memories, fantasies, and strings

when i was a littler kid, i kept an index card file… many thousands of index cards had scribbles of ideas, information, creative spurts, all sorts of things… i kept them in long index card file boxes that cataloged the thoughts, feelings, observations, stuff, facts, and fictions of the life i experienced and the dreams i imagined… those boxes went the way of the comics, baseball cards, paperback books, and other treasures of that early childhood, into the unknown void that the people who called themselves my parents sent everything… from my perspective, that is where those people lived as there was so little depth to their emotion or sharing… in any case, this memory resurfaced today when i was watching something on the science channel and someone mentioned an index card file…

i had lots of boxes of stuff when i was a littler kid... all sorts of stuff that meant something to me because they reminded me of people and ideas and meaning in this life... i even kept strong in those boxes, for whatever reasons and for whatever that means... i wish i could share those boxes with someone now... even more, i wish someone remembered me, who i was, where i've been... it is the ultimate start of sharing today... and all the fantasies start with this one... mostly (he typically smirks as an aside)...

today i use a computer for the same purpose, but it would be fascinating to see what was in that original index card file i created in my earlier youth… that is the joy and attachment i have for stuff, for the material world… the memories and knowledge and learning stuff can contain over time… in these moments today, from a very different perspective, yesterday's stuff can teach me so much… i am saddened that those who had control of me and my stuff when i was young had so little depth, awareness, foresight, and sensitivity… all through this life i have searched for humans that have more of any of those qualities, but seldom find anyone who does… perhaps it is my scale, my perspective, that measures the depth humanity and intensity of relationships that skews my view…

but i believe everyone has the potential for so much more depth and intensity and sensitivity and wonder than they reach for or create in their physical experience or even in their imaginations… i wish i did not find humans so limited, so dull in so many ways, but for better or worse this is what i find from my perspective… and i look out at the world, at humanity, at the universe and planters in space and say with much more hope than i can even express, please prove me wrong… and someday i believe some being will show me that life forms have the potential i sense we all have…

perhaps when we ride the energy of string…

but then, we are a bit of a leap away from understanding the mechanisms, powers, and potentials to be found in subatomic spaces where the linear thinking produced mostly by observable properties of space, time, matter, and energy (and human fears of the unknown and need to perceive/believe some sense of control) dissolves into a universal oneness beyond our words (everything is nothing and nothing is everything), so we muddle along thinking we knows stuff and act on those beliefs no matter how foolish, futile, or even dangerous our actions might be when we allow arrogance and greed (and all human fears) to influence us…

just ask any aboriginal tazmanian person about it…

but long before we come to understand or manipulate what we call the string (theory, i say, theory boy… just pay attention to ol' foghorn leghorn for a moment), we will play with biogenetic manipulations (in life and death) and even as hope for improvements, advances, healings, and positive changes in human life blossom from such scientific knowledge, we may all but wipe out life as we know it with bio-genetic viral weapons in our fear-driven greed and passion to control…

winning is everything, after all, or so most humans believe…

ah, it is ironic i find myself babbling on about this and that like this and that, being that this is supposed to be the RealTime™ (real life) record of life as i experience it… but then, i experience life in many different ways and just because i do not share what is going on in my head nearly as much as i used to does not mean it is not going on… living a superficial life becomes a habit, thinking superficially as well, and it leaves much room for pessimism and despair… no wonder most people are depressed, at least from my perspective… and here i am trying to be human, trying to be like most people…

what kind of fool am i, aye?...

amused by my own foolishness, for one thing… ah, the things i get myself into just to keep boredom at bay or to fill the time between falling in love… you know that is what i am still here for, living this life, i mean… to fall in love again… i've pretty much come and gone on all the other reason to live… oh yeah, i still enjoy the daily helping, and even as i become frustrated at times when my generosity drains me or interferes with things i want to do, the giving, but life is still primarily about the love and first and foremost the intimate fall, the unconditional trusting and sharing that comes with that fall in love…

all this other stuff is just window dressing and amusements to occupy my mind and feed my heart along the way… if you ever felt you know anything about me, this is the most real knowledge about who i am… maybe you understand, maybe you don't… maybe you see optimism or pessimism or hope or futility in my ramblings here and so many other places on the web… maybe you care more or less or not at all (i do believe some of you care, don't go thinking i don't, and i hope you are sure that i appreciate your caring and care about you too)… what you see through your eyes, what the words i put out here mean in your mind, what you feel in your heart is up to you… i hope there is some connection with what i mean… that feels good…

it was all on those index cards once, in a simpler way, in a few words… and strings...

i wonder if anyway remembers…

life at rest

today was a day of rest… after hardly sleeping the past week, travelling to Nashville for business, to Melbourne and Lake Buena Vista for concerts, getting weeks of laundry done, reacting to what i do not like about home-life and facilitating a bit of drama (i actually yelled in anger for the first time in many months, maybe longer, which is an odd experience for me as frustration seldom bubbles into anger in my psyche cuz i seem to instinctively actualize the serenity prayer thing and usually enjoy even the most challenging situations), and fitting in softball and some movies and meetups, today i did almost nothing…

yay for almost nothing …

so i spent the day and evening and now night at home… for as much as i call this physical space of this current living environment home, which is relative… and if you read the previous entry and want the soap opera content to continue, i'll follow up on the interpersonal relationships in this space… maybe it'll help bring more balance, compatibility, peace, and happiness to someone somewhere… maybe even here… there is always hope, after all…

as if there was no friction, no hanging up, no storming out with hateful words, no overstepping of bounds or confrontation of the inconsiderate and disrespectful mess in the physical space, we started talking today about whatever, sports, work, music, life away from the physical space… i don't recall much eye contact… a moment, perhaps… the harsh words were avoided… i said something about the NCAA tournament that was on TV and the conversation began… it seemed welcome… i wonder sometimes if either Raspy or Precious read this blog…

when i got back from the concert last night i found that Raspy actually washed his dishes after cooking last night… usually they would sit on the stove, counter, and/or sink for days or longer… the stovetop was left as splattered as always and the almost invisible layer of grease that covers every surface in the kitchen was ignored, but a definitely change happened… i wonder how much of that was in reaction to my pointing out the mess to Precious or writing about it here and how much was coincidence as i made no direct mention of it to Raspy that i can recall in the past few days… there is no proof of the non-verbal telepathic of physical energy, but it may exist as much as anything else…

sometime during the evening Raspy mentioned he was going to the store to get more diet pepsi and i asked him to get me some soda… i wonder how much this occasional indulgence for me was my way of reaching out and relating to his cola-caffeine and sweet taste addiction and how much was my own self-indulgence out of frustration, self-pity, or fukitol (the latter being my most dominant reaction to this world in recent years, but that is another entry, essay, or probably volumous philosophical epic life story chapter for another time)… in any case, i was semi-conscious when he asked if i wanted Code Red, my usual indulgence when i drink sugar-caffeine drinks (though that has been changing a bit of late too) and i recall saying no and thinking maybe Dr. Pepper or something sweet… my last thought before drifting off was surprise me… i love it when someone surprises me with something i want because i let myself believe they know me and care…

when i woke i had not exactly realized that i nodded off and i asked Raspy how long i was sleeping and he said an hour or couple of hours… he was sitting in the same place in front of the TV and i asked if he went out and he did and told me i fell asleep right after saying no to Code Red and never told him what i wanted, so he guessed and got me Dr. Pepper… he figured he couldn't go wrong cuz Precious drinks it too… irony, telepathy, caring, coincidence, who knows… he also got me some dove unconditional chocolate ice cream, which is one of my favorites… i will choose believe that it suggests that he does pay attention… and cares in his way…

Raspy mentioned that Precious was talking about moving out at the end of the lease, though apparent she expects him to pay her way… i don't know when that conversation started and whether it was accelerated by the confrontation with me about her inconsiderate living choices here, but my first thought was who would ever tolerate her mess and isn't it just like her to expect Raspy to pay for everything… she is working now, after all… and she about maxed out her credit card… but she just doesn't spend anything on either Raspy or me and is dragging her feet about paying back the money she borrowed from me to buy her car… i don't want to keep encouraging her spoiledness, so i am resisting my impulse to call the $600 a gift… i wonder how much she resents me for that…

when Precious returned after spending two nights at her friends, she sat on the arm of the couch that Raspy was sitting on (her stuff was on the seat and floor in front of the couch so she'd have had to clean up to sit next to him)… we all watched a bit of TV, i forget what... they both showered and were preparing to go out to eat and i was not hungry at all so i should not have gone, but Raspy hung out a few moments after Precious went downstairs and i asked where they were going and somehow we all ended up at Macaroni Grill (half my meal sits in the fridge, so i exercised a bit of limit)… so i suppose it is back to the status quo around here, though it would be nice if the slight change in clean up in the kitchen continued… and expanded…

at the moment i should be sleeping as i start a new week and must be up for work in less than six hours, but i am waiting for Raspy to give me back my phone (his work phone does not have long distance and he needed to make a call… he usually uses the phone i got for Precious, but she ignored his calls tonight and hasn't come home yet so he asked to use mine… my phone is my alarm clock and notepad and scheduler, so i need to set it for a new week before i fall asleep… so tomorrow starts a new week and i am starting it on less sleep than i should… this habit is taking years off this life, along with the other habits, eating, lack of exercise, desensitizing to the environment, not creating a home for myself, not singing, not loving, not being me more, la la la… isn't this were we came in?...

hopefully he remembers to give it back to me so i don't have to wake him… i really should be asleep right now (it's after 2am in RealTime™)… so maybe i'll write another entry using the rest of my brain, the parts that don't sleep, the parts that keep me balanced even as the world around me crumbles or destroys itself or wastes away or plays empty songs of discord and careless inconsideration… i wonder where the amusement park of my mind might take me (us… you are still out there, right?)…

at least i had one day of rest… that's a big smile :)

returning home

to the usual... but i found this hope amongst the blogs of note and it suggests i explore blogs of note more often, maybe... so i'll just go on believing that romantic love and family does still exist somewhere out there, even without the biological connection...

i napped about two hours this morning and have a concert tonight, so i probably should have napped this afternoon and i almost did, but i babbled a bit instead... wouldn't want my head to explode,, after all... sleep derivation is not what it used to be though... age and loneliness have powerful effects on the affect of sleep dep...

Jackson Browne was fantastic fun… i wish he would have played all night instead of just three and a half hours… he doesn't use a playlist… he just plays songs at random, sometimes based on what the audience is calling out and sometimes just one he wants to play… it was fun watching him decide which guitar to choose as he was deciding which song to play as he has more than a dozen guitars on stage behind him… i was too wired after the concert to sleep in spite of starting the day in Nashville and flying back late afternoon and driving more than an hour to the concert… i drove home along the coast road instead of the highway and noted several places to stop and eat when i finally have someone to share life again… mostly, there was a happy solitary drive to end a very busy and satisfying day…

the day was business in Nashville… it's a corporation growing in leaps and bounces, from a half dozen psychiatric facilities about seven years ago to more than a hundred today… if i had more education credentials, i might look at a corporate office job with travel and such, but i am too lazy to finish the masters degree (which would be starting over, basically) and i doubt they want to place experience ahead of the paper prestige… the health field is very conscious of the letters that follow a person's name… sadly, that is much more important than competence in most cases in most places…

the hotel was great… i think i am going to do that more often… a few days away is more than a vacation, it's a perspective re-adjustment… it reminds me of how sedentary, complacent, self-destructive, semi-anti-social, tolerant to the point of changing my habits, and fake i've become living here… i think i am gonna start keeping an eye out for airfare bargains… and not necessarily a luxury stay, cuz this trip helped me remember that getting away is much more important than the pampering… hmmm, maybe my next vehicle will be an SUV hybrid that i can sleep in…

so that was thursday… friday was laundry between the occasional nap… and the night had a few moments of high drama… i napped through the movie i was going to see in the evening because i forgot to set my phone alarm and when i woke i could not find my phone to check with the people i was going to meet to see if they were going to do anything after the movie… i became concerned after searching for a half hour and after i found the land line phone and called the phone and did not hear anything… i picked up the land line and found Precious on the other end… apparently she needed my phone to find her phone at her friends house, or something like that… no note, no consideration that i use the phone as an alarm and might have had plans on a Friday night… for some reason she could not call her friend's cell phone on the land line and felt getting her phone back was more important than anything i might have had planned…

so i was not happy, but the drama had just begun… i got really pissed when instead of an apology and thank you, i got a lecture justifying her taking my phone (while i was trying to make a call, no less.. i had to ask her to shut up so i could have a conversation)… when i got off the phone, i pointed out how inconsiderate and selfish her thinking and justifying was (no less while i was trying to talk to someone)… and then i crossed the line (dramatic gasp)… i pointed out that her mess everywhere is they very visible sign of her lack of consideration for others… teenage drama followed as she her response to that was yelling that i made it so she can't live here and she can't even be my friend as she walked out the front door… if i didn't adopt her when she moved down here when she was 13 or so and she was just a roommate with piggish habits, she'd have gotten the boot within a month, but she may actually be so wrapped up in her teenage world that she is oblivious to that in spite of my frequent expressions of distaste and frustration with the mess… i really thought she was less in denial and more aware, but i may be wrong…

when i mentioned it to Raspy when i called him at work to check on whether he heard the NCAA results and had dinner plans (as i do most weekend nights and some weekday nights when he doesn't call me first), he started defending her and telling me she told him it was not that long a time that she was away with my phone and that pissed me off because he was not here are she was lying to him about time and instead of listening, he hung up on me… the apple doesn't fall far from the tree… they both have a problem with admitting they are wrong, but this is the worst it's gotten… the last time i seriously mentioned the mess, he pointed to my napping in the living room and i asked him if that's why they leave a mess and i'd happily never nap in the living room again if that was why they did not clean up behind themselves… interesting how i remember that at this moment… i rarely nap in the living room, and the place is messier than ever… denial, avoidance, and selfishness is not pretty… and taking advantage of my flexible nature seems so easy for people i adopt as family… and they forget so quickly… that is the story of life trying to share with humans and live with as i've known it (and i've known much worse)…

hey, at least i got most of my laundry done… and today i just got back from playing softball, practice, as there's no game this weekend due to the easter thing… two hours of pitching and some hitting… not bad, but sleep dep definitely played a role as i was moving in slow motion… still pitched fine, it's becoming second nature and i don't really need to warm up anymore… i suppose i oughta start working on spins of different sorts…

catching up can be so much fun when there is time and when it feels like someone cares to listen/read and know what's going on in RealTime™ in this life behind the screen… thank you for that, the second part, the part i cannot do by myself… caring feels so good, sharing caring feels even better… i wish everybody did more of it… but enough idle dreaming (must be the Jackson Brown concert and Across the Universe soundtrack influences)…

that's what i did instead of sleeping last night, watching Across the Universe and then all the stuff on the special features disk… yay for those people who made the film… yay for Beatles music… and it's time for the concert, so i hope you have a great night and wonderful weekend and people in your life who know you, respect you, and appreciate you cuz that feels good… even if i wonder if it is ever really real (or permanent), i still have hope it can be… yeah, see, that link that started this entry stays with me and the negativity fades away… i like being me :)

like yourself today… a lot… it makes life much more fun :)

just filling the space with junk mail

i have an announcement... yeah, cuz i had nothing better to do i reconnected with a couple of my email addresses (i have only been using, and checking, one since i moved to this laptop so how long has that been?... like since September of last year... and while many thousands of loyal email fans (read: SPAMmers) await me at various other addresses, the two i did reconnect with brought me just over 2000 pieces of mail, which is pretty good (as in low-spam) for six months... and since i have not been providing you with much in the way of RealTime™ updates of late, we can all take a moment to congratulate mne on my big win... yes, i won... just ask Yahoo and MSN:

Yahoo/Msn Lottery
Incoperation
Baley House, Har Road
Sutton, Greater London SM1 4te
United Kingdom.

Dear Sir/Madam

This is to inform you that you have won a prize money of Five hundred thousand,Great Britain Pound Sterling (£500,000.00) for the month of Feb 2008 Lottery promotion which is organized by YAHOO/MSN LOTTERY INC & WINDOWS LIVE.


YAHOO/MSN & MICROSOFT WINDOWS,collects all the email addresses of the people that are active online, among the millions that subscribed to Yahoo and Hotmail we only select five people every Month as our winners through electronic balloting System without the winner applying, we congratulate you for being one of the people selected.

These are your identification numbers:

Batch number.....................YM 09102XN
Reff number.......................YM35447XN
Winning number...................YM09788

How ever you will have to fill and submit this form to the events manager for verification & direction on how you can claim your winning fund.


1. Full name..............
2. Contact Address........
3. Age....................
4. Telephone Number.......
5. Marital Status.........
6. Sex....................
7. Zip Code...............
8. Occupation.............
9. Company................
10.State:.................
11.Country................
12.Nationality............
14. Reference and Batch number:


(CONTACT EVENTS MANAGER)
Name: Mr.Packer Estrada
Tel: +44 70457 30948
E-mail:
redemptioncenter@hotmail.co.uk


Thank you and Accept my hearty congratulations once again!

Yours faithfully,
Mrs.Gloria Bent
(Yahoo/Msn Lottery Games/Lottery Coordinator

I wonder if Gloria's middle name is Get...

you can ask her yourself at gloriabent@live.com

feel free to send as many thank you emails from me as you wish and by all means ask Gloria to ring me up at 407-325-1482 just as soon as she has the check ready... in fact, tell her she can bring it over herself, in fact, i'll be happy to fly her over first class on the concord if she wants... or we can meet on the Cayman Islands so i can deposit the check in my offshore account...

i would tell her myself, but you know how busy i am...

come to think of it, maybe i should just have smash (who recently updated the soap opera in which i star as twins, that's right, two parts... and you thought i didn't have any talents beyond babbling, aye?) ring up Packer and go over to pick the check up himself in that wonderfully proper british way he has...

in fact, let's do both and all of the above... inundate the good Gloria Bent and ring up the fine Packer Estrada with much gusto as often as you like...

thank you for this public service...

oh, the clean!

yes, a blog entry dedicated to the clean... a long long time ago, i lived with an extreme neat freak, a girl who could not sit down and rest unless the house was spotless and everything was put away where it belonged... clutter made her physically sick... though i helped her ease up enough to enjoy a good party and wake up the next day to clean (immaculately), i loved living with her... i love a clean, uncluttered space... i forget how much i love it sometimes, living here...

staying at the Embassy Suites in Franklin, TN, i enjoyed two nights of clean... sweet clean... hotel living definitely has it's perks... i lived in a hotel a few times in this life for a few months each time... the last time was 2001, just before moving in here, though that was an economy weekly efficiency... still, the clean...

going back to the apartment is gonna be culture shock... maybe i should remind myself that i deserve a clean, considerate roommate cuz i am one... rommates i do not have to clean up after if i want to cook in the kitchen... roommates who do not leave the living room a messy obstacle course... roommates who don't hide empty pepsi bottles between couch cushions and just left out anywhere else because they are either too lazy or too inconsiderate to toss the bottles in the trash... roommates who can afford to buy some furniture and stuff for the house so most everything isn't out of my pocket... i could have a start to a retirement nestegg if i wasn't such a generous softy...

ah, but i shall look around and enjoy and remember the clean, the sweet uncluttered clean, and bask in the memory... i can still close my eyes and watch my world unfold before me...

and while i was away...

I was inspired to write this over at her place and i decided that i would share it here cuz it reflects what's going on in my head and most especially, the first line is for all of you (and so is the summary of RealTime™ that was I was crazy busy this month so far and there’s no let up in sight, but this is still love for you and appreciation and cheers… actually, it's been this year so far, hasn't it?... some time around January (like about the eleventh, perhaps) I seem to have slipped off the daily babble bandwagon and have left gaps between dates like i haven't ever done before… and nothing all that special happened either… the world didn't shake… life goes on as if i'm still babbling daily…

sigh, i'm not as important as ego would like to believe, aye?...

well, anyway, this is for you too:

and i love you all even when i’m not here
did you know there’s a smoke alarm in my left ear?
it never goes off cuz it is always on
and i always hear it but never respond

ah, the joys of rhymes and tinnitus…

one of these days i will recover time
to read all your words and leave more than a rhyme
for now i embrace you wherever you are
(cuz there is just here if you don’t get that far)

stupid is a judgment that weighs a ton
mistakes are solutions that are left undone
just keep enjoying the life as you live
and be part of whatever the moments give

or as Dan Fogelburg said…

love when you can, cry when you feel it
be who you are, that’s a part of the plan
await your arrival, it’s simple survive
someday we’ll all understand…

now that is hope… all, i mean… and ok, so I paraphrased Dan… artistic license #78942, ya know… I could have let ego step in and sing “I await your arrival”, but then, who needs that sort of stone casting pressure after all…

egos are such silly bobos…

I will be in Tennessee this week so text only, no phone (my plan doesn’t have nationwide and I don’t want to pay for roaming)… I was crazy busy this month so far and there’s no let up in sight, but this is still love for you and appreciation and cheers…

my way of the moment: think less, do more, enjoy it all…

and love, always love

and the love

well, my bags are all packed and I've got a couple of hours before the flight… I don't have any reason to take the laptop with me this time as I will just have a couple of hours tonight after checking in about 8PM and I'll grab some dinner and vege to sleep cuz tomorrow they have everything planned for all day and evening (some sort of reception at 5PM and banquet at 7PM) and then Thursday I'm scooting right to the airport in Nashville after the half day seminar and then right from the airport in Orlando to the concert in Melbourne and then home, which may be approaching sunrise Friday morning…

I have an appointment with an ear doctor for Monday, couldn't get one sooner… I definitely have something going on as the ear isn't working too well… maybe it's more than just impacted wax, as I used to get that every few years as a younger child… could be an ear infection, though there's no pain… I'm gonna see if I can see a doc at a walk-in clinic around the corner on my way to the airport… it would not be a good thing to lose hearing in the right ear as I already have tinnitus in the left… all those rock concerts catch up with the poor hair-like things in the ears… the seminar might be a waste of time if I can't hear the speaker… where can i get a crash course in lip reading, nyuk nyuk, eeep…

life has been very busy at work and each evening of late (as the calendar on the right sidebar can show if you're interested in the details of what i do with my time away from work and away from here)… much fun, mostly… still no love interest, sex interest, or closer friend interest, but connections continue to be made (through meetups and softball and other things) and numbers keep getting added to my phone and any moment could change everything in the social life… two softball games a week have tested the leg (left hamstring) and it seems to be healing on time… it's the fifth week of the doctor's ordered "no running for six weeks" (yeah, so I play softball twice a week, right) and i am starting to trot down to first base after hitting the ball and even waved off the pinch runner in the last game and trotted to second (where the team left me, alas, the Sunday team is 0-5, though we finally made it to the six inning this past weekend and scored seven runs, so improvement is noted)… i can feel the twinge, but also feel the healing and it i don't over-do it, the leg should be fine…

writing has been at the lowest ebb it's been since the Toronto years when love and family took all the time and i hardly wrote for months at a time.. words still pop out regularly and as the vigilant know, they find their way on to the web in many ways, but this is the first time i am sitting down to catch up with life in RealTime™ since the last entry… and while there are hundreds of details to fill in, there's just no time to do that just now…

if you had any impulse to, please don't use my telephone number until Friday cuz i don't have nationwide service and do not need the roaming charges… i will be back in Orlando on Friday and hopefully will find time to be here (and in your written worlds too) over the weekend… so i leave you with a big smile on my face about life around here and a sad smile about missing you and hope you find something similar going on around your face, whether that's actually physically or mentally ethereally… i shall be back, here, there, and everywhere, cuz that's what i do… and until then, thank you for the interest, the attention, the affection, and the love…

just for you (mostly)

i suppose that when i get tired of complaining about the messy living space around me (and i want to ignore it) or when i am tired of babbling on about this or that to distract myself from the pieces missing from the puzzle of this life as i know it (or the empty chairs in the conference table of my mind), especially when hopes for the connections and people i'd like to find just don't happen time after time) i appear to have little to say about the RealTime™ so i ramble a bit elsewhere and let the bubbles of thought and emotion out in rhymes and vegetate (especially these days as i am less physically active, in terms of exercise, than i've been in many years and feel atrophied and bloated) in between the mostly sedentary social activities that keep me busy (hopefully not in vain in spite of present results) and few words appear and days go by here…

but i still appreciate you and treasure your words and want you to know… so this one is for you (we'll get back to me and my narcissistic self-indulgent apparently random babble one of these days)… all is as well as it can be given the physical limits and the body appears to be healing (about halfway to being able to run again, i'd estimate, which means maybe by next month sometime)… tell me to eat better (like i might listen to anybody not in my face, or in my face for that matter)… ah yes, humor intact, all is well…

thank you for being out there…

life is a choice

well, whatever you were doing this weekend, i hope it was much fun… you missed the emo dance (though i don't get anywhere near the drama i used to spread all over my emotive introspections in years past (remember the lands of the mostly dead?... not that they have gone completely dead, but they have been very quietly mostly dead for some time now i suppose), but it was cause for celebration from the twelve year old drama queen and the emo-philosopher in me, at least… and you know how my own personal mental peanut gallery loves to mock me and laugh when i get all serious about feelings… well, you do if you've read a while… and maybe you're learned as i mention it now… for the love of the roller coaster i set my imagination free to stretch the illusion as far as it may go…

or something like that…

today was a beautiful day… in fact, it was a great weekend… Friday a guy from one of the film groups joined me at the best Chinese buffet in Orlando and then for a midnight viewing of Pink Floyd's The Wall at the local artsy dinner theatre… Saturday was a relaxing day of rest as i imported music on to the mybook hard drive and watched a video or two and went to Friday's for a midnight dinner… really do not have a healthy eating schedule around here, do we?... today was another softball game and i was able to move around a bit more on the mound, fielding a step or two in both directions and able to turn to first and throw runners out… we lost again, 15-0, and that is probably how it will be most of the time… i went 1 for 1, fly out to left and ground ball up the middle through to center, which is great considering i can't run… the team still can't field, so the other team had it easy… i started pitching more aggressively in the third and was able to get two batters to ground out and struck out another… same in the fourth… three of the four ground outs were to me though… the team definitely needs practice at everything… all in all it was a fun, if pathetic, game…

Rasputin and I went to a buffet for dinner tonight cuz i wanted to get some protein in the body for the leg and i did not eat much protein, if any, yesterday… i spend too much money on eating out and eat too much at buffet meals and writing that is supposed to do something to remind me that i know better, so we'll see if it works… i've gotten good at ignoring my stupidity though… like knowing my dietary habits is keeping more weight on this body than is healthy and keeping my blood pressure up higher than normal and i stubbornly stopped the blood pressure medications and currently do not have a doctor to for the routine check-ups and whatever and i'm dragging my feet about changing the habits and dropping the weight… sure, influences around me are no help, but still, it's my choice…

on a side note, my nose started bleeding about an hour before i was to leave for the game… i get nosebleeds a couple of times a year, usually when my nostrils are irritated by a cold or pollen and i am blowing or rubbing my nose a lot… usually it's a one time thing, i pack it, it stops, and months or longer goes by before i become a nose faucet of blood again… today, however, was an odd one… it stopped and did not bother me at all as i was playing softball, but then, standing in line to pay for the buffet it started up again… and it's trickling all evening, so it must have been a bigger than usual capillary burst… no worries, it's part of life for me in this body… and one of the reasons i lay odds on my cause of death (when this body finally dies) will be a stroke… hopefully it'll be a full blown dead stroke and not a vegetative coma type because i'd rather not have strangers giving me sponge baths and wiping my drool (and ass) for years…

are we having fun yet? :)

yeah, so all in all, a beautiful relaxing fun weekend… i wrote some rhymes and sprinkled words into other places and enjoyed everything i did… last thing before coming here to write this was watch Brazil and i have not seen it in a long enough time for it to be mostly new to me (i feel lucky that i can detach memories from my consciousness and experience films as if i never saw them more than once)… there is definitely a classic quality to that film… and the genre is one i relate to well as you probably know well too… one of these days i must make time to catch u[ on reading around the web… and do laundry… and change my habits and so on and so forth and on that repetitive note, i wish you a wonderful night and even better tomorrow…

cuz everything is a matter of perspective and perspective is mostly choice and my choice is to enjoy life so life is fun, even now :)

reflexive retro-intro-spection

well, the re-importing of cds continues even as the sun's about to rise… and before we begin today's entry, a word (or another) about corporate america… yes, i thought the rant was over and we'd get on with a proper entry, but thanks to apple software update forcing a reboot (which really means it wants to get it's hands on the registry and the real controls of the computer), i was reminded that google, in it's infinite wisdom, does not allow me sign in with my blogger account on the main blogger sign in page because i have a google account (created for gmail at another time before google bought blogger) and the main sign in page (the only one blogger offers when you click on sign-in) demands my google account information, but then after signing in to google, goggle will not find my blogger blogs from that goggle account... i have merged the accounts more than once, it doesn't work... probably because i've had accounts with blogger and google for too long, way before google bought blogger, and they just don't have their account associations going back that far... i've heard horror stories about bloggers losing their blogs when trying to merge them too many times, so i just leave it alone and settle for the crap service i am used to in this modern computer age...

all that to say, i have to go to leave a comment somewhere in order to sign in to blogger because for some odd reason, google allows a blogger to sign in on a comment page with a blogger account, but not on the main blogger sign-in page and of course the company has gotten too big for a mere user to communicate this information to anyone who could do anything (or who cares) about it... corporate logic…

but actually, as much as the software incompatibilities and corporate incompetence and customer disrespect is annoying, maybe the venting whining ranting complaining bitching crap is really more about…

another saturday night and i sit here alone
not really caring to talk on the phone
mostly just wanting somebody to love
who loves be back as much as i can love
but i've yet to find someone compatible with the way i love
so it's another Saturday night sitting here
with only these dreams i dream of

yeah, loneliness sucks and can be rather pathetic at times, though i choose the loneliness over the compromise of being with someone who does not satisfy me and would just be in the way if i found someone who did… consciously or not, most people use each other to keep loneliness at bay… that is why relationships come and go, whether casual or devout marriages, because most people just settle for someone to sleep with rather than to be alone… and it's called love and consciously they may even believe they are in love, but it's not really love as long as someone else can come along and peak more interest… at least not most of the time…

few people are honest about that… most people think they are honest about their emotions because they are so out of touch with themselves that they do not know what or how they really feel and therefore blindly follow their hormones rather than their feelings… feelings are physical, but they are also conscious thought and an awareness of reason and logic as it applies to the hormonal and instinctive reaction to another person... anyone who does not know this is a victim of their blindness and may actually believe that they have no control over how they feel because they have no connection between their hormonal instinctive reactions and their conscious mind… so many suck people they stay in relationships that may very well be unhealthy or abusive because they claim they are in love…

love is not blind, hormones may be, but not love… love is awareness, conscious enlightenment, actualizing the energy that connects everything and triggers hormones and instincts and creativity and passion and zeitgeist and the positive forces in the infiniverse… that is the ultimate truth, even if no one is aware…

at least for the moment :)

dontcha just love/hate it when i seem to think i know everything?... hey, whatdya expect as 4am approaches on a Saturday night and i sit here contemplating my navel and the navel of the imaginary person who is my own personal the one pressing up against each other… navel love, yes, and we don't even need a ship… ah, shades of Elton John (ah yes, the time-consuming inconvenience of switching itunes preferences and resetting them and re-uploading the cd that interrupted this entry and mood and resulted in the previous entry and the opening paragraph of this entry that really detracts from the original journey this entry may have been on all those hours ago… maybe later)…

or now (which is much later, actually)…

so much for maintaining a train of thought as an aside derails into all that came before and is here now that would have been different and i feel much more meaningful and deeper than it is… so if you were around tonight, i mean late (or perhaps you have fun away from the internet as dawn approaches on Sunday mornings or maybe you even sleep through saturday nights (being nocturnal is not the normal human way, i suppose, but it's natural for me which sets me apart in so many ways i seldom think about because, after all, there's no point in feeding the loneliness unless there's an opportunity to end it… and that opportunity is not available at the moment), you found the last entry that kind of continued into this entry and wandered through the thoughts on emotional awareness and made of that what you will… thank you for being here, even if you weren't, cuz you are here now…

ah, we miss so many connections in our lives, especially when we are asleep… but with patience and in time, we just might come to understand that we share what we will share are where we are and the key is to enjoy this and make the most of each opportunity when it comes around… and since the sun is rising on a beautiful day and i've got a softball game this afternoon and i've been awake all night, i'm gonna lay back and see about taking a nap now… and dream what dreams may come…

i think i'll put on a movie that reminds me of what friends and family might actually be like for those lucky enough to experience it… ironically that film is Harry Potter… the biggest draw for the story for me is the camaraderie, the loyalty, the devotion and love between the friends and families… being that i've never actually experienced such bonds in this life, i imagine… and what i imagine is as real as anything that might be real, to me…

did you ever know anyone who loved you unconditionally?
did you ever know anyone who was always there, is always there, eternally?
did you ever know anyone who love you completely openly honestly?
when all the walls fall, when you share it all, inhibitions gone, you are set free
did you ever know a moment like that in this life – really?

i hope so… i hope everyone does someday… all it takes is setting aside fear and all the rules created by people who let fear rule their lives and distort their understanding and awareness of the energy of love, especially in this life… this physical life is fraught with fear-driven people, people who empower fear above love, and perhaps it has always been this way, but it does not have to be… i hope you choose differently today, or someday… i hope enough people do so that a collective conscious awareness brings our humanity out of hiding and empowers love more than fear…

know life without fear and you know how to live… all the answers become easy to find… everything makes sense…

it is all in the mind…

apple crap

i'll probably spend most of this weekend uploading cds to the mybook drive, twice, since itunes and windows do not get along and want to waste my time… the incompatibility of competing software and operating systems sucks… specifically, i mean mp3 and m4a files… so i let itunes covert all the cds i put into the computer into m4a files cuz m4a files are supposedly the best sound (though wav files may be just as good if i really investigated sound quality), but then if i want to upload a song to the web i have to use the mp3 format and that means converting and itunes is a pain when it comes to converting individual files (and ever so slow importing and converting to mp3) so i either have to explore additional software or change the options in itunes and load and convert the cd again and then have duplicate files in the itunes player and it's a time consuming annoying process… that's why i don't use music in my blogs nearly as much as i'd like to… crappy inconvenient apple software…

not that microsoft is any better, or any large corporation these days for that matter, but this is an apple itunes rant… so continuing… not to mention the fact that like most microsoft products, screen propriaety is built into itunes… that is probably the most intrusive and disrespectful aspect of software these days… simply, that itunes will not work in the background… so as i am typing this, itunes might grab the screen and do whatever keyboard instructions it was not supposed to be getting just because it took over the computer and switched windows while i was typing…

who's computer is it, anyway?...

and what's with the way itunes sorts music?... way too many cds get categorized as compilations when they are not compilations and then they do not appear in the artist's music folder when i go looking for a song file… and it does it haphazardly, without rhyme or reason... disk one of a two disk set will be put in a folder under the artist's name while disk two of the same set will go in the compilations folder with no artist's name so finding it becomes a matter of hit and miss searching... ridiculously poor programming from my perspective...

and the folders itunes create are not based on the cd, but rather based on the artist so i do not find all the songs on a cd in the same folder if the song features another artist or is a duet or something… why doesn't itunes just keep the cd files together… not to mention that if you love to play with statistics like i do, having multiple copies of a song screws with the number of plays as itunes doesn't count plays by title but rather by file… so again, why not file stuff together… greed, it's all about greed… compatibility means less money for the companies… then there's the annoying intrusion or itunes seeming to need frequent automatic updates that screws with the player, the browser (cuz quicktime and flash update as well) and require a shut down and reboot…

all in all, apple is no better than microsoft with it's intrusions into what i want to do with a computer… it is amazing that other companies do not start up and offer more user respectful software by now… i mean, do you think we would put up with any product that was constantly doing things we did not want to do?... like a car that stopped running when it wanted to unless you took it in for service at that moment… or a car that turned left when you wanted to turn right… people are just so uneducated about computers they put up with the proprietary software and inconveniences that we'd never put up with from other products…

vent over…

actually, as much as the software disrespect is annoying, maybe the venting whining ranting complaining bitching crap is really more about… well, i'll leave that for tomorrow night's entry which will be uploaded any moment now (so if you're real good and stay tuned, you'll be here when it appears and can be the first to know)…

thank you for that :)