cuz the mind just keeps going and going and…

i sit down to rest my leg and pick up the keyboard out of habit and it sits on my lap while the TV and roommates call for attention (i wonder if i'll find time to watch the new episodes of L'iL Bush, which mocks the obvious but is that enough to be consistently funny? {staring wide eyed as if something profound was being pondered might help)… personally, i much prefer understatements, for that matter… but then, you know that [don'tcha?]… or maybe not}… whatever, TV is the opiate of the masses… or is that insulting opiates?) and i really have nothing much to say, but i type on anyway…

please drink responsibly… try water…

so i was rolling along for five innings, still not walking anybody and until the fourth inning, actually had a 2-1 lead (the defense behind me fell apart after the in the fourth inning, but that's the longest they lasted… eventually the game ended in the sixth inning, 15-5… we finished the season with one win… this team is still better than my Sunday team though… much… sad, isn't it?)… the best i can do is not walk anybody and hope the defense catches the ball and throws runners out… and there we were in the sixth inning and a slow ground ball calls me out and i hobble over to it and reach down with my bare hand because there's no way i'd throw the guy out if i went for the ball with my glove and i grabbed the ball and tossed the runner out and sure enough, set the hamstring back a week again… so i sit here as if the two weeks since the original injury barely happened and look forward to six more weeks of winter, or rather, six more weeks of no running… hopefully i did not extend that time before i can start running again… so owie and boo and oh well, i limp along happier to be out there playing than i would be sitting home alone healing…

we could use cheerleaders... or at least a cheerleader... after all, we want to save the world... ok, i can use a cheerleader... and not just to save the world, but that's another story...

i started eating salads again the past two days… unfortunately, after the game tonight i stopped for a great big plate of fried shrimp, scallops, whole clams, fries, onion ring, beans, and 60 ounces of water… there goes any weight i lost in the past few days… maybe i should just give up on the dieting and accept being thirty or forty pounds over my ideal weight until i can start running again… but then there's the blood pressure thing to consider… i don't like medicines… there's always the aciphex commercial on TV to laugh at when i want a distraction… seriously, have you listened to that one?... just close your eyes and listen… aciphex… the drug had to have been named by a former writer of Saturday Night Live…

every day, or night, for how many years now?... i refer to my returning to the web and babbling on and on about this that and the other thing and whatever comes to mind, all the while secretly slipping in subliminal messages to the one and the universe (which some call the multiverse, but is mostly likely the infiniverse, and who you might call god or God, but that's beside the point) it is supposed to be about 38 degrees Fahrenheit tonight… just like last night… the difference is that tonight, i turned on the heat… something bit me on the inside of the right elbow… it suddenly itches like crazy and now that i scratched it, is bumping up as bites will do once they are scratched… i am wearing long sleeves, so i wonder if the bug got under the sleeve… or maybe it's some sort of allergic reaction… or the infiniverse laughing at me cuz i am so easily distracted when i want to be (which would be me laughing right back, or along with, or something along those lines)…

pollard at ld (or is that id?) 2000 dot com (YSS) just texted me and said "seen ur pf your kinda cute wanta ch@t (Aurora dot everydayintheend dot com) and i have no idea who that might be and 36245 is the called id, so i suppose it is a spam text message... i typed in id2000.com and ld2000.com and the everythingintheend.com address and got the error message that the address doesn't exist or something like that… rejected, even by spam… or spim, to be precise… of course it could be that i am officially old, like in i no longer "get it", i am just not "with it", I lost my "dope", my "phat", i am just not "tope". nor am i "crunk", i do not "grok" anymore, i am doing a bad imitation of Dr. Evil, so i guess i should just shake off the spim, kick back, and get to chillaxin)…

i don't like wearing clothes… i noticed that i am sitting here in a long sleeve shirt and long pants with underwear on underneath (such a conformist) and a t-shirt over the long sleeve shirt and this is the first time i have sat here with this much clothes on in a long long time… usually i just have boxer style shorts and a t-shirt on… and it only takes a day or two of weather that requires clothing to remind me why i moved south and stay here even though, as noted in a discussion at work today with a colleague who is moving back north soon, i am still not earning as much as i did in the mid-eighties… ridiculous, perhaps, but it's a trade off i accept because i do not like wearing clothes and i love tropical climates… you probably heard this before…

after many thousands of blog entries, i am bound to be repeating myself in an endless loop of self-expression, introspection, retrospection, contemplation, and general narcissism… and if anyone ever ventured back to the beginning of time (or at least the beginning of my time on the web, which would be the nineties and the earliest blogs on the personal sites linked on the right sidebar that i leave deliberately slightly obscure as i mention it here in some futile attempt to not feel the loneliness that compels me to return here nightly in the hope that the super secret subliminal messages subtly slipped into these massive missives again and again in the hope that the magic moment will return and everybody will live happily ever after might reach the one who understands it all and then, everything changes again and returns to it's perfectly pristine wonderfulness and beauty and love love love reigns brighter than the age of aquarius and shines through us all…

huh?...

ah, yes, perhaps… kapish?

if i ever finish a thought, or complete one, i'll be sure to ask you to be sure to let me know so i can be the first one to tell you that you'll be the first to know…

so why don't i sleep?... some sort of lingering longing, to be sure, but perhaps it is my own very effective way of joining the human race's obsession with slow suicide… i was much younger in the years i slept when i felt tired and did not interfere with this body's natural circadian rhythm… it has little to do with time, and everything to do with how time is used, or passed, or whatever we do with it… i really wouldn't mind some wild sex right about now, but that's only one thing i'd like to do with time… times has so much potential and is so versatile, after all… mostly it's wasted…

yeah, i'm still awake…

again…

how are you? :)

yeah, i'm still awake…

sorta... foolish as ever, what with the temperature down in the thirties tonight and expected temps around fifty for the game i am pitching tomorrow night... on next to no sleep... i used to love this madness when i was younger and more hopeful and felt i had all the time in the world to share so the sharing could wait while i wandered aimlessly through the random experiences that made up this experience i call life... now, well, i still love it, but i just feel more wistful or something like that cuz there is less time to share with each day that passes and i the body is no longer as flexible and resilient as it once was so the sharing will be much more limited in this physical world... alas, the memories are wonderful and the opportunities missed, spilled milk... or spilt, in some circles...

foolish, did i mention foolish?... i mean, here i am lamenting over my miniscule experience and loneliness and such as if it matters in the big scheme of things, oh the drama queenness of it all... after all, in a hundred or so years as the sun enters the part of the sky we call aquarius and the 1% of the water on this planet that is drinkable starts running out because humans still will not have learned to conserve resources or respect the planet, this body that longs for love and chocolate and cheese dripping pizza and love (did i mention love?) will be long dead and if i am still conscious i will be even less (or more) amused by the rantings and ravings of the suicidal species i was once visiting...

of course i should get more sleep, that way i wouldn't be foaming at the mouth about future doom and prophetic spacemen or cosmic influences to distract myself from the ocean of loneliness that sings Carpenter's songs at this wonderful hour because i am wide awake at 4am again and dancing with the stars instead of sleeping and being sensible... singing long into the silent night...

do your pipes leak?...

so anyway, i just thought i'd stop by here to let us all know that i survived yet another day and didn't fall over naked in the storm of passion or business or whatever it is goes on in the world outside my head while i am working and playing and wishing on stars for peace on earth and good will and brotherhood and sisterhood and some nookie on the side and in the middle and all night long can we sing a song would it be so wrong just to love love love all we need is a chance, a chance to get in our pants, drop pants and let the wind blow, oh, let it go let it flow let it show let it grow let it grow and... show the world what you know...

boredom in the middle of the night is a dangerous thing for a babbling fool, aye?...

i thank you for yur well wishes, for you kind words, and for your hope for my salvation... if you were here i would hug you because i appreciate caring and hugging is a wonderful way to show appreciation... i wouldn't even get fresh...

i hope you are enjoying your night, even if it is day where you are or whenever you read this... usually i get the entries out before midnight on the pacific coast, but it's even late there and all the smart people are asleep, probably...

i think i'll take a brief nap now, before tomorrow starts all over again to imitate today...

nite nite :)

less activity = less sleep

but that is not good for the head or the body... so i am currently meeting with myself and the others who often occupy the head i know as mine in this life to discuss the recent years of vegetative suicidal choices (like eating the typical national diet, for one) and hopefully in a non-specific amount of linear time i shall emerge from the deliberations with a new drug attitude and determination to actualize myself, instead of coalescing with the status quo around me...

maybe a flight of fancy out to the west coast would help...

but for the moment, between headaches and body stiffness from poor diet and lack of exercise (and age?... no, we shall not accept any concept of oldness or giving up on the anything is possible philosophy today... ok, that's good), i shall observe the conference call between my ears and hope for the best...

or to say it a slightly other way:

ok, so i found a few rhymes rolling out today, between TV distractions (Precious wanted to watch American Idol) and talking to this body that is being quite distracting of late, what with the hamstring and bloatedness and in the past twenty four or so hours, adjusting to a dietary change of eliminating processed sugar and fat crap and starting to eat healthier food which is usually accompanied by a lingering frontal lobe headache (and tonight is no exception)… hopefully i will maintain discipline and move through this initial stage to the change of habit stage and maintain it for a few months in spite of the unhealthy influences around me (near and far)… anyway, the rhymes, like the videos and other thoughts that grow on the branches off the tree of madness (see right sidebar) will find their way out on the web somewhere when i find time and motivation to figure out where they belong…

well that was a little different, anyway...

inter-cranial round tables almost always emit rhyming particles, it's basic bio-chemical-physics as far as i am concerned... i should listen to my own music now and then… most of all, i must stop waiting for someone else to come along to lead me back to where i belong... almost nobody cares that much (and it's rare to meet an almost nobody, especially in real time in real life offline)... so even though i do not particularly want to do it all by myself all over again (haven't we been in this loop a few times in this blog alone?... stupid is as stupid does... but i am an innocent man, and it's not just a song... amazing, isn't it?... so many layers, levels, statues without limitations... all spiced with self-mockery, naturally, of course, ya know... who could ever connect to them all... no less it... yeah, that magical mystical it, not IT, or even it, but simply it... and the boy asked, "all of it?" and the other spoke, "no need to say all of it, for it is all..." and i wander off into the conversation no one is part of outside of my mind, so excuse me whilst i close this parentheses and continue the blog entry without me)...

i wish you peace, i wish you love
i wish you dreams that you dream of
i wish you time to live and share
i wish you someone there to care
someone who knows you through and through
someone who gives the same to you
someone who creates the ultimate two
someone who makes all your dreams come true

even if it's almost nobody who can, i hope you find your almost nobody... soon :)

my latest distraction

gonna take my own advice and lay down to see if sleep is ready for me or i am ready for it... until next time, i leave you with my latest distraction...

nite nite :)

do what i say, not what i do, or at least not what i say i do

fact is, i have not made the time this weekend to do laundry and that is a sign that i have not made the time for the home me (homie?) and that means the writer was not given the time and direction/focus to write… much TV distraction, and some outdoor wandering (Raspy drove around rather aimlessly with the top down), but no time for the words… that is not a good sign, so what am i hiding (or hiding from?)…

bloatedness, for one thing… i think it was last week that i told myself (and even told Rasputin) that the free-for-all pigging out stopped today (that today was last weekend, i think, as i said, before even)… i did not follow through on my statement and that would be an irritant to my psyche, because i seldom do not follow through on my out-loud spoken statements, but enough to turn off the truth-seeking missile that are my free-associating missives?... perhaps, but maybe not…

overall environs respect seems to have weakened to nil...

whatever, still, it sucks that i let this body regain the thirty or so pounds it lost last year…. and feeling sorry for myself because nobody around here (meaning the physical space, not meaning you guys in cyberspace) cares is a piss poor excuse for stupidity that i rarely used to tolerate from myself for more than a day or few… and i am not even pouring the crap out into the lands of the mostly dead, i am just letting it fester and propagate within my psyche…

i really don't want to be this mentally ill (and should not be laughing, right), but apathy and ambivalence are ganging up on me and i'm just spiting my nose to cut off my face… or something like that… as if someone might care if i toy around with the typical human suicidal tendencies that are so prevalent in our culture… but nobody does care… everybody just wants to join me in the next all-you-can-eat buffet pig-out…

i did pitch a softball game, walked none, but the team behind me could not catch, throw, or show any awareness of what to do with the ball after they chased it down, so the team lost as expected… hopefully the coach will drill some drills into their heads and teach them some skills… skills with drills... meanwhile, playing with people who really do not know how to play is quite dangerous for a guy with a torn hamstring because there are way too many opportunities to chase an errant ball that someone threw wildly or someone else just missed and i will definitely not heal if i let my instincts have me jumping after errant balls…

alas, nobody's perfect… i did set the healing back a week or so by straining the tear just a bit one time (and just one time is all it takes, kind of like you can't be partially pregnant) and that reminder kept me from doing it again… one of these days i will be healed and hopefully find myself pitching for a team that has some skills and not be among the cellar dwellers, but mostly i just want to be on a team that keeps the score close enough to play a full game… it's a long ride for a shortened game due to the rules of the scoreboard…

when Precious got home she wanted to turn on the oscars, so i watched the awards given to actors for roles and movies i mostly did not see… and while semi-glancing up, i wandered through posts at tom lundy's blog (another recommendation from the impulsive parts of the psyche... go see) and found much reason to ponder when i have more time to ponder… like why are we still not calling our government out on the hypocrisy of pointing fingers at others for human rights violations and dictatorship-like bullying while we still keep occupying forces in foreign countries for more than sixty years…

meanwhile, i continue popping entries into other branches off the tree of madness and seem to be pondering expanding the video blogs (the video me and random pop news) that sprouted from the trunk a few months back… and tonight i returned to pondering yet another related to modern techno-stuff that seem fun to play with…

but really, i should be sleeping…

so nite nite and i hope you had a wonderful weekend and make this a wonderful week cuz you deserve all the wonderful you can create… even if you doubt it or flat out don't believe it, you do... deserve it… so do it… after a good night's sleep…

the caring never ends

I did not forget, in case you wondered, in case you read me here... i wouldn't know and you may never tell me... or maybe you never will find me even as much as i put myself out here on the web in so many places, in so many ways... real name, real address, real telephone number, all right here on the sidebar and dozens of other places on the web... because caring never ends... because no matter what was, what is can be better... because no matter the happy or sad, the pleasure or pain, the success and failures, the sunshine and rain... the love continues... the caring never ends...

happy birthday

somewhere between real life and illusion is play

for regular viewers, i left one of my not-quite-patented humbly emocentric self-mocking yet secretly honest and mostly sincere response comment to your treasured comments in the comments section of Tuesday's entry… quite revealing, as usual (sarcastic too) as some of the secrets never told before are inspired by your queries and comments as i respond in my comments in my comments… dontcha just love a good double take?...

ah, i so adore being the center of attention for a moment… thank you for giving me that gift… maybe that is one of the things about blogging out here in the public net that keeps me coming back… that little kid inside who dreams of being a star… that egocentric me-self that we all expressed so honestly and openly at one or two years old (or other ages for some people), before fear, shame, and conformity was beaten into our psyches… out here, in the privacy of our public writing, we are masters of the moment… the words we choose create the mood, the situation, the thoughts, feelings, and presentation… and for just the few moments you read (and if I am lucky, respond), i am the center of the universe… sorta…

no wonder i grin and giggle a lot behind the scenes…

meanwhile, speaking of the past that was almost not the past because it really wasn't as much the past as the time date stamp might make it seem, i slipped a grated cheese type entry in between the last entry and this entry because there was a day missing, like so many days have been in the past month or two and i found myself sitting here inspired to ramble a bit tonight in spite of the televised distractions that were pouring out of the cathode ray tube after a good day of rushes from indulging my generosity and love of giving to finding a way to pitch (see next paragraph) and feel as good about myself and life and people in general in spite of their mostly suckageness in empirical reality as i have in days, or longer even, or since the bloated days began last year, at least, and decided it was time to open the word sleuths (i mean those dike dam pressure release valves or doors or whatever they are) for a few moments and this is the result…

i apologize to the pope and all the gods for the previous entry…

meanwhile, in real life, i pitched a whole lot tonight and fielded just a bit and found a way to do it that created no pain… that's a big YAY for me, cuz i really want to start the new league that starts Sunday as the pitcher for the team… i heard from the coach of that team and she said she will accept whatever i can do if i can pitch, even if it means i'll be an easy out at the plate for a while until the leg heals enough to run… i just need to train myself to control the instincts and tonight, i succeeded (though it was just a practice night cuz neither team had enough players show up cuz it rained just before the game and traffic was bad and half of our team simply decided they would not show up… no wonder we only won one game this year…

i am learning very clearly that the body eats muscle tissue before it eats fat tissue… when i am feeling hungry (that's genuine hunger as opposed to emotional or psychological hunger and yes, i can tell the difference when i want to), the hamstring hurts more… and even after a full day of walking and using the leg, eating, especially eating protein, almost instantly (well, within a half hour or so) correlates with the leg not only feeling better, but i was able to pitch tonight and feel goog afterward and the strain/pain i was feeling all day was gone… unfortunately, that means i will not be dieting during this healing process and since i am exercising less vigorously, i will likely gain weight as this body does that way too easily…

sigh, it sucks to be a consciously aware healthy sex maniac in a sloppy bloated body… sloppy bodies are repulsive to libido, so it's a catch-22, if you follow the reasoning of the reality i create for myself in this physical world these days… i don't want to sleep alone, but i don't want to sleep with a sloppy body, but i live in a sloppy body, so i sleep alone… wonder what would happen if a libido fantasy showed up and wanted to sleep with me… i'll keep you posted…

well, what can i say, i am obviously in a rather irreverent mood and humping what might be considered controversial topics in our culture… shock value amuses me sometimes, i mean, why should the news and Hollywood get all the cheap thrills… have you ever seen TMZ?… sounds like a strange new sexually transmitted disease, doesn't it?... well, in an ironically metaphorical way, it is… the hard news show it isn't just told me that Selma Hayek and Kate Hudson and other of my libido fantasies were advised to take gammagobulin shots for possible exposure at Ashton's birthday party last month cuz one of the waiters there tested positive for Hepatitis A… oh dang, now i' might actually hesitate for several microseconds before sleeping with them both…

I'll leave it for you to ask and answer the question on everyone's mind now, is this mental masturbation or am i just faking it… surely the cast of Airplane and The Naked Gun combined could not figure it out from way over there, but that's the fun of it, the distance makes the heart grow fonder, or maybe it makes the flesh grow harder, or something like that… titillating?... how does one write stimulating adult fiction, anyway?... i suppose one would start by not using the word titillating… unless, of course, one was mocking one's self or the cultural hang ups about sexuality or perhaps the lack of it therein or something obscured by run on sentences that lose the train of thought because the rails run out or maybe even got derailed somewhere along the way when nobody was really following along mostly because the writer wasn't… of course you have the ball, so to speak…

i really am enjoying playing softball, even with a gimpy leg… i would have started playing flag football last weekend, but that requires a working leg… both, actually… and then there's a bowling meetup that starts next month, but i'm probably not going to be ready for that… and then there are the runs that i was supposed to start doing and hopefully i will be able to start for real one more time before i die sometime during the spring… but probably not in time for the March run for kidneys at Disney that i already signed up and paid for… alas, all the sexy runner girls will just have to wait to oogle my magnificent form and style…

what did you expect as a sequel to the previous entry, something spiritual and puritanical and religious-like?... hey, i apologized, whatdya want me to do, confess?... ok, i did it… i did that too… yes, i probably did the other thing too, but i forget some things when it's convenient… see what indulging my love of giving does? (see Tuesday's comments)... what, turn me into a blasphemous hellraiser?... or maybe i'm just so giddy with life and being me that the frustration of not having time for daily babble and the self-destructive ways compounded by the achy breaky leg merging with the lonelies and a touch of the lack of touch and a neglected ego and this that and the other thing all combining to discombobulate the video game of life in my head and result in an apoplexy of indiscriminate farting in the general direction of the establishment or any establishment that happens along…

power to the people right on…

thanks for playing along and i hope you don't have too much of a mess to clean up….

all the news that's fit to shit

the news report said: "stay inside from dusk to dawn" due to a virus carried by mosquitoes that apparently is quite fatal and, to quite the newsperson, if you do live, chances are your brain will not work the same"… maybe the news people are virus survivors… i'm not sure whether to be scared of the mosquito or scared of the state of the news media these days… need i mention that they reported the story with dramatic pauses, theatrical presentations, and the excitement of a new parent telling you that "it's a boy" (or girl, or "twins!" for that matter…

of course that was in between some reporter drooling over how hot Megan Fox is (who is Megan Fox?) as if that is all the news that's fit to print too (was the guy paid for the plug or something?)… the undisguised glee with which the newscasters over-dramatized and attempt to way-over-personalize every news story would leave the average wimp-minded human believing the world truly revolves around him or her… pandering to the two year old in every grown human is the news business these days… the news has become a series of massive car accidents and newscasters over-zealous tour guides pointing out the blood and guts and trauma and shocking sights to the gawking audience (us)… what's that about bias?... who me?...

and then there's the news report of the doctors who stopped prescribing birth control pills because it's against their religion even though they were prescribing them for years… the catholic medical association (did you know there was a CMA?) urges doctors to stop prescribing the pill and tries to present what they call scientific evidence that birth control pills are dangerous… reminds me of the religions that demand you let your child die rather than accept any sort of modern medicine (and the difference between those once called savages and witch doctors is?... nevermind)… of course there are religions killing people all the time in much more direct ways, like just shooting them or blowing them up… at least the stoning stopped… or did it?...

ah, there i go again… once again offering proof of why it is best for me to stay away from the religious… not that there isn't some good in religions… i mean, just cuz i don't see it doesn't mean it's not there… ultimately, i think the whole higher power concept fell victim to the same over-dramatization and narrow-minded self-centered perspective that dominates most human thinking and behavior… it's not god's fault, after all…

unless he really did create everything, knows everything, and has the power to do anything, that is… in that case, he or she or it might have a little responsibility for the human race and it's foibles and murderous tendencies… i wonder how the defense of free will would go over with a jury of his/her/its peers…

no wonder my audience is limited, aye?...

but come on, people are paying big bucks for a pretzel because they claim they see some religious image in the twisted bread?... as usual, the news story is the center of much interest… to each their own, live and let live, and far be it for me to judge anyone on their taste in art or what they spend their money on… i do have the right to laugh though… (see the video)

I wonder why the holy pretzel did not stay up on ebay until March first as it was supposed to… act of ebay gods?...

maybe we should stick to the big news stories, like the new Playboy energy drink that is the drink of playmates and their lovers alike… ok, so maybe that isn't how it's being marketed… yet… can i get a few bucks if they use that?... Playboy Energy Drink, the choice of playmates and their lovers… Playboy Energy Drink, for men who want to be on top of things… Playboy Energy Drink, it'll keep you up all night… Playboy Energy Drink, when you want to keep on going and going and going… ok, so the last one was a bit of plagiarism… but if they're willing to steal from me, then why not another bunny?...

yeah, ok, that's the news for tonight… well, ok, so it wasn't all the news, but didn't you know that headlines lie?... nyuk nyuk nyuk...

see why i'm not on TV?...

but Penn & Teller and George Carlin are, and remember, owners don't want smart slaves (with graphics, even, thanks to puppetgov.com)… ta-da!

just a moment again

i never did find time to upload all the entry bits piling up... there are even entry bits piling up for other blogs... but i must find sleep cuz the body is trying to heal and without sleep it will not heal well... one of these days the floodgates will burst, somewhere, somehow… just not today…

the body really does eat muscle tissue before fat tissue when it slides into starvation mode during a fast... i learned this today... i must eat much protein to help the hamstring heal... i must eat minimal carbs and fats to keep the body from bloating up during this more-than-ever sedentary period mandated by the hamstring... i also must make time to exercise the muscles that do not need relative immobilization, especially the upper body... yes, this is what i must do... will i?...

there's always hope...

meanwhile, there is much to tell and share and enjoy and i hope to have time to write it all down one of these days... until then, i hope you are enjoying your life and taking care of yourself and know i appreciate your reaching out and leaving me words... like my last comment in the previous entry said:

as silly as it seems on some levels, your words here mean so much cuz they are the only words that really express caring for me in this world these days...

maybe pathetic, maybe sad, maybe joyous for realizing truth and being aware is joyous for me, but it is life as i know it and i embrace it and appreciate knowing that the best parts are the best parts and you are among the best parts… so there, you can all turn red and blush now…

most seriously, i have not had the time to visit much... i wish i had more time to visit with you and read and comment and let you know i care and wish we could be closer friends, but between work and the social life i am developing and the sports i am getting back into and sleep (something i really need more of), i spend less time on the net than i have in years... so i do not have the time to leave seductive or witty or clever little comments on your blogs that compel you to visit here and expose your idyllic worship of my irresistible literary personality... alas, all the missed opportunities, aye?...

maybe i should have said mostly seriously...

ok, true deal... i wish more of you would visit more and worship me more leave your words of wisdom here, come to know me, let me know you, and realize how we are friends who should stay in touch more often... no really, i am serious... just look at the sidebar, for gosh sakes, you are revered beyond your wildest dreams... respected and admired and most welcome here...

and if you have the time, there is new growth on the branches off the tree of madness, not to mention other super secret ways of finding my indiscriminant asides and creative burps and life lessons and even videos and rhymes and stuff that falls out of my head (or bounces off it cuz some stuff just amuses me too much to stick after the laughter subsides)… i mean, if you have the time and feel withdrawals cuz you aren't getting enough of my amazing with and sparkling babbleosity…

ummmmm, wit, that's wit, not with, could be width, come to think of it, but not with, wit, definitely wit...

yeah, time for bed…

nite nite :)

and then, there was another day

meanwhile, in all the hubbub and excitement of the tale of the social life summary last night as i was nodding off, i neglected to mention work went fine and i almost got a little of my own work done, but i did start late (10ish) and leave early (3ish) and had a conference call with corporate for much of the afternoon… all is well, relative autonomy is wonderful… another left out portion of yesterday was that i had to take a detour to get to the theatre so i arrived way early bypassing the area where all the restaurants are located and after driving around the theatre for almost an hour in ever widening concentric circles, i discovered there is only one place to eat near the theatre and that is Buca de Beppo right across the street which i ruled out because i did not know they started serving meals for individuals… if you do not know the place, they are known for serving family-style platters of food that people share… but as i pulled up to park at the theatre i found another guy had shown up early and was intending to head to Buca to eat so we shared veal and ravioli's and fettuccini alfredo and yum yum and then we went to meet everybody else for the movie, which is about where where last night's entry began…

oh yeah, i also forget to mention that i went to an orthopedic surgeon yesterday morning before work and he cut my leg off at the hip…

some of you may be wondering just how it was possible to get an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon on a moment's notice at 9am on a Friday morning, well, never underestimate the negotiating skills of a hospital director type person in majorly serious pain… i begged… ultimately, they were happy to take my money…

and my leg…

ok, so i am mostly kidding… i got lucky that the doc would squeeze me in before his daily rush arrived and as most of you probably guessed, the doctor did not really cut off my leg at the hip…

he cut it off at mid-thigh…

ok, i'll stop… he told me to ice it three times a day, rest as much as possible (like stay off my feet?... how does one to do?), and start stretching gradually after a week or so… i asked him if cutting it off and putting it in the freezer for a week would work better and we shared a laugh, but he said no… he explained how muscles bleed when they are torn so a hematoma might develop and could be really big, but i shouldn't worry unless the pain gets worse cuz it's all part of the healing process of muscles… he also explained that any pain pills or anti-inflammatory drugs would make it bleed more, so none of that wussy stuff for the first few days… take it like a man, grin and bear it, rah rah rah...

i know most of this from my experience in emergency rooms and hospitals throughout my career… and i never believed pain pills were logical or wise, most of the time anyway, most especially for muscle pain, cuz the pain pills fool you into thinking you can move and you're likely to do more damage… pain is there to encourage limited movement cuz that is how muscles heal, especially in the first few days…

i've never had a muscle tear or pull before though… guess i'm lucky, i've always been athletic and flexible, especially my legs… i am being taught a lesson that i should be exercising and stretching more regularly now that i am actually playing organized sports a couple of times a week… dumb lazy bloated mindset must go… all by myself, alas, since nobody in the immediate vicinity of personal life has any interest in movement… of course having just two people in this vicinity doesn't help… but then, how many people do most people have in their daily personal home intimate spaces?...

and then i went to work… work went by quickly and sitting was a pain, pressure on the back of the thigh was not fun… as was standing up again, but then, walking wasn't much better… it's amazing how much we use hamstring muscles in the course of a day… i worked on the behavioral data report that is usually done in the first week of the month (what day is it now?) but was delayed due to the Joint Commission visit… i also worked on the new corporate data reports that we were going to review at the conference call… and then the conference call… and then, week over, go out to play and now, we are all caught up on yesterday…

was it good for you too?...

yeah, i know, it's amazing i still have a tongue in my mouth what with the amount of time it spends in my cheek, between teeth and all… you'd think i'd have inadvertently bitten it off by now… so how is life at your end of the internet?... i shall wander over to your words and see… make this a wonderful weekend no matter the challenges or hardships or whatever cuz you've got the power… use it for good, m'ok?...

all by myself, don't wanna be…

yeah, another night of social fun concludes with an empty seat beside me because even if anyone would have wanted to be here, no one fit the seat and i am still strong and wise enough to not be lonely enough to accept a compromise that would be based on pretense and not satisfy me.… there must be humans who understand this, even though most seem to disregard the logic and accept temporary compromise that leads to stressful, often unpleasant or conflicted, and even violent (at least emotionally) ends… but this lonely time is not fun when it lasts too long…

still, i would much rather a time of no fun than a time of unsatisfying compromise or conflict…

so i come here again because my imaginary friend remains constant and available, if only in my mind, through the words that flow when i remember as i am doing right now, which usually happens when i realize how alone i am in the physical world, which reminds me of how connected everything is and how alone is just a state of mind because everything is part of everything and that makes me one with everything so i am all and all is one and we are all together… including the eggman, of course…

we (me and forty-odd of my close personal meetup friends) saw Persepolis tonight, an interesting, if superficial black and white cartoon story about a kid growing up in a upper middle class Iranian family (who had the means to send her to Vienna for schooling)… at times heavy handed and at times obviously fabricated attempts at humor, it is not for me to say how realistic it is from an Iranian perspective, but it was passably real from a western perspective (which is relatively ignorant of the Iranian experience such as depicted in the film)… in spite of the fact that the dialogue is fast French and keeping up with the English subtitles takes much concentration that can detract from the visuals at times, the film received much acclaim and is worth a look…

after the film about fifteen of us went to Panera for snacks and conversation, which was fun, and after Panera closed six of us stood outside chatting a while longer… chat chat chat, we did the small talk… i remember five out of six names… i think the sixth person's name begins with an S… we were three girls and three boys, but for me… no chemistry at all, for me at least… tonight i am picking up someone who lives in the apartments around the corner and we are going to the game meetup cuz it's 45 minutes away and we are wise enough to car pool… and so goes the tale of the social life so far…

cuz the world wants to know, right?...

i shall guffaw myself to sleep now…

nite nite…

ouchie

for the first time in my hundred thousand years of this physical lives, i heard (and felt) the pop of a muscle that would not quite go where the brain told it to go... left hamstring, partial tear i reckon, cuz i can still walk and breathe without dying from pain... bummer of much regard, what with my commitments to two leagues to pitch... i knew i should have gone on the juice... a sorrowful aside to the ridiculous mockery of justice and our attention spans (not to mention our tax dollars) that congress is giving us lately... we're fucking at war in Iraq and they are debating with a drug dealer and pitcher over what may or may not have happened in a locker room in 1999... anything to get their ugly greedy manipulative faces on TV... it's sickening...

there is definitely some serious pain firing through the back of the left thigh whenever i move certain ways and i haven't quite figured out how to go through life without moving those certain ways, partly cuz i keep finding new certain ways of inciting more nerve endings to scream much louder than the constant companion, tinitus, ever dared... shit, pitching this Sunday might be quite a chore... in fact, walkiing this Sunday might be a miracle... but then, it's not like i'm asking to walk on water or anything... much...

the saddest thing of all is that i have no nurse... nobody in this life nearby cares enough to nurse me at a moment like this, so i drag myself about with a heave and sigh, heavy on both, feeling so very all alone in this physical life... somewhere in the back of my mind some doctor is telling me to ice it, to wrap it and ice it to reduce the swelling and then keep it warm and rest and stay off the leg for a few days and do you think i'm listening?... about as much as i listen to the same doctor telling me to stop eating that extra portion of some fattening stuff because the extra pounds are driving the blood pressure up and i really should consider starting to take the medicine again in spite of the cynicism about the modern medical profession... did i mention the doctor in my head is a witch doctor?...

stop laughing, it's the saddest thing of all, after all...

no really, it is very very sad... to be so very all alone at moments like these... and to know that the reckless child inside is gonna say fuckit, just do it, when the moment comes to take the ball and try to pitch... cuz there's nobody to sit and heal with and i'm tired of sitting around waiting for someone to come around to care and share all that cathartic wildness and quiet times too... i'm not going back to the vegetable life just cuz i've only got one leg... i can still hop, dammit!...

someone must be laughing now, though it don't seem funny somehow... yeah, old Harry lyrics... somebody must know what in the hell i am talking about in all my seemingly aimless rambles and apparently random asides... so much is not as random as it may seem, but stop all that lamenting because it's really not good for healing, at all... and healing fast is what i must do before the depression sets in and turns me back into a dying couch swan looking at social security like it's some sort of birthday party... fuck it hurts... look, i'm even using descriptive language to express myself for a change...

actually, i think there might be a certain numbness settling in... though i've thought that several times earlier tonight and it was just faux numbness, the legg was just playing possum, cuz all of a sudden i found one of those certain ways to move and the stars were spinning around like in cartoons after anvils fall on heads... except the stars were burning into the back of my leg, in this case... i still love stars though, it's not their fault they fit so well into this metaphor...

have i mentioned lately how much i adore Melissa Etheridge?... i wish she was my sister, or maybe she'd be a good nurse... i'm enjoying more music, in between gasps of shock that follow the sudden re-awareness of the injury i keep trying to forget... those dang certain ways... there are way too many of them... and i got another hit tonight too... legged out a pop up over the pitcher's head... that's not what did the hammy in... what popped the hammy was the overwork i put both hammies through by having to walk and bend for every return through from the would-be catcher combined with the chilly night combined with fatigue combined with being run down and just plain sick (pneumonia is knocking on one of my lungs, at least) combined with a lack of regular exercise (running, gym, sex, and so on) and most of all, the soft pop up that was almost caught by the pitcher that the player (who just happened to be the catcher who worked me over by not catching or throwing the ball) hit after i got to first that had be start to second, stop short, then bolt to second again after the pitcher did not catch the soft pop... it was just as i started that second bolt that the hammy went pop... weird feeling... sucked to be me...

also sucks that this laptop will not burn CDs as i keep putting music together in my head (and in my ears) that i would like to burn and further, iTunes is a pain in the proprietary ass (much like microsoft) as converting files back from the better sounding apple lossless to mp3 so i can upload them to the web on a playlist or my site takes a reseting of preferences and folders and really way more work than it should so eventually i'm just gonna re-import all the cds as mp3s for convenience and that'll lead me to need another mybook even faster, but s'ok, cuz it'll be better sound and more convenience... when i have the time...

i could really find so much to bitch about tonight if i wanted to... cuz that's what happens when a human pulls a hamstring, much bitching about everything... especially when the new more active life was just getting off the ground and every good sense screams stop right there and take a couple of weeks off in bed, or at least doing next to nothing cuz even driving (with a clutch) will add undo stress to the muscle and further exacerbate the injury... damn witch doctor... shoulda never sent the boy to school, ma...

now, of course (well, it's of course in my brain anyway), i do not want to lay down and sleep because i suspect i might not rise to a standing position too easily tomorrow and i've already taken two days off this week to let the lungs fight off the little buggers and i have an important conference call tomorrow...

more further concurrent suckage is that i don't even have a doctor anymore... after all the money a half dozen doctors made off my insurance companies the past few years, none of them want to see me anymore and they are even sending me bills as if they suddenly, after all these years, started charging more than my insurance company will pay... it's probably Blue Cross trying to deny claims too as they are so apt to do... so i searched for new local doctors and tomorrow i may call a few in the morning... and maybe i'll call the old doctors to ask them what the fuck gives with these bills over and above what insurance pays that they never sent me while i was seeing them every few months... i'm ready to become a crotchety old hermit who doesn't trust doctors, banks, or anything humans do or touch... or maybe that's a stray dog, but anyway, it should not be early as funny as it all seems to me and my shadow...

but then, we're raping children for oil and still laughing about it in high places, so maybe we simply get what we deserve for our apathy and selfishness and fear... remember, the terrorists are coming... not to mention all that other stuff neatly tucked away in so many different corners of the blogmind… so tuck and nibble (or duck and cover, if you have no imagination left… you could always get it wrong and still enjoy it cuz, after all, everything is news and entertainment in our modern pop culture)… i refuse to give in to fear cuz i promised myself this year and i feel like i owe it to someone…

but that's not why i don't cut my hair, you know… well, you oughta know cuz i've mentioned it enough… i'm waiting for someone to play with it and create something from it (or something like that)… which is about as meaningful in the grand scheme of things in this culture as the last bomb dropped on some Cambodian village when we were supposed to be helping the people of Vietnam… wait, did i mean Iran and Iraq?... crafty terrorists, never know where they'll pop up next to give us a self-righteous excuse to plunder and pillage in the name of god as so many fallen empires have done before… might as well be playing bop a mole…

it's not as if these amazing witticisms are shaking up the political, social, or economic landscape, but it's nice of you to notice… and pitiful as the reality of the fact is, i come here tonight instead of sleep because i have a bigger boo boo than i had last night and you are the only people i know in this whole world who care enough to take me even a little seriously… not that i am asking you to kiss my ass or anything (ok, truth now, who walked right into that one?... it wasn't planned, really, but the mind plays tricks on me and sometimes, if you are following along, well… i can only hope you find the laughter where i do…

but it really does hurt like hell (whimper, sincerely)…

scary emotions, these vulnerable moments… especially when the last hundred cds are playing at random on shuffle and the BeeGees start singing Run To Me which too perfectly leads into the past and wonderfully cathartic rainbows shine through the wells of tears that spring from eyes who remember and continue (instead of just remembering and wallowing) like Melissa Etheridge singing ?I Wanna Be In Love and the Carpenters singing Need to Be In Love and I remember the Association singing Cherish and Bread singing If as the deepest wishes of the heart rise to fly again with Be MyBaby (cuz deep down, that's what i think we all want most of all, to unconditionally trust and love so much we are somebody's baby… which is why The Waterboys flew back up to the top of my personal charts once again, albeit perhaps for a short-lived stay as i do not want to be sad, but much as Stevie Nicks' Beautiful Child remains a core song, i feel The Waterboys provided a few more, once again…



thank goodness for music or i'd truly be so very all alone so much more…

maybe i'll chance a little sleep now…

nite nite…

it's not that I don't love you
I love everyone and everything
not superficially either
if you know me you know what I mean

I believe in honesty
and I don't want to lead you on
it's not that you were meant for me
but you inspired this song

I want to kiss you
lend me your lips?
can we share a moment
of sensual bliss?
I want to kiss you
your lips make me weak
beyond all the words
lips can speak
I want to kiss you
and not on the cheek
now I'm not looking beyond this
all I want to do is share a kiss

it's not that I don't love you
but this is a sensuality thing
passion is not superficial
it is a moment of eternity

I want to give you this moment
and then you might go on your way
to find another who is meant for you
but while we are here today

I want to kiss you
give me your lips?
can we share a moment
of sensual bliss?
I want to kiss you
your lips make me weak
beyond all the words
lips can speak
I want to kiss you
and not on the cheek
now I'm not looking beyond this
all I want to do is share a kiss

lips touching lips
the texture of tongue
breathing in unison
tasting as one
letting go of our minds
feeling no time or space
as everything becomes
lips sharing grace
if you've never known such bliss
then you've never known... a kiss

some might tell you instant bliss is wrong
and they might be afraid of life itself
all I know is the truth in this song
the choice is yours to make for yourself

I want to kiss you
will you share your lips?
can we share a moment
of sensual bliss?
I want to kiss you
your lips make me weak
beyond all the words
lips can speak
I want to kiss you
and not on the cheek
now I'm not looking beyond this
all I want to do is share a kiss

emo, but who cares

wow, yesterday was a day of torture as some bug (pneumonia, if you ask my instincts) was demanding refuge in this body and this body reacted by producing enough mucous and body heat to marinate and fry a horse (it'll be a cliché someday. trust the prophets, or language gods, right) and i laid out wherever i sat down and slept in various awkward positions for most of the day, except when i woke and noticed the torture… it reach proportions so massive that i actually too an ibuprofen, which is so rare that it might be the first time this century that i took any sort of pain killer or cold medicine other than an antibiotic or cough drop… major severity, profound intensity, yes, the battle was waged at subatomic levels inside this body and war movie fans would be proud…

for what it's worth, i do not enjoy war movies… and i suppose that especially true when this body is the battlefield… so last week i was too busy to write and upload and this week, so far, i've been too distracted by the war movie going on inside of this body… i wish i could say that the good news is i was so sick for so long that i lost weight, but as usual, my appetite did not suffer… whether it's feed a fever and starve and cold or feed a cold and starve a fever, i fed… those of you who are amused have a similarly warped sense of humor that may not actually have an appropriate word to describe it, but we know it when we sense it…

so let's see (that's catch-up talk for let's take a look at the blog, see how many entries were missed, see what's been scribbled in the scribble places here and there, and see about filling in the gaps and continuing the never ending saga of blah, blah, and blah blah blah that amounts to whatever this and all the other blogs every blogged might ever become, ever, even)… it's been a while since i sat down here with nothing on my mind and nowhere to go in the next few moments and just let the thoughts of the day or week or whenever or from wherever and beyond and anon just flow into words…

and as i recently remember noting, the world still whirls around… or spins, for that matter… nothing like disappearing for a while to remind one of just how relatively unimportant and meaningless one is in the grand scheme of things or even in the small life one lives… and as long as i am alone, especially when i am feeling wounded or weak or have a boo-boo and no one to kiss it and at least psychologically and emotionally make it better, i shall feel the twinges (and occasional supernova-like explosions) of loneliness and continue writing it all down, reaching out, hoping it means something somewhere on that intimate sharing level that is missing from actual life here today…

ah, now we see why i have started to keep myself too busy to think much… so let's see about this catching up we are here to do… it would seem that as this year we call 2008 began, my interest in socializing out in the physical world increased dramatically and my interest in communicating online, recording myself in words for posterity, and feeding my ego on the pretense that i have an uncountable number of insatiable fans devoted to reading my every word dramatically decreased rather simultaneously, leaving us with gaps between entries that we've rarely seen before in many years of online blogging… the excuse i had been using to keep me from going out was the bloated laziness and not feeling physically attractive at this body's energy level and libido so therein was not attracted to others who would be attracted to me now and while that is still as true as ever, it was no reason not to go out and socialize… so i don't suppose it was really much of an excuse and as soon as meetup started presenting the opportunities, i'm out practically every night…

one of these days i'll decide it's time to get intimate with someone again and rebuild this body enough to raise it's physical energy level enough to connect with others as i'd like and until then i know the twinges (and supernovae) will come and go when i am alone… until then i will continue enjoying the increased activities and socializing… at least until i get bored again…

is this catching up?... well, yes, if you know me… catching up usually starts with an introspective look at the state of the being with an overview of the current state of affairs… and though it is scratching the surface, it is enough for me for it serves as a map or compass that let's me know the depths are still there when someone finally arrives ready, willing, and able to share more… and in keeping with the surface summary, now it's time to look at where i've been…

Jan 23th (Enzian) The Savages… using the calendar on the right sidebar, starting with this date simply because i don't remember much before this date except that i was busy and didn't record or update the schedule for a week or two before this date, we recall The Savages… it was a film… it was amusing, though not too memorable… the people, the primary film group (the one i attend most), were their usual polite and interesting selves… and then came Jan 24th (...) and a softball game… i didn't play, the team did better than the first week, but lost… we did choose a new coach, which was a shot in the arm… then came Jan 25th and dinner at the Mellow Mushroom, a pizza restaurant that i'd never been too… they pride themselves on using much organics and in using less cheese, i imagine it is healthier than most pizza and Italian places… i wanna go again… and the people, a whole new group, added a couple of dozen new names and faces to my newly awakened social sphere… afterwards, we went to the Cheesecake Factory for desert (at least I think that was this night) and i called Precious to come over cuz i knew she was home alone and probably didn't eat… the group planned for monthly outings for the next few months and seemed quite organized… i'll be back…

then there was Jan 26th and a dinner and movie meetup at Festival Bay (another of the many malls in this mall-filled town)… another new group and i did not find them for dinner as they were in a back room that was hidden as you had to almost walk through the kitchen to find it, but i did get to meet a few of them at the movie 27 Dresses, which was an amusing romantic comedy (the movie, not the group) reminiscent of many other amusing romantic comedies, though not one i'll cry over again and again… the group was small and dispersed immediately after the film, so oh well, we'll try the meeting people part again next time… I'm not sure what happened to Jan 27th and something came up on Jan 28th that helped me forget going to see Manchester Orchestra at The Social, dangit, but i think i had fun anyway… I'm bored with this already…

maybe i'll continue another time…

i think this was monday night

this entry is a response to comments from the previous entry, or Friday's entry if another entry ever gets slipped in between, and i have lots of partial entries and scribbles to upload, so might as well start with this one... a lot more eloaborating would be done right now if i wasn't such a sick puppy... so for anyone who missed this in comments, here... and for anyone not understanding the flow, see the comments to Friday's entry... and for anyone who cares, yay... and for anyone who doesn't, boo... and for now, on with the comment entry written monday night, i think...

.

i feel like crap, a head full of snot, but i'm taking two days off and Rasputin actually did some massive cleaning today not done, but major change)... so in spite of the head respiratory clog, i'm a very happy camper... excited to have a couple of sudden days off where once would have been work for others...

The Waterboys latest CD is growing on me, as their CDs usually do... my first reaction was what happened?... referring to Mike Scott's lyrics and their unique sound... but it's slowly showing through the new CD, simply because Mike Scott has a style and voice i love and the rest of The Waterboys compliment him well...

I napped after work in a somewhat less cluttered space and I just might pick up all of Precious's stuff from the living room floor and put it on the couches and vacuum the place in the morning... that'll certainly help the nose...

and now, back to importing CDs to iTunes... I am using the Apple Lossless format cuz somebody told me it;s the best for retaining sound quality in spite of the large size of the files... it seems though that the size of the files might just as well be wav files and the conversion is merely making them playable on Apple equipment only, which means i may have to re-convert them back if i want to burn CDs for playing a copy in regular CD players, but that's for later redundancy...

iTunes provides a great database, actually, just not as manipulatable as an Access database i build myself and i have not found a way to cut, paste, or print the actual data in the database, so i am increasing the redundancy factor of my musical endeavors yet again by typing in the info i want from each CD into an Access database of my own design...

much like i did once upon a time...

the weekend was beautiful in spite of the head, Saturday was rest and Sunday was trying out for a new softball league (in spite of the head) and i'm the pitcher for the new team made up of the players that nobody else wanted on their teams... a few need to learn how to catch, throw, play a position, and pay attention to the game, but otherwise it'll be much fun, hysterically amusing, in fact...

the managers thanked me for pitching as they wouldn't have had one more team in their league without me as nobody else was going to pitch for this team of rejects, but hopefully we'll come together and they'll learn something about the game and pay attention and get better and have some fun... the manager says she is a hardass taskmaster who will focus on fundamentals and work us into shape...

today i went to work after pondering calling in and after checking the schedule, i told them i was taking Tuesday and Wednesday off... i would have left early, but admissions needed help and it was new employee orientation so i stuck it out and helped out by doing an intake assessment and doing some extra orientation training (besides the stuff i usually do) and started a project for my assistant to continue cuz it's so efficient he ran out of work to do again... Thursday i'll get back to my work... i'm such a hero, huh?...

don't miss the sarcasm to much...

i'm an ambivalent, somewhat apathetic roommate as i ignore the mess my roommates make and let the space become what it is, which is definitely not what i would make of it if i cared to mold it myself... i just tired of cleaning up after them years ago and accept complacency as a fair compromise for the company and drain on my economy and negative effects on my health and family feeling i sometimes get...

hmmmm, stop me before i re-evaluate my sanity once more...

actually, i don't pay rent, i pay all utilities, including phone, caple, internet, and whatnot... it varies from $400 to $600 a month, depending on time of year and incidental expenses... rent itself went up to almost $1300 this month cuz of the waffling about moving that led to us signing a 7 month lease and Raspy covers that... i spend more on food for them than they spend on me, so there's a strange balance that somehow we accept without counting pennies as a family sometimes does... a strange arrangement, perhaps, as Mike Scott might say...

as for thinking too much, i was referring almost entirely to that post that inspired that comment and did not realize that it was not you thinking, but rather James... i think you used to think too much, but as far as i can tell, you've found a way to relieve much of the pressure you used to have in your brain in the last year or so... of course this long distance assessment may be worthless and wrong, but then, i may be right, we may be crazy, or it just may be a lunatic i'm looking at, or for, even... where's the mirror?...

i respect your journey through sesshins much more than i mention it, but then, we must keep the cynic on toes, or something like that, so bravo on the side and laughter in the middle and love all around...

yeah, i've been putting my words and music into databases for a long time, though stopped back in the nineties when i let go of the material world again, sort of... but speaking of that database, sort of, see the once upon a time link above in this comment...

yeah, the first two or three thousand or so songs i put on this 500GB MyBook i bought were ripped as mp3s by itunes... i used to use EasyCD Creator, but iTunes was already installed with a lot of music on this laptop so i just went with it... this last batch of 100+ CDs i am importing to the drive are going in as Apple Lossless, just cuz i have the 500GB luxury of storage space... i thing i evenhear the different in sound quality, but then, that could just be psychological snobbery...

yeah, mac air... someday, maybe... i do have a G4 desktop with a 21 inch monitor sitting idle a few feet away that i've simply not made time to put plug in and explore... one of these days, when i am through loading all my music to this MyBook and have the extra time... and finally buy a comfortable desk chair... and maybe a desk...

and that's what you inspired with your comments, for which i am very thankful cuz in responding to you, i smiled a lot and cleared a few cobwebs from my head...

hope it was good for you too :)

and hope your world is wonderful tonight :)

and the world still spins around

just sitting here feeling bloated and stupid and so tired i hardly know i am excited as i am opening CD boxes cuz part of the massive order arrived… the CD order… from BMG music service… i joined and finally started feeding my addiction to collecting music again… the ten thousand vinyl recordings in storage may be warped by now… the few thousand CDs and video tapes might be damaged as well… and i am probably spending a small fortune on CDs that i already have in storage… but impulse and self-indulgence wins another battle of the budget (as if i think about it much)… i think the self-indulgent part probably had something to do with all the money i've been handing others lately and it reminded me of all the money i handed others over the years and I decided it was another one of those rare my time moments… maybe someday all the people who asked to borrow money from me will pay me back and i can retire for good… i could if they did, so as long as what goes around really does come around, i've got a great retirement fund somewhere out there…

yeah, humans are that honest, trustworthy, considerate, and fair… that is sarcasm, in case it wasn't clear… ultimately, humans i've met lie to themselves and therein each other so much they couldn't tell integrity from bullshit if it hit them in the face… but that's life here in this planet and even though i still have hope for humanity cuz i know the potential of an aware heart and mind, i accept people as they are and continue being myself, which means giving most of the time cuz giving and helping others feels good and every now and then, treating myself to stuff i want…

and suddenly, i found this political game (and you know how i love to take quizzes cuz they are so random and dramatically sarcastically irreverently irrelevant) cuz i am also glancing up at emails while opening CD boxes… note that i said opening CD boxes… i haven't gotten to the cases yet… i bought something like almost two hundred CDs… impulse and self-indulgence, remember?… meanwhile, the elections are madness as usual, but then, humans are doing it and, well, you know… the political game said Mike Gravel, Hillary Clinton, and Barach Obama are the ones closest to my views… who is Mike Gravel?... Alaska, oh, that explains it… hello Alaska, how are you?...

i did not eat from Tuesday night to tonight… and i bounced for hours at the Hard Rock on Wednesday night and i played softball and ran hard (two for two with one run scored, pitched five innings but we lost cuz the other team hit the ball well and our fielding was pitiful) on Thursday night, and then tonight i pushed out to the wine tasting with the hope of maybe finding some dinner companions to inspire me to eat a healthy meal but nobody wanted to go so i called Rasputin and he suggested my favorite Italian place and so i did and feel stuffed and stupid because i destroyed the three day fast effects in a half an hour of binging… though i did drink only water and did not get any chocolate or anything and there has been some seriously delicious imported chocolate truffles on my desk all week and i stopped eating those on Tuesday along with everybody else…

so is TLC (which I think is The Life Channel) really anti-semitic and is anti-semitism really such a bad thing and does your answer really depend on your religious beliefs and is TMZ the trashiest show on television or what?... do people actually watch this pandering to the lower most unaware and superficial aspects of humanity (and that is even lowering standards of intelligence and consciousness much further than my statements above about humans)… sheesh, the proof of human ignorance is everywhere, but even the aware ignore it,,, or take advantage of it, which makes those who do even lower on the conscious awareness totem pole than those who feed off stories of Brittany or other celebrities being, oh yeah, human…

there must be an easier way to open CD cases… yes, i have started… i have opened four… i would love a computer software CD player burner that actually catalogued the CDs uploaded to the hard drive like a database would so it could be sorted, filtered, and searched better… and printed, heck, why the heck doesn't someone make decent software to print file lists, especially song lists… maybe there is one out there, but i've tried a lot and haven't found one so far… so i am uploading the CDs as Apple lossless encoder cuz i am told that is the best for transferring CDs, though i wonder how wav files compare… they are certainly a lot bigger than even 320 kbps mp3s… i may need another 500GB drive soon… or eventually… i don't think i am that self-indulgent just yet…

we are up to seven CD cases opened with the sixth of them loading on to the drive now… and there really must be an easier way to get through the plastic and seals… i am suddenly missing vinyl albums much more now… but i continue to be used by the economic powers like most everyone else as i buy duplicate CDs and further spend money on Re-releases and Re-Re-Releases in SACD format that will eventually be Re-Re-Re-Released in an even better digital format… and speaking of better formats, the m4a format that Apple uses will not play in an ordinary mp3 player, so i am wondering if it will play in a normal CD player… i may have to re-burn all these CDs to the hard drive again, or use two different hard drives, when i finally get a CD burner that works, that is…

meanwhile, in many ways i was a very happy camper back in 2000 when i returned to Florida and started rebuilding my CD collection… it took a while to trust material stuff again, especially burned music, because of the Toronto experience when the person i trusted most in the world refused to return my mix tapes that chronicled the history of my psyche and experiences and thoughts and feelings and being in this life… trusting the material world was not an easy recovery, but i did start again… and now, again… cuz the new collection of CDs i started in 2000 was not returned by someone who i trusted to secure them for me… another test of my ability to actualize unconditional trust and another human proving that humans cannot be trusted with unconditional trust… and still i dream of sharing such trust (fool) and now, again, i start collecting stuff… some of the same stuff i purchased at least three times before… so i got tired of waiting for someone to share and am rebuilding my collection, albeit in tiny spurts, all by myself… ah, the lonely songs play loudly and strongly now…

ah, dontcha just love it when i let the brain meander randomly through the memory cells in between the momentary distractions of multitasks of relatively meaningless and ridiculously superficial daily life stuff when vegetation is the dominant activity?... yeah, rhetorical question… oh, the drama… ah, the sarcasm… bless the laughter… and so i started an Access database to keep track on the CDs… so i can spent hours and hours typing in the names and info from each CD in my spare time (which is sleep time) for weeks… the organizer in my head loves the idea… the peanut gallery laugh at the futility…

meanwhile, what a week… like, wow...

I'll try to catch up tomorrow… i think i decided to sleep in for as long as i can… so don't let it get you down, it's only castles, you know… I mean the downbeat memories, don't let those get you down… they are said, yes, and at times excruciatingly painful even today, years later, because the brain remains acutely aware of loss of visceral contact and the missing pieces of the puzzle that created me… and i am not afraid to feel it all, so i repress none of it… i simply slide the memories and therein the feelings in and out of prime consciousness as it suits me so i can focus on the moment, whether the moment is creating completely new experiences to fill memories cells or whether the moment is to dust off and therein physically re-live older memories… it is all part of mental house cleaning and organizing the billions of cells that try to contain this being i know as me…

if you want to linger in the sad or painful paragraphs, that is your choice… i linger for a day or few every now and then when i have the time and rhymes and writings such as those in the lands of the mostly dead come from those deep ventures into the darker memories… it's quite cathartic and i miss it at times like these when i do not have the time for a year or few… but if we look at the bigger picture, there is so much excitement and peace and acceptance and wonderfulness going on inside and around me all the time that those painful memories clean up quickly in the brief paragraphs that express them and i am wiping the tear and bouncing into the present even before the paragraph(s) are done… if you understand this, then perhaps you understand a bit more of me and what i call the methods of my madness which is a cavalier way of describing the uniqueness that is my identity and how i approach, experience, and resolve/retain myself and my experiences throughout this life…

all in all, i am still having too much fun to want it to end… thank you for sharing part of the journey with me through our writings and interactions here and at your blogs... i enjoy the moments we share and miss it when i am away for a few days... take care of you... and i hope you experience life in a way that is satisfying and full and wonderful to you :)

out doing life (and i want you to know)

not that anyone really knows who i am, what i am about, what makes me tick, what turns me on, what turns me off, where my head is at, what matters most to me, etc etc etc, but at least i am out there with people, interacting with people, hoping people might actually share, hoping someone might actually care to take the time to share the details to get to really know who i am, what i am about, what makes me tick, and so on, and vice versa... the vice versa part is essential to balance the equation and for me, satisfaction comes from a balanced equation... it's all very mathematical...

and heavy with sarcasm of the harmless nature...

just coming in from the Superbowl party at Jackson's place that capped off a busy weekend and i shall attempt to shift gears into a sleep mode as i have a very busy week ahead... if you check the schedule on the right sidebar, you'll see a bit of something about what i am doing and why i am not here much... the good news is i am busy and socializing and not sitting around watching TV griping about the mess i live in... the not so good news is that i am eating too much and not getting enough serious exercise and the little thing i sorta mentioned in the first paragraph...

and i want you to know...

since there really isn't a vast fandom like i pretend there is when i play with ego, my absence is not going to upset the equilibrium of the internet all that much... i do miss you though... yes, the few of you who let me know you are out there (as opposed to the vast "you" of imaginary throngs who silently await my every entry with baited breath... oh, how ego dreams)... i am checking in at your sites, reading your words, and leaving a comment so you know i've been there... i do that to show you that i care about you in case you have any doubts about whether i care about you...

and i want you to know...

cuz even when i am not sharing
in my heart i am still caring
and in my mind, you're always there
even when i am not here

it comforts me to believe this
that even when we're gone
in fact it's the key to my bliss
that caring carries on

i hope you can believe it too
i hope that it is true for you
it's true for me, the love we share
is always there and always here

and even when we are gone
the love carries on

hopefully i will find someone who shares this perspective and wants to share the time and everything it takes to really know (see first paragraph) and until then, i will check in here when i can to let you know what's going on as i am out doing life...

i hope you are enjoying life too and doing what you want to do... if you have time and miss sharing with me, there are videos and other blurbs popping into some of the other branches on the tree of madness that is my super secret way of expressing all the facets of me for anyone who really wants to know me, ya know, thought it may be a bit confusing as some of the babbling is just me playing with my own head and creating silliness and fantasy for my own amusement... but it is all stuff that is passing through my head at one time or another, which matters if you know what i mean...

take care of you and keep sharing as you can because keeping in touch is important and i hope to stay in touch with you... and if you happen to be in Orlando or know anybody who might be interested in knowing me who might be in Orlando, please pass along my number (it's been right over there on the right sidebar too)... cuz there's always hope, i hope, ya know? :)

and i want you to know :)

g'nite :)

cuz i love you

really, that's why... i mean, why i am here again... it is after 2am and i tomorrow is an early and full day at work and then a wine tasting and movie tomorrow night and saturday morning a 40 minute drive to a 7am 5K run and then a dinner group in the evening and then superbowl sunday and then another busier than ever (or at least in many years) week at work and play (just look at the calendar on the right that i just updated... yay for a busy life, even if i enjoy it all by myself just like most everybody else) and fun fun fun cuz that's what love is for and all...

wish you could share some of this...

of course it would all be infinitely more fun and magnificent if there was a partner in fun beside me sharing everything we both do together and aprt cuz that's what love is for all the more, but never forgetting this is the blessing that brings me back to the hopeful euphoria that keeps me enjoying the moment with blissful glee and quietly giggling and never surrendering... hope is the second most powerful force, after all, right behind love...

so no matter what, nothing else matters... whether you hit bottom or are flying high in this life, all you need is faith in yourself and the awareness that hope is the power that rises above all else when love is not shared just as you'd like... and with faith in hope, life is wonderful because you can enjoy the moment knowing you could find your dreams at any moment as you enjoy the journey...

maybe one of these days i'll pick apart the calendar and babble on about each of the activities listed there, or at least scribble a few lines about each... for now, i just wanted you to know i appreciate you and love and the kid is alright... me, good, i mean... and since your comments inspired me to come here and write tonight, i shall share the comment you inspired that brought me here (with, you guessed it, peanut gallery commentary) and then (cuz it's never enough, as Patty Smyth said), i shall slip in a couple or few typically me meetup messages i sent today... cuz meetup is the primary reaon for a much more active social life these days, after all... anyway, remember this?

we won we won WE WON! :)

yes, and I pitched and struck out at least six (shoulda counted) and only walked one in the last inning and we won, YAY us!...

it was a seriously cool feeling to remember how to pitch softball and while i've got a way to go before i get back to where i once was, if i could, i felt comfortable out there most of the time and the team rallied for the first time to score thirteen runs... we scored eight runs in the first three games and gave up fifty five... big change... tonight it was 5-5 in the third inning when we busted out for seven runs... we picked up one more in the fifth and i lost focus in the sixth and gave up three runs... there were a few dropped fly balls and a couple of wild throws that gave them runs (the statistician in me is feeling the itch to keep stats now), but all in all it was our best defensive game all around... it was the first game i actually played warmed up... the first game i was handed the ball with the other team in the batter's box and told pitch... it took me most of the inning to warm up and i walked a few and the team was very sloppy, so i only pitched the first inning... i didn't play the second or third games... so our record is 1-3 and we are genuinely surprised we won a game, but i'm hoping to get to play more and see the team come together and play better with each game... and that's the sports report, sorta...

then, you asked about the quality of the busy life and since there are thousands of millions asking the same question silently as they check in on me because i am just that irresitible, after all, I share my answer, cuz i love you, after all...

quality good, with spurts of excellent, though still hoping for the exceptionally amazing and wondrously fantastic and unbelievably orgasmic, but the spurts of excellent are wonderful and the pretty consistent good is great :)

yeah, kinda like a weather report with different words about different things in a different way, but still, kinda like a weather report of the climatology in my psyche, i suppose, maybe, buy it?...

ah, but truly life is good and much fun and there are even interesting conversations and up and coming is a busier than January February in which the mix of different activities increases in diversity and intensity as 5K runs are addd to the mix as well as several new meetup groups... the adrenaline rush of hope is keeping me awake tonight and the four year old is alive and well and having so much fun that we'd have to return to the early nineties to find a time when so much satisfaction has been acheived in this life without a romantic element fueling and exponentially increasing the magic of the mix... it's a wonderful life and the amazingly wonderfulest part is that it still cane be powerfully more wonderful... yay for life...

and then, you pondered my wellness, or something like that... and to queel the rising fears about my being and to clear up the ridiculously pandering rumours making their way through the mass media, i present a bit of response to the welness query... thanks for asking so very much for asking...

all is well, tired and brain fuzzy at times from work overload, but going out much (see the calendar on the right, i think it's pretty up to date) and enjoying the fun much more than feeling the onelies or missing stuff, which is a good place to be in my head :)

which then lead to a spontaneous exclamation of YAYNESS from said head that, naturally, lead to a bit of babble that may seem random, but was actually influenced by other stuff as reflected in entries that have popped up in many of my other blogs as the most clever of you have already noticed by your own deviously brilliant means, like climbing through the branches of the tree of madness, for instance, or even more genius-like adventures that could only be devised and enjoyed by you quintissential aboriginal blog watchers...

yeah, videos, blurbs, bleeps, and blogs bloating out and flowing out and popping out and dropping in with fine tuning to the most enlightened and fascinating and valuable information and amusements out there in the world... just for you... and then i said:

YAY BIG BIG YAYS for you being here and caring and wondering and asking and caring and being here...

alas for global warming, the sun will move into the age of aquarius in the 22nd century which will bring great waters, cuz aquarius is a water bearer, after all, though we humans might move the cosmic schedule up with all our ozone-depleting carbon-dioxide producing ways...

see the movie Zeitgeist for more (you can find it at my video blog or elsewhere in the webiverse... just cuz it's so much fun to know stuff and all)...

suddenly, i sense this will become an entry, just for you my little honeysuckle roses... just cuz i am so happy giddy awake at this late hour and feeling so much love for you for loving me for loving you for loving me for loving all and everything too...

inspirations, you are awesome again...

maybe i'll stay up all night for a change :)

yeah, no, really... check out that video... it's about two hours, so leave yourself time to see it through... you will not be hypnotized into joining a suicide cult or in any way be damaged by the video, unless, of course, you resist opening your mind and then, well, you might get a bit upset by your confusion and misunderstanding and judgmental crap, but i don't think any of you wise souls will experience such a narrow beam of ignorance and fear of the possibilities of knowledge of history and insight into the human condition, psyche, and experience... see how much faith i have in you?...

seriously, watch the video... it is a mental orgasm...

and as promised, here are a couple of the meetup messages i send today... the first is to the group that is meeting to do a 5K run very early Saturday morning about an hour away (yeah, i know i said less time before, but it could be an hour too) after meeting up the night before for a wine tasting and movie and fun... i wonder if they think i am kidding about wishing someone would care enough to want me there enough to actually call and wake me... or the sleeping in my car thing, for that matter... what would you think an unsuspecting stranger might think of me and my impromptu and rather odd remarks?...

Holy insanity, beetlejuice, did i say i was coming? and no sleep thursday and a wine and movie friday and then up early saturday? (and more) who's crazy? wanna call and wake me or should i just drive to Wekiva Friday night and sleep in my car? lolam

the (and more) refers to a dinner meetup Saturday night and then a Superbowl party at Jackson's on sunday and then a very busy wee as the calendar keeps telling me... and as if all that is not enough, i joined yet another group, a singles group for people of mid-life crisis age... the group description provided hope that some meaningful thinking ans sharing might happen... we shall see... or maybe i will not see as my introduction and reason for joining (request for approval) went something like this:

Hey, it was either this or eHarmony. The coin came up heads, so here I am. Everyone should be a happy 4 year old. Or 40. Take me seriously as you wish (it can be serious fun). But seriously, this is a great idea and I, for one, hope for fruition.

yeah, i just couldn't resist teasing the ageist set up of the group since it limited itself to a specific age group as if age is a valid definitive classification for creating meaningful social interactions or friends...

when will they ever learn, when will they ever learn...

maybe tomorrow, or whenever they meet, if they'll have me :)

and so i shall now try to get three hours sleep so i don't fall asleep at tomorrow night's movie after maybe a sip or two of wine and still have a bit of reserve energy left for the 5K run the following morning... i think i may nap this weekend between all these social engagements... and pretending it is all about me cuz i am so very popular and in demand is ego's game, but we all can enjoy it too (at least i usually do)... hopefully you have enjoyed yourself here too...

keep the faith in your hope and in yourself to be worthy of your dreams and able to believe that anything is possible so at any moment you could find your dreams come true right before your eyes... and choose what you believe wisely, for what you believe is truth to you...

and have fun, dangit, cuz that's what life is all about...

and love love love...

g'nite :)