lost in the details

I suppose it can get to seem to be that way sometimes, or at least feel like it is, whatever that means, but that's ok because the cream rises to the top, but even then, still sours more quickly than powdered milk, and still, can turn into yogurt and cheese...

but before we get too lost in the obscurity (which may be the opposite of getting lost in the details, even if it's too late), I reflect on z (which appears in my latest newest concept for a blog which I won't mention much, maybe, because it's purpose is to be a referral archive and not a blog of it's own nature if you follow the concept of saving blog entries I link in that blog space so the links in my entries will not be broken if the original blog entry is deleted as I've long since learned so often is the case on this www, but this parenthese distracts from the point and the reflecting I was about to relate, so it shall end {the parentheses, not the reflection, I hope} now)...

I am sometimes amused, sometimes amazed, sometimes puzzled, sometimes saddened to find the consistency in human behavior that so much mind energy is devoted to repetitive processes... perhaps there is virtue in the old adage that practice makes perfect and those who seek perfection can take some solace or even pride in the redundancy of human actions and that may be one reason I am not always saddened or puzzled too much and perhaps even pleased at times, but then, my reaction is moot in the big picture and even more to the point, in my reflection when I attempt true objectivity (which may be an impossible dream, but I enjoy the perceived impossible sometimes and then, isn't that my chosen redundant behaviors after all)...

so the music repeats itself even as the songs change... even as the singers and musicians change... even as the languages change... even as the times change... and the cartoons repeat themselves much the same... and the philosophies, that's the most ironic redundancy of all as we, with our advanced technological perspectives and evolved minds, still ponder the nature of life, the universe, and everything as if the answer has not been stated repeatedly in almost infinite ways since the dawn of time as we know time... and those of us to are seeking enlightenment (and those who are considered enlightened) continue to reiterate the same merry-go-round of thought as if we still haven't gotten it just right (and by this very action, perhaps prove it)...

still, it turns me on...

most of the time, at least... and I wonder how many of the teachers and prophets and wise men and sages who stand up to lead others in their quest for something more really understand the attempt to teach in and of itself is an obstacle to the enlightenment the supposed students seek... but few, if any, have the will (or courage) to leave the temple, to stop the rhetoric, to smile and go on living and leave the students to do the same (which is the ultimate lesson, living is learning, that only begins when all the teaching stops)... for teaching, in it's nature, subjugates a group to be students being lead by another... and an enlightened life, in it's nature, frees an individual to open his/her own mind to lead him/her to live in the moment and learn by living...

it is not that I can not learn from others, it is that the only true learning comes when I am my own teacher welcoming what others can offer as fellow students, not as entitled, subjective or worse, falsely empowered stereotypes...

but what of RealTime™ (we all wonder at once)...

perhaps next time :)

but I'm not Andy Rooney

so I'm munching on some cereal and trail mix (with added pistachio nuts cuz I like to add things to make snacks different)... I found the stuff on the healthy shelves next to the Kashi cereal... it's definitely delicious, in fact, more snack-like than healthy cereal tasting, so I decided to gander at the ingredients (let's all frolick over and gander with me, shall we?)...

organic whole grain oats, naturally milled organic sugar, organic whole grain wheat, organic tapioca syrup, crisp rice, crisp brown rice, almond pieces, sea salt, organic molasses, organic malted barley extract, organic vanilla flavor, Vitamin E (to preserve freshness)

it's Vanilla Almond Crunch brought to me by Cascadian Farm (from Sedro-Wooley, Washington, 98284)... they are quite proud of their product and seem much excited to tell me (on the back of the box) that "Back in 1972, in the pristine North Cascades mountains of Washington state, they started growing organic fruits and vegetables at Cascadian Farm" (which is a registered trademark, by the way)...

organic is such a healthy sounding word... but reading the ingredients above, between all the organics, I see an amazing amount of sugar for a health food store product, aye?... yeah, the label says 41 grams (and 16 grams of sugar) per serving... and that's 3/4 cup... not much of a breakfast, 3/4 cup... and a can of Coke has less carbs... no wonder it tasted so good to my decadent taste buds (who thought it was some sort of crunchy candy)...

but then there's Nature Trail Mix brought to me by Sam (of Wal-Mart fame)... it only has 10 carbs (and 5 grams of sugar) per serving, which is 1/4 cup... but it's a trail mix, marketed as a snack food, not a breakfast cereal... it contains soybeans, pepitas, sunflower kernals, raisins, almonds, and cherries... unfortunately it does not pass the Vegan test as it is packed on the same equipment as milk and egg products, but at least there's a label that says that which is a big help for the would be Vegan...

the nomenclature (and semantics) chosen for marketing such products is so typical of our culture... and while I'd like to think that there's some sort of master plan, like someone really thought through the bigger picture to do the right thing by us poor mortals, it's mostly random I think... for instance, the pepitas in the trail mix... pepitas, in case you didn't know, are pumpkin seeds... why they could not just list pumpkin seeds is a question Sam Walton may have taken to his grave, or else he was just imitating another trail mix and matching it ingredient for ingredient which his crew is very good at...

according to Wikipedia, pepitas is the Mexican name for pumpkin seeds,,, so maybe Old Sam is going for the Mexican or spanish market a bit, but the irony is that the pepitas come from China... hopefully they are not sprayed with a lead based paint to make their color more vibrant... they are kinda shiney, come to think of it... anyway, the Trail Mix is quite international, actually... besides the pepitas, the raisins are from the US, Chile, Argentina, South Africa, and/or Mexico... these raisins have been around... the rest of the ingredients are apparently from the U.S.A. as they are not specifically identified as being from elswhere...

it's good to know that Sam guarantees my satisfaction and will gladly provide me with a full refund if I am not completely satisfied... I've never been completely satisfied, but that may be beyond Sam's intended guarantee... Cascadian Farm doesn't offer such a guarantee... they do welcome my questions and comments at a toll free number between Monday and Friday 7:30-5:30 CT... I assume CT means the Central Time zone... I wonder why they want me to call the Central Time zone when they are clearly from the pristine North Cascades mountains of Washington state, but then, they are not in at the moment to be asked...

as I was writing this I started to feel like I was starting to sound/read a little like Andy Rooney... without the ticking... maybe you noticed too and are laughing with me or maybe you notice now that I mention it... or maybe you'd notice if you re-read it with his voice and intonations in your head, if you even know who I am talking about... but I am not Andy Rooney and I have proof... we frolicked over to gander at the label, remember?... well, Andy Rooney may have done a fair share of gandering in his day, but I assure you, Andy Rooney does not frolick... he ponders way too much to he's much too sedentary for that...

and that's the way it is in this entry for Saturday, September 29th, 2007... good night and have a pleasant tomorrow...



P.S... for interested parties, and especially for the Q and z components, I offer a slightly more in depth pondering of the computer question in my response comment to the previous entry, in case you didn't know it was there now that this entry has appeared... and have no fear, we shall all return to our regularly scheduled more broad stroked daily life RealTime™ babbling any day now, probably tomorrow, even, in case you wondered what went on in life today (college football, the Chinese buffet, shopping after midnight, it's Saturday and I still like with Rasputin and Precious, after all) and whatever else is new...

oh, and nevermind the stolen TV anchor sign off lines, especially if you missed the references cuz, you know, the great and powerful Witard of Odd has written...

nite nite :)

catching up, sorta

yeah, people are strange, that's the only constant I've found to be constant in this life... and you don't even have to be a stranger, it's just as constant when you are a friend... but Jim Morrison references aside, and before we step into the slide zone with the Moody Blues (cuz isn't life strange, after all), let's catch up on the RealTime™ for a change...

so work work work is mostly what I do lately... and watch some TV and browse the web and not much focusing of mind... college football takes up much time this time of year as it's almost always on TV... and a few other shows get my attention... and life is lazy, mostly, though there have been signs of waking up again this week... October is going to be a whole lot busier what with eight or more concerts and a few shows and

just returning from another run (does that make three this week?... well, getting there), right exhausted as I've not been getting any extended sleep and the metabolism has slowed in the past month and today started some eighteen hours ago... it's coming up on 2am in these parts and the world is kind of foggy on both sides of my eyes...

once again, my belly full but me hungry... but since curling up alone isn't appealing at the moment and there's no one to cuddle up with and trust with my dreams as I fall asleep in their arms (how romantic, or child-like, depending on points of view), I come here to babble a bit...

I mean catch up in RealTime™...

I've been shopping craigslist for computer for the past two weeks and I'm not finding much responsiveness to my offers as I am offering less than asking prices because the prices are rather high... a few guys wrote me back explaining that they are not pricing or building machines for geeks, but rather for a target market of mostly computer illiterate people don't really know prices or components... I may get one of them to help me build the super machine I might talk myself into building, but then, I might build a cheaper machine too... and then there's the laptop idea... if I can find a decent used on I'll grab it, but people seem to be asking a lot for old crap that I used to find at computer shows for less than half what people are asking...

whatever happened to those computer shows...

ok, I drifted away to craigslist and I just found one, October 6 & 7, right on time for me to pick up a decent used laptop for my big one night stay in Oklahoma City (surprisingly, not one fan has has called yet, don't they have phones in Oklahoma?)...

when did I become such a cheap tightwad?...

oh yeah, that homeless time... somewhere back in my memory I remember the 80's when I was earning more than I earn these days and had a nice stock portfolio and simply bought whatever I wanted... ah, the good old days of the Atari ST1040... I hope it still works when I unpack it someday... and I found a C-64 on craigslist, by the way...

I think RealTime™ is slipping away again, so I'll call this entry over and out and get to writing the previous one that I forgot to write yesterday cuz I thought it was Wednesday (what, me tired?)...

don't forget to frolick!

we've all got our standards and practices

so I show up online at all sorts of odd hours and I stare at the screen wondering where everybody might be, knowing most of the world is asleep, so i probably shouldn't call them... most of the world, that is... and though a few might be awake, I don't know which few those few might be, so I don't call anybody... as if the phone and I have a user friendly relationship anyway...

in fact, an old friend (speaking of phones), who you might remember as Helena, popped back into the phone after years of silence... she does that, drops people for reasons she feels are valid and then suddenly pops back up as if time didn't pass and she didn't ignore the last dozen phone calls asking "what did I do?"... but apparently I didn't get back to her message fast enough and a day or two later got a text telling me how disatisfied she was with my not calling back within the one or two day period she set as a maximum satisfactory period and I suppose I'm dropped again as she ended with have a nice life...

she might have meant it less dismissively than I read it, but what can I say... I pick up the phone when I am awake and have time to talk... I call back poorly... especially in the middle of the week... people either deal with it or write me off... friends deal with it... there is that whole trauma thing (long story) that makes personal phone calls still a trigger for me, after all... yeah sure, i make light of it, but it is still very real and i still avoid the phone more often than not, but hey, that's my issue and you make if it what you want... believe the truth, that it is not a personal rejection of you or anyone, or make it what it isn't and react as you want to... i have no control over that... i know my intentions are harmless...

anyway, most of my free home time this week (which was less than usual cuz I stayed at work late and started running again), I computer shopped online... yes, I'm obsessed with finding another computer... if this guy responds, I might buy one of these:

That's right!!! A COMPLETE DELL "SMALL FORM FACTOR" OPTIPLEX COMPUTER SYSTEM FOR ONLY $80!!!
THEY WILL NEVER BE THIS CHEAP AGAIN!!!
INTEL 815 MOTHERBOARD WITH 1GHZ (1000MHZ)PROCESSOR
256MB SDRAM
20 GIG WESTERN DIGITAL HARD DRIVE
INTEL 815 INTEGRATED AGP GRAPHICS
SOUND BLASTER LIVE AUDIO
17" DELL CRT MONITOR
3COM 10/100 NIC
4 USB PORTS
MULTIMEDIA KEYBOARD
HP SCROLL MOUSE
WINDOWS XP PRO INSTALLED
OFFICE XP PROFESSIONAL INSTALLED
SPYBOT SEARCH AND DESTROY
AVG ANTIVIRUS
60 DAY DEFECTIVE PARTS WARRANTY!!!
THIS COMPUTER REALLY IS JUST $80!!
HURRY!!!
CALL CHRIS AT . . . - . . . - . . . .

not cuz he's shouting, but I figure it's better than I've got and just $80 with a monitor and XP Pro and Office Pro installed... I figure I can put more RAM into it cheap and get an external hard drive if I want to load up music, though I realize it's still an old machine... I'm gonna call him tomorrow...

I'm also considering checking these out:

BUY ONE----->> OR BUY THE BULK-------->> (for a great deal.)
Buy these name brand computers (with or without monitors and keyboards) for dirt cheep.
----> Great computers in great conditions---- $100.00 Each ----> Or buy the bulk for ($850.00) (Dell, Power Macintosh, I-Mac’s, Compaq, ESQ and Premio.) ----> 2 Power Mac G3 desktop computers --- $475.00 or $250.00 Each ((includes Monitor and Keyboard))
----Accessories---- - - (PC & Mac Monitors with or without speakers $50.00 - $75.00 (obo), Keyboards Mac’s and PC’s, Mouse’s $10.00)
and / or
3 working computers, 3 monitors, 2 printers 3 keyboards win/98se
Gateway/Dell/HP Pentium II's
New Dell Printer, never used paid 100
New HP lightscribe DVD burner in box, Misc software, Paid 75
Pick them all up today for a $100!

there's also a Mac G4 offered for $200 and I emailed the guy and hope to hear from him cuz I'd like to play with a Mac... and a couple of laptops I emailed about as well... yeah, so I've been giving up sleep to wander the web in search of cheap computers... I'll probably end up with a few and put off the mega $2000 machine (at least this moment seems to be leaning me in that direction, but who knows what tomorrow's winds will do)...

if it turns out to be a waste (cuz I still don't have enough memory or speed to handle the browsing and music stuff I want to do), it'll be a learning lesson and I'll have a better idea of just how much memory, speed, and power I actually need to do what I want to do on a computer... cuz, after all, I'll never be completely satisfied cuz there's always something new and better popping up every few months...

so that's the news from the zombie (it's really time for sleep, but so much to do, to think, to feel, to write, to share... alone, but hopeful, and I dont want to miss a thing, ya know?)... remember to pass the word to Oklahoma... and to anyone else interested... or at least anyone else with patience and a love of mental roller coasters...

nite nite :)

roller coaster ride #72649

(you flash brilliance here)

it was just after midnight when I looked down and noticed I had a cut on my finger... it wasn't fresh, it stung and had the thin rid rim of slight infection, but I had no idea when or how it got there... I brushed my thumb over it to be sure and yes, it stung, it was there all right...

the clock on the wall shouted out nothing, as if time stood still... the breeze agreed, for there was none... no movement at all in the world outside the window, a still life painting of treetops and dark sky with a few faint stars scratched in it... paint chips falling from a ceiling...

I went out for a run wondering if I would ever return...

fifty-eight minutes and forty-three point seventy-one seconds later, I died... no wait, that's another story... in this story, I returned from a run mostly intact, but burning with fatigue and puffy from bloat... there I was, finishing up a report no one asked me to write because we were ranked sixth out of ninety in the state for the fiscal year in percentage of patients who made progress and I stayed two hours late to finish up a justification for an improvement plan that sets a goal to do better in this coming fiscal year and I grab my salad and head home just as Precious calls suggesting Kentucky Fried chicken...

I hem and haw, pick and ponder, and finally saw, "naaa, I don't think so..." truer words were never spoken because I sure don't think, so... I saw them pulling into KFC just as I was approaching and so I stopped and met them and made an entirely too self-indulgent a pig of myself... ever so bloated later, I wandered over to myspace to catch up on a bit of reading while nodding in and out of Carborado (the El Dorado of carbohydrates) and was inspired by a few of my favorite distractions (and I use the term quite endearingly, most sincerely, and much appreciatively) to pick myself up and head out the door in spite of being in a dragging bloated zombie state... thanks Jenny and Sharon and Cali, even if you don't know I thank you here...

of course you guys help enormously too cuz you keep me grounded cuz I know you'll be here to pick me up if I pass out, laugh it I don't (but fall over anyway), and you'll dance if I die... good morning, good morning, yeah...

and was this the night I was to get to bed early and sleep long and deep?... instead, I picked myself up just after midnight and dragged my heavy feet around the neighborhood four times... a mediocre almost fifteen minutes a lap when some voice in my head is laughing at the tears my heart sheds for knowing I should be doing the four laps in twenty five minutes, maybe less... I shudder to think how many miles the course I run really is and forget to clock it on the odometer as I park my car after work each evening... please let it be more than four miles or I am beyond pathetic... but nevertheless, even at this body's advanced years, I will not be satisfied until I am running six minute miles again... and perhaps I will never again be satisfied in that way in this life... tell me there are other ways and I might believe again, someday...

and then, I wrote in a comment somewhere:

perhaps it is as simple as understanding that life is a journey that ends in death and doing nothing leads more directly to death, while doing something, making choices, grabbing the steering wheel of your life and turning in the directions you want to explore slows the process of dying and that is what we call living...

fill that glass of life and when it gets half full, ignore those who claim it is half empty and rejoice in the awareness that it is it's simply time to fill it again :)

and the roller coaster ride just keeps on rolling...

it was some time back in the late eighties that I corresponded with a great big gay guy from Oklahoma City named Tristan McCauley... I'll let you wonder if that was his real name, or if he was ever real himself, but in fact he eventually moved San Francisco to find bliss, or nirvana, or something, and then got lost during my mid-nineties disappearance (when I put Toronto and love and family ahead of everything else, including myself, and we all know how that turned out... or at least some of you do) along with hundreds of others I loved exchanging words with... he was one of the longest and closest pen pal friends I ever had... addresses, if they are still valid (like who lives at the same address for twenty years anymore?), are lost in Toronto (and possibly packed in one of many hundreds of boxes in storage just north of Niagara Falls...

Niagara Falls!...

slowly I turn...

Well, I used to have a lover once, I used to have a friend
How in the hell you ever find one?
My song is almost over now, my story's at an end
You lived yourself a good life but a blind one.

Well I've hidden there up on the shelf
And it's funny how you've kept it all for yourself
Hey honey, could there ever be,
Should there ever be,
Could there ever be something else?

thank you, Harry

for the reminder... and I wonder if I will ever be able to access the many thousands of letters and rhymes I wrote and stored on Atari floppy disks way back then... alas, sigh, and more alas, when I think about the loss of the potential that might have come from all those words had I not buried them... up on the shelf...

I am such a creative genius, after all...

yeah, so what else is new?... I get home from work and sit back in the big green chair and can nod off till morning if I'm not interrupted, but I haven't had an evening (or night) without interruption in weeks, at least... like Monday night... and I could have joined the local movie meetup just twenty or so minutes down the road in watching Jodie Foster's new movie and snacking at The Cheesecake Factory afterwards... sure, I don't need the expense or the calories (or the temptation), but I sure could enjoy the potential of finding friends who share more of my interests and activities and energy levels...

writing about it is a step towards getting back to doing it, or so the theory goes... after all, I might actually run yesterday (figure that sentence out and you may actually start understanding me and my writing process a bit better)...

maybe I should just head over to myspace and distract myself with hopes and dreams of stumbling across the one again...

or more likely, I sit and wait for a site to load that never loads and forces me to shut down and restart the computer... these are the nights (and evenings) of the times of the life these days... which is exactly what just happened...

I think I'll eat some worms...

aren't I worth knowing?
aren't I worth loving?
aren't I worth introducing to your friends?
or not
maybe you're ashamed of me
maybe I'm not good enough
for your company
or your sister
what if I kissed her?

aren't I worth meeting?
aren't I worth reading?
aren't I someone to tell your friends about?
oh why
am I not finding more
sharing that I'm looking for
what's wrong with me
can you tell me
why won't you sell me?

people tell me life is all about networking
so I put myself out there, right here, here I am
and I leave you all messages wishing you well
I read you, I listen and respond cuz I care
can't you tell?
doesn't it matter?
there, that feels better... nothing like a little pity party to get the stupid out and get me back to laughing confidence and not feeling like I need something outside of myself so much... so the pendulum swings back to fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" and "it's their loss" and I go back to happily frolicking in the fields of my dreams with or without you... not you personally, mind you, cuz I know you're there and you care and I appreciate you... self-pathetic poor me crap comes from the generic me to the generic you, if you know what I mean...

I appreciate me... you do too... so if the other seven billion people on the planet don't, oh well, their loss... the opportunity to add one or some new friends in Oklahoma City still remains anyway, so don't forget to call everyone you know in the mid-west (or is that the great plains?) and tell them I'm coming... preferably somebody who isn’t afraid of roller coasters, ya know?... and then if they don't show up at the airport with seventy six trombones and a big parade, their loss... yup, there's just not enough of me to go around sometimes...

when did humans forget how to have fun, anyway?...

just an Okie from Orlando

I haven't heard from Oklahoma City yet... apparently my many fans from Oklahoma are either shy or busy on the 22nd... maybe they think I'm unapproachable or something... or just too full of it to take seriously (shhhh, don't tell ego)... I'll forgive them for their sins and remind them that the window of opportunity is October 22nd, afternoon and evening (and all night long if they've got the right stuff... ooo, baby, it truly must be getting beyond obvious that I am simply watching just way too much Family Guy no doubt)...

yeah, tell the Okies the crazy one is coming...

ah yes, the mightly oak, tall, proud, firm, solid, sensual, nature's erection reaching up to make hot wet tree-love to the sky... don't everybody look up at once... meanwhile, I was all set to fall asleep watching TV last night, though I was determined to stay awake and watch Heros (and not just for the cheerleader, but I do love the way she runs) and I started out great, nodding off before 7pm, when the phone rang (or was it a text message... whatever, it woke me) and there was dear Precious looking for a ride home from work... I offered her a ride home from the bus, which still meant waking and driving and not getting the long catch up sleep that would have been so sweet and useful...

she texted back that her phone was dying and she got out at 9:30, so right after heros I headed out to the bus stop and sure enough, no Precious... I drove around a bit and called her number, only to find it was off... a few minutes later she calls to tell me she's home... I don't know if she took the bus or got a ride, but she did screw up my sleep once again... and as usual, no thank you, no acknowledgement at all that I was driving around looking for her cuz she asked for a ride and didn't have the simple respect to put change in a phonebooth and tell me she didn't need it...

she can be so ungrateful and disrespectful, it's really sad... but then, I just need to look around at the space I live in to see how little she respects me... so why does she have me listed as her hero on her myspace?... humans are the most confusing animals...

anyway, I watched TV instead of sleeping and instead of eating the salad and veggie burgers and leaving it at that, I ate a bunch of Hershey's Milk Chocolate Truffles... they are so good, but they also destroyed my intent to drop a pound or two this week... so I'l start again today, or tomorrow, or someday... if only the cheerleader was here running around inspiring me, she would probably get me to sit up and take notice of the reality of my awareness and what I do... but alas, I know not what I do (or so I appear) so I forgive me for my sins too...

they just don't appreciate the genius...

maybe I should want sex more and then I'd attract the bodies more active and ready for it... seems the whole world needs some sort of sex vitamin or hormonal suppliment these days... growth hormones, penis enlargement drugs, erectile disfunction drugs, what the heck happened to good old fashioned horniness?... doesn't it work anymore?... good grief (or gravy), they warn people about erections lasting four hours as if it's call to rush to the emergency room... I wake up erect every night and sometimes several times a night and no amount of masturbating discourages my penile functioning...

yeah, you just had to know that, didn't you...

ah, the mighty oak (if you're not laughing, you might be prudier than you thought you were)... see what the right body running the right way can do?... get me thinking all about sex and stuff... I know, I should get all suave and deboner more often here in my babbling because it makes it so much more interesting and irresistible, but I wouldn't want to overwhelm the kids out there... as if a laptop or lapdance might be enough to satisfy me, sheesh, it'll take a whole lot more commitment to physical pleasure and ethereal connecting than that, but what could humans possibly understand about alien sex...

truffles and cheerleaders are a dangerous combination on my world...

when was the last time
somebody touched you
and sent shivers up your spine?

when was the last time
somebody moved you
and took you out of your mind?

when was the last time
somebody kissed you
and made you leave everything else behind?

is this the first time
somebody loved you
and left you feeling divine?

ah, humanity, you're just not ready for hot alien action... and we might never look at the mighty oak the same way again... and let's not get started on those steroid pumped redwoods, aye?... no wonder why I haven't heard from Oklahoma City...

tune in tomorrow for more erreverence

(emoreverence, get it?)

oh poo :)

seriously serious

it happens sometimes... not often, but from time to time (or on rare occasuions) I am inspired to be seriously serious... if may be rarer than we imagine, actually, and perhaps mostly lost amidst irreverence and clouds of distracting giggles (fluffy clouds that look like bunnies and hearts and funny faces, not dark rain clouds, after all... though the near blinding flash of light shooting through the blackest storm cloud can inspire my giggles too, but then, I am perhaps stranger than most), but there are moments in which I string together several sentences of seriously serious...

I did that most recently... inspired to ponder what to say to someone who experiences the death of a mother lead me to write the following email (yes, I wrote an email... I was shocked too, but back to being seriously serious):

Hello Rick,

a beautiful spirit Cali pointed to Karen who shared the energy of your loss...

I offer a hug and I send you love - and I share my perspective on life, death, and being...

the energy of love continues through all things and our defined perception differentiating living beings and what we view as non-living beings does not stop the flow of love... I hope that you open yourself to the energy and let it help your through the loss of the physical contact with your physical birth vessel, your mother, by feeling the love she continues to send you and believe she is feeling the love you continue to send her... we can define it as memory, as spirit, as ethereal energy, as whatever we wish, but semantics only help us share belief and knowledge with those physical beings we call alive... speak with your mind, your internal energy, and she hears... listen with your mind/heart sense, and you shall too...

may this perspective be of some comfort to you at this most challenging time and throughout your life...

honest love, ric
407-325-1482

some of you might know of my final rhyme that I wrote when I was still going through puberty (or perhaps before, actually, as it's always been around in my scraps of papers) so my perspective on death may come as little surprise to you... and as a happy agnostic more than anything else, my bottom line is that I do not know what is beyond this life or beyond the current perception of the senses I access in this body... but the perspective I attempted to place into words in the email above is perhaps my favorite when I construct the possibilities of what is beyond as I would like it to be...

ultimately, I wish life to be a celebration and I wish leaving this life to be a time to celebrate having been and rejoicing in the memories that remain... of course everyone will make of it what they want to and most will probably disregard my wishes because the indoctrination into depressive dogma is so strong it defeats even the supposed respect anyone might have for a loved one (or anyone), but I can hope there are some who will rise above their fears and personal baggage and desire to be sad in order to give me one last gift...

shhhh, reverse guilt-tripping is reverse-psychology riding side-saddle and it might work if we just leave it at that, so nevermind this paragraph and whatever else might come on this subject and let the above be my final words on the subject when I am quoted...

I mean, if anything more than the rhyme itself is needed to get the celebration started...

so somewhere in your mourning, I hope you dance...

dance for the life that was real that you feel
dance for the time you remember with me
dance for the inspirations still moving you
dance me back into your reality

for I want to be a reason for your smile
so I did not waste loving you all these years
sadness only lasts for a little while
when you learn to see rainbows through your tears

I am riding the rainbows
floating on clouds
beaming with sunshine
shouting me out loud

I am singing in children
laughing in love
dancing in your mind
living above

this world was a grand time
not eternity
is waiting for your mind
to open and see

that's where I am now
that's where to find me
when you want me you'll find me riding on rainbows
riding on rainbows...
that's where I shall be
dancing for you
and always hoping
you will dance for me
dance with me

dance for the life that was real that you feel
dance for the time you remember with me
dance for the inspirations still moving you
dance me back into your reality

undiscovered genius

we've all got some, I think, probably... some of us may have more than others, but everybody's got some, or at least the potential for some... unless there's some physical restriction of electro-chemical processes in the brain, everybody's got the potential to process information and open their minds (use more brain cells than the average monkey, or dolphin, even) and bring insight to any perspective...

most of it is probably sleeping or buried under years of scars and fears that surround the scars... just imagine if we had access to all that mind power we bury out of fear... sadly, some have even turned off the imagination brain cells so all this is meaningless, moot, nonsense to them...

I think anyone with a healthy ego wants to be respected, admired, or in some way receive meaningful recognition for being... just for being... it's part of the experience of being an interactive being, to be interactive meaningfully, some recognition seems required...

me, being of abnormally ridiculously insatiably playfully (and mostly harmlessly) hungry ego while mostly simultaneously being of abnormally secure self-containment (which is not exactly the opposite, even though it may appear opposite to the uninformed eye), would most likely be considered one of the oddballs in this world (as people seem so eager to compare everything and everyone to some hypothetical norms) as I will happily accept all the attention I can get sometimes and ignore it other times even as I beg for more sometimes and disappear other times...

or maybe that's normal (nyuk nyuk)...

of course I seek to perceive myself as unique, so I let my aripamhh (see above) ego believe it is the most undiscovered genius ever so it's satisfied even when I am at maximum insatiable hunger and receiving zero ego-food (and zef is an extremely lonely place for an ego, ya know)... having a self-feeding ego is very helpful in this world where unsatisfied hungry egos tend to get in the way of just about everything else, especially good sense...

gaining unconditional trust from ego is the most brilliant aspect of genius, but then, only those who do know, I mean, only those who have unconditional trust from ego know that is it the most brilliant aspect of genius, but you may have understood do know without the further elaboration in other words... give yourself seven ego points if so and two ego points if you required further elaboration and minus six ego points if you disagree...

seek compromise through altered perspectives rather than disagreement and you shall be many points further on your way to achieving and actualizing inner and outer peace...

that's guru talk for make love, not war...

meanwhile, this blog is once again countermanded (or is it being usurped?... derailed?... somehow otherwise distracted and altered from it's initial intent?... yeah, something like that) by ego (it's not always ego, but this time it muchly is) and the babbler (who it is always) for their own nefarious purposes so you'll just have to look at the previous entries (that I'll write as soon as the babbler and ego let go of my fingers) for actual semi-brief RealTime events occurring in the RealTime of the RealWorld...

in this entry, I shall continue giving away secrets that only geniuses know because only geniuses can understand them so it's not really all that much of a giveaway if you follow the thread of reason weaving it's way through these words...

I am going to Oklahoma for a couple of days in October and intend to have a laptop for the trip, so please let anyone you know in Oklahoma City know that I shall be free the afternoon and evening of October 22nd for potential interaction, nefarious or otherwise...

of course I contradict myself every other paragraph, that is another secret of genius that only geniuses understand because it keeps non-geniuses from believing the genius is a genius and therein protects the genius from many of those who might exploit the genius for the genius that the genius possesses (or is possessed by, which is more the case in some cases)...

sometimes the contradictions are used as an example of the point I was making in spite of doing exactly what I said I would not do because that is yet another cleverly disguised mental manipulation of genius, but I've already told you too much so please disregard what you think you might know or you will be forced to have to kill yourself...

further along the trail of theoretical bread crumbs that only the most clever lab rats (or mice, for that matter, and whether mice are smarter than rats or rats are smarter than mice depend on who you ask) might be able to follow, if you could perceive the interactions of sub-sub-atomic particles within the brain, you might have some idea of a fraction of the information I've shared in my billions of words already poured out on to the public web, so that is your goal if you want to...

or not if you don't, ya know?...

email, gmail, female

a long long time ago, relative to the past hour, I opened a gmail account and used it three times, or some such few times, but at least one person responded there more than a few times... the last time I checked mail at gmail was either early 2006 or late 2005 (I could ascertain a more precise estimation of the last time I was there if that would please anyone, but I'll leave it at this until I am asked for more precision in carbon-dating my internet wandering, particularly in reference to gmail)... I visited my gmail today and found an email from early 2006 that was new to me, so I responded and this was my response in case you bump into anyone else who is looking for me where I am not (or seldom) these days (and years):

today is the first time I opened gmail since before you sent this email... email just holds so much un-appeal for me, I do not include it in my thought process when coming to the web... in fact, I'm on the web less and less these days... I spend my time on the web mostly updating my blogspot blog and less often, wandering around myspace reading and downloading music...

I tried texting you a while back (I had unlimited texting for a while, no longer have that) and seemed to upset someone when I did (I apparently texted your boyfriend or someone else who did not know me and did not seem to want me to continue, so I stopped)...

I am as I am, I mean what I say... I stay in touch poorly these days, but I do stay in touch where I am... those who visit my blogspot daily (there are a few) know this... you are welcome there... at myspace, I try to respond once a week... you are welcome there too... I may not open gmail again for who knows how long, but I did today, found your words (the only new mail here except for 500+ pieces of SPAM since early 2006 or maybe 2005), and responded to let you know where I am found most often... at blogspot and at myspace... if you are updating anywhere online these days, let me know in a comment at one of those places...

I hope life is smiling in your world today :)

ric
407-325-1482

there, now you can pass this along to all the people you know who have been wondering where I've been for years and they can find me here and communicate as they please...

I suppose email (and instant messaging and other communications like message boards, online communities, and other interactive sites) might expand my chances of meeting people, maybe even female people, maybe even a girlfriend... I think I'd like to consider making out with a girlfriend again, I mean, it's been a while and I do remember liking girls...

but before this entry turns into yet another questioning without answering session of will more online interaction really bring me more interaction offline? I will move along to the next segment (which will be the previous entry, or the entry below, which might make more sense as you are reading downward, so maybe writing a week of entries at a time is the way to go, but then, maybe not) and continue pondering whatever I will eventually be pondering when we get to the first of these catch up entries which will, naturally, be written last...

O . O



O

where are you from?

speaking of words and online interactions and meeting people and such and such (were we really?), the question (see title) is so much a part of internet life (and I can proudly say I seldom hear/read it, though that might be because people are simply not interested, which isn't something to necessarily be proud of, but I prefer not to hear/read the question because it is so vague and superficial and relatively meaningless to me because it has so many potential answers in the physical world alone and nobody is really asking for an accurate or meaningful answer...

kinda like when people ask what do you do? online (or off)... offline, sometimes I just look at them and stare and if they ask again I say I stare at people who ask me that question...

and then there's a/s/l (if you don't know a/s/l then you haven't been wandering online chat rooms or used instant messaging to meet new people very much)... offline, I sometimes sign "yes" in American Sign Language and leave people wondering...

what?... you weren't asking me if I spoke asl?...

I appreciate people who understand the meaning of the words they use and want as little to do with those who don't, in case you haven't noticed, because misunderstanding is easy enough when we mean what we say, ya know?...

it's bad enough in everyday language, but it's so acceptable in human culture that our leaders kill our children by lying to us and get away with it by playing semantic game... and let's not even start exploring the religious abuse of language or somebody could be assassinated...

anyway, about from...

out in the wilds of myspace where newbies to the web sometimes surface for the very first time, the questions long laughed at by anyone with sense (and most often asked by everyone else) on the internet appear as if they are fresh and new and being asked for the very first time... this entry was mostly inspired (or at least fell right into the stream) by these questions and in particular, the title question as I was asked again as if for the first time this week...

and this is what I said:

thanks for adding me (I feel so much better about myself now... ok, I'm joking... mostly... I mean, being added to a stranger's list of myspace friends shouldn't mean all that much, right?... I mean, it's not like you know me, love me, respect me, think highly of me, worship the ground I walk on or anything, or even like me, but somehow being accepted, even like this, feels good... of course now it leaves me open for rejection if you ever decide I'm just too strange and must be deleted, but hopefully you will see that my irreverent sense of humor is as harmless as I say it is and maybe even be amused enough to enjoy keeping me around... there's always hope, after all)...

no wait, I can be serious if you want... just ask :)

meanwhile, catching up on myspace mail, I come across your question...

sometimes I think I'm from another planet, but them, just cuz I want to believe there's life elsewhere doesn't mean there is...

from is such a strange word...

you mean where am I now?... Orlando, FL, east side, near UCF

where was I born?... Paterson, NJ, a hospital, for a few days... I was then stolen by gypsies and whisked off to adventure...

where did I spend school years?... Brooklyn, NY, East New York, Canarsie, Flatlands...

where else did I live? (for more than a year)... Manhattan (NYC), Monterey (CA), Toronto (the other CA), Niagara Falls (NY), Buffalo (NY, Loughman (FL), Lake Buena Vista (FL)...

where else did I live? (for more than a few months, but less than a year)... San Antonio (TX), Ft. Lauderdale (FL), San Francisco (CA), Los Angeles (CA), Hopewell (VA), other places ... I'm getting bored, are you?...

I'm laughing at myself... I do that often... I am easily amused... the picture you have up amused me... it was enough for me to send you an add request... I could probably find other reasons if you'd like... Stewie definitely helped me like your page... not that I am into naked babies... would you like to know anything else? (feel free to ask... I may not be as strange as I seem :)

oh, and just in case I get kidnapped by gypsies again (or something) and disappear for a month, Happy Anniversary, Happy Birthday, and Happy Bill Paying Days (odd thing to celebrate, but heck, it's your calendar :)

seriously, I hope your Anniversary and Birthday are the best ever (until next year)...

thanks for being there, hope you remain :)

ric

and that is by far the briefest accurate response to the query in the title (of this entry) pertaining to physical spaces that I've ever summarized in words to my momentary recollection at this time...

I mean, I could have gotten all metaphysical about it, after all... I am from where I am, where I was, and where I will be... or even get literal... I am from the womb of an unknown woman... or further ethereal, I am from where I want to be, a timeless space of infinite love and trust...

or something like that...

for the record, the person asking has a calendar on her myspace that has her anniversary, birthday (both within the next month), and bills due for next month listed on it... so the reference was not merely nonsense or an attempt at an amusing close and allusion to my inconsistent communicating... and there was a naked Stewie there too...

so use your words as if you mean what you are saying people, cuz there are children out there, naked children, and they want to understand...

catching up x 4

and so four days zipped by this time and it's time to start catching up (as if this was the first of the four entries uploaded tonight just cuz it's the first I upload cuz it's the last I wrote so it falls into place in linear reading down the page)... this always makes for orphan entries ("little orphan entries", copyright 2007), which is what I am calling my next blog when I start it, which might be when I get the new computer, which will be sooner than never... little orphan entries are the entries that get no comments, no feedback, no notice, ya know?... cuz leaving a comment is kind of like adopting an entry, isn't it?...

anyway, not to belabor yet another unintended guilt trip (I really don't mean to, but I was brought up in a Judeo-Christian world by Judeo-Christian people and the foundation {or at least the residual secular everyday life stuff born of religions} of most everything is guilt tripping, after all, so it's kind of ingrained in my psyche even though I am not always completely human (but I suppose I am getting better at it, which is seeming more obnoxious with each step... or repulsive), let's get to the question burning everybody's lips (exaggeration is the second strongest influence, ya know) , where have I been?...

way back on today, or Thursday, as I was thoroughly enjoying putting my head into a Jar, I juggled some more work at work and trained the temporary data person some more and after getting home, I believe I zoned into something on TV while falling to sleep in the big green chair while waiting for Precious to call for her ride home (I'm almost ready to buy her a car myself so she might show some signs of independence cuz by now all her peers are off to college and not living home while she's still a couple or few years behind, just starting on her first job and still without a driver's license as she approaches her 19th birthday... of course if I could afford to buy her a car I'd have a new desktop and a new laptop)...

the phone rang to wake me and Precious tells me she has a ride, so i could have either gone to bed, gone out somewhere, or otherwise occupied my time with something other than nodding off while sitting and waiting for her call, but that's the way it is with any teenager who firmly believes the whole world revolves around her... I knew it didn't revolve around me before I was out of diapers, but then, I'm not very normal, or even always human, after all... and then I think I browsed the web and fell asleep and along came Friday...

in spite of intending to get out of work early at least one day this week, the week ended with me staying late every night cuz there's just no way to get caught up on two jobs while training someone to do one of them in a normal 40 hour work week...

once home, it was an ordinary Friday night, vegetating in front of the TV with the Sci-Fi channel and ordering from Paradiso (so I had food for a few days without having to clean up the kitchen so I could cook)... and Saturday was college football cuz Rasputin is a serious college football fan (Ohio State) and I get into the game day routine pretty easily... I seem to have lost all interest in fantasy sports these days as I've abandoned all the leagues I signed up for (but still may finish second in one of the baseball leagues, which is quite amazing as I've ignored the team all year)... I spent some time wandering myspace and sending out some more add requests, rather randomly this time... Raspy and I went to eat at the local Chinese buffet Saturday evening and then it was back to college football as I nodded off in the big green chair...

Sunday was another day of vegetation at home with the NFL on TV (the televised games are getting so very boring), eating the leftover Italian food, heading out for ice cream, and tapping away at the keyboard to bring you these four entries that you long anticipated, so tenderly read, and thoroughly enjoyed...

now all I need to know is what I can take with me on my business trip in October, like, do I have to buy new toiletries and shaving stuff there or do I have to wait in line to check in an overnight bag and wait for the airline to unload it (or lose it) at the destination extending the time in the airport another hour or few?... there must be some website where I can find this information so I can be prepared and not be looking for an all night store in Oklahoma City so I can spend unnecessary money so I don't smell or look disheveled...

well, that's not all I need to know, but that's one thing... I don't think I won the lottery again yesterday... not that I check, but I figure I'll hear about it on the news and if some idiot in Orlando won and did not show up to collect his winnings I'll check if it's me...

and what's this on 60 Minutes tonight about stores selling marijuana legally?... probably medical marijuana or something... while I have no interest in drinking anymore and very minimal interest in tripping or any other chemical mind games, I might share a social pipe now and then if the old weed was legalized... I should visit Sandy Eggo and explore meditative alternatives with the west coast mindset, aye?...

anyway, thanks for all the attention while I was away, you are appreciated... even when you are not around... I'll upload these entries now and let you get on with your mental orgasms...

or not if you don't

this was the first part of tonight's writing, but it becomes the third part of a three part upload or not if you don't know that, even though I just told you (pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, the great and powerful Odd has misspoked once again... no charge for the new words... anyway, let's get on with this part of the parts, which would become this entry...

while falling in love again (no worries, the link will appear somewhere in this entry as I tend to link-whore my newly discovered love interests until they run away, as you probably know... but meanwhile, it gets a bit beyond ridiculous when waiting three minutes for a page to load and watching the characters stagger across the screen and beautiful voices and melodies stutter and videos flicker as the memory overloads...

a procrastinator's heaven...

and once again I ask the wind (myself included), would it be a whole lot better with a $600 system or a $1000 system or a $2000 system, probably, but the key is how much does it take to get a system that will let me browse the way I want to browse and still do all the other things I do while browsing I want to know how much will it take to let me get me really aroused...

I ought to find my web developer friend I once had in this area... we'll call him Robert... I think his number is still in my phone, even... calling him out of the blue would be just like me... he had a web development business and was also a semi-professional musician and his wife was a high school music teacher and moonlighted as a vocal coach... they didn't discover any of my talents, of course, because they're all in my mind I've learned to hide them so well...

come to think of it (casually mentioned, as if this is not some deep dark secret erupting in massive trauma confession, ya know), my personal self-confidence in my talents has dwindled to pathetic... now pass the donuts like a good Homer... wait, I'm the Homer, so pass the donuts to me...

but you see (see?), I don't want to buy a $1000 system and then be frustrated with it's capacity to suck in the music and video (mostly music, but the graphics must be processed or the audio is choked along with everything else, ya know?)... I don't want to get my hopes up about recording and maybe hooking up a midi keyboard and playing with the high tech music toys again if the computer I buy is going to be dragging me down... but seriously irreverently seriously, I am getting tired of reading myself writing about thinking about this too...

how's that for a segue? (would that be a new car model name?... Chevrolet Segue... Chevy Segue... yeah, rolls right off the tongue... and what a perfectly appropriate name for a Hybrid, aye?)... see, pure genius and nobody knows...

today is Rasputin's birthday... not that Rasputin, but the one who personally keeps Pepsi ahead of Coke around here... much happiness, oh caffeinated one... may you survive your habits to celebrate again...

I can be a stinker, I know...

I probably ought to simply go out and drop $2000 on the system and hope I am not grumbling in afterthought cuz all this forethought (and sudden segues) could give a guy a headache... maybe it's the ethanol...

laughing, but still, I mean, you understand, maybe, some of it, maybe, but if just a little, laugh, or not if you don't...

maybe my door is a jar...

the party of the part part

part three, which is really part two, but was written third, so being part three came naturally if we consider time linear and label the parts chronologically, but in essence and, in fact, in order of entries uploaded tonight, this will be part two, even if we call it part three...

I am listening to music at myspace because the myspace music player is working for me for a change... it's moody, this old computer... sometimes it lets the music play and sometimes the memory runs out and everything moves in slow motion and audio and video come to a sudden, but quite silent halt...

I miss music so much, it hurts... in fact, I miss music more than I miss sex... I mean, I can have sex with myself, great sex, in fact, but I am in no position (no equipment, no space, no ka) to make music by myself... no wonder I am not falling in love more often (or more seriously than a child's fantasy in Brooklyn, or maybe Long Island or Orange County or Venice... anywhere but here (who sang that, anywhere buy here it was a song or album or both...

there's a stupid self-righteous voice inside wanting to scream in outrage, "what the fuck happened to my mojo?"... of course using the Austin powers word does put the giggles in the mix and kind of deflates the outrage and exposes the stupidity behind the self-righteous ire (fake, no doubt)...

so being this is the third day of the three missing dates, it reflects the current moment most currently even though it is the second part of the three-part entry even though it was written third, part...

I quite suddenly went out and ran four laps in 54:43.69 with lap times of 11:47.93, 13:21.21, 16:15.51, and 13:20.03, respectively... actually not bad for laying off since 8/23... yeah, almost an entire month according to my trusty chronometer (stopwatch to the old folk at home)... I did 54:08.40 for the four laps then with a best lap of 12:29.63 and an average 13:32.10 for the four laps... my previous best recorded lap time was 11:47.16 and second best was 11:47.93, but that was just for two laps... I've only been recording thrice, or three times, or parts, if we must... so maintaining conditioning in spite of the pathetic effort of the past month and the resulting flabbiness and lethargy and probable increase in weight is a pleasant surprise, but nothing to write home about...

luckily, I am not writing home...

and on that note I shall present these three entries to you as if the first two were there all along (which would be this one and the one before) and if I didn't mention it here, you might not ever have known if you didn't come by and notice each of the last three days, so disregard this paragraph if you've been absent and feel duly guilty for your non-transgressing of trespass...

move along now to part three, or one, actually, but who's counting anyway...

nothing happening (here)

the meetup idea either completely fizzled or is on hold... work seems to be taking precedence in my brain these days (this week especially)... I'm slouching more... I'm also skipping around from thought to thought more abstractly (and perhaps more randomly, but in fact, perhaps less randomly and nobody knows, not even me, at least not on the surface where I seem to be staying lately, especially this week)...

could be the chill in the air around here since I used the words living like pigs... Raspy seems to have ignored it, as he is his usual self, but Precious seems more distant and sullen... maybe she's resenting my pointing out how she lives or maybe (being optimistic as I am) she's opening her eyes to the dozens of empty Pepsi bottles she steps on in the piles of dirty clothing that are a couple of feet deep in some places in her room (we haven't seem the carpet in years)... it's her room, after all, but I finally said something unpleasant about the piggishness constantly spilling into the rest of the place...

I think the food poisoning helped me snap...

no really, I think it brought the obvious fact that it is amazing I've not had food poisoning simply cooking and eating in this place... the fact that I use my own silverware and plates that I was and keep next to the big green chair is probably why, but the week(s) old food in the fridge surely puts anything in the fridge at risk...

I wish I could open their eyes to the health risks they play with constantly, not to mention the gallons of Pepsi and crap they consume each week... it isn't easy loving people who are semi-suicidal... just being in close proximity is dangerous cuz I'm rather osmotic (ummm, I mean I tend to empathize to the point of osmosis and become chameleon-like in behavior and perspective until something wakes me up, sometimes rudely, and I grumble about how stupid I am for being lonely enough to get close to humans again...

I should run...

meanwhile, I'm making no time for myspace either, so my hoards of devoted fans are drifting away and just when I was about to reach 10000 visits to my profile, alas... I suppose I could hook up a visit-bot and fake being amazingly popular, but then, that's only fun for a moment, like all fakeness... there's just too little time and all the winds of fortune and fate and energy all around me all going in the opposite direction of my creative flow... and grumbling and lamenting is getting way old....

so nothing's happening...

and the sleepwriting is about in a coma and the mostly dead and very nearly completely dead and all the other gardens are lost in space so far out in the stream that I'm not even throwing them a link-line cuz waa waa waa, what's the use, right?... meanwhile, instead of letting myself feel intimidated by food or even wising up and eating healthy or fasting to cleanse the system after the food poisoning over the weekend, I've eaten pasta and pizza all week every night... and salad too, so I'm not going completely into the high-carb high-fat body nightmare, but I am definitely indulging the taste bud decadence and not feeding the health... so me belly full but me hungry and a high carb bod is a bloated bod.. and the wittle weeble wobble wee wee wee all the way home...

I really should run...

or at least upload the next entry, which will be the one above this one, so you might have already read it, which would be out of order, but I won't hold you in contempt... I might hold you in Philadelphia, but never in contempt...

move along now, there's really nothing happening (here)...

thanks for the Real™

thanks for the love and caring and support... I seem to be feeling better, thought tired... the Italian food I ordered tonight (look, either I was all better or I wasn't and I was willing to find out the hard way if necessary) went down well and didn't do anything other than produce a bit of lower intestinal churning, so the bug little buggers, whatever they were, seem to be on the run(s) (pun intended)...

if I was just a bit crazier (or in a less depressive flow) at the moment, I might head out for a run to see just how much all better I am, but I've been letting the blasé lazy sloth currents (that's what I mean by depressive flow, energy much more the emo, if you understand what I mean) all around me influence my energy level of late so I am gonna pop some more Keebler Fudge Sticks in my mouth and indulge the emotional hunger that is higher than usual these days (which is wonderful cuz it proves I am still alive and hungry for love even after all these years of undermining, destructive tendencies, and other stupid human tricks)...

life around here continues and I continue to enjoy most of it as much as I can... Rasputin cleaned up the kitchen today so there's no more visible mold on the food on the plates in the sink, but within a few hours precious had the sink and counters stained with food again... my mentioning that to Rasputin inspired a whatever which prompted me to ask if he ever gets tired of us living like pigs... he didn't respond and went to bed... at least the kitchen was a little cleaner for a few hours so disease carrying organisms, bugs, and vermin might not feel too much at home... luckily we don't see any, partly cuz I bug-spray pretty regularly...

tomorrow I have my first solo flight at the Quality Council meeting that I chair and I have a few major changes in systems to propose... the resistance to change is strong in some directors, but the consensus that improvements are needed is pretty much unanimous (just don't change my department is the usual response)... so tomorrow I shall attempt to get the directors to agree (which is rare as communication is inconsistent and cooperation is seldom as integration of services is haphazard and poorly coordinated)... the first system I tackle is simply getting the names right, in other words, verifying and communicating the patient identification to the written record and to everyone who needs to work with or document on the patient... hopefully we can eliminate mistakes like having a wrong birth date on a patient for eight months before it's noticed (and we discover the insurance company wanted to void any claims)...

and that's life around here, ridiculous and amazingly lazy and piggish, but enjoyable for the challenges that inspire me to come up with creative solutions... I spent some time wandering around myspace today sending out friend requests to random strangers cuz someday one of those random add requests at myspace or wherever will connect me with the partner who fits me as much as I fit her... resting and recovering and indulging and enjoying and enjoying the space between my ears... meanwhile, I still have my imagination and that's where the most fun of all lives...

I want to travel the stars
I want to imagine the energy
reaching out for me
passing through me
part of everything that can be

I want to travel through space
I want to see the universe's face
smiling back at me
and letting me see
everything being in it's place

floating on the cosmic winds
to where new stars are born
and old stars fade away

let your mind expand to see
where time and space can merge
and bend and become child's play

beyond all the petty little worries of the world
leaving all the tiny thoughts behind
I want to wander where stars are born
and let the universe into my mind
and let the universe become my mind

thanks to Q for inspiring this rhyme and for the continued pleasure of passing along the images and links and info... and for inspiring me... and to z for continued pleasure of appreciating my thoughts and me so meaningfully and for random thoughts and challenging me to keep it real... and thanks to S for the continued pleasure of caring so consistently and so personally well and for the art provoking thoughts and thought provoking art... and thanks to old friends and new gone in a blink of an eye for reminding me that relativity exists here, there, and everywhere... and thanks to the new visitors and new friends for the continued excitement of hoping I offer something worthwhile here and I'll find what I am looking for... and thanks to the stars and the universe, for being out there and in here too :)

I hope life is fun in your universe :)

nite nite :)

bummers and hope

ok, so I am done spending ridiculous sums on future entertainment for tonight... I added some concerts and a show to the schedule of future events I intend to attend... there'd be so many more if I had a partner in such endeavors, but alone I am less apt to spend ridiculous sums on myself alone cuz I enjoy attending entertainment much more when someone shares the experience and alone I often enjoy home video more than the crowd of strangers... the show is rent and the tickets (two... I am hopeful) are second row, however I did not realize they were second row side so I am calling ticketmaster tomorrow and seeing whether I can switch (in spit of their no exchanges policy, I'm hoping an exception can be made for an event as far off as April 2008... it's a birthday present to me... not my first choice, if I had other shows to choose from, but an excellent show)...

anyway, a bunch of tickets are still available in row six center are and I'll buy those tomorrow or Monday even if ticketmaster does not take back the two I bought tonight... the only reason I don't buy the row six tickets tonight is because their seating chart is not detailed enough to tell me what numbers are actually center numbers and I have a choice between 5-6 and 9, 10, 11, and 12... if ticketmaster can't help me tomorrow, I'll call the box office Monday and find out how many seats are across the center section... the venue is well over an hour away, but the show won't be in Orlando and these were the best seats in the area (other venues are two or more hours away and did not have any orchestra seats left...

I also picked up concert tickets for Brand New and almost picked up tickets for Tori Amos, but unfortunately she's going to be here the same night I already have tickets for Spill Canvas with Meg & Dia (and others) so I grumbled (the toughest part is she's going to be at the House of Blues as opposed to a huge auditorium, so the intimacy factor would be much more intense... besides the huge places within a three hour drive are already almost sold out and I'm not into sitting in the nosebleed seats for a concert or show) and moved along...

meanwhile, today was a bust...

I started out all excited as I drove to the computer show across town at the fair grounds... turns out the show has changed dramatically since the last time I went (last year) and it's now a flea market for all sorts of trinkets, odd ends, and basic cheap rip-off stuff that is great if you love shopping for junk and the occasional useful bargain (which I do enjoy now and then when someone shares the experience cuz then the junk becomes meaningful cuz we both want it) and just three vendors offering computer stuff at no bargain prices... and I was all psyched up to spend a few hundred on a used laptop (the last laptop I bought for $100 lasted two years and they wanted $150 for similar laptops at this show when it's definitely not worth that), but no such bargains were there... bummer...

so I drove home... feeling bummed, I caved in and went out to eat with Rasputin (spending money I should be saving for the new computer and eating stuff I should be avoiding for another week or few or at least until I start running again) mostly because Precious needed a ride home from work and there was another computer store (one of the few decent mostly cheap but reliable places in Orlando) across from where she works and I hoped I might find some memory for this old computer there (but they no longer carry SDSIMMs this old, bummer # 2) and we stopped in at Friday's for lunch...

lunch was delicious (and the service was exceptionally good) from start to finish (an triple sampler appetizer, a portabella melt, a spicy tomato soup, and scrumptious fudge covered chocolate cake a la mode for desert) and I even did not eat it all (as I usually do cuz I have the ever expanding stomach) and looked forward to a delicious second mean tonight, but that food went to the trash (bummer # 3b) shortly after I got home cuz I was sitting in the bathroom with a powerful case of food poisoning (bummer # 3a)... after a little while of wondering if death might not be a more enjoyable experience, I felt it was somewhat more likely that I was not going to die today (or explode) and dragged this dripping wet body out to the living room where I promptly fell asleep in the big green chair...

when I woke I caught up on the college football games I missed (bummer # 4, though not nearly as much of a bummer for me as today's other bummers) and came to the computer to check on the concert tickets I am supposed to have, am expecting, and must remember to pick up at will call the day of the concert (cuz I was forgetting when the will call concerts were and I suspected I was missing some tickets and it turns out I am missing the Dashboard Confessional tickets... bummer # 5... I'll call about them tomorrow)... while checking on tickets, I bought the other tickets mentioned above...

and that's when I clicked too impulsively on the Row BBB (second row) tickets and realized, after passing the no refunds, no exchanges page, that the tickets were Orchestra Left, seats 9 and 10 (and 1 starts at the side closer to the center), bummer # 6... so as I said when this entry opened, I'll call tomorrow or Monday to try to fix that or else just buy tickets in row D (6th row) center and try to sell the BBB tickets before April of next year (or else just eat the $110, which would be bummer # 7, I supposed, though it would be ridiculously optimistic to think there would be no further bummers between now and April, 2008, now that I started numbering... not that I expect to keep this number of bummers up past this entry as it's primarily a way to amuse myself and therein diffuse the bummerness of the bummers and it's working well)...

my tummy feels much better, though still queasy... I am still emotionally hungry, of course, cuz that is how this body responds to frustration (and bummers), but physically I am thinking I might not eat again until after the show (yes, I semi-jokingly mean Rent in April, 2008... yes, only semi-joking)... I am still hopeful that I might have some sort of more compatible (and intimate) partner in Orlando before the show... see, in spite of all the bummers piled into today, I am still hopeful...

it's good to be crazy :)

but who realy gets it?

random thoughts often float (or flash) through the brain my consciousness (or mind, if you don't mind) uses materialize in and interact with this world... sometimes I use the randomness of my mind to explore ideas from a distance or from a much more objective perspective than I might find if I explored the idea with a serious linear-time commitment and/or emotional investment (and if I made it personal, well there goes objectivity out the window, after all)...

sometimes I feel like some of the free-radical thoughts that pop randomly out of the blue (or wherever) are deeper than I understand at the moment (and I wonder if anybody else understand even when I don't)... sometimes I wonder what is truly nonsense and what is truly profound (both can be meaningful, after all)... sometimes I am laughing at the seriousness cuz I feel like nobody will get it and my writing is an exercise in futility (or merely for posterity, which may be even more futile)... sometimes I am laughing at the ridiculousness cuz I find the ridiculous amusing (and wondering if anybody takes the ridiculousness seriously can be even more amusing and even more interesting when someone actually attempts to explain why my ridiculousness has some meaning for them)...

putting thoughts into words does all this and more to me...

I can be simultaneously intensely profoundly serious and practically unbelievably nonsensically irreverent in the same moment, in the same thought, and sometimes I even think I might see the two extremes in the same words (phrase, sentence, paragraph) and for me, that is maybe the most amusing and satisfying thing of all I can do with words (short of sharing the meaning with someone who really gets it, but then, the answer to the title question requires eye contact and shared space over time, so I accept the best I can do with words is enjoy them as much as possible alone... and so I do)...

I'll leave it to you (and posterity) to decide what I did here (and you may (and those who don't now can) recognize these scattered thoughts from comments relating to the previous entry as these seemingly random thoughts were inspired by my the best people in my online world, my readers, which is all the meaning they may have, but that is a lot for me):

thanks for the kind words about the rhyme :)

*blink*

as you know, I take refuge in the mind of god disguised as the ridiculous when down and troubled and needing some love and care, kind of like James Taylor...

*blink*

I think I like blogs cuz it nurtures my love of ADD in that the subject changes with virtually every entry... or more often, even...

*blink*

I think I hear more of a Seussian sing-song than a rap, but heck, whatever fits the mood cuz after all, beauty is in the eye of the be-listener...

*blink*

I used to be a breather...

*blink*

no wait, I am serious... really seriously (as opposed to surreally seriously), as a little kid and as a teen I used to actualize the awareness of that comes from being well practiced that suss kind (not David) of breather, breathing deeper and deeper and just when I thought I had breathed out all I had or breathed in all I could fit into me (except I preferred to be flat on my back cuz it seemed to involve more of the body, rather than sitting), I'd find more room for more air or find more air to release and that was long before I ever learned anything about meditative techniques and that's why I so arrogantly believe I know everything about everything, especially when I am around someone who knows something abut something...

*blink*

Dick Tracy used to say "6-2 and even, over and out" into a wrist audio-video transmitter and we kids used to think how cool it would be if such a science fiction toy could actually be build... and now there's iPhone here and the Japanese have had those on their wrist for years... a far cry from the building that not only housed the first computer, but was the first computer... and every few months smaller more powerful chips come out and we're down to 45 microns now and someday we'll create a building full of interconnected chips that will give us the answer (42?) and maybe when the chips become electro-bio-chemical and smaller than angstrom units or even the sub-atomic level even smaller than human brain cells and we'll put a billion or trillion or gazillion of them together and maybe that's how computers will develop some sort of self-awareness or consciousness... maybe that's what happened to us too...

*blink*

as much as I adore the ADD feeling of living in the moment detached from any (or apart as much as possible) concept of time, I live for those eternal moments and I still exist in a few of those eternal moments, by the way, and they are exponentially more expressive and powerful when shared, but even unshared for decades those moments continue because, after all, they were eternal then and so they are eternal now cuz they actualize the relativity of time cuz they are always just a blink of the mind (awareness or memory, or awareness of memory) away from now...

*blink*

I think I'll sleep now...

*half a blink*

thanks for the thoughts, hope you had fun too :)

for no apparent raisin

wizzer, wuzzer, wazzer
upside downside out
wiggle, wuggle, waggle
what's it all about?

star light, star bright, I see you
am I too small for you to see me?
how many days are in a light year?
is the answer something we can see?

wizzer, wuzzer, wazzer
upside downside out
wiggle, wuggle, waggle
what's it all about?

humanity in a teardrop
eternity in a sigh
infinity in a brain cell
look it right in the eye

dontcha wanna secret with someone
isn't that what friends are all about
wizzer, wuzzer, wazzer, wiggle, wuggle
waggle till you figure it out
wazzle till you figure it out

wizzer, wuzzer, wazzer
upside downside out
wiggle, wuggle, waggle
what's it all about?

piver, paver, puver
inside outside boo
pixil, paxil, puxel
what does it mean to you?

humanity in a moment
eternity in the sky
infinity in a wavelength
look it right in the eye

dontcha wanna secret with someone
isn't that what friends are all about
mixer, maxer, muxer, pixil, paxil
puxel till you figure it out
puzzle till you figure it out

humanity in a zygote
eternity in a wink
infinity in a rainbow
do you know what you think?

wizzer, wuzzer, wazzer
upside downside out
wiggle, wuggle, waggle
what's it all about?

piver, paver, puver
inside outside boo
pixil, paxil, puxel
what does it mean to you?

kasper, kusper, kisper
right side left side yo
kaster, kuster, kister
which way shall we go?

dontcha wanna secret with someone
isn't that what friends are all about
kasper, kusper, kisper, kaster, kuster
kister till you figure it out
kizzer till you figure it out

humanity in a whisper
eternity in a flame
infinity in a memory
even if it's all a game

wizzer, wuzzer, wazzer
upside downside out
wiggle, wuggle, waggle
what's it all about?

piver, paver, puver
inside outside boo
pixil, paxil, puxel
what does it mean to you?

kasper, kusper, kisper
right side left side yo
kaster, kuster, kister
which way shall we go?

rebor, riber, raber
top side butt side in
rezen, rizen, razen
where do we begin?

dontcha wanna secret with someone
isn't that what friends are all about
shebor, shiber, shaber, rezen, rizen,
razen till you figure it out
kizzer till you figure it out

humanity in a raisin
eternity in a love
infinity in your laughter
what could we be thinking of?

wizzer, wuzzer, wazzer
upside downside out
wiggle, wuggle, waggle
what's it all about?

piver, paver, puver
inside outside boo
pixil, paxil, puxel
what does it mean to you?

kasper, kusper, kisper
right side left side yo
kaster, kuster, kister
which way shall we go?

rebor, riber, raber
top side butt side in
rezen, rizen, razen
raisin?
where do we begin?

star light, star bright, I see you
am I too small for you to see me?
how many days are in a light year?
is the answer something we can be?

home is where the mess is

and the madness continues... I'm a bit of a grump tonight, probably mostly cuz it's been weeks since I last ran, at least two, maybe three... so prepare for a whiney mess of crap as I wade through some muddy negativity and process the frustrations and find the giggles that come up like swamp farts...

look, you might be spoiled and want the witty repartee, the profound logic, the amazing philosophy, and the brilliant insights every night, but we just have to face the fact that this brain is not as young as it used to be and there's much cauliflower forming...

but it's not just the laziness (the grumps, remember, I'm in the grumps... don't let the irreverence sense of absurdity and occasional humor fool you, I am firmly ensconced in the grumps, so there), it's also cuz the traffic around here is turning into a real mess... a six minute trip from work now takes thirty minutes on a good night and an hour on a bad night... this is due to the university starting and some road work going on... I think I'll start leaving work a half hour early very soon as it's ridiculous to sit in traffic for an hour or more when the ride should take no more than ten minutes if I hit every light and go slow... human planning, build the town (and expand the university) and wait for traffic to become a problem and then try to widen the roads for a few years, creating a traffic nightmare...

work, on the other hand, is going well... very well (wait, says the grump... but I plod on in my blind faith way and the grump says, alright, let's get this happy happy joy joy thing over with)... I was giggling and yayying within ten minutes of getting to work in spite of finding the computer rebooted overnight and the programs I left open cuz I was in the middle of a report all shut down)... Office 2007 is much fun (and proving extremely useful, especially the auto-save and auto-recover features)... sad that I am the only one who has it on a computer, but that's the backwards place I work... probably a lot like a lot of private businesses... I'm still using Access 2000 though (the grump is perking up again)... ironically, Access the most important program for the data and number crunching... and I am the Data Administrator, after all... hopefully I'll talk them into buying a copy of Access 2007 one of these days... after all, I'm getting most of everything else I want, almost... slowly, they are creeping into the 21st century (and they don't even know it)...

this isn't helping the grump much, is it?...

well, let's look around and they'll surely help... yes, it's one of those entries... home is still the same and much of why I'm a little grumpy tonight... I get home and find the TV is on, Rasputin and Precious are in their rooms with their doors closed and there's no answer when I call out, and Precious has cooked again, which means a major mess... splatter, food, and dirty everything everywhere... but we'll get to that, I think I could use a little cranial ventilation...

I love her and she's family, remember (who am I reminding?)...

so Precious brings home the high school cookie dough stuff for her best friend today (in so many ways she's still in high school, but then, some kids mature early and some mature late and hopefully she'll do some catching up one of these days... at least she's working now, for six straight days... a cashier at Sears... I don't ask her how's work much anymore cuz she complains too much about how unfair it is that she has to do things... and the house gets even messier now that she has an excuse to do nothing to pick up after herself... I suppose the extra-filthy kitchen was not wanted to see when I got home for work and I am venting a bit... the spaghetti was still in the pot on the stove, drying out and getting hard, splatter and food and dirty pots and dishes were everywhere, a plate of spaghetti and sauce was in the sink, half still on the plate and half not, the TV was on, and nobody answered when I called is anybody home?... and for the third day in a row I tied up a full bag of trash that was empty when I left in the morning and sat it in the dining area with the other four bags piled up there... I cleaned one side of the sink and one counter so I could make some food for myself and sat down to eat... nope, I won't be entertaining anyone in this space)...

where was I?... ah yes, so Precious brought home the cookie dough stuff... you might recall from last year or the year before (if you've been around that long) that I sold several dozen tubs of the stuff for her at work and she won some prize... free trip to the state thespian competition and an mp3 player, I believe... unfortunately, the paperwork and money is due tomorrow and it just got here two days ago and she didn't mention we had practically no time, so I won't be able to sell any and help her help her best friend win anything... she did the same thing last year and Rasputin had to pay for her trip to the state competition... I wonder if she'll pay for it herself this year, now that she's working... yes, it is the high school and yes she did graduate, but she's obviously not letting go... more and more my gut sense that she did not go to college because she simply did not want to leave home or her best friend or the security... she just refuses to deal with any responsibility if there is a way to avoid it (and she is so full of excuses and justifications, we no longer talk much about anything serious)...

I learned very young that there is only so much talk can do when someone does not want to hear (after all, I told Rasputin I would not be happy living in a mess before he moved in and he obviously forgot, even though he said he didn't want to live in a mess either... yeah, his last place was much filthier than this one, grease coated everything in the kitchen and the whole house stunk most of the time, but his roommates were responsible for a lot of it as they never cleaned until he told them to... unfortunately, Precious doesn't listen to him here unless she wants something from him)...

so she'll learn the hard way, I suppose, or she will think she knows it all like many other fat, lazy, wasteful, irresponsible people (looks like America to me) and may never accept any responsibility for anything, but there's always hope...

sometimes it's not easy to like someone, even when you love them, ya know?...

the good news (and bad news) is that I didn't buy any cookie dough or brownies... they are soooo good, but I have been soooo bad about diet and exercise this month, it's best that nothing that fattening comes into the house by my hands... it's enough my roomies have the worst eating habits (typically American, so probably not the worst, but then... yeah, ok, I suppose I'm still venting a bit)...

ultimately, my disgruntledness is caused by me, myself, as I let myself slide into a lazy malaise and ignore the health risks and bloated feeling and stupidity... I did eat much better for the past four days, so many the positive change is returning... when the gym or running returns, I'll feel a whole lot better... but sometimes it is just this way, giving into the current, flowing with the stream of laziness and unhealthiness and unbelievably accepted suicidal behavior all around me (near and far as this is so normal for our culture)... it's not always easy to go in the opposite direction of most everyone else...

I did ignore the amazing cake at work yesterday and have had a big salad and veggie patties every day this week and have not had a snack since the weekend, so maybe... anyway, I'm gonna slip this entry in here yesterday just for those of you who really care enough to read backward and leave the profoundly silly rhyme out there for today since both were written tonight... and we're all caught up and I'm feeling much better one most levels and a little better even as I look around the space and accept another night of heading to bed without running... maybe... did the twinkle of the runner just pop into my eyes?...

tune in tomorrow and see :)

oh, oops, forgot I was grumping this entry...

tune in tomorrow anyway, m'ok?

it's all greek to me

in spite of the world, wonderfulness pours from every pore... even as I bloat up a bit and heave a sign of stupidity (not unlike Homer Simpson) and in spite of this MS Word program constantly resetting the options and features I choose, peaceful bliss oozes up from deep within... technology is obnoxious, paranoia is all around, prejudice and fear is sold like cough medicine to people convince theymust have some even though they haven't coughed in years, but I am incorrigible...

even as Rasputin farts profusely within ten seconds of sitting on the couch about ten feet away... why he finds it so challenging to go the bathroom when he wakes up is a mystery for the ages, but it's possible he knows he will fall asleep and might hurt himself falling off the seat...

shhhh, it's not nice to laugh...

I look around at the space, naaaa, I'll look around tomorrow, maybe, or yesterday... in fact, come back tomorrow for yesterday's entry... for today, sort of, let's focus on what I was going to tell you yesterday, but fell asleep instead...

I've been exploring and joining up all over meetup the past few days (except for the sleep I think I got last night and working the past two days) and the initial idealistic optimism is settling back into a more realistic acceptance that the sit did not change all that much from when I remember it... large groups with few participants and many seeking to make money off other's interests, neediness, gullibility, and loneliness... much like life...

I haven't been over to myspace for a while, but recently Cali decided I must be Greek... this is a decision I can accept gleefully, especially after skÿeism™ (another wonderful spirit floating about myspace) suggested that I may be a Zorba and in the Osho philosophy, I'll quote:

"Zorba is the foundation and Buddha is the palace. Buddha is the peak, but the foundation stones are laid by Zorba. It will be foolish to choose to be a Buddha without having the foundation stones."

"I am absolutely mathematical about it: Zorba should be there and the stronger a Zorba is there, the better a Buddha is possible. So I can become Buddha any moment, Zorba is absolutely needed as the basic energy out of which the Buddha is going to be carved. Zorba is the marble rock out of which the Buddha statue has to be carved. I choose the rock...and Buddha is easy."

"It is just a question of opening your eyes. I don't bother about Buddha; I am worried about people who are not Zorbas. How will they become Buddhas? They don't have the basic material out of which a Buddha is made."

"And this poverty has been given to people by our religious leaders. They have been told not to be materialists. They have been told to be celibate. They have been told to live in poverty. They have been told that life is out of sin. All these things have destroyed their Zorbas. Otherwise, every man is a born Zorba the Greek."

"And if everything goes according to me, every man will die as Zorba the Buddha. Between the Greek and the Buddha there is not much distance, but first you must be the Greek."

Osho, The Last Testament

cool, aye?... after all, why do you think just about everything (mostly) we know as a way of life, as a right and wrong, as an ethic or value, as a system of government, as a human species, can trace it's roots back to the writings of the Greeks three thousand or more years ago... yeah, I decided it was cool to be Greek...

also, I don’t exactly look Chinese... O O
O
not that it changes anything or matters all that much... being mostly an alien in many ways, after all, my attempts to be human are relatively futile and mostly amusing (or pathetic, depending on your point of view)... and being adopted without any known biological history, heritage is like horoscopes, guesswork... I have few clues... one clue is a name, Lanza, which was supposedly the last name of the woman who let me gestate in her womb... I learned that long after I accepted being unknown and learning to love it, so it made little impact on me... another clue is that a few years ago the doctor told me that I have a genetic marker in my blood that strongly suggests my genes came from the Mediterranean... again, so? was my general reaction...

but Zorba the Buddha?...

now that’s a reason to declare my Greekness...

now everybody dance!