my life has been a tapestry...

I suppose it's too late to order something, but i really must finally bring my two big boxes of decorations into work for it seems nobody else is into decorating the place for Halloween for the kids… our CNO and i were the only ones into the kids stuff and she moved on to a better job, so it seems left to me… but i haven't had time in the past two weeks, so i must make time Monday…

today was a vegetative day as i slept most of it while roommates watched TV… i woke a little while ago, actually, around 10pm, (it's new sunrise now) and instead of crawling into bed (which is broken again, by the way, and hasn't seen me in it since before i went to Oklahoma), i started wandering the net and have all sorts of comments to fill entries and stroke ego for this week, so you've been warned… and won't this be a topsy-turvy day…

not that anyone really cares (especially not in intimate {the closest most meaningful, with or without sexuality} time and space) or even believes me (heck, even my most devoted and closest almost-spouse z doubts my irreverence and perhaps my veracity… oh, the shame of it all, poor woe-is-me wah wah… what does it all mean, is there any point in going on?), but i forge (or am i plodding?... not that i'm interested in a call from the judges, so i'll just continue) on (through the wind and rain and tears and years and aspersions tossed on my eagerly awaiting grave and vast monuments and memorials in memorandums and all), carry on, babble on…

babble on… that was one of the first names i used as a title for my ramblings… the first collection, which included everything i found from my first childhood in this life (cuz you know almost all of my first childhood creations and possessions were thrown in the trash by the person who adopted me and called herself my mother, but others might not know, so i mention it to lay on the woe, or is that woah?... we'll have to listen to Say Anything again and ruminate… November 6th will be the eight time {i think, but i'm not actually counting} i see Say Anything, making it the most seen live band since the heavy concert days of the teen years… yo, can you dig it), was called Scattered Pages (yes, i decided, just now i think, that i will still use capital letters now and then, if only as a last ditch effort to legitimatize my writings {or maybe just to masturbate my ego, since it's rare anybody does} as if there's something actually worth remembering and publishing amidst the piles of multi-millions of words)… it was not a bound collection of writings, but rather it was actually a folder of scattered pages, so my creativity in nomenclature might have started out a bit slow, aye?... the second collection, which may or may not have been a bound volume cuz i don't recall at the moment, was called… ummm… i don't recall at the moment…

i think we can learn a lot from roots and beginnings and i would love you (or anyone in fact) to truly know me, so i was happy to find that the internet archives still held on to my original web offerings (though the IA {yeah, me and the internet archive are getting closer} seems to pull up pages inconsistently, that is, sometimes the links work and sometimes the links do not work even when they just worked and showed that the page is actually there) and sometimes it is with background and graphics and sometimes it is not… i wonder if it pulls up a page just one time and then it's gone forever (oh, i hope not, cuz i haven't saved every page yet)… sometimes, it seems, you have to return to the original link as the "next" links do not always work…

but back to me (being roundly egocentric and selfish and all), i mean, just in case anybody really wants to know me better through exploring my personal internet beginnings (which were extremely full of MAJOR DRAMA and weeping (even deeper than The Waterboys and more self-indulgent misery than Gavin Friday, if you must know… i mean, you must know if you care and want to be closer, but face the facts, not everybody visiting here does, ya know?), i believe the first page i put out here was A Brief Introduction to Anonanonanon and the first personal journal-type page was Keep In Touch (or my KIT pages), though the first actual page i ever put on the web may have been the original of Home, Home on the Web which is still missing, though the one linked is an updated one with similar flavor…

the Brief Intro was, i believe, my first attempt to put an intro/bio type page up on the web back in 1997 when i first stepped out for more than a fleeting glance at this web world… i spent most of my time at a Yahoo chat room called The Asylum™ (yes, with the trademark… I didn't name the room, but i was a regular fixture in it for many months or longer and was known as Anonanonanon, a 4 year old asexual toon {cartoon character} persona created in response to the constant "a/s/l?" requests that seemed to dominate the chat/IM world in the early days and maybe still does) and when people started asking for more info about me, rather than repeat myself in the chat room, i decided i'd put up a web page)… it was about the same time i started the Home on the web page cuz the Brief intro page was pre-formatted and i wanted to learn html and links stuff and so started the web weaving that some might suggest has gotten way out of control, or at least impossible to completely follow, but then, i love mazes and impossible dreams, as you may already kinda have noticed… and the KIT pages were started when i stopped having a permanent residence and wanted to keep in touch with the web folk and others (who i still hope might find me out here on the web) with whom i want to keep in touch…

yeah, so maybe i wrote all this before and redundancy is my middle name, but now it comes with links to the (almost) original pages, so this revision offers more depths and potential for intimacy, perhaps… there's always hope, ya know?... well, there's always hope that you know, for me, anyway… and i could swear that there was a "but" coming when i started out to tell you something way back when i started out with not that anyone cares but i have no idea what the butt of that but might be, so i am just gonna laugh at myself anyway (cuz i do feel certain i would have if i followed through with whatever i might have been leading up to) and hope you enjoy the confusion as much as i do… maybe i was just thinking about the origins of my web world and my writings in general or life and love and so on and so forth and Scooby dooby doodly doo dah day o day o and Precious just walked in the door (6:20am… party girl)…

she's got her RockStar drink and is getting ready for work… i remember those days when i used to stay awake all night hanging with friends and then jump in a quick shower and head to work… wait, that's what i'm doing tonight, aren't i… except without the friends… alas… i did wander myspace and was inspired to return to Dland to visit a couple of old friends on the web though, so maybe that counts… sorta… still, alas… feeling lonely sucks sometimes, ya know?...

still, it turns me on… and my reaction still amuses me… so it's not all bad… i should know that finding something like the internet archive was going to set of a chain reaction of nostalgia and misty fun… I dreamed of creating my own montage or something one of these days… yeah, still full of hope after all these years (and crazy too, but i'll write my own songs even if the whole world isn't singing them)… and with that double song reference, i shall close this entry and wake myself up to get ready for work…

may you weave something fine into your tapestry today :)

behind the web

there is a level of immediacy and intensity beyond that which teenagers experience in ordinary circumstances in our western cultures (and perhaps in all human cultures in these times) and while most everyone seems to move toward less intensity with age (calling such immediacy and intensity drama, i find my capacity for intensity of emotion (beyond what we'd commonly call teenage angst/drama and/or critical momentary imperatives) was well beyond the norms of my peers back then and it continues to grow and that, simply and without any irreverence or avoidance playfulness, is the clearest most direct and honest explanation for why i am alone today...

meanwhile, back in the irreverent playground of my mind in which i relate to you dear folk the daily life we collectively refer to as mine (though it's been a long time since i claimed any ownership, but that's another story), continuing the journey we were on yesterday (you can join in whenever you get here), I was enjoying carla bruni immensely, or rather, i was enjoying her voice and image and music immensely (but hey, a guy has hopes and dreams, ya know?... call me carla) and easily veged here in front of the tv and computer most of the day…

but let us return to the start of the day…

the dawn breaks and somewhere in the depths of sleep in what i believed to be a dream i heard my name being called ever so faintly over and over… this went on for what seemed like hours, but probably was more like ten minutes or so, as Precious was trying to wake me in her shy and distant way by sitting across the room and focusing all of her energy on me while meekly calling my name (at least she doesn't use props or cold water or anything, but she could tap me on a polite body part, after all)… apparently her laziness wanted a ride to work and claimed she woke up late and instead of hustling out to the bus, she played poor little girl who needed a ride… Rasputin really needs to hook her up with a car, now that she can drive… anyway, my plans to sleep in and catch up on desperately needed sleep (what with the jetlag dragging me around all week) week out the window and after driving her to work and stopping for some food stuffs cuz the cupboards were getting bare-ish, i continued wandering the web exploring for music…

so today and tonight, instead of motivating myself to go out and do something (anything, even if it was not the exercise i truly require to survive and remember who i am), while the TV played college football and world series and much commercial interruptions, i discovered a site that lead to a site that had files stashed away in folders and some of those files were mp3 files, so i spent much time downloading unknown music that i shall listen to one of these days… in my journey through these off the beaten path sites, between flashing images of natalie portman's ass (which is fine by me… in fact, it would be fine if it was by me often, but that's another side of life, as the moody blues would sing, sorta… have i gushed about natalie portman lately?... i wouldn't want her to think i was not still holding her dear to my heart, after all… i mean, just in case she wants to know when she stops by to read, after all) and a video of marie osmond passing out on some dancing tv show and the usual porn found when scavenging behind the scenes web sites, I discovered a most shocking thing that z0tl knew about, but kept secret all this time (you see now why i didn't marry him)…

but wait, seriously, all irreverence aside (at least for a moment)…

i am not quite certain whether i am momentarily excited or traumatized, but i just discovered the internet archive… yes, the internet archive… apparently, while we have been uploading our private thoughts and images and stuff to the web and, when we felt like it, deleting what we no longer wanted out there, somebody, some unknown entity called the internet archive has been, now take a deep breath, archiving much of what we've put up on the web and still have the deleted pages that we thought we (or someone else, like Disney, for instance) deleted…

maybe i'll gather my wits (and the links) and put together a presentation of some sort that would tie together the web journey from the beginning that i thought was lost when the servers i had my original web pages on deleted them without warning (little did i know the internet archive had them stashed all these years)… on my first search, i found 2007 pages i thought were lost… the number is quite ironic, aye?... anyway, i saved some of them, but it'll take days, maybe weeks to save them all… and do i really want to read them again?... of course… and do i really want to link them for anyone to read?... probably, but then, wisdom suggests i read and perhaps even edit them a bit… or at least fix the HTML errors and present them in a better layout reflecting what i've learned about html since the mid-nineties when i started this web journey…

I found that a whole pile of the original journal started in order to maintain some semblance of sanity during the most challenging and depressing times i've yet to know in this life still existed on the web… i must have thought i was ever so clever back then, being deluded and suffering from a peculiar version of stockholm syndrome or some such traumatic stress disorder, after all… i did not find all of the blogs from the streets, but just the smattering i did find might be enough to induce quite awesome flashbacks and earthquakes in my otherwise stable and relatively boring current affairs…

i really would like a copy of that nude video of natalie portman though, if it is her, though publicists have clouded the issue well (so why would she be quote as being sorry she did it if it was a body double, aye?) since it was removed from youtube before i heard about it and did i just digress on to this playful (obsessive, me?... naaaaa… but i can be hopelessly devoted if she'd like) tangent without warning to avoid contemplating the past life (or lives) or for some other, perhaps more clever or more healthy reason... masturbation does get the heart pumping, after all, and it is sometimes the only exercise a sedentary couch potato might get in the course of a day, so doing it well (not that i am suggesting we turn it into an Olympic event with judging and everything) and often is recommended by any doctor worth paying… well and often, that's my prescription… but to return to the question in question posed earlier in this paragraph, we'll have to consult the doctors and the peanut gallery one of these days and for now, did you know natalie was born in jeruselum?...

heavy city, no doubt…

and by heavy i do mean critical immediate intensity… but far be it for me to suggest that i am the right guy for natalie portman (have i repeated her name enough to get google's attention?)… or emma watson, for that matter (random tangents are the most fun sometimes)… i mean, less random might have been meg ryan or mila kuniz or milla jovovich or (yeah, libido is awake too), but it is not the right time for an orgy so let us get on with this entry, shall we?...

yes, well, it is (seriously) quite startling to find writings i thought were long lost…

i can imagine it feel a bit like it will feel when i finally unpack the hundreds of scribble pads i filled with words and doodles before i started using a computer or if i can access all the computer disks in storage… or more unlikely, ii somehow stumble upon writing that were stolen back when my 4th street apartment was broken into (bohemian lower east side of nyc days, if you've seen you've seen Rent then you have some idea of what i mean)… oh, the plethora of dreams and fantasies and music and memories to be rediscovered and shared someday, somehow, somewhere (yes, West Side Story too, though i was the pacifist in my crowd)…

the most beautiful sound i ever heard…

la la la… yeah, and all that jazz… so how was your day? :)

wandering myspace

hey, i've got 44 readers over at myspace… and some 3400 'friends'… people just keep popping up and adding me… every time i go back there is another dozen requests are waiting… in some strange way it is a sign of life, a sign of hope that there may still be more life to share beyond the relatively futile daily life i currently wander through… hope for improvement… hope for better days… so as superficial as the web may be and as ridiculous as myspace can be, there's stll reason to keep the connection and keep the door open and keep hope alive…

so i sat here listening to the music on this girl's blog and read a bit of her writing, commenting on the words and what i found in the content, which may have been more in my mind than in hers, but then, i can only know what is in my mind and if there's similarity in the writer's mind, well, yay or something…

and then, just when i was ready for something new, i found Soko who would certainly be fine fuel for wet dreams for me, so if you happen to see her wandering around aimlessly singing very odd songs with some lyrical emptiness, or at least awkward oddness, please send her my way… cuz she's adorable, even in vulgarity, she's sensual, even in confrontation, she's sensual, even in innocence, and she's appealing, even far away… la la la… she can write the chorus for us…

it's been so long since i've been with anyone i found adorable, i mean, without thinking about it, not pure lust necessarily, but that simple instinctive emotion i call adorable (which is my favorite of them all)… it's the most melt-me-in-your-mouth of all the emotions for me and it is the rarest of all as well in this world… i am not always even attracted to someone who inspires the feeling, though when i am, it's the scarybest… not the scariest, much much better than scary, it's the scarybest… i haven't felt the scarybest in many years either… combine adorable with scarybest and everything changes, even if we don't meet, but if we meet, woah, and if she reciprocates the feeling, nothing will ever be the same again… i might die, but it'll be the single best moment of life, ever…

so i suppose she is semi-adorable, in the end, or before the beginning to be more precise… but see what just a smidgen of semi-adorable without scarybest from far away can do?... oh there is so much you do not know about me in spite of reading seventy grimpillion words… these last ten years have been my least productive, most depressed, stupidest times of life in this life for this life i loosely consider calling mine but in the end probably don't want it anyway especially based on the last ten years and yet, it's still more fun than most of the lives i read about or any of the lives i have passed through in the last ten years… sad, huh?... so sad… sometimes it seems so sad (Beatles)… and sorry seems to be the hardest word (Elton and Bernie did too… and Harry)…

and while we're somewhere in the vicinity of the subject, i wish someone would inspire me to feel and want to share The Moody Blues again… of course i could simply enjoy the positivity of this song without any sensual undertones (or overtones, even) cuz it was unnecessary and she's not my type and the sound and words raise my spirits and feel good… don't let me be getting in a country mood now, cuz i'll be wailing country blues out all night long and all the cool rocker folk will think i've lost my mind cuz everybody knows that country is even more emo than emo…

I then enjoyed this guy… kind of a throw back to the mood of nostalgia and fun with a touch of wistful alas, mostly cuz of the minimal sharing going on, that i am in right now…

and that reminds me that, while i like XP and this laptop now and i am slowly getting used to it's limits and quirks and keyboard and such, there is a majorly missing ingredient in my browsing… Win98 and IE used to put music i listened to into the temporary internet files as an mp3 file so i could save the songs i wanted to remember (and therein listen again and decide if i want to buy the cd)… it seems that XP does not let IE or Firefox do that… major suckage that has me plotting to find an old laptop with Win98 on it to sit next to me and serve just that purpose…

of course there is probably software out there that rips streaming media like myspace player and real and other files… i downloaded one that claimed to save youtube files, but it does not work on this laptop… so maybe it's more a scam to get people to download and install spyware, but Spybot did not raise a flag and while i do not have adaware or a virus program yet, i don't notice any signs of virus and my spam is not increasing, so hopefully there is another reason the software isn't working (like there is a reason the CD/DVD burner will not burn… it'll read, play, and rip just fine, but at the end of the burn process it keeps coming up with an error… the disk is no longer usable, but it will not play… something seems to be stopping the final step in the burn process… which is the other major suckage about this laptop and ultimately, keeps it from becoming home… while every computer is obsolete almost as soon as it's plugged in and they all will be replaced sooner or later, this one will be replaced sooner, as opposed to later…

moving along now to the magic numbers and enjoying the sounds in the first few moments, i am definitely enjoying the addition of music to my browsing experience and exploring the new artists is the most fun i've had on the computer since i figured out the fundamentals of html (did i ever mention that a brother i never really knew and only met a few times but was legally related by marriage actually wrote the first commercially successful html software back in the early nineties?... he was a graduate of cooper union in nyc and berkeley in ca back in the early sixties when the beatniks were moving out and the hippies were moving in and decided that saving cali and the environment with his biochemical engineering degree was not as interesting as teaching himself computers and software design and he lives in halifax canada now and is probably very very old, but i sometimes think i should have stayed out there in san fran cali cuz i could have stayed with him for a while way back when i was taking my first baby steps into an independent life and what a difference that might have made, but i returned to nyc for love and following love has definitely not bee a good career move in this life)…

anyway, i am enjoying the magic numbers now, though for some reason the player is not playing as well for them as it did for the others or as well as it usually does… for fairness and credit, since millions of potential fans flock through here every day, waiting with baited breath for my next reference or recommendation so they can run out and buy and change their lives based on my babblings, Ben Kweller and Lindsay Haun were the two artists preceding this current one… and I forgot the name of the semi-adorable one (see, when the music is not as impressive, long distance lust passes faster than fancy) and her name is not in the address of her site…

ah, the dreams continue...

practicing patheticism

or is that patheticysm… in either case, it seems a lot like a spiritual experience in this human form as pathos and self-indulgence breed poor-me selfish perspectives like a plague in our culture (and most others, right to the martyrdom so celebrated by the big religions of this world)… wait, rather than describe it in some faux-intellectual terms, i'll just try to express it…

so i passed up stopping for food and even passed up stopping at the supermarket intending to eat cereal or something else light and i find Precious walking in the door right behind me asking for food, or hinting, really, cuz she seldom actually asks and usually goes with the reverse you don't have to aloof and independent attitude, but somehow we ended up ordering from my favorite Italian place anyway… on my credit card… and a pizza for when Rasputin wakes… hopefully Raspy will have a twenty to toss my way and i won't have gone too crazy… $50 later , I am the reluctant owner of a ton more calories than I intended…

the idjit comes out for Halloween, no doubt… boo… always a great cultural excuse to eat fat and sugar, after all… so here we are back home again, the garbage piled up, the mess and messy as ever, and me whining and indulging my stupidity like a normal human being… maybe i shoulda gotten married like z… the trick there would be finding someone who simply cares, no less falls in love… at the moment, truly caring people seem to keep their distance from me, I mean, trusting that they actually do exist and are not just a myth…

ah, but how else would i amuse myself at home… the brain hurts… not enough REM sleep this week and a high carb diet will do that to the brain… at least that's the effect in the head between and above the shoulders of this body i sometimes call mine, and loosely when i do… i've obviously got nothing much to say tonight, so i am looking around and using everything around me to avoid my responsibility for my unhealthy and only momentarily satisfying behavior…

there, you see, the patheticysm is strong in this one tonight… thursday night patheticysm, could become a communal event, maybe even a cult… maybe i'll start a meetup… we could sit around channeling the great martyrs of history, meditate on the passion of the Christ, of Joan, of Mohammed… we could nurture the cynicism and self-pity and hopelessness so prevalent in our culture and embrace the easy excuses and bask in the pleasures of justified irresponsibility… oh, how glorious, we could make it holy, spill blood or something and drink poison and die, every Thursday at Thursday night patheticysm…

can life get any more fun?...

ok, next entry :)

glub glub

so long ago
so far away
so it seems
so it goes

memories flow through the music as i play the mp3 files on this laptop more and more now, though that is one reason i sleep less now as i treasure the quiet time with words and music while the roommates sleep as there's seldom a moment that the TV is not on when they are awake… headphones might help inside the head, though it'll remind me that the ears are not working as well as they used to, especially the left one that tells me i've put on some pounds again by ringing in it's tinitis way that it does when weight and blood pressure rise… avoidance isn't easy when cursed with awareness…

and on the flip side of the wonder and positivity that music brings back to my mind, the loneliness blossoms again as sharing the music is the icing on the cream-filled cake (and I loves me some serious icing, as you well might have heard somewhere, most likely here)… feeling bloated sucks, really… it takes so much of the fun, especially physical fun (and this is a physical world) out of life for me… couch potato bloat is so not where i want to be and the good news i am waking to find it really uncomfortable again… good news because i might change things, not good new cuz i am feeling masochistic, which is even better news…

tonight:

Name Put Your Lights On Comfortably Numb I Need You To Turn To Wish You Were Here First Episode At Hienton Still...You Turn Me On From The Beginning Any Colour You Like Time Is On My Side Speak To Me/Breathe Lucky Man You Never Really Know Us And Them The Greatest Discovery Time Because Isn't Life Strange As Tears Go By Your Song Brain Damage Eclipse Learning To Fly Deja Vu Your Song Brain Damage I Need You Everybody's Lonely Any Old Kind Of Day Short Stories Song For Myself First Episode At Hienton Talking To My Angel New Horizons When You're A Free Man Question I'm Just A Singer (In A R&R Band) Ride My See-Saw The Other Side Of Life I Know You're Out There Somewhere Nights In White Satin

Artist Santana Feat. Everlast Pink Floyd Elton John Pink Floyd Elton John Emerson, Lake & Palmer Emerson, Lake & Palmer Pink Floyd The Rolling Stones Pink Floyd Emerson, Lake & Palmer Richie Sambora Pink Floyd Elton John Pink Floyd The Beatles The Moody Blues The Rolling Stones Elton John Pink Floyd Pink Floyd Pink Floyd CSNY Elton John Pink Floyd America Harry Chapin Harry Chapin Harry Chapin Harry Chapin Elton John Melissa Etheridge The Moody Blues The Moody Blues The Moody Blues The Moody Blues The Moody Blues The Moody Blues The Moody Blues The Moody Blues

and then this morning...

i must get ready for the conference, so tomorrow...

see ya...

miss ya...

miss me?

see, what happened was...

yeah, see, what happened was... ah yes, the famous first words leading to famous last words used many times by many irreverent (and serious) authors over the years and who am i not to copy the cats who made it big every now and then even if i could not name one (Douglas Adams, perhaps?) who used the phrase and literary technique and whatever else bartlett or whomever might call it (hey, i ain't never claimed to be no Shakespeare or Ropespeire with rapier with or any such reference, ya know?)... yeah, you can quote me... but only if you are laughing and know why...

and deeper into the mysty, the title tales never told just might be the most appropriate autobiography for the writer in me (shhh, don't tell anybody cuz they'll steal the title like they stole so many of ideas already from the babblings i toss out so nonchalantly into the ether of creative flow)...

i am in oklahoma and it is raining...

or, for a more interesting first line of the novel yet to be written:

it was somewhere between lathering my upper body and lathering my lower body with bar soap, as I caught the bar slipping out of my hand for the third or fourth time, that i realized how long it had been since i used bar soap and though amused at the reflection, it was at that moment, as i increased the energy flowing to my hands in order to maintain the grasp on the bar of soap, that i noticed for the first time that i still had the rubber gloves on...

so anyway, the story continued even when I wasn't writing it (and shall still further if I am still alive tomorrow... dontcha just love the snippets of tales never told?)...

tbc...

(even if nobody ever notices)

another postponed entry

well, there was not enough time to get any writing done on the trip, so the entries in my head (and there's more words than can be translated by human tongues) will have to wait until i return... the in-between times (waiting at airports and on the plane and such) were not useful because the battery in this laptop is weak and will not hold a charge for long enough to make writing unplugged worth it... alas, live and learn and laugh at the stupid human tricks I am learning (buy what you want and stop over-thinking everything and letting other factors like budget and such get in the way, right)... so I'll be back later in the week to update more entries like this one and the last one and the next one and the rest of the week ones and by the time the week is over nobody (except you) will ever know that there were not entries every day this week...

posterity is so easily fooled, aye?...

but ego loves it (posterity and so on) anyway and keeping ego happy with such little things as lining up the dates as if there was some organization to this life like a professional type writer sort of (except for the editing and keeping in tune with the grammar and rules of language and strunk and white and webster and all those rule makers of structure and order and such) is easy, so we do...

besides, i decided to play with hair color and it's soaking in right now (it's about 6am tuesday)... sure, send me on a business trip and see what mischief i solemnly swear i can get up to no good, right?... are we having fun yet?...

i loved you in so many ways
and would have loved you more
as you were so vulnerably mine
when you came to my door
eighteen and fresh from parents womb
first time out on your own
so bold and yet so innocent
i left you alone

and now i wonder what if i did what came naturally
if i did not hold back on the attraction
if i seduced you and shared satisfaction
if i did not focus on public reaction
and shared intimacy
would you still be here with me...

i gave you oh so many things
i could have given more
you arrived with so little
when you came to my door
wide eyed and so full of hope
and big dreams to be fulfill
so open to my influence
i left you to your will

and now i wonder what if i did what came naturally
if i did not do what i was supposed to do
if i share all of me with you
if i gave us the chance to know what could be true
in shared intimacy
would you still be here with me...

we were dreamers of different ages
writing the same song on separate pages
respecting the rules of society

yet is was the same dream we'd chase
we were searching for the same embrace
holding hands for all the world to see

and when we looked into each others eyes
we know the secret shared beyond the words
and that may have been enough until we meet again
in other worlds
in other words

you gave me your hand, your trust, your life
i took you for a child instead of wife
the memories remain as beautiful as any in my mind
but sometimes i wonder...
sometimes i wonder...
sometimes i wonder if we left some dreams behind

yeah what if we did what came naturally
if we set the instincts in us free
if we did not stop at holding hands
if would our memories be of wonderlands
if shared intimacy...
would you still be here with me...
would you still be here with me

happy birthday pj :)

burning questions

i think i've got a lot to learn about burning Cds and i know i've got a lot to learn about DVD burning... i've yet to do either on this new old laptop even though the drive is listed and a DVD-RW... it will play a CD and a DVD... it will rip and CD and DVD to the hard drive and the file on the drive will play... but getting the file to a disk has failed repeatedly... i've tried several different programs and none work... yet...

so there is something i do not know about burning... i can burn CDs on the old desktop using Easy CD Creator... but those CDs are not readable on this new old laptop... maybe cuz Easy CD Creator is not on this laptop?... for some reason, it will not install on this drive... it says it needs some file called halloween.jpg...

and sleep comes and takes me away from yet another entry to be completed another time...

. . .. . . . . . .. . . . . . . . .. . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . .

"there are codes in everything..."
~ Robert Morse ~

oh, if only there was time to expound (or even release, alas) all that is bouncing around the synapses between the somewhat clogged and ringing ears (deep wax build-up compounds the tinitis and further enhances the alien perspective i naturally find as i gaze out at this world through the human senses), what wonders we might find...

but leaving the good doctor and other sage prophets (and prophetic sages) and irreverent geniuses aside for the moment, the loss of what might have been could weigh heavily on the psyche when adventuring through the space alone as there is no shared memories to return to when there is no sharing but for the momentary play with strangers on the stage of life... if only for a partner, so much would be retained and further enjoyed by you, dear friends and audience participates and quiet watchers...

there are burning questions, truly, and some tingling questions too (as there is a fine line between tingling and burning in so many aspects of life from computer chips to hair coloring to sex and far and wide between and beyond, but we'll leave that for imaginary adventurers and retain what little semblance of linear thought might be left in this weekend of astounding possibilities that no one will ever fully explore...

brief history of the web (personal perspective)

and as seems to be the flow of babble these days, which may very well be more toward the interactive than it has been in years, this entry is yet another comment expanded (though the previous two still await expansion themselves) in the brain in the head on the shoulders of this body i loosely call home... you can find the original comment in the previous entry and that you, quasar9, for the inspiration...

the thought stream was about how the internet is used to communicate and in some ways provide a safer, less immediate, less demanding form of personal and impersonal interaction... for all the pros and cons real and potential, i found myself exploring my time on the net from times i was caught in the web to times i was away for a while... this comment barely scratches the surface, but it may summarize the brief history of the web as i personally experienced it as i realize this is the start of the second decade since i first made a what feels, at least in me, like a home on the web...

we join the comment as i respond:

so true, so sad in many ways, at least when this form of communication substitutes for other more personal, immediate, and intimate forms of interaction (which is has for me and probably does even more for many)...

that is one reason i avoid chat programs... i do not need to become even more conditioned to look for interaction in this sedentary position...

it does go a long way to satisfying my love for words, writing, reading, and corresponding though...

back in 1995, i spent some time in AOL chat rooms... i still have fond memories of at least one person there, but we were never more than names on a screen...

in 1997, i spend a great deal of time in a Yahoo chat room called The Asylum™ and found a few wonderful people far away (Perth, Austraalia; Seattle, Washington; Aukland, New Zealand)... those are the three i recall most warmly, even recall names and things about their family and lives...

i also did a lot of chatting on ICQ when it first came out... and Missy, one of the people in my offline life today, was met through ICQ back in 1997... i think she was 15 at the time and looking for a daddy and I still play that role in her life (much to the chagrin of my wallet)... i stayed with her and her mom a little while in 1998 and when i returned to Florida...

homelessness in that period took me away from Yahoo online space (i no longer felt like the slap-happy bopping bouncing cartoon character "anonanonanon" or even the closer to the core me "childinside" i portrayed in The Asylum™ and i returned and found myself in newsgroups... similar to comments, except threaded like bulletin boards, i indulged my loneliness and desire to help others by spending a lot of time in a newsgroup specifically focused on loneliness... became one of the regularly there... even got caught up in the drama of the moment...

less immediacy, less conversation, less chance of having to discuss my impoverished (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and every other ally) state of being...

i also started blogging in 1998, simultaneous with all the other stuff... maybe earlier, even, and that was the beginning drifting away from chat, IM, boards, and newsgroups... it was my way of trying to keep in touch with people as i spent less time online... it did not work...

i found that even those who claimed to adore me and whined when i was gone and cheered when i returned did not follow me over to my blog... apparently it was the atmosphere of the communal interaction, the "room" and not any specific individual that everybody was there for...

i never found the same interactive energy/satisfaction and adrenaline rush i found in chat or even in newsgroups, but i settled into this online lifestyle mostly because my computer could not keep up with the advancing software technology and then, it because comfortable to play at a much lower energy level with much less activity or opportunity for connection...

i became increasingly lazy...

apathetic, complacent, ambivalent, and fat in my internal thinking, external movement, and integrated emotional life...

i let my abs go so flabby i do not have sense memory of being physically myself... and this is where i stand sit today...

dumb...

numb...

lonesome...

on my bum...

yes, on my bum, but at least i am no longer a bum, i gave up the carefree homeless lifestyle for the casual night shift lifestyle back in 2001 and then gave up that comfortable low-responsibility life and now wear collared shirts and pants and shoes to work (next level is a tie and i am resisting that like a noose, literally) and sit in a director's chair in a private office... shared administrative assistant though) producing reports and proposals that develop and improve the systems and turn the engines of a small psychiatric hospital...

monday i'll be at the marriot in oklahoma on business...

life comes full circle once again as this is where i left off back in 1990 when i ran away from the administrative bureaucratic madness for life of total leisure a piece of swampland in Florida... pity i did not have internet back then (i settled for snail mail and advertised in a dozen magazines (Writer's Digest, Rolling Stone, Harper's, Atlantic Monthly, Redbook, Cosmo, and lots of others) as i publishing newsletters and a small magazine called Paper Fantasies to an interactive crowd of thousands)...

and all this to say, yeah, i agree... and I suppose there's a touch of been there, done that in this ramble, but more, it's a part of the renewed impetus to introduce myself to strangers again... so thank you for getting caught up in that and helping to inspire more memories to pop up...

you too, find wonder and fun in this weekend... weekends are made to be great :)

and now, at least for anyone stumbling upon this entry in the archives or in the brief time it will appear as the blog, you know a bit more about me and my life on the early web... we won't count the brief episodes on the BBS system back in the 1980s... and this probably could be expanded with links to milestone web pages and other links that marked transitions from one phase (the beginning) of the past ten years (or twenty, for that matter) to another and eventually, that might be the plan, but for now, in the limited time i spend here, this is the brief history of the web from my personal perspective, outline version...

this is the point when writing discuss amongst yourselves would be an appropriate closing line, but it seems kind of pretentious in a blog, at least in a blog with the small community we share... still, i dream of boingoboingo interaction, so i'll be pretentious and giggle as i close encouraging you to talk amongst yourselves...

nite nite :)

maybe I am reaching out again

then, a night or so ago I wrote this:

Thanks for the idea :)

I prefer other games to Poker and tend to avoid the money competitions as I wonder if the primary purpose of many who go there is to make money, rather than socialize. I'm not looking for competitiors, I am looking for friends. Team games and sports are much more to my likely over cut-throat me against everybody else games.

But poker for pennies (or loose change) among friends, that can be fun. I'll look at the site more closely when I have more time and appreciate any idea that might bring more social life into mine.

And to you and all reading here:

I've been trying to find time and ways to fit in some more social life into this life I loosely call mine (often I wonder , what with business and personal obligations, "who's life is it, anyway?", if you know what I mean). Signing up at meetup is one of the ways. I get email from dozens of local groups, but time to read and respond (no less attend) is scarce (partly due to habit as emailing and going out on weeknights is not part of my lifestyle and it seems to me that developing more social life requires some lifestyle, or at least schedule changes... like do I want to stay in and browse the web, write a blog, watch TV, vege with my roommates, or enjoy a nap tonight?... usually, I answer "yes" to one of those, but what's that saying about the same choices producing the same results?)...

I am not new in town, I've actually been in Orlando most of the last (counting on fingers and toes) 17 years (shuddering now). In recent years I saw friends move away while work and a sedentary, stay-home lifestyle replaced what was once a much more active and social life. I must have gotten a good night's sleep tonight as I am up early and looking at email and, wow, responding (as if I'm waiting on the world to change, aye?... ah, this sort of mocking myself is sometimes the only amusement I have left)...

I think I am about to write a lettear of introduction or something... I wonder if I actually will and what I might do with it after I do... yes, I do tend to think aloud in written words, rather often, actually... whatever I write will probably end up in my blog, as that has become a substitute for social life lately... maybe a lot longer than lately, now that I think about time...

Thanks for the inspiration to do something with my brain besides work and pondering my navel... I hope you found a smile while reading and if you are relating, feel free to respond any way you'd like. I'll do my best to reciprocate. May today be a wonderful day in your world :)

I left in the typos cuz they probably have some profound meaning (especially the second one, but we won't go there just now, right?)... and I even got a response already in my email... brief and non-commital, but still a response suggesting some reading of my website...

I'll be back in a bit...

filler, fodder, or philosophy (genius comes in all forms)

ah yeah, so sometimes i think my comments should be read by everyone because the words are just so meaningful and if humanity misses them, how will they ever learn to save themselves (to save humanity, teach humanity to save itself... not too unrelated to teaching a man to fish, ya know, but don't take that as a raving accolade for the rest of the text if you know what i mean)...

yeah, now that i turned off and sufficiently distracted a bulk of the western world (poor saps), on with the commentary about the comments that precedes the comments... sometimes you people inspire me to think I might actually know what i am talking about when i confront myself (or laugh at myself, or better yet, both) in response to your comments...

or maybe it's just a way to fill in the dates when i nod off early or go to concerts or get too busy or simply do not find the motivation to upload (or even write)... but shhhh, we can believe it's profound influence from your wise comments, right...

so for the rest of the world (and posterity), here we go:

what what what?...
don'tcha love me anymore?...
whatcha picking on me for?...
dontcha love me anymore?...

so i grin, sue me...

but seriously, hmmmm, if there's anything that dandies up z's dander, it's the smell of a pity-party and i see some dander up in my face here, which is much appreciated and amusing because consistency and honesty is appreciated and amusing to me...

you is right, mostly... you too, z (badumduh)... it's not that i never return people's phone calls, it's that I do it poorly, inconsistently, slowly, and with much forgetfulness...

it does not help that my history with phones, right up to the present day, includes associating people wanting money or something else from me with the ringing... and then there is the history (and scars and PTSD) of the pain associated with trusting the phone and voices on the other end...

i can rationalize it away, but the same rationalist accepts that reality, for me, is mostly in the visual spectrum these days (which is probably why my rhyming fantasies are few and far between), and maybe the actual reality is that it's always that way... whatever it real out there, in the brain where i live, what my eyes do not see, my brain does not respond to well...

excuses, sure, but real behaviorally effecting (or is that affecting) phenomenon that is measurable and repeatable...

i return phone calls in spurts... like i returned a dozen phone calls or more the week i was finally actually shopping for a computer...

so i'm sensitive, or over-sensitive, by most human standards... and i live in my own little bubbles most of the time, expect when I find a wave of hope refresh the child inside and i bounce out of my bubble all wide-eyed and excited about reaching out and talking and listening and playing well with others...

that happens less and less these days, but there's always hope it'll happen more...

being too self-contained is self-defeating for the part of me that wants to fall in love and share everything with someone... but all in all, i think it's better than the illusion of dependencies and insecurities most people seem to believe in...

i am exactly what i am
and not the way you'd like to see me be
i look outside long as i can
then i close my eyes and watch my world unfold before me

closer to the core where i actually live, the music remains the same... and in closing, irreverent simplicity inspires my smile...

yeah, what i am is what i am
(you what you are or what?)

and of course you know it was not enough to stop there (even though i very well could have as satisfaction was clearly peacefully mine at the time)... but then, my world is a peaceful happy place when i remember where it is and how to get there... sure, sharing it would be more ideal, but i can be quite happy with less than perfection... even though, from time to time, i through myself a pity party focusing on what i do not have more than what i do...

that's when i am happy to be inspired to ponder this:

sometimes the shell calls and we hole up in it for a while and believe it is good, whatever it might be in reality... we can tell ourselves we are caterpillars needing quiet seclusion to become butterflies... but how many times?...

perhaps it is good now and then, but too often or for too long and it becomes a bad habit of avoidance and self-indulgent denial... i've been there, it got me here, which is very close to nowhere...

now i spend my days distracting myself with life outside of my dreams and look for my way out and back to where i belong...

get back, get back...

luckily my own drama inspires my self-laughter and i mock myself out of it most of the time, especially when it sneaks up on me...

there's always a choice, and most of the time i choose to be happy... i don't know why anyone else would choose anything else most of the time...

may you create happiness and most of all, be honest...

yeah, so whatever this is, it's a smile in my head and now, an entry in the blog that never was, but maybe, now is, someday...

g'morn

I was just about to post an entry on 10/16, or more likely 10/7 after midnight, but the time-date stamp below is set for 10/16... this window sit open on the laptop awaiting words... but I fell asleep before completing the process of typing, cutting, pasting, and clicking on the PUBLISH POST button... and when i woke, I found the Office 2007 window with words closed and puzzled a moment about how that might have happened and did not have time to open and explore (especially when opening it uses one of the precious 25 times I am allowed to use it... my intention to leave it open is thwarted by frequent Windows Update requests and new software installations {as I search for the ideal software} that require re-starting the computer) what might have happened... hopefully the words were not lost and I'll get them out here someday soon...

when last we left each other's fine company, our intrepid time traveler (me, in this case) was rambling on about sleep and random thoughts, I think... that is, I think I think random thoughts and I think I was rambling on about sleep and random thoughts I think, I think...

O . . O
.
O

ummmm, yeah... so anyway... I woke this morning (it's Thursday morning, I think... thank is, oh let's not get started on thinking again) early as I fell asleep right after dinner last night... I feel much refreshed, but definitely not completely refreshed as I used to feel when I woke (if you recall . . . my spirit is reborn each time I open my eyes . . . from my answer to the age? query most everyone seems to ask before any other, even before name? which is, to me, such a sad reflection on the stereotypical prejudices and superficiality of our species, but that's a rant or ramble for another time, I think... stop)...

yes, i... i do capitalize i in reference to me... shameful and I shall attempt to stop this instant as I just thought of the reminder z left an instant before this instant as the brain does from time to time... think, that is... and remember... but that's another thought for another time (and I mean another blog entry, not necessarily another time, the blog, if you know what I mean and thank you so very much, dear s, for noticing and responding)...

it is time to shower and go to work... the many thoughts being thunk in the brain shall have to wait on the sidelines as is more often the case than not of late... I shall attempt to return this evening, but am realizing as I am semi-refreshed this morning that I do not return to me much these days and most often my rambling words are not coming from the core of me, but rather playing for attention out of loneliness and an aching-to-the-point-of-numb desire to share more... I am neglecting myself and therein, not sharing myself...

I will attempt to find time to ponder this in more depths as soon as possible, and find remedy for the self-destructive situation I am becoming slightly more aware of in serious consciousness at this moment... the distractions of space and time and work and life are definitely winning the battle for my attention these days (and why must it be a battle?... shhhh, no time for such thoughts, time to stop thinking)...

I wonder if being more amused than frustrated is a good thing...

time to stop wondering too...

till tomorrow...

g'morn :)

sleeping in my dreams

well, just so you don't think I'm pregnant (oh, low blow, pretending to be a chauvopig), here is a serious thought… now that we got that out of the way (or is it we've gotten that out of the way? to be sure), there is the coolest toy for a hyperactive kid (of course I want one)… it's a Playskool stationary bike that is also a computer hooked up to a TV… you pop software cartridges in it and peddle and play learning games… I so much have one if I ever find myself taking care of another little kid…

since I got one hour of light sleep yesterday and have to be at work at 7:30am tomorrow to do a training for nurses, I should be asleep by now… I almost was, then I woke and ate and then watched some Enterprise and then Heroes and something called Journeyman is on now and here we are… I travelled some web ways earlier while watching the shows, visited meet-up, joined more groups, and even sent an email to a few people… maybe I'll even find motivation… can anyone be that stubborn?...

oh, did I mention I have tickets to a concert for tomorrow night and I am pushing my brain power all day at work to get a report done that really ought to be completely reformatted and rewritten, but I don't want to take the time cuz it was due last week?... was that really a question?... was that?...… is this?... yeah, and the TV warns us about priapism… whata world…

speaking of cheerleaders and spilling seeds, I'm a firm believer in the adage about usage, that is, if you don't use it, you lose it… and of course we're talking about rights, right?... even if the phrase is a might flexible… no, but speaking of cheerleaders, did you ever notice that the star of Heroes looks a lot like the star of Legally Blonde, The Musical… we watched it on MTV last night… did I mention it?...

am I still awake?...

I appreciate you being here with me when I get back here and find your words is feels like you are here with me even if you don't say much… speaking of Linux, does it have a cool word processing program and office suite with spreadsheet and database and an email program that sorts well and blocks SPAM and cool audio and video software and editing and recording software and fun games like NCAA 2008 from EA Sports or others and security and fun and does it bake and print dollars?... ok, so it doesn't have to bake, I can buy cookies…

mmmmm, chocolate chip…

but where do I get software?... free software?... I think it's time to stop typing and fall over… I hope you are enjoying a wonderful night…

lost weekend (habitual)

so, it's Sunday and the previous three entries were completely ignored for the past three days that they waited for somebody to notice them… well, ok, so I just uploaded them, but posterity and history and future tribes don't have to know that… I intend to be a profoundly misunderstood and ignored poet genius way ahead of my time to future generations… kind of like Rumi, or Nostradamus, or Da Vinci, or Jesus, or Van Gogh, or Merlin, or somebody who knew all the answers but nobody listened to while I was alive… so pay no attention to the false confessions and slight-of-hand thoughts that are designed to confuse and maintain my stature (or is that status?) as the most unknown genius god guy of all time…

beware of the three Gs…

or something like that… it's been so long since anybody actually truly deeply (madly, even) understood me that I wonder why I go on continuing to write and dig deeper… who is ever going to catch up?... oh, here comes that Gavin Friday feeling again… and I barely slept this weekend and I've got to be up in less than two hours and fool I continue to be, I've been trying to fix the laptop… now the Media Player will not work because I downloaded an upgrade… automatic updates seem to be a trap… Microsoft sucks worse every day…

but all this distracting they are doing is just cuz they are jealous, of course… they are trying to discourage me from blogging or even using a computer at all… fools, we're all fools… they got one entry before I realized the software was no longer auto-saving... but no more... I'm ready to do away with all Microsoft products for a while... anybody wanna buy a cheap old laptop?... I know you don't I'm just mocking myself...

I did a whole lot of browsing in Firefox today that I'll tell you about another time... for now, I shall sleep an hour and distract myself with work and return in the evening to see what else has been disabled by Microsoft…

nite morning

continued computer complaints and other stuff

continuing the Saga of Bungalow Bill, or whomever, did you ever notice that the song Are You Ready that opens Creed's Human Clay CD, starts off with the same guitar riffs as Sandman by America?... just a thought that was on my mind… and really, would you rather have Puddles of Mudd or Jars of Clay?... of course you could have your Cake and eat it too, but I should not forget how much I enjoy Coldplay in the morning…

but who has time to listen that intently anymore?...

meanwhile, FUCK WINDOWS and the horse it road in on… there, have I gone over to the Mac/Mozilla side enough yet?... it sure feels like it… there's some frustration from the fact that I have fallen so far out of the hacking loop (trusting there still is one) that I cannot pirate the XP or Office or other software I'd like and I am not longer rich enough to buy whatever I want… I used to buy everything, software and CDs, just on ethical grounds, cuz I could afford to…

but much more of the frustration and the expression of FUCK (which is a technical term used in the computer business) comes from the incompatibility crap I am starting to deal with again now that I am trying to use Firefox and other software that depend on browsers… the computer keeps wanting to revert back to IE when I click on links… Microsoft seems to build in road blocks and crashes to punish anyone who has the audacity to not support their illegal monopoly, but the proof is called bugs, accidents, unintentional mistakes when it is pointed out (and ignored most of the time, except when brought in multimillion dollar lawsuits)…

so I am now experiencing frequent pop-ups of updates from the windows software and when I click on the link to open the page to download the update, I find it will not update in Firefox… and several times a week I am asked to restart the computer due to an update (and now, what with all the new programs I am exploring, even more often) because this copy of XP is apparently not legal and so it doesn't allow me on the easy update site where everything is scanned and updates are loaded all at once… and that (the restarts) uses up my precious Office 2007 sessions and since discovering that the Office 2007 (or Office 2007) software will not copy by means at my disposal (one reason I am downloading and testing CD/DVD editing and copying software)…

unfortunately, I am learning the hard way that buying a used computer is a big mistake if it's a Microsoft computer… the kid I bought this from apparently upgraded a lot illegally and as I try to find software to do things I want to do with this computer, new software checks the XP validation online and will not work because this laptop comes up as invalid… I am close to just chucking it and returning to the peaceful WIN98 that did not interrupt me with incompatibility issues and frequent persistent pop-up boxes that would shut down the computer and lose my writing not saved if I happen to by typing the letter N at the moment it pops up, not to mention almost as frequent and persistent warnings of impending doom (or that I am at risk) cuz I don't have antivirus software and ultimately telling me what I can do and cannot do with my own stuff that I bought and supposedly own, in spite of the lack of modern audio and video…

Microsoft is very much like the government…

so I clicked on the "Updates Available" pop-ups and installed the Microsoft software it suggested I update because, after all, if I don't trust Microsoft to update their own software, I can't trust their OS at all (not that I invest much trust in it, but then, it's the most viral and feature-filled OS around as far as I know and this is not a MacBook, after all)… and unlike every other time I updated, suddenly there is this online verification of authenticity to go through that tells me my software is invalid… am I repeating myself?... probably… the constant pop-ups are starting to influence my babbling… what, you didn't notice it in the last three entries?...

meanwhile, these same haunting pop-ups are telling me Media Player will no longer work if I don't pay $149 for validation and so on with other stuff and I say fine, I won't use Media Player or IE or any Microsoft product I can avoid using and then the computer (OS) changes the registry or my preferences or something when I am not looking and associates files with Microsoft products even when I chose other products as my default programs to do certain things… like I have iTunes player and VLC player and others to choose from when I want to record, copy, burn, or play audio or video and all my audio files are associated with VLC and also compatible with iTunes and still, Microsoft Media Player insists on opening from time to time to play something if the other program is not open and then those update pop-ups and warning pop-ups and other annoying Microsoft pop-ups interrupt my typing and enjoyment of the laptop…

so since moving to the "No Pop-Ups" features on Windows XP, I've been consistently annoyed by more pop-ups in the last ten days than I was for years on Win98 without the pop-up blocker that XP has built in… is seems that Microsoft will simply not allow a computer user who has a Microsoft product or OS on their computer to computer freely and surely not browse freely… I suspect they are illegally invading privacy and definitely are intruding into privacy by not providing a way to turn off their annoying pop-ups, which amount to SPAM in the end…

it's like big brother Microsoft is exempt from all the rules… like the pedophile who wants the child to sit on his lap so he can protect the child from others who might want to abuse them… here, sit right here and let me fuck you up the ass and I'll make sure no one else can… there, don't you feel secure and protected and safe now?...

it's an occupational hazard, I suppose… I mean comparing any invasions of privacy and abuses to sexual abuse… you oughta see the images my mind conjures up about how the oil industry (not to mention the auto industry or telecommunications industry or… etc) has us over a barrel, literally, and is shoving a gas pump nozzle up our asses and we pay premium prices for the privilege… in fact, during perceived shortages, people will even fight or kill each other to be first in line for the gas nozzle… just put it right in there and ejaculate all you want, Mr. Big Oil…

sure there's humor in it… if there wasn't, I'd have opted out of this mortal coil mailing list a long time ago… in fact, there was a cartoon in a Playboy magazine back in the seventies that had a similar oil-pump-nozzle-as-penis thought in mind… but it's only funny from the outside… there's nothing funny about abuse of any sort, even if it is tempting to laugh at the stupidity of the victim who begs or even fights for more and organizes their whole life (and pays a premium price) for more abuse…

I expect big brother to swoop in at any moment and delete this blog, destroy my computer, and banish me from the internet (perhaps even break my fingers somehow… maybe there's a signal they can send to force a laptop screen to slam down on the hands typing… and then they'll out a chip in my head that takes over my brain and makes be a pitiful victim {and example to others} who gets nauseous wherever near mass technology so I decide to give up everything electronic and live in a box on the street because I'm afraid to trust anyone or anything cuz everyone and everything make me nauseous)…

I think it's time to start a new entry, aye? :}

the clutter of decay and other secrets

I am still hungry… yes, this is a continuation of the previous entry… heck, the days run together as a blur most of the time these days, so why not the entries… though the days generally follow a linear timeline in a forward, or future direction and the blog kind of only does that if you are standing on your head and reading upside-down… I suppose I'll have to get up from the big green chair and cook something… or at least find my phone and order something…

I broke a tooth or more likely a tooth-cap (the dentist called it an "overlay" as opposed to a "cap" or "crown" and I think it's just a new name for a "partial crown" cuz that's what it is, a top of a tooth glued on)… anyway, the inside of the tooth is jagged now and while there's no pain or discomfort and I can chew and eat without noticing, the tongue naturally finds the rough edges regularly and it's a food catcher, which makers is a cavity maker and a source of halitosis… so eventually, I shall venture to the dentist and have it fixed and hope the insurance covers it…

speaking of insurance (Blue Cross SUX!), I got a bill from the Urologist and the Nephrologist last week because Blue Cross denied payment for the routine tests that were ordered because of elevated lab results over several months and found a couple of large cysts in the kidney… so is Blue Cross saying I should DIE? or not be covered for tests that prove I have might need to watch my diet and follow up with medical care?... I am sure glad we did not go ahead with the biopsy cuz they probably would have denied that too… I have not called to question the denial yet, but I will when I have time…

moments like those (when I opened the envelope telling me Blue Cross will not pay for my medical care) leave me feeling very alone and sad and turned off by humanity because it is the general acceptance of greed in this capitalistic culture in the west that allows insurance companies and medical care to become hugely profitable businesses and not the collective human services they are supposed to be, while most people (including the average employee of insurance companies and medical services) to be paid minimally compared to the profits in the businesses and then milked (and cheated) for services just like everybody else… and as much as people like the think that other countries are better, I say not much because it's human nature to be greedy and selfish and ever so hypocritical…

I so wish this perspective did not seem too accurate and real to me… I want to believe humanity is not as self-destructive and suicidal and all the rest (selfish, greedy, hypocritical, even homicidal) as it appears, but as idealistic as I am (and I am), I am also a realist and my eyes see what they see, but more important to me, my instincts are still true and see through even the education that reinforces the observations… the innocence and harmlessness and desire for love and peace and sensitivity and comfort in the human heart is buried so deep in ritual, unhealthy habit, self-defeatism, and fear, that it is a all but moot point in the reality of humanity today… and as long as money is more important than caring, as long as possessing and controlling is more important than sharing, as long as escapism is more important than awareness, as long as the façade of strength is more important than sensitivity, hope is a word for fairy tales and fantasy…

and then there's post secret…

sure, someone like Frank comes along with a simple idea that succeeds in creating something multi-emotional, simultaneously beautiful and sad, something simultaneously joyous and scary, and so much more… but does humanity celebrate it or even notice?... does anyone really feel the profound implications, the layers of meaning, the ironic representation of humanity that could be found in such a project?... and does one person have the right to believe they have the insight to mold the raw materials of such a project into a permanent record of our culture?... let's be frank about this, does Frank?...

it is not too different from any understanding… one person's humor is another person's trauma, intentionally or not… on one level there's the perspective of finding humor in most everything (if not everything), as I do… on another level there is the sadistic pleasure some find in another's pain (something I only try to understand through observation and study, but it only makes sense if you warp logic)… and returning to post secret as an example, how can we know many of those post card secrets are real and how many are someone's idea of a joke or attempt at shock value, if only to get some attention or vicarious thrill…

that can add to the depth of the experience and the art of the project, but I imagine many would see little humor or art there as many see little humor or heart in anything… how many find humor in the holy books, after all… and are human confessions not almost as serious, in fact, post secret just another form of from a confessional at a church… an anonymous telling of a secret, whether sin or art, is as holy or as meaningless as you make it…

now you've got something to think about, perhaps, if you found your way back here to this mid-point of a three part entry… or more… again, the irony of my amusement with confusion is fed by my laziness in completing these entries on the day they were written (or should have been written if I am to maintain a daily blog and we are pretending to be doing that here, right?)…

babblers just wanna have fun, after all…

sometimes :)

a fool's garden of futility

ok, so I drifted in and out of consciousness this week after a weekend of poor-me laziness amidst a phase of taste-bud-indulgent laziness compounded by a general malaise of lonely laziness (there's a theme in this, I am sure of it) and even missed an entry (that I just uploaded as if it was always there and it's genius was simply ignored, which fits right into the poor me mood I was in at the time, after all, as I mocked myself mercilessly and even quote Rumi) and whatdya know, we missed the celebration of the 500th entry here in the RealTime™ blog… and just think, I'm only about 200 entries behind back at btc… thank goodness z0tl found the wayback machine, for it is the hope for posterity (and insatiable egos)…

meanwhile, I am currently learning how to copy a DVD (or trying to)… I put the DVD in the DVD/RW drive and opened DVDFab Decrypter (cuz the DYD says it is protected) and I pressed Start… I asked it to copy the "Full Disk"… it created folders, says there is 7+ GB in the folders, but I don't see any files to play… so what went wrong?... maybe I should try just the "Main Movie" or "Clone"… there is 18 GB left on the hard drive, so I can only try one of these methods at a time and each take 20 minutes, so it'll be a while before I find out if I will have any success copying movies…

yes, I must get a big external drive…

and learn how to use these programs… I do not know if I have any DVD-R disks… I used to, but Precious routinely raids my blank disk stash and it is about half of what I remember buying at the moment and I do not think any DVD-R disks are left… I have no idea what she uses all the blank disks for, since I asked her to make me copies of various things many times and it's like pulling teeth to get her to care enough to do that favor… it's one of those few grating points (concert tickets and cleaning up after herself are the two others that frequently come to mind) that irritates as it suggests (actually, it proves but love is blind, aye?) she's only taking and not giving as many children do… the appreciation level is minimal to nil, which is sad as she has so much done for her by those around here, including me…

ok, suddenly there are files in the folder and I can play the movie on the computer… the question now is can I copy the movie from my computer to a DVD-R disk… I will find out when I get some DVD-R disks… one thing I did learn is that DVDFab is not the full version and will not write the disk unless I upgrade and pay for the Platinum Edition… Windows seems to have a default CD and DVD writer that might write files… I discovered that I also have ISOBuster, which appears to be another Decryption software… and with my hands-on exploration of what I really want to do with my computer (listen to, watch, copy, edit, mix, etc) music and movies, the need for a top line computer with several terabytes of storage is becoming more obvious again… but being (or at least playing the pauper), I shall try to make do with what I've got and add a few hundred GB MyBook or few to the mix…

so I have two movies copied to the hard drive (and less than 3GB left free, oy… I wonder when Windows is going to start it's meltdown cuz of not enough hard drive space)… all the other movies sitting around (and on the web) will just have to wait for the writable DVD disks and me to learn how to write/copy them from the hard drive to the disks… or until I get a MyBook external hard drive and use that as storage for the media until I make disk copies… and music, I wanna play with music… organizing space, time, $$$, and equipment is definitely becoming a higher priority for me now…

the laptop does run extremely hot… too hot to sit on a lap comfortably, even on a pillow, without a fan pointed directly under the laptop or pillow… luckily, I come equip with a crotch fan for just such occasions… and it's heavy, but there's little I can do about that for the moment… I shall scout around for the perfect (or reasonably useful) laptop desk, which might turn out to be a piece of wood cut to the right dimensions, and see if that can be made comfortable in the big green chair… but besides comfort, I think this laptop might run too hot to leave on all the time, which creates more wear on the CPU and eliminates the Office 2007 software (no, no no, no no no!), so I am keeping the crotch fan on while I am away and it is pointed directly under the laptop which sits on an upside-down mini-table that serves as a lift to allow air to circulate under the laptop…

this poses two new questions for the experts… do new laptops run this hot and is it better to leave a laptop on all the time or better to turn it off and on several times a day?... the corporate IT people tell us the CPU will last longer if it is not turned on and off, but rather just left on… this, I guess, is in a system that does not overheat… but life on a 17" laptop from 2004 or so might require some special care, like the constant running of the laptop/crotch fan… its internal fans (yes, it has at least two, one on the video card) run on and off, but the machines still get way too hot for comfort… a video CPU with dedicated memory and a 7200 hard drive doesn't help, I suppose… not to mention the CD/DVD-RW drive… and I wonder how dirty (dusty) the insides of this machine are…

on a disappointing note, I discovered that the Office 2007 disk I thought I copied will not show any files on this laptop… I am not sure if that is because there is a copy of Office 2007 installed on this laptop or if it's cuz it didn't actually get copied… the disk says 0 free space, and 0 used space, so there's obviously something on the disk that cannot be accessed… the disk running light stays on all the while the disk is in there… so I must learn more tricks, dangit… so spend $$$ on software…

I haven't hooked up the Mac yet and the old desktop is frozen and since I unplugged the mouse to use it with this laptop, it's stuck where it remains… the space is definitely not set up to use more than one computer at a sitting as there is no computer desk, just a stand that holds the old desktop with the monitor atop… the Mac awaits my attention on the floor in the corner (I know, Mac people, for shame) and the laptop sits on my lap in the big green chair (and on a portable folding table next to the big green chair when I am not using it or when I want a break from the weight/heat and use it as a desktop from the portable table…

but still, I am copying new copy-protected DVDs to the hard drive and able to play them on the computer, so there's a start in the right direction… and there's Precious now and after three requests for her to bring out the blank DVDs from her room, she asked if I want them now… yes… so she went to get them… I do not know if it is it laziness (my first assessment), disrespect, or just her careless personality, but that is life with Precious… so I finally got some DVD-R disks and now I find out I do not have a program that burns DVDs… I thought XP had one, but apparently not… so I need to find one… download from Tucows or something?... any ideas on a good one?...

well, if you do and you tell me, I will consider uninstalling the Demo of AVS Video Editor I am currently downloading and hope to install and use in the next few minutes… and that is the computer report for the week (so far)… I am hungry… Rasputin sleeps on the couch and ate out before coming home, which is strange as we usually wait for each other on Saturday… Precious and her best friend have been hanging on the couch since they got here a few hours ago… they apparently had McD's as they walked in with McD's garbage which will likely sit on the kitchen counters along with the other garbage from the past few days until I decide to throw it all out… he did her hair and now he's getting ready to take her to work… the TV is on, naturally, as I live with TV addicts and the TV usually goes on the moment they walk in the door and they rarely turn it off… they don't pay electric and don't pay attention…

I am still hungry… see ya next entry :)

all we are saying...

ok, being a follower of reluctant proportions, it took me days, at least, to stumble in line behind the z and that's after years of procrastinating about which or what computer to buy knowing all along tht anything would do what I wanted it to do as long as I didn't ask too much and I didn't download incompatible junk...

so I am a Firefox user.... I'd much rather be a Firefly user, because the girls are so cute and Mal has a real hero ethic perspective going... but more than sex, this week was about love... love, love love, to quote the Beatles scholars, John and friends who got by with a little help from all of us in spite of the stones cast by the folk living in the glass houses on the hill...

and once upon a time I ran more regularly and slept more regularly and mode love more regularly and it was not that I was any sort of regular guy, but I was more balanced... and it is, as the prophets of the Moody Blues once said, a question of balance... and a matter of trust, to quote the sage with the two first names, Billy Joel (not completely unrelated to Bill Jack, I suppose)...

and so I drift teary eyed from lack of sleep into the mystic, to follow the Van (not too far removed from the Jim, I suppose) from one warped tour to another... the white van that meg and Dia drive around, no doubt, would be just fine... but the energy wanes even as this entry begs to take off to the wild blue yonder where rainbows begin and end (at least as far as we can see, but then, we should know there is so much more and so many colors to a rainbow, as the holy man Harry preached in the time of Caanan and Carter, just before the dawn of the even of Reagan....

and the jesters sang senseless oratory as the band tuned up for the final song, a grand crescendo of peace and hysterics, rocking from the cradle to the grave and the stage in between... not to forget the minstrel Don of the McLain mclan who reminded us all that this world was never meant for one as sensitive as birthed to be free and not buy into the age old fears or rules that empower them...

and unwed mothers cry in shame
while old men priests play the blame game
condemn you but don't ask your name
false virtue is their claim to fame
behind the robes they wear their masks
to cover their unholy tasks
in the name of god who fronts for greed
and teaches liars how to need
while truth and children left to bleed
are too put down to take the lead
with pessimism running high
idealists try to touch the sky
and pragmatists just make ends meet
while realists live on the street
in the great letting go
it's all part of the show
even if we're the last ones to know
and so all is much better well (to come out of the dance with odd muses and return to the present in RealTime™ experience where painted ponies go round and round and wild horses come to carry me away)... you don't have to have imagination, most people get by without one... but just in case you are of the few who do, bless the beasts and children with me one more time while I relate the late night thoughts flashing randomly through the synapses in which I realize consciousness in this life...

as I am slipping into the seductive sounds of Jarah Jane Personal CD that reminds me of so much I could be overwhelmed if that was possible, but as it seems not, I am fulfilled from afar with the mysty memories and fanciful fantasies and hopes for humanity, or at least the one cuz sensuality is not dead yet and neither am I...

take me back to Jen Chapin, why dontcha...

but I never wanted fame (and not so much fortune as I gave it all away)... all I ever wanted was one devoted soul, one number one fan, one insatiable lover, one uncompromising promise, one mother sister savior daughter, one honest love, one partner in crime to share everything... to be the cheerleader and the cheer... to share the pedestal of mutual worship and idolization and passion for being together, always... to actualize the peace of unconditional trust... someone to, as John Denver and now Jarah Jane say, take me home... yes, and to know all we are saying, is give peace a chance...

together as one...

nite nite my friends... maybe you dreams come true and even if they don't may you still dream them and believe they can...

stranger and stranger

ok, so I uninstalled IE7 and all the plugins I installed along with it and all is well, much better, except for one thing... the top bar on blogger does not work... IE6 recognizes the links up there to sign in and such, but the "open" comment does not work when clicking on those links... I can click on comments and that opens and I can log in through comments, but not by clicking the "sign-in" link at the top bar of the blog... I can right click and open the sign in page in a new window though...

on the positive side, it seems much faster and the script errors and run time errors may be gone... and the wonkiness in the rendering of the html of the of the blog title is gone too... I shall explore myspace in a bit to see if the errors occur over there and whether the slowness and multiple click necessity is still happening, but the initial signs are quite hopeful and I am almost ready to blame microsoft for everything once again...

IE7 did it all, screwed up everything, Bill Gates is the luckiest person on Earth because if he had the slightest bit of real competition, he'd have been out of business before her ever was even heard of... selling a product that crashes and simply does not work should be illegal, but capitalism makes criminals of us all...

oh yeah, he gives it away for free... that makes it all right then... right... anyway, before I get too far into the happy dance, I shall wander around my usual rounds and see what happens... and thank you thank you thank you for your kind thoughts and suggestions...

well, so far it's YA YA YA YAY YAY YAY YAY and more YAYs...

yes, speed is good, just like at work... windows open in a blink, everything works great, no error messages, hip hip hooray for starting over... now if only the dign in link would work, but then, I can live with one anomalous glitch...

I think i shall sleep now, cuz it's time :)

nite nite

and Happy Birthday John :)

we missed nothing

I refer to this entry, which was not uploade, I believe, unless I am wrong, which is altogether possible, but here it is anyway, way back (maybe it'll need z0tl's wayback machine to be noticed), but then, probab;ly where it belongs as the pathetic lament is past as it always is once I stop playing helpless and fix whatever is wrong...

anyway, this was the last helpless lament over the laptop before I decided to fix it... included are comments professing my vast genius and insight, self-depreciating humor aside, and wisdom... brought to you be truth in advertising as the attempt to be human continues and the fool exposes the guru for the fool that he truly is...

ready, set, go...

something tells me, instinct or whatever, that I should read this and take it seriously and find the time and energy and focus and motivation (not necessarily in that order) to do it in the physical reality, that is, actualize it and stop simply nodding my head in apparently respectful acknowledgement, if not obvious agreement… and once again I nod off in the big green chair on a Monday night instead of doing any of the above or even staying awake to enjoy the Monday night TV shows that sometimes hold my attention (mostly Heroes, Enterprise and sometimes others… obviously nothing is actually holding my attention for long these days… and maybe it is my energy that is negatively effecting this laptop and not the other way around…

but it's so fucking slow…

that's French for putand, retard! or something like that... also, Microsoft sucks!... but seriously, I expected a P4 1GB machine to run circles around the PII 64MB machine, but the desktop browsed the web and opened programs just as fast as this laptop… still, I am sitting in the big green chair again and I am too dang comfortable to get up and set up the Mac desktop to see if that'll give me more instant gratification… obviously this laptop is frustrating me cuz, after all, I got all sorts of descriptive in describing it just now, aye?...

what's all this about imaginal cells in the human heart?...

I am growing (or not growing) tired of this phase of laziness and lack of motivation and even more tired of blaming Rasputin and Precious for their habits and influence because I am not them and they're not the boss of me and I am in my own control and I make my own choices and I know this all too well so the bullshit I try to sell myself so half-heartedly is souring and not as humorous as it sometimes can be…

maybe I should just turn off the TV…

I thought getting a 1GB laptop would help in that sense as it would give me some increased mobility and more importantly, more interactive capabilities and more music, but this laptop has just added to the traffic jam in my creative flow as it offers obstacles and challenges, not motivation, creative inspiration, or facilitation… maybe I just need to adjust… maybe I just need to cut my losses and toss it in the dumpster and start over next year…

maybe I just need an attitude check (duh, huh?)…

not enough exercise, not enough sleep, not enough motivation, not enough time off work, not enough whatever… the iTunes player sucks, by the way… I mean it's inconvenient and lacks essential features… how does something become so popular when there are so many better music players out there is just one more mystery the human race provides as it continues to demonstrate a lack of common sense and general stupidity… maybe I should remember my comments and practice what I preach, aye?... ahem:

I wonder how much projecting and judging of others you were doing outside of your head, behind your walls, rather than being where you were and letting the energy in... energy pounding on walls meant to keep it out usually sounds unpleasant, even din-like...

on the other hand, I rarely go to the drunk gatherings anymore because the alcohol and drugs are usually just substitute walls... I'd rather be with people who do not put up walls of any sort to anything, but rather open themselves to enjoy everything...

here is my judgmental perspective:

I think those who seek silence and stillness outside of themselves often have turmoil inside and wish to emulate the silent stillness somehow, as if it was contagious or something... they do not want to belong as much as they want to be right...

in a similar sense, those who seek the din of drink and drugs and party-life have boredom inside (or a different sort of turmoil) and seek to lose themselves in the communal energy... they do not want to be right as much as they want to belong...

those with peace and contentment inside accept the energy around them as it is and take from it the positive influence or stimulus it can be... they do not want to belong or be right as much as they simply want to be...

I'll let you know when I find some place like that among humans…

it really is so much easier to give advice than to take it, or do it for that matter, isn’t it?...

loneliness leads to as many mistakes and poor perspectives and misunderstandings as any trauma, cruelty, or hurt...

it is not always easy to know when we are reaching out from and for love and when we are reaching out to fill a void, out of loneliness more than love...

may you reach deep inside and find the difference and know your motivation, for then, you can be master of your expectations and cooperate with your desires, instead of letting them control you...

yeah, so anyway, I know better and can do better and just produce entries like this as a public service to humanity in my ever futile attempt to become more human (you did read the sidebar, didn't you?)… we can't have you thinking I've got it all together and can't relate to the common human foibles, after all, I mean, we would not want to alienate the ever growing audience of silent film stars out there, right?...

and as we all let out a collective OY!, which reminds me simultaneously of The pig-dog creature from The Dark Tower series and the exclamation the Japanese character on Heroes blurts out rather often, though in this particular case a sigh, rather than a squeal f excitement, might be more appropriate… not that being appropriate has ever been one of my many lofty goals in this life, even during these mundane times of trying to be more like a human, but fun comes in all shapes and sizes and at the moment, I'm welcoming all I can get cuz the blues are knocking on the door like a thick fog in the night that wraps itself around buildings and swallows all light, as if it had consciousness and sought domination of space and time (what?... Stephen King, the phone is for you)…

all I ever wanted was for someone to care… ever since I can remember, I've looked out through the eyes in this head and hoped to see someone looking back at me with true understanding, or at least a sincere desire to and the real potential to understand… but you can't always get all you've ever wanted, after all, even if your poppa wasn't a rolling stone, I suppose… giggle, wiggle, and sigh...

"They ask me why I don't behave myself. I say "when you expose your true nature, then I will act my age." ~ Rumi

the pondering returns (sorta)

perhaps, or is that wishful thinking in the title… and is that what is needed, I wonder… does my pondering truly lead to positive changes as I think I believe or is it just a deeper way of procrastinating and avoiding necessary changes, which, in the end, is more a negative outcome, or at least a null equation… maybe life is meant to result in zero… ultimate balance as opposed to the human illusion of progress (which is so often more destructive than productive, after all)… like we can ask will hydrogen cars really be progress or just another way to kill ourselves…

as usual, Raspy's asleep in front of the TV with the remote in his crotch and some infomercial is blaring away… he coughs and I ask him if he's awake and wants to see what else is on, he pushes the button to change to another infomercial and passes out again, remote still nestled up against his penis… maybe I should just buy another remote and keep it by the big green chair… or better yet, headphones for the music on the laptop (though the headphone jack could use some soldering as it's loose, though it works as long as it doesn't move around)…

the laptop is having all sorts of problems over at myspace, mostly, but not just there… however there it was enough so that I wrote the myspace support a couple of emails and gave up on the site without even checking my comments or messages… script errors and login errors and RunTime errors and wasting way too much time… I hope it's not the new laptop… something is going on with the laptop though cuz the volume control no longer works and the control panel will no longer open… I hope it's not a virus or something serious… I'm gonna have to shut down and reboot, I think, but that almost never happens at work with XP, so I'm wondering what the difference is… does browsing the web in Windows use up too much memory even with 1GB of memory and require a reboot?... if that's so, Microsoft sucks, again… or maybe Yahoo Messenger sucked up memory being open all night?... I closed that too… if that's so, Yahoo sucks too…

why can't computers just WORK?...

MIQ . . . MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION... MIQ

…this is a test of the most important question system… if this was a real most important questions, you would be asked to turn to another page and read the most important question in a less distracting environment… if this was a more high tech blog, this would scroll across the screen, and probably not be so babbly, but you know where you are and who I am, so let's get on with the test, aye?...

MIQ

maybe there are too many processes running in the background… anybody know the best way to check up on such stuff and get a computer running as efficiently (and safely) as possible?)…

…this has been a test of the most important question system… maybe it's not just a test, actually, especially not if you can help... anyway, we now return you to your regularly scheduled blog...

some more specific techie details can be found in the previous entry and I know you're gonna go read it and respond or find out from techies you know if you don't know cuz there are techies and super techies and amazing know-everything techies and and I may need the latter, but I'm open to any help I can get…

I switched to Firefox and still had the same problems, so I'm tapping the keys here instead of exploring the web and searching for all the stuff I search for in my aimless random way… wait, volume control is back now… but nothing in the control panel works… maybe if I disconnect from the web for a moment or few… just in case it's some sort of outside attack in spite of the Firewalls and whatever else… no immediate change in the control panel being broken… maybe I simply made a mistake in buying a used computer and should have thought about it some more and spent three times this for a decent new laptop… my brain is suggesting I do that anyway and call this one a write off, but here we are again at that question… will a new XP machine run any better for me than this one… maybe it's just my usage habits that ask too much of any ordinary Microsoft computer… or any computer made these days…

what, browsing the web including myspace for twenty-four consecutive hours while downloading hundreds of files while writing several Word documents while keeping email open while checking out other programs while changing control panel options for IE7 while comparing site appearances in Firefox while burning a CD while whatever and promising her anything but giving her Arpege and dancing in the dark is too much to ask of a modern day computer?...

I think it's time to eat…

yup, it was… the vegetarian in me must be locked up in the closet with the budget director as I broiled a steak (Delmonico) and ate it with salad and broccoli and ice cream and mousse and down that road of decadence and weight gain I travel again this week (it's been how many days since I ran?... not all this week with the computer shopping and concerts taking all my evening time… I have never been quiet so inconsistent in my habits as I've been this decade… it may be (for another entry, I suppose) the remnants of the damage done in the last intimate interactions with humans have left me more disrupted than I originally thought, or perhaps it's the time alone lingering in hunger for intimacy might cause gradual deterioration in the focus on health and positivity and hope and consistency…

I look outside myself for inspiration, for support, for assistance, for help, for guidance, for someone to care enough to step into my world and clean up and take my hand and lead me to somewhere new and more positive than where I've been lately to renew my hope in humanity and extend my belief in sharing love and intimacy in this life again… and years of finding nothing of the sort has worn away much of the will to continue…

I look inside myself to find the same happy child who needs nothing but momentary experiences and sustenance and love most of all just wants to enjoy being and have fun… sharing such perspective and experience is the most fun of all, but if the sharing doesn't happen it's sad for the world… the child inside still enjoys being in the moment and exploring the fun that is happening inside and out…

so I feel sadness that sharing does not happen the way I know it can and I cry for the human wasteland we collectively create with the lives we live these days… and I sigh to accept my part in it as a visitor to this life… my choice to travel through and observe, rather than take a lead, may add to the malaise that becomes collective suicide for the species… it may be too late to change the decision, the habit, the process… there may not be enough time, even if I wanted to…

I have remained uncommitted to any specific lifestyle for so long, waiting for a partner just as uncommitted to choose with me a specific lifestyle or to chose with me to explore different perspectives and lifestyles, as we wish… and whether I'm right or whether I'm wrong, this was and is the choice I felt and feel is best for me for I know myself and my will/power/strength and do not want to be set in ways that might (probably would) dominate a relationship… the results, however, have been to experience a very few relationships that were mostly volatile and possibly destructive, but certainly paused (ended?) indefinitely… and the love I experience inside goes on to dream in words and share in professional ways and care for others who do not care for themselves too well… it is satisfying on many levels, but the personal depths remain unshared, even in words, as I mostly babble on about daily life and random abstractions these days…

more and more this decade, I leave myself behind…

perhaps that youth fading from this body, a natural process I am accepting with increasing complacency… perhaps, like this laptop, there is not enough memory (as the third Word document simultaneously opened has produced a message that there is not enough memory to perform a specific operation… maybe it's Word 2007 being unregistered that's sabotaging the system?... now IE7 will not open and the system has slowed to a crawl even with everything else closed… is this what XP is about, just another crappy Microsoft OS?... why spend thousands on a system if it's the same crap I have on my 32MB machine?) or time is wearing down the physical components, perhaps overheating is burning out enough brain cells to produce limitations on consciousness, perspective, and ability that were never experienced when this body (or laptop) was new… ah, so the two major discussions (monologs) in this entry are tied together in the end…

is this the end? :)