it was only last year

that this post should have been uploaded... so we'll just back-date it even though it's about sunrise of the new year... I'm not sleeping much this weekend so far and yet I'm bouncing around like a super ball and don't even feel a little tired... all this energy flowing through and out of me and nothing actually shared beyond some words... yay for that, at least... words are better than nothing...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

'round here, Raspy did his usual couch potato napping between going to bed and sleeping all weekend... I decided I was gonna enjoy vegging out with football on TV and music and the internet (and happy happy joy joy, unexpected telephone calls) and so far that's exactly what I'm doing... I still want to continue the dive into the depths of the land of the mostlydead, but the quiet time and private space for such jags remains elusive so it's a staggered process...

of course it helps (in the going down process) that I am not basking in the spotlight with thousands of zealous fans all around begging for more... it's just me and you, my dear small group of apostles... the irony of being relatively unknown is that it can seem like a secret, yet it's no secret, not really, it's just all the love in the world simply going unnoticed...

before we giggle, let's all let out a collective sigh...

and I'm almost back to babbling behind the candoor on an almost daily basis again... can it get much more exciting?... well, perhaps, for the latest btc entry will reveal the formation of yet another journal... one not intended for use at the moment, but one more for posterity... a blog in a vast community long overlooked that probably should have been founded long ago when my name might have still been available... yes, I have registered a blog at AOL... I'll hide the gory details btc where most everything gets lost in babble anyway...

oh, the shame...

J

relaxing new year weekend

after months of relatively non-stop concert going two, three, sometimes four nights a week (one period in November it was seven out of ten days... the schedule remains down on the right sidebar), the last few weekends (well, except for a Disney day/night last weekend for Xmas eve) have been old-foggy relaxing home alone times... and this weekend looks like it'll be the same (with college football bowl games blaring in the background)...

Rasputin went to get Chinese so dinner was $20 (guess there was no change)... I discovered my cell bill doubled and checking the usage online, found Precious had ran up the messaging for an extra $100 and rising... I texted her "Stop all texting NOW!" and I'll check again tomorrow before I turn the service off (if the wallet bleeding doesn't stop)... Raspy tells me he's taking the phone cuz he warned her about this and they discussed why she should leave the phone home, but he says she assured him she'd stay within the limits... ooops... I hate to have to turn her phone off, but this is not the first time she's pulled more than a hundred bucks out of my pocket with the phone without my knowing it... a while back it was a few hundred bucks... sigh... she's just got no financial responsibility in her yet...

but I love her...

the brain is on vacation too as nothing seems to be growing or falling out in recent days... wait, that's not true, I wrote over in two of my live journals just last night... ok, so I forgot... I've not slept much yet this weekend...

oh yeah, now I remember... I had a wonderfully tearful night last night before napping... it was time to revisit with Harry Chapin and Verities & Balderdash, Legends of the Lost and Found, and Cotton Patch Gospel flooded me with memories and emotional catharsis as I sang and sang and wrote in the LJ mostlydead and an entry in candoor over there to boot and I visited some LJ friends...

the brain forgets, but obviously was babbling and rhyming and singing and catharticizing last night... yay for emotions... even if nobody's around to share them... hope you are enjoying your new year weekend whether it is relaxing, cathartic, busy, or however you like it...

I'm still alive

yes, the doctor did not sentence me to death... in fact, she didn't freak like I thought she might cuz my lab results were not as bad as I thought they'd be... a few results went down, only sugar and cholesterol went up (by 7 and 9 mg/dL respectively)... cholesterol is still under 200, but sugar is higher than it should be (I'm sweet)... I figured I'm be over 220 pounds, but the scale said 219... still could easily drop a couple of dozen pounds, a few dozen would be ideal... seven weeks, we'll check me out again and see if the holiday sugar rush wears off... thanks for caring to know...

work was fine, left early but before I did, more pizza and today, Greek pastries... that's besides the usual boxes of chocolate and goodies floating around the place... my officemate and I are planning to cut out all the sweets and drop poundage after the new year... we shall see if we follow through...

home was sleepy, nodded off between the college bowl games... dinner was mac and cheese, good old comfort food... and ice cream, of course... and here we are, brief, just the facts, life at home...

nite nite J

nuts!

just a little more ice cream left... two gallons of ice cream, amazingly chocolately ice cream... feeling the body reaching the sugar limits (how human of me to find glee in the decadence and self-destruction of internal organs struggling to process all the sugar and fat so a blocked artery or cranial capillary doesn't say the party is over before I do... lucky for the heart, liver, kidneys, gall bladder, pancreas, brain, and so on, nobody is around to offer me some drugs)...

kind of like making excuses for Terrell Owens...

I don't know if being in touch with the body on a cellular (and sometimes molecular, and occasionally ethereal) level is better or worse for it's survival rate, as apathy and stupidity is much more likely to happen in my conscious mind than in my instinctive sub or unconscious... too much rationalization could kill a good idea, after all...

kind of like trying to build up Florida to sell the NCAA Football National Championship game...

yes, so a king size snicker:z to top off the one square of chocolate (that square measured in feet, of course) and the food fixation (primarily sugar, fat (including cheese), and chocolate) continues and I shall surely pay for this in painful withdrawals as I go cold turkey whenever that happens (next week looks like the likely moment)... of course if we accentuate accurately the root cause analysis of the situate, we realize the mass consumption of the unholy trinity (sugar, fat, chocolate) and added caffeine is the fool's answer to loneliness as the body is experiencing sensual euphoria and other fluctuations that would be better found in the passions of falling in and making love (or just some marathon wild sex, even), which only goes to prove that one never completely looses sight of an addictive personality no matter how much wisdom or experience or common sense one pours into a head...

kind of like comparing Adolph Hitler with Martin Luther King Jr. because they were both just looking out for their own people...

so let's see... work was busy busy busy with the data I put off doing last week because, with the help of chocolate, I was catching up on six months worth of data for the ridiculous state database in spite of the incompetent government man who's instructions, if I had followed them, would have insured the hospital would have been cited as out of compliance and in violation of it's contract... the past two days, finally, the government man has been frantically trying to reach me only to find me away from my desk because I will not allow him to stop me from meeting my deadlines and doing my job... he sent an email to my boss today and she apparently ignored him as well, which is great quiet support... I suppose he's still trying to convince himself and others that he knows what he is doing...

kind of like trying to sell G.W. Bush as an enlightened compassionate intellectual...

and home, the party continues... which is where we came in to this entry and where we shall exit, stage left... tomorrow morning I head in for my semi-annual check up (and kick off the year-end party) and then, after work, I intend to return to life in black and white behind the candoor with renewed madness (so the complete z0tl commentary conversation shall be broken into a few entries slide into the archive for posterity) and over the weekend I intend to splash into myspace with something new as I catch up with comments and messages there... I may head out Saturday to take Minnie and family to dinner as it was her birthday this week, but much sitting and munching in front of the TV will be done over the weekend as, living with Rasputin, college football shall dominate the airwaves... meanwhile, I shall see about getting some reasonable decent sleep now...

kind of like a junkie passing out...

may you be enjoying your health and/or decadence just as much and may your weekend and new year be as much fun as mine and even more, may you find the one bliss missing from mine (hey, may I too, aye?)... and yeah, starting next week may I revise the life expectancy of this body and get the probabilities back over seventy or eighty or wherever it'll go again... kind of like next year in Jerusalem, complete with ridiculously un-pc giggles cuz I'm having just too much fun in my head for one person, whatever that means...

nite nite J

holiday pig-out

on the food front, which is the heart and soul of my sensual life these days (alas, dear lust, I knew thee too well and forsake thee even better, but in a moment all can change if, as Art Garfunkle sang, the right one comes along... all this lust and thrust ready to bust when trust reclaims love as it must, but until then, I settle for yum)... this is the piggiest pig-out holiday season I've done to this body in, maybe ever, but at least top three for this lifetime...

I will get on the scale at the doctor's office Friday when I go for my check up and see the damage done and perhaps feel inspired to start the new year off with a renewed sense of life energy and body optimization that will bring me back from the self-indulgence (and is ultimately self-destructive and, for me personally, ever so isolating) to a balance that will invite what (and who) I truly want into this life again...

there's always hope, ya know?...

but this week, wow... the love affair with food has exploded into what mnight be the last blissful culinary passion of this lifetime (cuz if I don't stop soon, I'll surely blow up... it'll probably take a year and a jack-hammer to unclog my arteries... oh, but such amazing sensual ecstasy... and fun)...

I wonder if fat people know this sort of feeling or whether, like most over-indulgences that go too far, they are numb and just eat out of habit... that would be so sad, but from what I've experienced (and know of biology and biochemistry), makes too much sense... without retruning to the balance, the optimal sensory experience overloads and the sensory apparatus goes numb...

not much else knew... at work, the government man is panicking and leaving messages... apparently he expects me to drop everything and make time for him precisely when he wants without setting any sort of appointment or asking if it's ok and it's a week late, today, and there's a few days left in the year, and he knows he left our agency hanging way too long, and he's trying to cover his butt again... government incompetence at it's finest, all documented in emails and reports... sad, really, considering you and I pay his really nice salary and benefits and retirement...

and then there's chocolate everywhere as the place is a constant buffet of delicious foods and snacks and candies... if there was a contest for a workplace to gain the most weight, we'd win hands down... I did eat half a salad today...

at home, the pig-out rules...

merry happy yay! J

what happened yesterday

was I didn't have time to write an entry here because I was trying to get music to play, but mostly I was too busy falling asleep while trying to comment on a blog entry that will be deleted any moment now (and the long labor of love comment along with it)...

talk about suffering for love...

meanwhile, I wrote this sometime yesterday I think, intending it for the livejournal but putting it here instead just cuz I know how much you miss me and my incorrigible ego when I skip a day:

I am listening to After Forever (link will be fixed) and remembering how much I enjoy her voice and the majestic sound... I found an mp3 player on a myspace profile that actually plays (so far, at least) on my ancient machine (not quite a 386 as my evil and currently disappearing friend z0tl might suggest, but old) and there are dozens of songs on this bloody angel's playlist that I'd love to get copied in a form I can listen to at my liesure... it's kind of amazing whenever songs play on this old machine... I hope they all download...

and in walks Rasputin, most likely waking for work, and he heats up a bratwurst left over from dinner last night, sits down on the couch in his spot directly in front of the TV, farts loudly a few times, and eats his sausage... he hasn't turned on the TV yet, a rarity, probably cuz the music is playing on the computer, but the bright lights are on again... I enjoyed almost an hour of darkness this time between his trips to the fridge in his sleep to get more Diet Pepsi and leave the light on... he also usually turns on the TV moments after waking or coming home, can watch the same shows over and over, gets lost in commercials, and leaves the TV on after going to his room to his computer or to sleep... Rasputin is a creature of habit, orders the same dish at restaurants every time, and can be counted on for his consistency... he went to shower, of course, leaving the bright kitchen lights on... he'll leave it on when he leaves for work too...

it is challenging to maintain any sort of different atmosphere here than the one just described because the consistency is so, well, consistent... this is life at home... I have another roommate, Precious, who is away for the holidays... she too leaves to light on all the time, but does not fart so as anyone can notice... neither does dishes or picks up after themselves on any regular basis, so there is almost always a pile of dirty dishes in both sinks and on the counters, along with empty Pepsi bottles (they are both seriously addicted) and smears and crumbs and dirty pots or pans and food wrappings (usually fast food or packaged food)...

but I love them, even if their daily living habits are different than mine and not my ideal living space habits... I have slide into a much sloppier lifestyle over the past few years with their habits dominating the space... I don't always like that, but I've learned to live with it (or more precisely, ignore it as much as possible) in a semi-distant peacefulness...

and in the rare moment when I do create an ambiance closer to home for me and they disregard it (which is their consistent habit), like now, I come to words and record it so I can remember the best and the worst of the living space of these years... and also to remember what my home is like when I create it...

mood lighting that changes, candles and varied scents, usually music, almost always clean and clear counters and sinks and furniture... I suppose I have my habits too and many might not like them, but I am extremely flexible and enjoy trying new things and changes...

this is one of my prime excuses for not going out with any intention of meeting someone new and bringing them home, because I would not want to bring someone I want to be close to into this space... foolish, perhaps, since I am lonely and crave more social interaction on almost every level, including intimacy... but their habits are so ingrained in their lifestyles that there's no use trying to change them, so I accept the compromise because it lets me live much more comfortably on my relatively current salary...

and this gives you a taste of the real world I live in, home life comfortable but not ideal and not a space I'd call mine, social life relatively non-existent... work life is great, I enjoy what I do and have no one over my shoulder (in fact, nobody actually knows just what I do {they call me a clinical data specialist, and yes, that is a change from the last time I was here... same hospital, different office and tasks} and my word that it's getting done is enough for them)...

PS... honest silent energy is effective sometimes... before I uploaded this entry Rasputin decided it was time to do the dishes... ain't he a sweetheart?...

and so it is Xmas (morning)

and this is what I've done in RealTime™... concluding a wondrous day before and Xmas eve out at Disney (a wondrous experience in spite of the reality of rain and the insult and greed of $7 ponchos made of maybe six cents worth of plastic) with a magnificent dinner at a fine music-filled Italian restaurant, I settled into a bit of babbling and singing to myself time until slipping out of the house and sneaking many many presents under the six Xmas trees on the six units of the hospital I call home when I doing what I do to earn money... as they say (and maybe never more accurately), it’s a living...

and once the stockings were hung from the day room handrails with care and the presents all neatly stacked under the trees with special attention to size, shape, and color in order to create the best visual presentation, and with the children all still safely tucked in their beds and the staff prepared for the onslaught of the energy of Xmas morning, I slipped out of the picture to let the Xmas morning wake up happen... that is respect for the staff who worked the night that I offer by slipping out before the kids wake for it would not be fair to those who sit and watch over the kids all night for a faux-Santa to appear and receive all the precious attention and excitement the kids will have at wake up...

I did sneak a peek though, incognito as the everyday clinician I am... the air was buzzing and the eyes were beaming and the hearts were thumping and the rooms were teaming with excited kids ripping and tearing and squealing and comparing and sharing one of the few times of their lives they might forget they have a medical label and have been through very rough times...

and the mystery and magic of Santa remained well preserved in what was left behind, dozens of presents for each of the 85 kids, gifts donated by corporations as big as the Atlanta Braves and as small as the mom and pop convenience store on the corner... and as usual, partly to see how much was given freely by so many with only a brief thank you in return (not even a tax write off as we are a for-profit hospital), and mostly to see the pure amazement and joy in the eyes and giggles of the kids, even the Grinchiest of staff experienced their heart growing three sizes this morning...

a few of the younger kids, away most of the night and trying their best to be good, left Santa a stuffed animal and cookies and other little trinkets and when you consider these kids have little or nothing to their name and no power at all to get anything except what is given to them, these little gifts have as great a value as any gift I ever received... excuse me whilst I kvell... or qvell, even... talk amongst yourselves...

sigh...

it may be egocentric or arrogant of me, but in my innocent excitement I drove off into the early morning imagining that I was feeling just the tiniest bit of the feeling that a real Santa might feel after making his rounds and it was not all bliss and wonder, it was very hard work on my hands and knees setting up boxes and packages just right after sorting through so many hundreds... and after not sleeping for so long, my arms and legs and back are blissfully sore and my head is spinning with whatever sugarplums or fairies might actually look like... it is a sense of accomplishment, to know I have touched so many packages that are right now touching so many hearts...

the chills and euphoria of the feeling of giving unconditional love in actual physical effort is far overshadowing any lonely or achy feeling right now... and I'll just let it stay just like this for as long as it lasts...

and then it was home again to continue enjoying the excitement of the giving and the energy of the love that is rarely more alive in this world than at this time of year (and perhaps, sometime later, a bit of sleep) in the way I know best when I am alone (and the world around me is asleep), babble on...

Merry Happy... Everyone J

tip toe through the tulips

it was yesterday, or perhaps the day before, in a seven way discussion between two people behind the candoor (there, ok, I made it easy) that the world almost came to an end... lucky for us, the secret did not slip out until the conversation spilled over into the comment box at the ever-changing blog of ever-changing names (that is at once consuming and digesting and creating a black hole where once a magnificent blog once stood) and if we are all lucky (and the three wize men ascertain the secret code in the explicitly detailed special paragraphs and hark the herald of myspace), then nobody will ever be the wizer unless they decipher the code some wandering minstrel left between the lines of a recent comment that shall have no easy map...

galloping gozbits, Louisa, enough hints have been left in enough places to sink a battleship... now you went and took all the fun out of the scavenger hunt... but then again, perhaps adding another layer of explanatory notes to the already confusing (and mostly obscure and semi-unrecognizable) map is precisely what the doctor ordered (which doctor, what doctor, witch doctor? what? doctor?)...

and so, remembering RealTime™, I scampered about in the rain at Disneyworld for hours before finally pretending to be old and giving into hunger and roommate fatigue and the probabilities of a less than spectacular fireworks show, so we headed on out to find a restaurant and came across a mid-range upscale Italian place that served up some excellent cuisine and a righteous miracle of a triple chocolate cake and cheese-cake combination that would make even an experienced chocoholic tremble and laugh to see the novices drool and passing on the wheel barrel, we stumbled out to our car much satiated with divine offerings and much Xmas cheer...

stopping at work to pick up my cell phone charged so I could charge my cell phone so it can be on and wake me (in case I fall asleep) so I can head back into work at 5am-ish to play Santa, it was an unexpected delight to share some hugs from some people I used to work with on the night shift because I forgot that I did not have my key and I had to call in and ask someone to come out and let me in to get my cell phone charger so I could charge my (I think this is where we came in)...

and then it was home again, home again, rooty toot and caroling all the way (at least I was... Rasputin was falling asleep at the wheel, no reflection on my fine caroling, I'm sure)... we made it home in one piece and Raspy trucked off to la la land (or at least slipped into his room and parked his carcass somewhere soft) and I returned to cyberspace to investigate the rumours that there were some comments to be dealt and so there were here and over in the myspace world and after dispatching them with my usual irreverent flair, I came here to tell you, ever so briefly, exactly what I wanted you to hear (or read, as the case may be)...

of course there's no guarantee you will see or hear anything just because I put the water out here... but all metaphors about horses aside, there is more to be seen in the comments these days than can be found in the brevity of posts or even the scattered pictures of the time we left behind... misty waters forming memories of the way we were, even... and yes, office of the misheard lyric, I'll paraphrase just as much as I please, than you very much, so it's not always misheard around here...

and that was Xmas even, so far, in the RealTime™ world of the mad babbler you've come to know and live as me (whomever I may be)... feel free to click on links and explore the branches of the madness that have been exposed so far and trust that, like the epitome of icebergs (though this body is much hotter than any old chunk of Antarctica or the great white ice above the great white north), so much more rests deeply below the surface that it would take a miner forty nine years just to get anywhere near square one and true understanding of the madness...

still, it is a blessed gift that you've even take a step in that direction so merci buckets and merry happy to all and to all an absolutely stupendously marvelous (and wondrously wonder-filled) night...

and morning too J

z0tl bless us, every one

there's a muze out there and his moniker sayz z0tl (aka, the amazing disappearing z0tl of diaryland and other places) and bozwizzickerz, I shall, not resist the compulsion to immortalize the Z-man in spite of his apparently unavoidable date with impending doom... but that's for another place entirely, even if the gizt of the master's current inspirations fall below posts in this blog right here (especially the previous ever so brief entry), for the zealots of the Z come from, quite ironically, D-land, and behind the candoor is the place (eventually) for such babbling the zeal...

I merely mention the wonder-Z here in order to further incite him to riot, which is legal in the state of suspended reality found foaming between my ears... and if you noticed the hint at a hard core Xmas carol in my response to the comments in the previous entry (yeah, I expect you to pay attention), then you'll be happy (or not) to know that you can find that Ghetto Carol in the bright lights of the myspace blog... go figure, I slap it out where I could lose the most... or influence the most... or at least reach the most... bold or foolish, you decide... me, well I've still got nothing to hide...

meanwhile, in RealTime™, since our last meeting here... some backlogged rambling was uploaded to btc (including the content from the latest message in a bottle personal ad placed out there in cyberspace)... some roaming around myspace.. lunch at our favorite local Chinese restaurant followed by some of the finest chocolate ice cream (with fudge and cashews and caramel and chips and more) known to humans... and then watching a rather brutal (for Ohio State fans) drubbing of Ohio State by Florida that was mercifully interrupted by a wonderful call from one of my favorite people and just as the call wound down to a fine close, I noticed that Rasputin found The Sound of Music (one of my all-time favorite films and I shall sing once more and get all mushy and teary and yay!) on the TV (and one of the sweetest memories of all is sharing this and other emotionally driven stories and gifts of song with friends, sigh and all that sensimental stuff... yeah, sentimental stuff too)...

the 'after-party' includes a choice between the classics Pretty In Pink, City of Angels, and one I've yet to actually see, The Constant Gardener... I went with City of Angels for the sensimental fantasy value (and to gaze into Meg Ryan's eyes once again and dream)... and that was my day... tomorrow we are going to Disney... and I hope you are finding marvels and wonders and magical times this weekend too...

and much YAY! J

gonna bzzzzzft

fun at work, all set for Monday morning when I play Santa and distribute hundreds of toys and games and clothes and stuff...

great pizza at home (as if I'm not stuffed enough) and cookies and yum...

sugar is my mistress...

chocolate is my lover...

bzzzzzft J

here, there, and everywhere...

ate something that is not agreeing with this body resulting in forehead throbs and extra potty time (you needed to know this, of course)... but feeling like crap didn't stop me from writing in myspace tonight and I'll try to keep my head up and focused enough to upload to btc too...

I think I may write too much for anyone to keep up with... I don't want to think that too often cuz it's a sad thought sometimes... especially when I am feeling weak and uncomfortable in this body and want someone to pat me on the head and tell me they love me and everything will be alright...

offline, in RealTime™, I woke and took a couple of hours for myself, going to work at 11... sleepy I was, but not tired, so I enjoyed the luxury of remaining in that quasi conscious state while responding to inspirations on the web... then at work, no work got done... it's Xmas wrapping and Santa's Workshop everywhere and after giving half a day to it yesterday, I finally gave in and put my work aside... the Xmas party and feast was this afternoon and it was a nice spread, though I am wondering if something on the buffet was off as this body is sure off since about two hours after eating... alas, I am not a turkey and do not enjoy stuffing myself today...

Rasputin just woke and turned on the light and ouch for my eyes... of course he then went to shower and get ready for work and left the bright light on... so much for the dark peaceful meditative atmosphere I was creating for my head and body...

I'll be Santa this year... at 5am Monday morning I'll be sneaking into the hospital and putting several hundred presents under and around six trees... the person in charge of rallying the community for donations outdid every previous year by far and each kid will be getting at least ten presents and some more than twenty cuz they have family and others who left things specifically for them... it's pretty amazing as more than twenty oversized bags are full...

I got home and napped and woke with a throbbing forehead so I hopped in the shower and sweated in all hot water until it ran out, then let cold water drip on my forehead... felt much better, so I came out here and wrote in the dark... this is what came out... and here we are for the brief update of the day...

that's it... enthusiasm almost all used up, but it was a wonderful day... hope yours was too

well, that wasn't too bad...

the bogger outage, that is... but only because I had too little time to be babbling much anyway the past couple of days...

and while I did go wander around myspace (where I found a rather judgmental kid insisting that I be insulted because she called me a freak... she don't know me vewwy well, do she?) and other comments and messages I finally got to respond to, but I found myself babbling in the long lost this candor could be yours, which is the current name of the old live journal that was the first step outside of my own website into a public site for journaling online... people I knew there long since left me for dead as I seldom write there anymore, but there are a few really fantastic people I still hear from when they notice I've showed my face...

it's a lot like life, this blogging universe... people seem to find a comfort zone, a home town, so to speak, and make themselves comfortable and stay there... I've never had a home town, per say, since NYC is a bit huge to give that home town feeling... even schools there don't have the same proms and activities that the rest of the country takes for granted... and I've always been comfortable drifting in and out of groups of people and from place to place from the time I was very young...

cuz I realize that the one I want to be with (besides me) is not where I am, so I wander off to share something somewhere else in case the one I want to be with is over there, wherever there might be at any given moment... she's wandering around looking for me... I don't want to ponder to probabilities of the timing of our actually bumping into each other just now cuz mathematics is a killer for hope and illusions (sneaking out of statistics class again, am I?)...

I went shopping before work today and sent $200 on holiday gifts and candy for the people at work... that's almost as much as I spent on Halloween, I think... insanely me, that is... there is no wonder why I don't have the expensive toys I used to have, I enjoy giving stuff away too much... the state database is still as wonky as ever and the government man (it's a three parter) still hasn't gotten back to me even though he said Tuesday the latest... I didn't expect him to change his habits now... my guess is that he can't get the process he needs to teach me right himself, so he's avoiding trying to teach me what he doesn't know...

so I spent the morning shopping and then putting together gift bags as my office turned into a mini-Santa's workshop... I stayed until 7pm to knock out what I could for the state database and what is left is what the govt man must show me because I am not going to figure it out for myself because I have piles of other work falling behind and it's his job to show me how to use the messed up state database... the bottom line is I did manage to get a few thousand records uploaded, but I'm leaving a few hundred for him simply to prove the point that he's not been doing his job since day one (if he didn't CC an email in while he insinuated that I've been dragging my feet to five different high mucky-mucks, I'd be kinder to his incompetent butt, but he insisted on pretending he was helping so I am waiting for him to do what he said he'd do)...

much chocolate at work... and then home to canned dinner and cheese filled breadsticks and I think I'll start eating healthy again next year... hopefully my doctor will not read me a riot act as my semi-annual check up is the 29th... I feel good, just not as great as I usually feel cuz of the slowness of the blubber... sadly, I am still moving faster than most people around me and have no motivation to kick my own butt into gear...

oh, but I did put yet another personal add online... I'll put the copy into a btc entry any day now... another message in a bottle into a tiny pond hoping that's the place the one I want to be with might turn up... it's so much fun, I can hardly stand it (shhh, pretend you don't hear the giggles)... I also signed up at some writer's board that has less than a dozen members... all thanks to my myspace wandering...

I've rambled on again... dangit, one of these days I'll remember to be brief here...

hope your day and night are fun J

blogger? (brief)

WORK... the state database... details elsewhere...

HOME... Precious is in Ohio, Rasputin continues to be a bad influence (he buys me Code Red and chocolate and pizza and Taco Bell and other junk when I ask for it... he is truly an evil force), I am at work too much for it to make much of a difference... besides, Bowl watching has begun...

PLAY... here we are, but not for long... check other places... no time (or playmates) for anything else... Bowl games will be background noise for a while...

HERE... can't call it blogger if it doesn't let you blog, aye?... seems to be a bog, or blockage of some sort more than a blog site lately... I wasn't able to log in yesterday, so I spent a little time at myspace and tonight, after an hour of trying to log in, I'm looking around for another daily blog site...

ironically, this reminds me of my first post or two here at bogger...

a blog should not have to be a place to vent frustrations about not being able to access your blog, ya know?...

but that's all you get tonight, if bogger let's this through... I'll be babbling over behind the candoor and possibly over at myspace more... it was time for me to return to being brief here anyway...

love you, love you :)

almost up to date

closer than it's been in a long time, the babbling diary is finally close to breathing normally (well, that would be hyperventalating by most human standards, but normally for life in black and white bahind the candoor)... many dozens of entries were uploaded in recent weeks and just this weekend about twenty more filled in the spaces known as blank dates and there are only three blank dates (and a few placeholder spaces) to go before there's no more empty spaces and only full speed ahead to go...

did that make any sense?...

well, I've been babbling and uploading to btc and even though there are still four dozen pages in the primary scribble file (and more files beyond that), I feel like I've reached a point to rest... maybe... at least until next week...

I did not do it all, but I did a lot...

and laundry...

so loving the babbling and the relaxing weekend and the excitement about future concerts and the fun in my head and the hope for more fun in the world outside my head and maybe even in the real time in space...

that's what I did today...

touching base

I'm still over in my babble files sticking pieces of babble together into soon to be btc entries and babbling as I go...

we popped in the DVD of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat earlier (which is much better than the drone of commercial television that's been on all day cuz Precious absconded with my headphones, both sets, wireless and regular, and apparently my spare cheap sets too as they are nowhere to be found, so I must pick up some more next time I am at the store, so I have no way to immerse myself in music and shut out the TV)...

Rasputin just found out that he will be going to see Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat (it's one of his favorite favorites) on January 16th cuz I found Center Orchestra Row L tickets and bought them as a Merry Happy present for him (I almost bought the Left Orchestra Row B tickets, but that close to the Orchestra pit on the side can skew the sound and view and distort the suspended reality theatre experience while Row L Center is close enough to the front and the Center is great for losing one's self in the theatre experience)...

well, I'm listening, Raspy mostly nodded off just after the first scene J

and then the intro music looped for a few hundred times before he woke and turned it off... then Saturday Night Live kicked it up a notch tonight (it's the first time I'm catching the show live in a while) and reached back into it's classic ideas to start the show with a song, two in fact... and while the cast is not as talented as that first and second casts (which I still believe were the best SNL had and one of the best ensembles ever gathered on TV), and they don't seem as cutting edge or pushing of limits today as they did back then, the concepts are great and they pulled them off well enough to inspire new giggles and a warm nostalgic smile...

the Santa's girlfriends song that opened the show was a good idea, but doing Alvin and the Chipmunks as the opening monologue was genius and just as I'm thinking they are not as pushing of limits, here comes the singing due doing Dick in a Box... hysterical... and then the BeeGees doing the Barry Gibb Talk show... excellent dumbness, though Wayne and Garth (of the cast tied for third with the Eddie Murphy - Joe Piscopo cast in the SNL greatest casts list in my mind) may never be topped for in the talk show of excellent dumbness category, the Gibb brothers did a good job...

and I decided I want to see Night in the Museum (hey, Robin Williams is in it)... and wouldn't you know that on December 5th the entire uncut first season of SNL was released on DVD... yeah, like they heard me... sheesh... though the fact that December 5th already past does diminish the probability that they actually released the DVD set because I mentioned the first cast being one of the best ever ensembles ever on television to practically impossible, but let's not focus on the relativity of time as it's futile...

I wonder if Justin Timberlake is singing to Britney when he says it's breaking my heart to see you run around and what goes around comes around... it's not a bad song, actually, with a good guitar break in it and an old style rock and roll bluesy driving beat...

I also bought Fall out Boy tickets as a present for Precious, so the January calendar is filling up... anyway, I'm gonna get back to babbling now... I just wanted to stop by and keep up to date in real time... hope you are enjoying your weekend and I'll be back when I finally sent the flood out other there...

babblin'

yeah, that's it (the ticket and all), I be babblin' tonight... and after a nice nap, it shall be released...

hope you be doin' what be good for you too :)

irony and such

so here I am blogging daily here and almost daily in other places and more like weekly in still other places and only occasionally in places that aren't counted in the other places and on one of the rare days I don't show up... of course it didn't matter because the webbots at blogger beta made sure my sudden single day disappearance was not registered on the blog-richter scale because many wonderful people were blocked (including the Wzzzrd of Zandy Eggo, who is missed)... such phenomenon do nothing to dissuade my obnoxiously enormous ego from trying to convince me (and anyone who'll listen) that the universe revolves around me...

of course that part of me I might call my rational mind laughs (and laughs well) at the follies of ego, but I write about it because it amuses me (and I like amusing myself) to record and recall just how ridiculously self-centered and self-important a human mind can get when ego is allowed to run wild and free (shhh, don't tell it otherwise)...

meanwhile, the world goes on outside of my head too...

and that's what I come here to write about, except when I am not babbling regularly, like lately, and I open what is supposed to be a mostly brief and to the point synopsis of life offline in real time... and if you care, then thank you, cuz it feels good to feel like I and the little details that make up life as I know it on a day to day basis are cared about beyond the few people who interact with me offline...

today was another long work day because of an ongoing project I wrote a bit about in a previous entry... I started out a bit early, but instead of getting to work early, I found my car seriously dead... yes, seriously dead... not merely nearly dead, but seriously... dead... not even a click at the turn of a key... dead silence...

luckily, I live in an apartment community that has one of those car starters and one of the maintenance guys bring it out to my car and it starts right up... a quick trip to the Auto Zone on the way to work to find the battery charger there out of order loses them a battery sale and brings me to the Advanced Discount Auto Parts, still on the way to work, where about an hour later I have a new $75 battery and I'm off to work... living about five miles from work and having several auto parts places between here and there (and I didn't mention the Wal-Mart also right in line on the way) is as convenient as having a maintenance guy with a car starter... I saw them for $30 and they are definitely a worthwhile convenience... and for $10 more they come with an air compressor... cool and useful toy...

so I finally get to work almost an hour late, but just in time to give my order for lunch to my office-mate who is taking orders for a lunch meeting (treated by the Director of Marketing) and it turns out he called the meeting to discuss the new information organizing I am doing and new forms I've been creating, to get feedback from the rest of his department and approve them... surprising appreciation from the top dogs and approval from my peers like that is uber cool (yes uber... seldom used in my babbling, but a good adjective)...

then it was back to working on the project (that's just two entries back if you'd rather scroll than open a new window)... I will likely explain more about the project another time, but for now, let's just say the government man is learning to respond and respect my questions... you can read about it behind the candoor where I've been known to babble on a bit...

and then I came home and sat here babbling and glanced up at the Science Channel which had a show about ancient history (based on geology and archeology) when a great extinction happened before the dinosaurs, something called the Permian extinction... and then a show about the hypothetical life of a sperm whale... I love the Science channel sometimes...

oh, and I have squishy elbow... no relation to squishy mishy, one of my secret lovers over at myspace (it's an orgy over there, ya know)... it's the diagnosis by my boss, the associate administrator of the hospital who also happens to be an ARNP in her spare time... brilliant girl, she is... and not just cuz she has so much faith in me either (nyuk)... a week or so ago I banged my elbow and it's been kind of sore, but that's what happens to elbows when they are banged, ya know?... anyway, today I sat my elbow down on the desk, once again forgetting the ouch that would occur a moment after the skin touched the desk, and it felt like there was a cushion or bubble under my elbow... a quick check revealed a squishy liquid bubble under the skin... fluid on the elbow, like professional athletes get, I exclaimed... my effervescent boss looked up at my elbow and declared, you have squishy elbow... don't you just love modern medicine?...

and on that note, that's today in real time... not as brief as I'd have liked, but heck, a babbler must babble and when there's no time for btc, it's bound to come out wherever I write... hope you don't mind...

and I hope your day was fun too J

thanks Dr. John

whomever you are... I suppose I'll so a web search for you one of these days, but no time tonight... anyway, you sent two new people here, maybe more, but two left word they stopped by, so thank you...

and hello new people, if you're still here to read this, that is... if not, hello anyway, and hope you are having fun wherever you are...

this is where I tell anybody who cares to know what's going on in this life I loosely call mine... I write a lot, but I try to be brief here... I don't always succeed, but my failures often amuse me when nobody gets hurt...

I crashed last night, so there was no entry... you may have noticed... that's my sardonic humor there, stating the obvious... I worked a bit late today and got home just in time to catch last night's episode of The Lost Room... it's got me, so I'm gonna try to see how it ends... if it ends anytime soon... kind of like the show Heroes that I hopefully will remember to catch next year... and Eureka... yeah, I'm finally alone enough to watch TV...

the work saga is still going on, but I'll continue it another night... for now, I'm gonna watch TV and then sleep and so, welcome...

and my regular few, love you...

see ya tomorrow, probably J

just another monday

and except for work and watching a new show, The Lost Room, nothing is new... work is ridiculous, but amusing... I interface with government people now, do I need to say more?... the incompetence is awesome... for every hour I interact with government agencies I spend at least ten minutes documenting the interaction to cover myself and the hospital...

see, I report data to the government to prove we are worthy of getting money from the government... the database I report to was shut down for rebuilding on July first... it was supposed to come back online September first, but didn't actually open for data again until the end of September and they are still trying to work bugs out... most agencies and hospitals have not been able to access the database or upload their data...

the hospital was bought and changed ownership on September first... the government now sees the hospital as a completely different entity and all data (in other words, all patients and treatment) prior to September first does not exist for the government... they only want data from September first as if the course of treatment for all the kids started on September first... so ultimately, the data is meaningless and proves nothing and helps no one, but they want it...

I started this position just after September first... the government finally processed my paperwork and gave me access to their database on November twentieth... in my one walk through of the website on November second, I found several errors in the records they set up for our hospital and told the government liaison about it... he thanked me in an email, which is part of the CYA process...

it has become obvious in the past three months on this job that the government liaison has very little understanding of the meaning of the data or the process he is supposed to be in charge of... ultimately, I can make up numbers and he'd never know the difference...

every week they fix bugs or upgrade something and access has to be granted again, so I did not have access again after that first day until noon today... and I find the government liaison did not fix the errors I reported to him on November seconds, so still data piles up on my desk and nothing has been reported to their precious database...

this wouldn't be a problem, except that on Friday, that would be December eighth, the government liaison answered questions I asked the day I finally got access back in November... answers I needed before I could start uploading any data... the answers were simply that no patient existed in our hospital prior to September first and to hell with what that does to the reports of the outcomes of treatment for the kids...

unfortunately, the government liaison was finally responding to my questions because he had something to tell me... apparently there is a fiscal year deadline, December thirty-first, for entry of all data for 2006... if the data is not entered by December thirty-first, the hospital is in violation of law and out of compliance with the contract that keeps government money flowing into the hospital... now he tells us...

I estimate that if the database is accessible from now on (which would be quite a new) and if the internet, my computer, and the hospital network never has a glitch (highly improbable) and if the errors on the site are fixed and I start entering data tomorrow and if I devote six hours a day non-stop to that and that alone (and am late with the other data reports due each month), it would take approximately twenty-two work days to catch up (and that doesn't include any patients admitted or discharged between now and December thirty-first)...

weekends?.. days off?... holidays?... even if I worked every single day from now until the end of the year, well, you do the math... and that is with every element running perfectly... so we're going to ask for an extension of the deadline at a much higher authority in the government than the incompetent liaison can grant...

tune in tomorrow to find out how that request turns out... and maybe I'll even start uploading some data into that system... and that was just another Monday... The Lost Room is an interesting, if very old, story... and the word still spins around...

hope you're having fun too J

half a bee

I have been so distracted today that if you were here you'd think I really did have ADD... but consciously choosing to bounce from thing and activity to another is very different from losing focus and unintentionally wandering... I still didn't get much done, which is the same result we'd see with ADD... so there are 63 pages left in this initial babble file and fewer entries were uploaded than could have been had I not floated around the space today... Rasputin and Precious were both awake and here all day and it is Precious's birthday, so there's my excuse (and a perfect excuse it is, I mean, if I took excuses seriously and wasn't just mocking the whole obligation concept as if I needed an excuse for enjoying life and not getting online enough)...

Rasputin told me that my drivers licence number information is online and I can go here to see... I haven't gotten there yet, but that would not be good news... let me know if you find your personal information or SS# there...

so anyway, Raspy and I went out to get pie (apple and chocolate cheesecake) and ice cream (we have five different kinds cuz picking the ice cream was my job) and they had steaks and veggies and garlic bread and cheese sticks and beans for dinner (I had the breads and veggies and a couple of veggie burgers)... the phone keeps ringing with birthday wishes from all over the country and it's been a festive turning-legal birthday weekend around here and so life is good, life is fun, life is yay...

hope you've had some yay this weekend too J

rambling weekend

yup, that's right, it's a weekend for rambling... babbling, even... and you know what that means, I'm hanging behind the candoor and popping the entries out like horny Catholics pop out kids...

Rasputin and I did head out to Macaroni Grill for lunch (yum and I trusted them to make the dish I ordered {after they screwed it up the two previous times} and they got it perfect {it's amazing what a good waitress can do} so they are back in my good graces and the waitress got a 25% tip} and Raspy treated, which convers some of the money I've given Precious recently, so my wallet sighed and actually said a silent yay (it's still empty and I'm thinking of keeping it that way cuz I figure I might spend and give away less money that way)...

watching a bit of TV (Comic Relief 2006, Hide and Seek - Dakota Fanning really does creepy well, random background noise) and mostly music today... all the artists along the side bar, especially lots of Meg and Dia, of course, and others (listed in the babbles btc)...

so much fun, many giggles, and a flood of words is happening today... even a three entry tribute to the z0tl continuum (and more to come)... some rambles from here finally filled out and set free (cuz I do my best to keep it brief here cuz that's what this blog is about)... and more new stuff...

so now, I'm heading back over to upload more...

hope you're having much fun this weekend :)

morning sleepy

only four hours and I woke in the dark chill (it's close to 40 degrees outside... Farhenheit, even) and felt like sitting up so I came out to listen to music... maybe it's the empty place without the TV on that lets me turn up the music without headphones that has me sitting up... the playlist so far this morning has been:

Live, Bob Seger, Billy Joel, Cartel, Say Anything, Brand New, Circa Survive, The Spill Canvas, and Meg & Dia

and while the longing to share mornings like this cuddled up is ever present, this is one of those mornings I am revelling in some solitary time in solitary space... so even as I sit here wandering myspace (which seems to be an almost daily habit these days) and nodding off for brief seconds between clicks of the mouse, I am basking in a bit of morning sunshine that's slipping over the horizon and into my window and loving the all by myself peace and music...

hope your day starts out as well :)

LOVE

LOVE

interested or not

I am still out here, even when I am not finding what I am looking for, even when I see things I don't want to see, even when I am not feeling as possitive as I want to be... cuz when I walk away, I won't be here anymore... and, at least for me, being not here is not as much fun as being here...

life, not blogging, is what that thought is about...

today is Harry Chapin's birthday...

and tomorrow at this moment it will be exactly twenty-six years that I was driving home from work and I took a detour because the man on the radio said John Lennon was shot... and I still listen to the radio...

but I seldom watch the news...

today, sixty-five years ago was a day that will live in infamy... sixty-five is also the accepted retirement age in our culture... maybe it is time to retire the memories of glory and, instead, be more honest about our feelings of loss and pain and suffering... there is nothing glorious about a battlefield covered in human blood, most from bodies not yet alive twenty six years... nothing to feel good about... nothing to be proud of...

no more than the three year old feels some odd joy in having broken his favorite toy, giving a momentary rush of some sense of control and power, only to cry afterward... but the three year old does not understand the mixed emotions of his destructive ways...

do we understand ours?...

meanwhile, in the RealTime™... my office is starting to smell like fish... I got another fish award at work today from another of the directors... feels good...

I napped when I got home... feels good...

I feel lonely... and that feels good too because I know is is the best sign that I am not giving up on sharing life... lonely is a feeling like disappointment, a feeling dependant upon wanting, an unfulfilled desire and an unsatisfied expectation... for me, wanting is better than apathy... but deeper still, it is a feeling based on hope... hope that sharing will happen again... and faith in the belief that I am worth knowing, trusting, and sharing a life with...

even if I end some sentences with a preposition or what not from time to time...

good night John, wherever you are, even if you are just a memory in my mind...

good night Harry, wherever you are, even if you are just a feeling in my heart...

and good night all of you, interested or not, even if you are not here...

and make love, not war.

and if I fall asleep, then what?...

...perchance to dream?...
but I don't remember dreaming while asleep, I remember dreaming while awake...

...cuz the mind needs sleep?...
who said?...

...to rejuvenate the cells ability to perform the kreb cycle?...

oTo
o help!...

meanwhile, in RealTime™, I got about four hours sleep and we made it up to Tallahassee by just before 11am, dropped Precious at the hospital (it's her step dad's dad and we don't know the family so sent well-wishes and didn't stay), and then went for lunch... she was able to see him and he recognized her voice (his eyes are not doing well) and she spent an hour with him and then an hour with her grandmother and we left about 1:15am for home... got back here about a half hour ago... Rasputin's fast asleep... oddly, he got more sleep last night than he usually does, but he is catching up and has a very long way to go... not everybody needs as little sleep as me and cutething, after all... Precious slept in the car on the way back and started into her room, but then, as usual, her phone rang and the three musketeers picked her up (well, at least two of them did) and she said something about dinner... and me, I'm here at the computer wondering: to sleep or not to sleep (and a long soliloquy could follow, but I wouldn't want to be too derivative...

the cable company called while we were at a rest stop switching drivers (my turn) and I paid my cable bill... I've got them trained to give me a courtesy call every other month, isn't that cool?... well, it is if it's not going down as a late payment on my credit report... the phone company did that a while back too, I think... I think that part of customer service ought to be calling when a payment is due... I mean, they have the choice between paper billing and electronic billing and automatic payments, right?... well, I choose a third choice, call me billing... I think it'll revolutionize the bill collecting industry and all services industries... instead of having the billing departments fill out forms and sent out bills and report to credit agencies and do more paperwork and legwork and waste all that time and tree, just call the customer who chooses call me billing and get authorization for the payment on the credit card or checking account you already have on file... it's the logical customer service step between electronic billing and automated billing for the customer who wants to know the date the payment comes out of their account in case an adjustment is needed... it takes the fewest man-hours and is the fastest way to collect a payment short of automatic billing...

I'm gonna go babble now before I come up with any other Earth shaking ideas...

hope life is dancing a jig tonight J

waiting for the hot water

yes, I know... I will be up in less than six hours and on the road in a car for ten hours tomorrow, but this is not how I intended it to be... after babbling a bit, I was all set to head into a shower and go to bed (to sleep, even) when Precious came out to do the dishes... as this is a bi-weekly event, if we're lucky, and there were dishes in the sink from Thanksgiving, I wasn't interfering in the process...

so while waiting for the hot water heater to heat up some more hot water, I took the time to babble on behind the candoor and since I did that, I came here to say hello to anyone checking in... today was a good day at work, with yet another of the managers (Admissions) seeking my assistance so use Access or Excel to help him organize information and produce better reports... it's a two part project, a new form and a new database and the form is done and the database shell is done and will be filled out and detailed (queries, forms, reports) later this week (which isn't bad for something brought to me after 4pm)... and another (Staffing Coordinator) needed help getting her email working and her contacts set up... and our wonder dog was visiting again and he's learning to stay and wait in the office even with the door open (training him reminds me of my Happy Dog and how she'd walk beside me off leash around downtown Toronto and Kensington Market without getting into any trouble... sigh, Toronto... I was missing her a lot today)... and I even got a bunch of my own work done and sent some essential emails...

Rasputin called to see if I could pick up Precious at the library and I headed there and somehow paid for $10 worth of copies, $10 worth of Taco Bell, and $10 in the 7-11, and $10 at Donato's... we can only hope Rasputin knows he will be paying for food tomorrow cuz I would have probably come home and eaten veggie burgers without spending a dime... and not eaten the burrito or shrimp or pizza or candy bars I somehow found in my hands along the way...

dang bad influences (who me?)...

and on that note, I take my tongue, cheek, and the rest of me to the showers and then, to bed... maybe I'll get five hours sleep... and we'll surely be pigging out on Code Red tomorrow... and the body says, "fool must think I'm immortal"... and the giggles sail off into the sunset as I close this blog for the night...

may you love today, and love well J

I'll just go to sleep now

since I haven't gotten a full eight hours sleep in longer than I can remember (or is that just senility kicking in?)... we'll be heading up to Tallahassee on Wednesday to let Precious see her grandfather who's in the hospital on his third stroke, so this might be the last time I get the chance at a long sleep this week...

and I turn kids into numbers better when I am not a zombie...

hope you are loving your life and wish I had the power to make things better... and more time too... sending love out in every direction, hoping some of it touches you...

nite nite...

what's it all about, Alf?

once again an old song triggers a title that starts an entry, but if the question is specifically what this blog is all about, then the question and it's potential for inspiring aimless rambling is precisely not when this blog is about...

brevity, remember brevity?...

ah yes, this is the RealTime™ blog where I come regularly (anytime, but often) to pass along the bits and pieces of life happening as I live it offline in RealTime™... so far from that idea I have wandered... no wonder btc is so dormant (though the btc file is up over 70 pages of un-uploaded babble now)...

so I just woke (and I mean just... eyes still blurry) and come out to find the TV on (Jerry Lewis was talking to Dean Martin in wild west outfits), the lights on, and nobody in the living room or kitchen or anywhere to be seen and nobody responding when I call out "anybody home?"... just another day as usual... so I turn everything off (even though I used to go bonkers loving old Jerry Lewis movies, a bit of silence or music is good for the head now and then, and for the wallet too, especially when nobody is paying any attention to the electric bill but me) and come here to catch up and realize I've not been using this blog as I intended and, well, this is where we came in...

since the last entry, I uploaded an update to btc (actually, I did that at the same time, maybe even before, the last entry here) and as it says as that entry over there concludes, I continued riding the latest expansion of the web world I egomaniacally call mine (yes, another new blog was born... did you miss the 76 trombones in the big parade and announcement?... surely you wondered when everything is covered in ticker-tape today)... easy to click links will follow eventually. but for now, the casual mentions, nonchalant obscurity, and treasure hunt (cuz there are links somewhere in the ramblings of the past couple of days since the expansion began) is more fun for me...

college football (with all the shocking upsets {USC-UCLA} and mediocre play (FL-ARK) and chase for records (ORE-HAWAII) and various other dramas) was on in the background for most of yesterday... I spent the last however many hours since the last entry (until falling over and sleeping a wonderful long sleep and waking and coming here) babbling and rhyming and wandering myspace...

I've noticed a correlation between the number of minutes I spend wandering and sending out Add Requests at myspace and the activity in my social and romantic dreamer departments of my brain... the more social energy I create (creating a desire for more social life and interaction) and the more romantic energy I create {creating a desire for more desire and romantic interaction), the more wandering {and even browsing and searching, the higher intensity levels of wandering} I do and the more Add Requests I sent out... though they (the two internal energies) can be mutually exclusive, they occurred simultaneously this time creating a feeding frenzy in which I was searching for potential (and perhaps even probable, that is, people of high probability) to be friends or romantic interests over at myspace...

we can explore the statistical analysis of the probability factors and such further details in some babbling entry over where the babbling belongs (hey, I did it, I stopped the madness and turned around and segued back into brevity... sort of), for now, that is the RealTime™ report for the moment... except for the eggplant rollatini pizza and sub I ordered to go with the Code Red for the sleep-deprivation party the two energies was throwing for the past 30-odd hours... yum)...

so yesterday was devoted to dreaming and tossing bottles with my address in them into the cyber oceans... and the ensuing party that always accompanies and follows such energy bursts...

now that (last line) is the kind of brevity I'm talking about (see?)...

hope you are having uber-fun too J

the kind of fool I am

or: Anthony Newley eat your heart out J

here in RealTime™ I am a fool to turn to the obscurity and elusiveness I play in the babbling brook that is behind the candoor... there I am trusting the muses and leaving myself open to every vulnerability, to any insecurity, to every possibility... there I leave any real power at the door and submit to the winds of chance, to the will of the free associative instincts and influences that I do not claim as my own, but express in words as well as I am able...

but here in RealTime™ I am not supposed to play... here in RealTime™ I am supposed to stop and focus on the real and decide what is true and share the facts of life as I know it, as I live it in the flesh and blood world of real time... and so why should I feel any fear or trepidation in sharing what I do, I mean... what if I experiment or explore some ideas or if I spend my time doing something that is different enough to be suspect or laughed at by the norms of this culture?...

what if I think or do something that might be a waste of time in your mind, or worse, what if I think or do something that you might consider wrong...

and I come to the real...

I write here to share myself with you, not to please you, not to cater to you, not to win you over or earn your respect or seek your judgment...

your opinion does matter to me and I feel powerfully good when I read support or praise or positive words about what I write... that you might accept me as real and worthy of your respect and admiration, that you might believe in me helps me keep hope alive that my dreams really could come true, that there are real people in this world who respect honesty and who believe in sharing as I do...

but if I never read or hear another word, if I never see another sign of feedback, that would not change me...

so why be the fool who hides?... why be the fool who pretends not to feel when feeling is what life is about?... why be the fool who accepts the slow dying that comes from turning off senses and ignoring sensations and repressing emotions and looking past the precious inspirations that are all around us every moment...

and inside...

when I am alone, yes, I dream... I fantasize... I feel my dreams just as if it was the first time I am dreaming them... I do not turn away because time feels so long it becomes a burden... I do not empower time as a burden and fill it with fear and doubt and despair over the perception of failure just because my dream of sharing and loving is not happening in every way it could...

I remember that my dream of sharing and loving is coming true in many ways every moment of every day... in my work, sharing and loving is very real and intensely emotional... and in my aloneness I keep it just as real even if no one shares the intimacy such realness can become...

loneliness?... yes it is real... and yes, I empower it sometimes... but only when I want to use it to create some rhyme, some song expressing an emotion we might share... or when I am a fool and forget I do not have to empower it to despair...

I should remember, keeping it real, that I do not have to do that...

so in this year of 2006 as it approaches 2007 I am alone in the most important moments of life when the intimacy of true love rushes through me and the potential of falling in love becomes real... and as I have done in previous years, I choose to remember times when such love was real and I let the memories inspire the feelings and let the feelings come out in words and if that is odd or laughable or a waste of time for anyone, oh well, change the channel... it is the best I can do in the moment...

so in this moment in RealTime™ I am paying tribute to the memories and reliving the emotions and most of all, experiencing the realness of feeling it all again... and that's the best I can do until someone comes along to share RealTime™ again...

and so because the kind of fool I am is the kind who resists hiding because hiding leads to pretense and the unreal and the kind of fool I am is the kind who wants to keep it real all the time at least somewhere in the moments that become this life... if you have the time and really want to know, for the past 24 hours or so, the realest RealTime™ I can feel has been here...

yay for the fearless exposure of everything inside of me because that is as real as I can be...

and whatever you decide to do, if you make it real too, yay for you J

still no sleep

ok, an hour, I slept an hour this morning after rambling on about Zoes at myspace and putting in some quality time at The Social Orlando blog (inviting two well connected semi-Orlandonians to post there) and celebrating yet another anniversary of the first of December ( again) by opening yet another blog space that has not been linked up anywhere yet and after six magical moments poured six entries into it, I power napped (hey, aren't I cool?) that hour in the big green chair and then headed out to work...

about twenty ounces of Code Red later, after work, I showered and ordered a pizza and sub and ate to my palate's content with a another 32 ounce Code Red, then lamented missing the No Snow Show (sigh), but enjoyed the One Act Play (and even stayed awake) that I chose over the great concert because Precious was TD (Technical Director)... wonderful tear-jerking play about life in a German concentration camp in world war II...

and then, or sort of now, after the play, there is the 64 ounces of Cherry Mountain Dew Slurpee I just drank while listening to Rasputin's CD of 70's soft rock songs (the likes of Burton Cummings Stand Tall, Kenny Nolan I Like Dreaming, Paul Davis I Go Crazy, Randy Van Warner Just When I Needed You Most, Dan Hill Sometimes When We Touch, Terry Jacks Seasons in the Sun, Leo Sayer When I Need You, 10cc I'm Not In Love and others of similar ilk not polite in Smash's crowd, but still part of my musical history) that I remember oh so emotionally bitter sweetly, heavy on the sweet syrup and now, The Princess Bride sends the emotional high through the roof... perhaps there are no coincidences, but whatever, this December 1st could only have been more amazing if I somehow got to the No Snow Show and it was even more amazing than I imagined it might be...

on a side note, I was discussing ideal concert lineups with Precious last night after she came out of her room bouncing up and down because she just discovered that Fall Out Boy is coming back to Orlando in January... I impulsively chose the following line up: Brandtson, Meg & Dia, Nada Surf, The Spill Canvas, Say Anything, Brand New, and a closing act yet to be decided... just in case you were wondering about this, now you know...

and now, I listen to The Princess Bride and let the inspiration of sleep deprivation, the first of December, the Dew, syrupy 70s ballads, the emotionally draining One Act Play, the positive feedback at myspace, the search for Zoë, The Social Orlando, the new as yet unlinked blogspot blog called onceinlove (ooooo, did I just give away it's location?), eggplant rollitini pizza, your wonderful comments, and all the intangibles not thought of or mentioned take me where it will...

and loving every minute of it...