside of a few work people who i visit now and then when they have a party… and i see relative strangers at meetups, but then, who is not a relative stranger to me…

so this is what i do…

to keep in touch with myself, to remain able to feel intimacy, to continue to dig into myself just in case anyone ever really wants to know (and yes, i mean in the immediate physical world… most of the time i believe you really want to know, but then, i also know that is my illusion as well, for as much as we care, we are not reading and digging into every word, image, or whatever we post and asking for the depths behind it… who has the time… and long distance, depths must be at least partly illusion, at least from my experience, which has been quite amazingly deep, actually, maybe unbelievably so… i suppose closing this parentheses would be the thing to do now)… i leave myself and my world wide open… i tell people that i write a lot and much of it can be found on the web…

nobody in eye contact reads my words… that's one reason you matter a lot to me… because you loved into my eyes and still come around to read me a lot… if only you were the one, aye?... i know, you invited me to come live with you in SD and even proposed, but as much as i love you, you're just not my type… too hairy and you bulge in the wrong places… but no regrets, we'll always have space…

i really was trying to be serious here tonight… and probably was even when i burst out laughing… truth can do that, i suppose… part of the learning to be human trip, maybe… so much uncertainty, but then, deep down beneath the façade of silliness and irreverence and hopelessly hopeful romanticness, so little doubt… no doubt, probably, if i dared accept that anything can be such a superlative or absolute… being a relativist is not always conducive to every perspective i explore, even when it might be the one that is closest to the collective real… but then, that's probably just the failsafe that keeps ego from taking over talking…

most of the time i wonder if am i the only one amused… not that nobody else is amused, but i mean am i the only one who truly gets it, me, the big picture, the whole enchilada, the infinite eternity of the thought-feeling thing i am expressing at any given moment… but especially sometimes when i am touching core stuff… this may be one of those times, or close, but fleeting moments of absolute lucidity alternating with the utter chaos of random rationalizations and abstract distractions leaves little room for certainty, no doubt…

cha… ha even…

so this is what i do… after attempting one more time to interact with other humans… after hoping out hope for the one (always on my mind)… after bouncing around exchanging happy words and playing games and talking with people… hoping one would actually become a friend as i have known friends… after pushing the body to one more social experience at the expense of sleep… i smile and wave bye bye like everybody else (well, ok, so maybe i don't wave bye bye like everybody else… most people don't wave bye bye much anymore… but that's not the point) and drive off toward this place where i sleep… and sometimes i turn on the tv and find vegetative amusement to distract me… and often i reach for food cuz i've eaten little throughout the day and that tastes so good… and sometimes i sit down here to write whatever comes into (or out of) my head… ok, so maybe more than sometimes… and i hope… and i dream… and i write words that help me keep believing in me and my dreams… cuz what else is there to do?... i tried giving up, it sucks…

for the record, this post would have had at least twenty more tags or labels or whatever we call them if blogspot did not have a limit of 20... but that's an aside added after the fact slipped in here just to let you know because it mattered to me... and now, back to our regularly unscheduled rambling...

so alone in this world… so isolated deep down… is this the experience for everyone?... are the bondings and sharings and intimacies and communications i observe others having truly so superficial that they remain this alone and isolated deep down?... i hope not… but if they are, is there really some satisfactory sense of satisfaction that quells the desire to share deep down in the sharing they do?... i'd like to believe they do share deep down, that it is possible for humans, and that it will happen to me… even when i wonder if it ever did (the tornado of wondering if every intensely intimate moment i've known and shared – or at least believed i shared – was actually just an act someone put on to get something from me is a powerful wind of uncertainty, ya know?)… there is still no doubt in my blind faith belief that anything is possible, so my dream is possible…

logic, ya know?... and this is what i do… to remind myself… to prove i am alive… to never give up, never surrender… to infinity and beyond… to quote cult classic movies that are so silly and sentimental that i cry and laugh at the movie and myself all at once… and love every minute of it, except for the moment i lament about one more moment of a finite life going by not sharing the experience… alas, and sigh, and all the kings horses and all the kings men, and four and twenty blackbirds, and i love her, so, even, and the the square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum of the squares of the two opposing sides, and you can't jelly a cock into anything, then, and then, slowly i turn at niagara falls, and this is what i do…

random access distractions presented by the river of associations and references flowing through my candy-coated thought stream… maybe it doesn't actually have banks… but i still just want to love someone and be loved back, thanks… after all… and the wheel in my mind keeps on turning… where it stops, only the one knows… and anyone else who wants to share the time it might take to find out… in one way or another, in one space and time or another, we are all on the road to find out, the long and winding road… even if we don't know it… even if we don't think so… it's happening whether we want it to or not… and i am here to record it in my own particular way… cuz this is what i do… and this too (cuz rhymes are full of glee)...

so what do you do, really? :)

Dell again, and in the end, a thought

if Dell bores you, don't miss the thought at the end... unless you want to, then do... meanwhile, back at The Dell Experience Ride...

some of you might recall that a while back I was experiencing The Dell Experience (and the return trip too)... well, being not too interested in the bureaucratic corporate bull (or politics or religion, for that matter), i dropping the whole thing for a week or two… but the merchandise Dell promised to have IPS pick up remains here and tonight i decided to revisit the Dell Experience again and discovered that Dell charged my credit card… so i wrote this on their website… i had to edit it several times because they have a ban on words like lawsuit and attorney… wonder how lawyer got through… anyway, have fun:

Back on 11/28 I wrote about my Dell experience.

Since then I've received more than a dozen emails from Dell representatives, Dell managers, and one "Dell Service Expert". I've spoken to Dell representatives a few times. I've been offered an 8% discount on a new laptop that would be 25% more than I the laptop I initially ordered, the laptop Dell claimed to have lost.

Each email and voice apologized for Dell's mix up and promised resolution.

I not only still have the unwanted merchandise in my home, but Dell charged me for it. Every Dell contact promised to send UPS to pick up the package. UPS has no record of showing up at my door. Every Dell contact promised I would not be charged.

Dell lied.

So not only did Dell not resolve Dell's admitted error as Dell promised. Dell, after telling me I would not be charged in writing and on the phone, has taken money from my credit card account.

That may be theft, or fraud. I will let a lawyer decide.

What Dell is proving in writing is that Dell misrepresents itself.

While waiting for Dell to follow through on their word, I explored the web to see if I could find some management at Dell that would want to know about my Dell experience. I found many websites discussing Dell's downward spiral in 2007 due to faltering sales, misrepresentation, questionable accounting practices, and unsatisfactory customer service.

The New York AG has Dell in court over inappropriate business practices. Dell might find itself in court in other states as well.

All I wanted was the laptop Dell acknowledged I ordered in the email they sent me.

When they "lost" it and offered me another at hundreds of dollars more, they still sent the peripherals that were part of that "lost" order. When I followed the Dell refund policy, notifying Dell within one week that I did not want the product because they did not send the laptop, Dell assured me that the package would be picked up and I would not be charged.

Dell lied, in writing, more than a dozen times.

I am left with no recourse than the contact my bank and file a fraud charge against Dell in order to get Dell to return to money they took behind my back while telling me to my face that they would not take the money.

I did not bad mouth Dell in the past seven weeks since my last post. I did not complain or post another post here since then. I responded politely to every email they sent to me asking for the same thing, the laptop I ordered or an equivalent and a return of the merchandise. I waited, in good faith, for Dell to follow through on their written words in more than a dozen emails and several phone calls.

What I got was a charge on my credit card.

Dell appears to be a company that is self-destructing. Ignoring a customer that is patient and polite in the face of lies and questionable sales practices is not a formula for a growing company.

More than a dozen different Dell representatives, each saying the same thing in email, none following through. I will forward every Dell email back to Dell in the hope that someone at Dell sees the ridiculous lack of communication they are demonstrating. Perhaps someone will respond with something more than empty promises and lies.

Good luck in 2008, Dell. Maybe there's still a chance the company will get it's act together before other lawyers call you out for not following through on your words. I hope I do not have to sue Dell to get my money back.

For now, because Dell ignored me for so long, I've switched to HP and other companies at home and at work.

boring as boring, huh?... well, it proves i am alive, anyway… but wait, there's more... Dell deleted the post above... someone at Dell obviously read it, because i received an email stating there was something in it that violated their rules... they did not, however, address the content of the post or offer to resolve their mistakes.... so i went back to the site and posted this:

I apparently violated a rule by mentioning Dell's problems in New York State and with other agencies, which are public record, so they deleted my post. I wonder, since someone from Dell must have read the post in order to email me telling me there was something in the post that violated the rules, why no one contacted me to resolve the fact that they did not keep their word.

Dell has demonstrated to me through more than a dozen emails that the company can not be trusted to do what they say they are going to do. Nothing is resolved from my 11/28 post here, despite more than a dozen emails and several phone calls stating Dell will resolve the problem.

An error in billing is understandable. But I do not see an error when more than a dozen Dell representatives stated I would not be billed and that merchandise would be picked up and several weeks later Dell billed me anyway and did not follow through on the pick up. That is beyond an error, that is many errors, too many to be considered coincidence in my mind.

Suggesting I trust Dell again is like suggesting the chickens are safe with the fox guarding the henhouse. Not sensible or logical. Dell can keep their word and resolve the mistake they made, instead of compounding it. Until then, I will not give them more rope.

As for unhappy. I am disappointed. I am very happy, however, after years as a Dell customer at home and at corporate, with my non-Dell products.

This was Dell's choice.

I returned here because I got an email notifying me of a response to my post, a post that was seeking assistance from Dell by following the instructions I received in email that suggested I post on this forum. I decided to update the original post because there were more issues to resolve since then.

My profession is performance improvement and quality control. I enjoy my work. My nature is to try to fix things and help others do better. So I responded in an attempt to help Dell. Hiding from the truth is not good business. Fixing the problems that are becoming unpleasant news items is good business. You can delete a post from a message board. You can not delete the bad press anyone can find at any search engine.

Ironically, I only found what I found because Dell did not resolve the problem they said they would resolve and I searched the web for ways to contact Dell corporate to explain the problem and see if someone at the corporate level might not want to fix what seems to be a systemic break down of service in the company.

What I found surprised me, so I researched further.

After finding out that my Dell experience was not nearly an isolated case, I brought the matter here in the hope that it might reach Dell corporate and trigger a root cause analysis from their PI department. I can't imagine why Dell would not want to do a better job of servicing customers in sales, customer service, and shipping, at least.

Hopefully the posts Dell deletes here on the board are reviewed by Dell management. If not, I don't see anything getting better or reason to switch back to Dell products.

As you and I well know, I'll get my money back. That wasn't the point. I was trying to help Dell stop losing customers. As for my mood, no worries. It's not my company, after all.

meanwhile, imagine a feudal state in which the religious leader is king, or in bed with the king, and your every thought or action is determined by your government… imagine a country that condemns you because you walk differently, or talk differently, or worship your god or God differently than the king or president wants you to… imagine a place where you are given a choice, convert or die… the Spanish Inquisition?... Nazi Germany?... The Deep South of 1950?... the USA of 2012?...

because any nation, even one so conceived in liberty and justice for all, that allows itself to be dominated by one specific and mutually exclusive religious doctrine, destroys itself because it opens the door to oppression and state sponsored elimination of the different thinkers and that, in anyone's name, is not liberty and justice for all...

if anyone is interested in maintaining the freedom of religion and separation of church and government that is essential for liberty, justice for all, and human enlightenment, your congress-person needs to know what you think… just a thought?...

have fun out there :)

time in a bubble

if i could save time in a bubble
the first thing that i'd like to do
is to save every breathe you take in my life
and return every one back to you

if i had a sack full of wishes
and dreams that would never come true
to find any of yours buried in there would be
the last thing that i'd want to do

so i hope to find just enough time to laugh and play
and dream that i might find you
i've been around enough to know that you are
someone i want to give time to

and bubbles too

i just called to say i love her.. yes i do, so there, i am a fan, and happy with it… of course i'd love to love her in person and be a friend and travel with her and learn and experience and teach and grow with her too… who knows, we might even fall in love… or not… but there's a friend in there, i feel it… one more friend who may never know the reality of sharing consciously, but still, the world is a better place…

meanwhile, i should so be asleep, valley girl style… twenty four hours at work in the past two days and last night was a late night football cuz as we all know, Raspy bleeds Ohio State colors and tonight was a night out for trivia thanks to Curtis and the film meetup group so sleep would be ultra wise, uber even… massively fatigued, i be… but fun having, am i… playing with words and life loving so gleefully… just to know such a spirit exists and plays out there inspires me to play right in here…

and to think that just yesterday i wrote:

ignorance is not bliss,
it is confusion portrayed as something amazing or profound
wow, aye?... or rather, wow, huh?... yeah, big difference, if you know what i mean… but now, a billion light years later, everything is beautiful in it's own way and i make funny faces on mudpies in the puddles of life… cuz that's more fun than feeling sad about the mess… humans may or may not get their act together before the species becomes extinct, but passing up the chance to enjoy the time here no matter what is going on is about the most foolish waste of time i can imagine… and yet, who doesn't?... at least sometimes… but just because most do it mostly all the time, there's no reason i have to… so there…

thanks dh, for once again inspiring me to come out to play…

and how are your dear people in the land of blogging today?... are you sad?... can i make a funny face or stand on my head to help you smile?... and if you need no help, yay for you and thank you for sending out the joy through your smile… may you find much glee in your wanderings today…

and love life :)

xmas again

so the cleverest of people pass my brightly decorated office with all the holiday cards on the door and love in the air and candy on the desk and garland around and, in most serious of tones, ask:

did you get the memo, ric?
xmas is over

and people laugh and enjoy the humor, me first, especially when i pop back with something like:

you know i don't read memos
or
no, could you read it to me again?
or
is it time for Halloween already?

more laughter, especially from those who recall i only took down the Halloween decorations in order to put up the xmas and various other solstice holiday decorations... and they still come by often to fish through the candy jar on my desk, asking if i have any more of their favorites stashed away just for them, cuz, after all, why can't it be xmas the whole year through? (someday i'll find the rhyme i wrote when hope was so much fuller and dreamier, perhaps lightly influenced by the similarly themed song that is not included in the youtube below)...

i hope you take a moment to breathe, to giggle, to fart, and to dance now and then... and wander off the beaten path when you least expect it because, when all is said and done, that's where the miracles are found (in the giggles too)...

internet socialization

today i was awakened to a request for money and a drive to see a car... we stopped at the bank and i took out some money, then went to the car and i checked it and drove it and found it needed at least a few hundred, possibly more than a thousand dollars work to be safe to drive... so we went looking for another car, but everything was closed...

then we went to dinner, then home where i fell asleep while the tv played football and the Precious came home and woke me by turning on the kitchen light... it's still on a few hours later...

yesterday i pondered the feeling of underappreciation and unintentional disrespect (as you might have noticed in the catchup entries written yesterday) and realize that it is my choice to feel that way and the feeling is more based on foolish self-depreciating thoughts than on external actions... maybe the words about homelessness and the comment they inspired influenced my thoughts that are becoming this entry, though i wish to try to sleep tonight so i will try to keep this brief and stay focused, even though Precious wants to talk and share some new music she just found…

me-time is rare in life these days, which might also influence the feeling i was pondering yesterday that is returning from a different perspective today…

i enjoy giving and sharing… it is one of the best feelings, maybe the best feeling i know in this life… and i am foolish for letting that feeling be in any way diminished by anything anyone else does… the feeling is dependent on no one… unless i become confused and lower my self-esteem and convince myself that my worth is somehow dependant on someone else… which is a stupid choice… so it feels wonderful to remember this and stop choosing the stupid choice…

if only this realization would not falter from time to time, aye?...

and this lead to (or was influenced by) thoughts of internet socializations… the comments we leave each other matter a lot because we give them power, we let each other become real in our lives based on the trust we place in each other's words… and even though there are those who pretend to be what they are not out here on the net, we take a leap of faith and believe in each other… and it feels good, often, wonderful, to find words from each other in comments to our entries…

and in my wonderings, i started wondering why we visit each other and why we leave comments… is it a voyeuristic thing or is it to find out about each other or is it to read our own responses or is it in the hope we might get comments back to our own entries or some of all of that or something else entirely… and then i started wondering why i continue to visit people who never seem to visit me and that answered at least one of my questions for myself… i enjoy reading about people who interest me even if they don't take the time to visit me, even if they don't care about me at all…

and i noticed that for some reason people stay in a specific domain much of the time… people who commented regularly and care about me at my diaryland diary who still write there regularly rarely visit me here even when i visit them and leave them comments cuz i choose to care about them… people who welcome me at myspace whenever i am there rarely visit me here… it happens with other domains too… they seem to want me to visit them and leave comments, but the domain thing seems to keep us apart… and yet, it's as easy as clicking on a link, isn't it?...

that seems weird to me, even a bit amusing and sad at the same time… maybe it's the distance or the superficiality of the internet… maybe it's the comfort of a domain set up… whatever the reason, i list a whole lot of people on the right sidebar because i enjoy their writing and when i have time, i visit and comment regardless of where they call home on the web… and i appreciate you few who continue reading and commenting here…

people who care show it… but we do not have time to show it as much as we might like to, so we learn how not to care as much… we find habits comfortable and fit in some daily visits to people and that becomes a habit and we somehow don't think as much about those we forget to visit daily because they are not in our habit… we may want to care more, but time and offline distractions get in the way of follow through on the caring as a verb…

so should we take that as not appreciating us or as disrespect?... i don't think so… i think we, humans in general, depend too much on others for our self-esteem and happiness… that may be a contributing factor to the whole religion thing that shifts personal responsibility from self to others, but that's another side-trip through the thought process that i should not follow at the moment because i did want to sleep tonight and side-tracking leads to the foibles of babbling on and on and not sleeping… so let's just consider that happiness comes from within and we only need what we want…

so if you want to live, you need food, shelter, warmth… if you want to love and be loved by others, you need others who interact with love… if you want to depend on others to determine your value in your mind, you need to give others that power… and so on…

sure i want you and all the people listed on the right to read my words, respect me, and feel inspired to respond... sure i want you to value my writing... sure i want you to read every entry (especially when i dump a bunch out here at once) as if it is important, thought-provoking, profound, or at least wonderfully amusing...

but if i feel unappreciated or bad about myself when there are no comments or when people do not visit me here, i am being foolish and missing something inside of me... forgetting i love, respect, admire, and appreciate myself diminishes me and you and fogs up everything... i like it when the fog lifts...

i hope you do not give me too much power over you because i prefer to be in this self-sufficient state of mind where it is wonderful to see you and hear from you, but my self-esteem and worth does not depend on you and if i do not visit you for days or weeks or longer, that does not mean you are worth less… i hope we respect each other, but find our personal strength and security and self-esteem inside… then we can share the wonderful feeling of knowing the entries we write and comments and respect we leave each other are of value regardless of responses…

and the responses feel even better because we can enjoy each other without judging ourselves…

and that is the pondering i did today about internet socialization…

how about you? :)

and now, it is yesterday

finally, we come to the catchup entry that is almost in RealTime™ as it is approaching Sunday morning (which might explain the previous entry, perhaps) and this entry is destined to be dated as it is stamped, with the previous entries slipped in for posterity and amusement and sincerity and your edification as you see fit… revealing, no?... in any event, this is what happened since last i left off rambling as if this blog wasn't a vain attempt to relate what is really going on in the physical world in RealTime™ in RealLife™ as if maybe recording the details here will somehow bring the one to find me and fall in love with me and come rushing into my arms because there is no other place in the universe that she would rather be than in the arms of the writer of all these words (and then some)…

so i took time off for the holidays… time off work, i mean… and i mostly sat at home vegetating resting, though still not sleeping in a bed, the word rest is being redefined… surely goodness and mercy will kill me… but fear not, my dear compatriots in madness, there is hope on the horizon, maybe… probably not though, given Precious wants to borrow money to buy a new car and we may be moving in the next couple of months which will require a layout of a couple of thousand dollars in deposits and moving expenses and then there's that laptop she wants and did i mention it is time to pay my bills (including the semi-annual storage bill) again and Minnie is crying out for help again and what?... a couple of thousand for a bed?... not likely…

hey, i got the used 2004 laptop, so i'm not completely neglected…

and then, I watched the ball drop with half an eye as i distracted myself from everything by playing with the computer, from moving all my music and files to the mybook and fixing the iTunes mess that made to playing spades with a computer partner and computer opponents to browsing the web, including the meetups, and even attending a couple to the usual daily physical distractions (eating, bathing, masturbating, etc) to babbling and occasional rhyming a bit here and there (when nobody's looking, of course)…

wednesday i went to the movies with a meetup group and saw Bladerunner… thursday was softball practice and i really ought to sleep more the day before practice, but then, i don't see myself playing too much in games if everyone shows up, but we shall see… when i got home there was Precious, home from two weeks away, so we caught up on her life and times… friday the rabbi slept, i mean, friday i forget exactly what i did… no wait, i worked late and then came home and vegged in front of the tv while babbling and browsing and playing spades and generally relaxing… saturday i cleaned a bit, though leaving Raspy and Precious's stuff where it is means my room and bathroom got cleaned a bit and the rest of the place is more clutter and messy than ever… and then it was off to an extra softball practice and then, to Jackson's to watch an NFL playoff game (Jackson's team won by the skin of their teeth) and i treated everybody to snacks and drinks and pizza because Jackson and her roommate paid last time and will again for their superbowl party… and then it was home where Raspy snores on the couch and Precious wanted to talk a bit about help in getting a car… and finally, Precious went to bed and here we are, catching up on the week that was…

the previous entries may be more informative or amusing or whiney or silly or irreverent or serious or whatever, so be sure to check them out if you don't want to miss a thing (you should sleep though, ya know, even though the song is a favorite and beautiful)… and don't take my recent bout of selfishness and underappreciatedness too much to heart, it's not a comfortable or welcome phase i go through now and then and generally passes for the better like gas and other foul obstructions should… writing it out is like a laxative for the psyche… and you ought to know better than to take my sunday morning sermons too seriously, especially when they are presented on friday nights… even if there aren't actual nyuk nyuks, the laughter abounds and the glee continues amidst the superficial crap, complaints, criticisms, and corruptions i am dumping from the recesses of my mind…

and now that we are mostly just about all caught up (and my mind is apparently blank again), i shall conclude this entry (and catchup session) and move along to another activity, maybe even rhyme a bit or play a game… and perhaps it is important to note that throughout the writing of these entries and night, music plays, chosen by me for me, so everything is beautiful in it's own way and life is wonderful…

may you find such wonderfulness in your night too :)

designing intelligence

and what of evolution, can you honestly say you have any sort of scientific proof that species evolve and change into other species over time?... and what of intelligent design, can you actually say you have any sort of scientific proof that everything was created by some intelligence?... whatever… everybody's got an opinion, ya know?…

in the news in Florida this past week or few, there is much debate (or at least i read an article somewhere) about some public hearings about the school curriculum in this state (which gets an F from at least one respected education system rating source and has been in the bottom 10% of the fifty states for as long as Florida has been a state in this country… in the eighties, it was 49th with only Mississippi beneath it… i believe it moved all the way up to 47th in the last few years… shameful if you are into shame)… the great debate revolves around the science curriculum at the moment, specifically addressing the religion right's thinly disguised attempts to inject creationism into the science curriculum as if god and the who judeo-christian bible story could be scientifically proven like any other scientific theory…

ah, sweet science, so misunderstood… ironically, this attempt at forcing the bible down into the curriculum dressed up as something called intelligent design as if there is legitimate scientific credibility to the story of creation opens the door to closer scrutiny of the science curriculum itself and those with some measure of actual intelligence are raising the question about evolution, specifically, why is evolution not part of the official state science curriculum?...

creationists and those who'd rather placate the religious might point out that evolution is not banned from being taught in school, it just does not get the official stamp of approval as a science or important enough to be for mandatory inclusion in the science curriculum in this state… apparently a hundred and fifty years of scientific study in anthropology, genetics, geology, biology, chemistry, and other respected sciences that support the theory of evolution is not enough evidence to warrant an official mention of the concept… but of course a few years of underhanded misrepresentation of facts that is called intelligent design is worthy of official inclusion in the science curriculum, right?...

obviously some people do not understand the meaning of the word intelligent or intelligence as they certainly make no effort to demonstrate any… but then, why should we expect the word that is part of one of the most obvious oxymorons ever (MI5, anyone?) to be any less oxymoronic in it's latest use?... when will people finally understand that anything based on fear cannot be intelligent because fear dummies down, distorts, and usually destroys everything in it's path… hopefully before we are all destroyed by it…

so here are my momentary thoughts on ID (intelligent design):

so let's say for a moment you take a leap of faith to believe a god-being created everything… when you look around at everything, how in the world can you call that intelligent?...

*mock bow*

ummmm, ok, so i offend more people than i amuse, but then, i amuse myself and in the end, who else really cares?... not those who'd condemn me, for sure… and not those who'd try to change me either… nope, caring is a verb, something we do that is positive and nurturing and supportive and beautiful… caring does not happen in a philosophy that includes fire and brimstone baths for those who do not follow blindly… caring is not telling someone i love you, but you are going to hell… caring has no need or use for the concept of hell… it is the antithesis of love… it is the result of repressing love and substituting fear…

and now, for something completely different (not really), we bring you the odd dance "_blank">of the fruit flies…







i rest my case…

in the material world

so there's the BMG Music service teasing me with their emails and i remember when they (and Columbia house) were good sources of filling in a CD collection and i may be on the verge of starting over and so i travel the internet over to their website and search their catalog for the CDs that mean something to me, the ones i remember from what might be called the one hundred CDs i would want with me if i was deserted on an island somewhere and had the means to play them… and i find that half, more than half, are not available through the music service… blastphoney!... blasphemy! too... so they lure me into considering buying other stuff, like the second hundred or thousand top CDs in the soundtrack of this life as i've known it…

and Precious needs a car desperately… and a laptop… and Minnie is always needing more money, especially now that she's trying to raise her brother's newly turned teenage daughter on her own… so many live hand to mouth around me… and here i am considering dropping six hundred bucks on BMG for about eighty CDs… should i feel guilty?... should i feel irresponsible?... i rarely do what the human guilt trip considers what people should do… i give when my heart tells me to give, which is most of the time, which is why i type on old used computers and drive a small bare-bones 2000 car and wear cheap superstore clothes and leave my stuff in storage and live without a music system or instruments or my libraries or any other expensive stuff i might enjoy…

like a bed, for instance…

i am feeling the give-take imbalance a bit more than i ordinarily do lately… i go through these phases now and then… so i try to be more selfish so i might actually buy something relatively expensive (by common usa lower middle or upper poverty level class standards) i would enjoy… i try not to resent the imbalance, but sometimes in the selfish phases i do not like way people always seem to take from me and give little or nothing to me… even something small that would be a symbol of caring and a tangible reminder that they were actually thinking of me when i wasn't giving them something would be nice, but the people closest to me today are like almost all the other people i've known throughout this life…

i do remember feeling loved and cared for a few times along the way, though it's been more than a decade in the physical world… and those few people remain treasures in my memories… and i continue to feel blessed to have known them, however briefly… even though it was relatively long ago… which is another reason you guys who take the time to leave me messages mean so much to me (shhhh, the cynical cavalier casual aloof ambivalent apathy that so permeates the flippant irreverence of much of my writing will return because, after all, i find it amusing, especially when people take it at face value and judge me accordingly)…

ummmm, thank you :)

a touch of catchup

ah, another night, another night… here we are again in the grand mess of clutter and garbage that is home… of course several unnecessary lights, their bathroom and both bedrooms, have been on for hours while Rasputin slept and Precious was out somewhere… captain laziness here refused to get up out of the big green chair because i am still into bleeding like women, or that guy on the cross, when the whole of humanity does it's best to sap all i can give and all the energy i can muster… ah yes, the world is as it's always been, upside down and spinning round and slowly self-destructing…

meanwhile, in the RealTime™, everybody should get naked and rub all up against each other just for the fun of it, ignoring the sensuality and oozing fluid, because the bliss of innocence overcomes us all…

well, there must be nothing going on in RealTime™ if that's all i can come up with after days away, aye?...

actually, where were we?... yes, the last entry was a classic, just like every entry that preceded it, so there must be a few classic entries coming any moment now to fill in the space-time continuum in this blog thing we all seem to gather round like moths to a popcorn machine… remember the good old days behind the candoor when i'd fill entries with clever phrases like the penis inside the vagina and hot breasted sex babe on fire humping pussy passion in the air like an irresistible invisible spirit came from out of nowhere to make her sweet nude body lose all control in nubile wet shaved crotch undulations just to get the search engine traffic for free?...

yeah, well i don't do that anymore, but it's not like we miss it…

Raspy woke in a foul mood tonight and stormed in and out a couple of times cursing and slamming things around… I'm not sure exactly why, but he's off to work now… i imagine he's feeling the pressure of Precious needing a car to go to school and work and him not having the fundage… neither of them can save a dime, it seems… she worked for several months, forty hours a week or so at a bit above minimum wage, but spent every penny on this and that instead of saving for a car or a laptop that she so desperately wants… i guess she just expects me or Raspy to buy it for her…

she brought back a bunch of gifts for Raspy and her friends from her trip up north… as usual though, it would appear, nothing for me… that's how it is here… lots goes out of my heart and pocket, nothing much comes back… it's not that i expect anything from anyone… i learned from the start in this life that some people, like parents, simply do not celebrate or give gifts… holidays, birthdays, vacations, the usual human gift-giving events came and went in this life and i watched others exchange things and that just wasn't the way in my young experience… maybe that's why shopping is such a cheap thrill (not so cheap though, aye?)… anyway, i learned to throw guilt trips at them to get things as a young child, but soon lost interest in that game as i was never much invested in material stuff and the superficiality of the giving grated on my sensitivities cuz it demonstrated how caring was only actualized when it was manipulated, which isn't really caring…

which is why when i do get something meaningful i hardly know how to show my appreciation because the experience is so rare and i am probably more materially jaded than i let on… yeah, it's not all existentialism, it's also expecting nothing and getting it most of the time… ah, but the life is still an amusing, interesting, and fun experience most of the time…

living in the moment does not mean you must become ignorant of eternity…

meanwhile, at work, they are finally starting to feel my wrath… or at least something is happening as the big boss is asking me for more things and seeing that what i've been saying for a year is actually true, the behavioral health field is moving toward a lot more data driven methods and systems and to keep up, the person crunching the numbers not only needs a good knowledge of statistical analysis, but a computer that can actually do it… so apparently the computer i asked for (a mere 2Gb RAM) is being ordered after several months of sitting on the paperwork… and the printer too… corporate wants reports and i cannot give them all they want without the tools… next step is to get updated database software since Access 2000 is limiting what i can do…

there's a bit of catch up for us, more to follow…

what did you expect on the first day of the year?

i probably ought to dig into why i am not writing as much as i used to, especially not writing the emotions and the dreams, not even the laments of the mostly dead, especially during this down time i took the last couple of weeks, because it is probably due to an undercurrent of blahs and depressions and such where the hope wanes and the belief that life is worth living because dreams will come true diminishes, weakens, fades, and goes kind of numb and when hope wanes and beliefs go numb it's a very sorry way to be (in case you didn't know)…

but then, i have every excuse (or at least many excuses) for not digging as it's late (cuz i waited until now to write and think) and i have to be awake to do some serious report writing tomorrow in just six hours and blah, blah blah blah blah, and the lonelies want to swamp over the mood and mind and nobody is here (not to diminish your value to me because i know you care and that matters a lot to me and you oughta know that well, especially if you've been around a while)…

what it all comes down to… not even meaning to pull up the Alanis song… i have put off the cathartic pity party experience for so long (and that is how to be human, i think, learn to pretend) that i have gotten so good at it (putting it off) that i am conditioned to do what i am doing right now, leave no time for the most important aspect of life (which is not the human way, duh, so how is this helping?) which is the depths of emotion that comes from experiencing life that are generally repressed and diluted by the normal human because it's too sappy or embarrassing or vulnerable or there's just no time or hope for the dream or something like that…

and i think that is why i am so drawn to zoe's rants because they remind me of mine (even though the truth is they are nothing like mine, mostly, because she is the cynical side of me i seldom let out in words in the years of the internet, but long before those who might have received my letters through snail mail {and there were many hundreds of people and many thousands of letters} might remember the mockery i made of the dream as only someone who truly cherished it completely could) which was once part of an attempt to getting real which was part of the overall emotional writings that were part of the first attempts to express and share the method to my madness as portrayed in the written gardens which was the bulk of the home on the web i attempted to build when i first started sharing on the web and believing in the possibility that I might find friends and the one through the internet… and so many links were left out, but all this to lead up to sharing the following rhyme that tries to express to my own heart and any other heart where such understanding might be found that i will not give up, fade away, give into weakness or human frailties even if that means i have no common sense or am clueless by normal human standards cuz there's no better smile for me than the smile i feel when i am true to the dream and admit it (even though the rants and cynicism is fun too)…

so to all of you who still believe in love in spite of the damage done in it's name…

No Clue Required

happy new your
happy new yule
happy new yar
happy new year too

may your dream of love come true
but even if it doesn't, oiy
may you find a sweet distraction
in the arms of a man-boy

someone old enough to love you
someone young enough to share
all the dreams the child inside you
dreams that force you to care

even when you do not want to
when you feel stupid or burnt
in your ranting cynicism
spitting all the bile you've learnt

in the years of trusting assholes
and the nights of finding hope
in true friends and sappy movies
(you are not really a dope)

for maintaining your belief in
true love, romance, and goo
you know what others miss out on
you know what is really true

the bliss of ignorance is faulty
you see through pretentious smiles
compromise is overrated
walk more than 500 miles

to the ends of time and beyond
even when life turns to poo
raging ridicule at dreamers
i will still adore you

so consider this a five minute hug
from just another internet bug
even as you laugh and shrug
you can still enjoy the plug

for you know what makes happiness
as you drop the other shoe
and i remain your devoted fan
even if you tell me to get a clue

for you know what makes life worthwhile
putting love in all you do

(and laughter,
remember laughter)

. . .

yes, you know what makes life worthwhile
putting love in all you do
so i believe in your heart and you
and i do not need a clue.

yes, remember laughter… but most of all, when the walls fall, i wish you love…


yeah, yeah, yeah… yeah…

the bottom line (or close enough, perhaps) is that i lost myself in the waiting and allowed the isolation and self-defeating habits to take hold so long that all the healing and recovery and rebirthing i did back when the last betrayal of the heart befell poor whittle me was all but wasted and to really start living again i must return to the bottom and remember and relive and re-experience and resurrect it all over again to forgive myself for allowing myself to die all over again and then i just might decide it is time to live again and stop the wasting away and pretending and superficial blah blah blah that fools me and you and all the wild horses in the sun so i never really get any writing done (though maybe, just maybe, the truth shows now and then, like in an old Harry Chapin song or Gary Moore, you know, cuz it's hard to find a new love with an old one in your eyes so the final farewell to the one who was the dream must be said before the new one can become the one actualizing the new dream… yes, one must let go of yesterday to truly experience today… isn't that what z always says… of course, my reverence for his mastermind isn't mere mockery, after all)…

isn’t this fun?...

maybe i want to actualize help me rhonda with someone who understands that true love never ends even when it must be transferred from one relationship to another… it could be the best most amazingly powerful profoundly moving tear-jerker ever to be conceived by humankind if i finally get to writing it (but that'll take a partner because it's a partnership story, after all) and though many scoff or even detest such stories, some don't… so maybe this entry makes some sense and maybe it does not and maybe it'll just fade away into the archives like thousands of other entries have done in dozens of other blogs and webspaces i've put out here for the past decade or so, but it was here for a moment and in this moment, it made sense to me…

and yes, it is fun for me… serious fun, with massive amounts of reverence and respect and pensive reasoning… because that is life, the experience of the highs and lows as extreme as they can be… most seem to want to avoid the ride… i look to maximize it and share it with someone who wants the same maximization… extreme sensitivity, that's the ticket… and the fun… and the point… and the bottom line… the energy of the infinite eternity… or eternal infinity… or something like that…

i'll be right here waiting…