alone again, but naturally?

just past half past five am and the world still whirls around, but i only know because i feel it, not because i am experiencing it, if you know what i mean (and this one thought will most likely be misunderstood bny 99.9% of the people who would read it if a large enough group read it)...

Happy Birthday Tom Croen

yes, that's it,

Happy Birthday Tom Croen

may you google yourself someday and find this and smile :)

3am again

yes, this datestamp is backdated a few hours, as usual, cuz there was no entry wednesday and this is all about wednesday and that is just the way it is, for what it's worth)...

the softball team is gonna hate me tomorrow if i don't figure out how to wake up and be on target from the mound (i pitch, in case you didn't know)... but i had fun tonight allowing myself to be lead astray from the sensible go to sleep early on wednesday nights commitment i made to myself and the team by the nicest of peoples :)

i played hooky, sorta, today... i went downtown for a two hour conference and took the whole day away for business... hey, the conference was scheduled for four hours and i did have to drive through downtown rush hour traffic, after all... the conference was a relative waste of time as they went over stuff i already knew, but it was good to get out a bit...

afterwards, i stopped for fish food (a local fish restaurant) and went home for a nap before heading back out to meet a new friend at one of the local poetry reading coffee houses that i've been meaning to get to and now, finally did... intellectual word-people, what a new and exciting environment for potential sharing... the do it every wednesday night, but starting the end of this month i'll be playing softball three nights a week, including wednesdays, so i might show up late and stinky from time to time... we'll see how much they welcome that, aye?...

and then the phone stuck to my ear for a couple of hours or so and that was nice... oh yeah, i left one thing out... there i was almost walking out of a store with a new laptop as there's a pretty good sale at office depot this week when the phone rings and it's Minnie in need of money... does the universe actually know when i am about to treat myself?... so once again, as it has been for years, i put off getting a new laptop so i can help someone else...

and i write it here to remember why i do it... it felt wonderful... and i have a laptop i use the works... i have a mac desktop i never even hooked up yet cuz i haven't had the time... and i am still not looking forward to getting used to a buggy Windows Vista... i might still decide to impulsively buy that laptop if it's still on sale the next time i think about it and have time to stop at an office depot, but until i sinf a partner who gives me reason to reconsider my altruistic ways, i suppose i'll just be me... or as the song from Rent goes, today for you, tomorrow for me...

someday, or so the karmatologists tell me, it will all come around and i can share it with those who deserve it most, me and a certain angel in NYC who was my best friend for longer than anyone else in this life (and i hope to find her again someday, hear that dink?... omigosh, or was that ding?... did my memory just blink?... help, help, dementia alert... i miss you ding) and whomever is around at the time...

hey, we all have blog names, remember?...

so we shall see if these poetry/prose readers actually get me to take words more seriously and write stuff that i might read in public somewhere down the road (feel free to suggest anything in my vast archives that may be worth reading in public cuz you know i'm not gonna choose unless hell freezes over or something like that)... most of what was read tonight was more prose story than poetry, but then, just cuz it doesn't rhyme, that doesn't mean it's not poetry, right?... how many double negatives was that?...

enough, i should sleep now... besides, you have better things to do than to read this sort of self-indulgent self-analysis and detailed record of whatever passes through my head... and if you don't, well then, go find better things to do right now, dangit!...

laughter is good... may you find more of it :)

sleep walking through excitement

ah, as the madness of sleep deprivation continues to run through me and another work week begins, i find life as exciting as ever, even while sleepwalking through it... it is i who/that is not as exciting as ever, not life... but that's ok, cuz i can enjoy life even if life doesn't always enjoy me and i have no problem with life winning, just in case it's a competition... and hopefully i will raise my energy level again one day and laugh with life at myself and life, again....

excuse me, it is not so easy to hear myself think over the roar of sleep demanding i give in and cease and desist and maybe even snore a little...

but first i wanted to continue where i left off last night by saying i will continue where i leave off today by continuing tomorrow because the head i live in most of the time is falling over...

i think i actually got a call and a message today from the person who inspired another response to things... you remember when i used to do those things, right?... way back when btc was in it's heyday... there was the original 101 Things and then The Sequel and then The Trilogy and then there was the 202 Things and then 202 More Things and still more when 202 Things Again came along... it was all part of that little intro to me do you really want to know me? portion of the right sidebar on btc at diaryland way back when...

heck, there was a whole lot more, in case you are new to this babbling madness i call my written gardens, and even a johari window for you to add to my endless introductions, biographical data, and random stuff about me... the endless appreciation of words and sharing them in play and in serious (as in sharing each other) is still one of the most exciting things about life for me...

so now there is another unplanned self-portrait of sorts, borne on the wings of a unicorn, that will become a page of it's own somewhere, maybe back there or maybe somewhere new (oh no, how could i ever find time for yet another?)... so maybe tomorrow i will do that things thing again... for now, you can click on that last link cuz you love me so much (or just have to know everything like us crazies)...

and now, i really must let my head fall over for the night...

but before i do...

happy birthday joanne

later

ridiculously, i am still awake (that was 3:43am Tuesday morning)... i did another one of those respond to someone's things entries, but we know those egocentric reflections do not belong here, they are babble stuff, not RealTime™ stuff... so i ought to put it btc, but then, btc has been sleeping so long, it's disconnected from this so i'll decide what to do with it later...

from tomorrow to yesterday

you can focus on the positive and ride the wonderful wave it provides...

you can focus on the negative and use it to beat yourself up...

you can do as you wish...

i wish there was less negative and more positive...

i wish there was more gentle and less caustic...

i can not change others, i can only change myself...

i can try to ignore or walk away or block out the negative and caustic, but that wastes energy and leaves me dissatisfied, so i rarely try...

i learn to perceive everything as personally or impersonally as i wish...

i believe everything can be presented more positively...

i do not want to spend my time judging others or myself, even though i do sometimes...

i can do as i wish (even though i don't sometimes... do i forget?)...

there is so much in this world that can hurt me when i want to feel hurt...

i ask myself, why would i want to feel hurt?...

sometimes the questions run too deep...

maybe REM or Supertramp or U2 or some external influence might distract me and/or provide assistance...

just a round about way of getting to the answer which has always been between my ears...

am i a scardy cat?... wasting time?... is that where i'm at?... wasting rhyme?... the cat in the hat, was that a crime?... pinned to the mat is not sublime... too many questions, too little time...

so stop asking?

irony, aye, a question about questioning if too many questions are being asked of myself... the convolutions are escapable, but only when i stop adding to them...

fight or flight is a waste of time for me... may it be more useful for you...

boundaries may be the most important awareness of all...

and locus of control...

and breath...

the air is yours for but a moment, embrace it, treasure it, release it, it is being alive...

and love...

or whatever...

as you wish...

it's 3am, do you know where you are?

yes, it is 3am tomorrow, regardless of what the time date stamp might say... and this has been an oddly retro weekend as i went out with mini-groups both nights so far... saturday i had dinner with a few (five) of the people from the game group cuz one of the people i will say yes to if she invites me invited me cuz one of the other people was moving north and so we had a farewell dinner... we saw Drillbit Taylor after dinner at Toojays... and sunday i went to a friend of Rasputin's to play poker in a small room full of smoke, one of my least favorite environments, but playing the game was fun for the time we did... somebody spoke and a went into a dream, ahhhhh... ah ah ah... ah ah ah... ah ah ah...

for a moment, there was a glimpse of long lost sensuality...

we met Precious and her best friend and his parents for dinner at the Lobster Feast, the tourist place that is owned by Rasputin's boss... Raspy got us free dinners, though i tossed a twenty into the tip, so it wasn't exactly free... but i won nine dollars playing cards (which isn't bad in a nickle-dime game with four people), so... whatever...

the absence of potential for satisfying intimacy (for me) or even true comfort was evident throughout the weekend, but then, so was the stagnating stench of human waste that i, for one, am tired of being a part of even as i am (so many messed up prepositions and structure has gone to pot)...

never mind the drug references, just do it...

response to tomorrow's thoughts

brief analysis of the moment then,
is good and may even be zen
but in depth analysis of time and space
means the zen didn't work in the first place

unless, of course, we are seeking the zen (re: understanding of, ) of in-depth analysis, which is mostly an avoidance of the being by getting lost in the [thought] process...

and if you understand, you find it genius... and if you do not, you find it boolsh, or BS... but then, many spend four years taking extra classes just to earn BS, so there may be a little worth to it after all... not that spending four year doing anything guarantees worth... so it is relative… like algebra, who knew i'd be using it daily decades after acing it and wondering why, but that's besides the point (except to touch on RealTime™ for a moment, if only to connect with the original purpose of this blog and therein satisfy the purists we can be, speaking for myselves, at least…

i love it when we can have these convulsations...

too many words, not enough cuddling, therein is the genius exposed...

i think (speaking of going against the grain and contradicting wisdom, or self, for that matter), that we humans (now that i feel like i can speak as one) spend way too much time thinking about what we've lost and not nearly enough time thinking about what we have, no less enjoying either... enjoy the memories in the moment, but focus on enjoying the moment and all that is in it (for there is not enough time to do more, only less, and doing less diminishes the moments and therein, dilutes the memories as well)...

but losing everything,
that's like the sun going down on me...

and the sun has actually gone down on me several times, in spite of my earnestly singing that song to the universe and anyone who might have cared at the time... but when losing everything, left with nothing, it's nothing, or like the song, or prayer, for that matter (what matter?), mostly a distraction from doing [something]...

kind of like the song you mention, thanks to Tim Rice and the boys from ABBA, though you might mean the Frankie goes to Hollywood version, as opposed to the Murray Head original, everything (especially entries like this, no less convulsations), is kind of like a game of Chess (or at least a play on words… or more accurately, words being names, after all, a play upon names which has been shortened, in modern language, to pun... as once again we wonder if digression is the better part of valor or squalor)….

anyway, the doctor orders state:

repeat that not seeing the forest for the trees metaphor (or analogy, which is kind of like what z might be suggesting about zen, or i could be stretching my understanding well beyond conception outside of my mind as complexity leaves out some connections that i assume there because they are there for me... genius is internal and mostly viewed as delusional until it is understood, but that's another back story) until the association is made, or until sleep overtakes the meditation, whichever comes first...

It's a drag, it's a bore, it's really such a pity
To be looking at the board, not looking at the city


Murray Head Lyrics
One Night In Bangkok Lyrics

or maybe you just feel the devil walking next to you... or maybe even more, it's the irony of the last song on that particular soundtrack that calls out checkmate in the deepest corners (or windmills, which may or may not be a reference to a few other songs, depending on perspective and flexibility) of your mind...

Nothing is so good it lasts eternally
Perfect situations must go wrong
But this has never yet prevented me
Wanting far too much for far too long.

Looking back I could have played it differently
Won a few more moments who can tell
But it took time to understand the man
Now at least I know I know him well

No one in your life is with you constantly
No one is completely on your side
And though I move my world to be with him
Still the gap between us is too wide.

and for background spice we add simple facts like in Australian, the song pushed I Want to Know What love is by Foreigner out of the #1 spot and most everywhere else (outside the US and UK), it was Shout by Tears for Fears that usurped it on the charts... so yes, if you want to know what love is, then let it all out, but then, move on..

game, set, match, love.

note the period...

everything can be broken down to simple mathematics for those who have any understanding or aptitude for simple mathematics, else, it can be words trying to express more than words, which almost always leads to failure and the bible, or some other book or rules… no offense to any book of rules, or revelations, for that matter, but if it doesn't happen in your head, it didn't really happen for you… perspective is all we can find sometimes, but now and then, if we leave behind all we've been told, we might find clarity...

ah…

and to bring it full circle as this exercise in mental yoga comes to a climax, or rest point, (for this entry, at least, or then again, i mean for tomorrow's entry), when i wish a moment of zen, i must do more than wish... never mind the babbling, the analysis, the conditions, the rules, the revelations, the thinking, (or even the songs, for that matter), just do it...

so what i am doing now is

let's see, instead of sleeping tonight i spent a couple of hours setting up fantasy baseball teams, more than two dozen of them, really, because i love numbers and statistics and games that involve numbers and statistics and i seem to be less interested in sleep than ever and i was rarely interested in sleep, especially during times of singlehood... in fact, the only time i am ever at all really interested in sleep is during times of couplehood because i love the cuddling into unconditionally trusting oblivion that sleeping with someone can be and love even more the waking in that infantile state, if you know, the one that Tinkerbell remembers Peter Pan in, where she'll always love him, and such newborn eyes sights, so i find things to do to amuse my brain while not sharing that...

i wonder how long the body will survive in singlehood...

also, besides the hours fun calculating the numerical probabilities of fantasy baseball teams, i wandered meetups a bit and added a few more to my calendar... you know my calendar, right?... i mean, you remember me mentioning my calendar that i found online and created so people can actually know where i am and what i do in real time so maybe someone who might want to meet me might come out to meet me in all the safety and awkwardness of a public place... emphasis on the safety...

wait, the link is around here somewhere...

and i joined another softball league, so come the end of June i will be playijng softball Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday evenings... maybe it'll raise my interest in sleep as i pitch inconsistently and hobble afterward... not as bad as the guy in Misery, but stoll hobbling is not a way to be playing softball, if being a team sport and all... unless everybody hobbles, then it might be ok...

i hope the people on the team are fun... i hope i get on a team... i hope they don't have a pitcher... i hope they let me try to play another position too now and then... i hope they don't all laugh at me... i hope they are nice... i hope the girls are really horny hot babes who wear super tight short shorts and skimpy halter tops and all want to sleep with me...

ok, i'm kidding... i hope they want to do more than sleep...

ok, i'm kidding... i hope they are innocent and adorable...

i really am not into the hooter's girl types... not that there's anything wrong with being a hooter's girl type, but i am just not into the typical large-breasted-females that is the norm for this culture... i'm probably a pervert...

and while all this (or that above the last aside into foreplay, or fiveplay, even) was going on (the fantasy baseball, the meetup wonderings, the baseball signing up, and so on (beware of the and so ons, ya know?), Precious was playing an all-night marathon of Gilmore Girls, complete with it's cuteness and witty raportee and stereotypical human misdirection that all great human stories are made of (hours and hours and days and years and lifetimes of saying the opposite of what is really meant or felt inside cuz of some pride thing or something… people are such scaredy cats)…

so here we sit as the sun approaches the horizon, just out of sight from this vantage point at this moment, but we know it's there, after all, we are not ignorant tribes of nomadic wandering people fearing the dark and making blood sacrifices to appease the gods that press the sun down into the earth each night and might keep it there forever without the blood and the dancing and the praying stuff or killing in the name of any other sort of religious hogwash, are we?…

you just never know when that socio-political sort of commentary might suddenly rear it's amusingly obnoxious (or is that obnoxiously amusing) head… just apologize to the fundamentalists and bend over and let them… well, you want peace, don't you?... yes, staying up all night does bring all sorts of thoughts (you know, thoughts, those things that somehow pass through the brain cells now and then) to mind… especially when the rapid dialogue of the Gilmore Girls is rambling on in the background hour after hour as if there is so much to talk about the words must be compressed into cartoon-like run-on sentences replete with nouveau classic literary references and obscure intellectual humor that gives those in the know the sense of being in the know, you know?...

well, here comes the sun (da duh duh da) and it is alright... ridiculous as it may be to stay awake all night, it's alright... yes, little darling, and i say, it's all right... maybe i should nap an hour before heading to work…

nite nite :)

ok, i can take a hint

self-destruction sucks all by myself... then again, i'm only doing it to attract someone to save me, even though nobody can... i'd just like to believe that somebody can, like care enough and be strong enough and want to enough and have the time and the energy and the will and the magic and the amazingess and the adorability (that's the key, in case you didn't know) and know how to use it just right (that's the secret, in case you didn't know) and...

still not sleeping enough and dumb is the word... still not exercising enough and dumber is the word... i could probably make a really bad movie all by myself... random thoughts are crashing into each other and forming this entry, so far, at least...

i babbled on a bit here and there, there being elsewhere, but then, you already know about myspace where i am a faux star who leaves people speechless... ironic gift for a kid who wants to share words and everything, isn't it?... anyway, i started three new blogs too, but we'll just slip that in here between the lines until i decide they are something i want to announce and do a little dance about... a jig, even... the ridiculousness of the process of the method to my madness is far beyond the comprehension of the most understanding i've known, but the ruminating lovers sometimes catch a glimpse of the secret between laughter and tears and screams and sighs... and when those two lines turn into a song, i'll be sure to let you know...

it's all about the love, even if nobody really knows...

meanwhile, i present you with the keys to the kingdom, even if nobody has time to use them, or even play with them, as we shuffle through our separate lives along what authors much more worthy of reading than i called this mortal coil... sometimes it's more like a spider's web, actually, but then, it's all a matter of perspective... ultimately, it doesn't matter whether the glass is half full or half empty when you're thirsty...

sometimes i just gawk widely at the words i see popping up on the screen after my fingers touch the keys and wonder who wrote them...


so what's new in the real?...

same old same old, work went well as a little more respect and responsibility and power and all that professional stuff comes my way... people in house are depending on me more and i finally nudged the administrator over and took a big bite out of his job (the risk manager part) as he was freaking people out as he does now and then over an incident he wanted investigated... not that he hasn't hinted enough times, but then, our salary negotiation was that we'd renegotiate an increase if i took the risk manager responsibility, so that's gonna be our the summer dance no matter how much he tries to avoid it... and i also found out that i seem to have a growing reputation at corporate and my number is being passed around to other facilities as if i am someone important to know and learn from... don't know how long i'll want to be in the work spotlight this time, but it seems to be moving closer...

life at home is lazier than usual as i am taking a break from going out every night lately... watched American Idol for the singer in me... watched basketball out of half an eye while playing my fantasy baseball and checking email and meetups and myspace and my personal stuff on the web... still out of the habit of checking sites not mine, except for the random stop at myspace when i want to read distract my brain a bit... i hope you are still out there writing or something...

g'nite, i love you, won't you come out and play :)

facebook

that's where i was all night... i nodded off a few minutes, then woke up again and checked email and found an invitation to facebook and so i went there and looked in on my account (yeah, i have a facebook too... years, actually... you expected any less?... only have one friend there though, remember Moo?... yes, diaryland Moo... i followed the love... blame her) there and started playing the movie trivia game and my longest correct answer streak is 31 in a row... yay me...

sleep?... maybe i'll lay down before midnight tonight...

yeah, right

well, a good thing we all pretended that we didn't read the last entry since it was nothing about nothing, not that this entry will be about anything, or something, for that matter... I did just see Valerie Bertinelli on TV for a few moments a few moments ago and for a few moments i felt the old crush i used to have on her when we were both teenagers and she was the cute on...

there was a lot more to say about a lot of other things, but i wandered over to myspace and seemed to let a whole other thing out there, or few, and then i nodded off, finally, and now i'm technically late for work, as usual, so see you later or sometime after this time...

another litle bit of nothing, but at last this time, it could lead to something...

so i did nothing today

just woke and sat here with Rasputin since about 3pm glancing up at the TV while the NBA playoffs and Sunday evening FOX cartoons were on, but mostly reading through emails (I only get one address on this laptop daily, but i created accounts for two others so i can check them occasionally and i downloaded and randomly looked through a few of the thousands of emails that were in those two accounts), ordering CDs from CDbaby (cuz one of the emails i checked was from Jen Chapin and i ordered her new CD while listening to her old songs and while i was there i ordered a bunch more, so now cdbaby loves me... no really, they sent me an email that said cdbaby loves ric... so i feel so very good about myself now... who said money can't buy you love, anyway?), and wandering through fantasy baseball leagues while setting up a new one, checking the meetup calendars, pausing to prepared (so i did stand up for a few minutes) and eat a tuna and cereal cold casserole (i don't know what else to call it, but i like it and it's a bridge toward eating healthier cuz i make it with fat-free mayo and healthy cereal and most importantly, i can mix it together outside of the kitchen), and generally relaxing in my own little world (which is still one my my favorite places ever)...

i don't know why you read all that... i told you i did nothing today (as i slink away with a smirk-like smile and g'nite :)

PS... thanks for checking the calendar, i think i fixed the links...

your turn

wonderful way with words
they say
who says?
you say?
i say
no way!
way!

wonderful way with words
again
repeat?
discreet
defeat?
replete

what say you with your words
right now
and how?
you vow
allow?
now!

utterly meaningless or not
say what?
a lot
forgot?
why not?
not!

and last night, i couldn't get to sleep at all, almost, as usual, mostly… but then again i could have fallen out if i really wanted to so the levels of desire were in conflict again and i said good night to the world and the moon way later than this body might have wanted but the mind continues long after the body seeks rest… that may not be my best, but it is who i am right now…

so i slept three hours or so, like the night before and the night before that and so on and farther back and then today i woke early to meet a meetup that was to take a train to Ybor City (sounds like something like a science fiction tale, if you recall, rico, total-ly) and a group of twenty one semi-strangers would-be friends each took a part of the story that someone wrote for us and read the play aloud each learning more about the whole story as the plot thickened with each paragraph and the enjoyment spread through us like a cast on opening night and then we paused for dinner that was more like a lunch but it was still very delicious at the Columbia Restaurant and then we took the trolly back to the train station where we boarded the train and continued our play-acting until the conclusion when we were all amused and then eleven hours later we were standing in a circle saying how much we enjoyed it and then friendly farewells and then me and the writer wandered over to a meetup that was in a wine-tasting and we met some new strangers and some semi-stranger would-be friends and one of them said something that was quite entertaining and somewhat awakening with blessed honesty that lead me to start thinking and you know when that happens everybody better watch out cuz the depths could be drowning unless you are a swimmer living in the here and now and so i asked some questions of myself and started answering and that lead me to running more than two miles tonight in just under thirty minutes (actually twenty-eight) and as i sit here dripping i relate the day to you and record it here for me so i can remember and reflect on it tomorrow or some other time, perhaps, and if only posterity will know… then that's reason enough to let words flow…

so i say

it does not matter what we are doing when we are sharing life honestly
magic emotion is the feeling of being real completely
when you dare to reach out
that's what life is about

(pause for subtle shift to slow seriousness)
(and a touch of intensity)





.

.

.





hello
who are you
let me care about you
and if you care about me
even better

hello
will you tell me
what really matters to you
and if you want to know me
even better

but just for a moment
try being yourself
tell me what is real
in your heart and mind
what do you want right now
without affectations
no standing ovations
just allow
me to care about you
i am listening
let me learn
who you are
your turn

P.S.

anybodfy our there check to see if my calendar link works for you on your computer?...

how about now?

i appreciate you taking the time to help me see things from your perspective... cuz if you can't see my calendar, then it's just for me and i might tired of it much more quickly... so i'll ask again if you missed this one too (i know i don't always make it easy for you :)

nite nite :)

too easy

I wrote this comment in response to a comment to the previous entry and within a few lines, the random blogging cells in this brain in this head in which i find myself from time to time started pouring into words, so here we are gathering for yet another blog entry that surely belongs in the babbling blog (which is a pale comparison to the original babbler who shall remain anonanonanon, but we don't have to call it surely...

whatever form the bad stuff is taking, i hope it continues to move around you and not through you, or even touch you...

i am on a cloud 9 of sorts, for no apparent reason, which is often the best way to get there...

fools they all be, as nobody shares it, but i love them anyway...

reason is overrated...

so is faith...

i'll continue this in a blog entry cuz it is another day...

so here we are… i was about to wonder something in that comment response, but now i am just wondering what i was going to wonder… maybe it was something about the blind following the blind, but i doubt it… it was a random thought that was pouring out of random blogging cells in this brain in this head in which i find myself from time to time… all i can tell you for sure is that it was brilliant, not merely magical brilliant like harry potter or ron might say, but fucking brilliant beyond cool and amazing (or the twilight zone, even)…

i am suddenly (as suddenly as i was sucked into the babble by the cells previously mentioned) distracted by tv and the apparent hunger calling from this body… i at light today, again, and had a serious workout at softball (we won a close one with a six run come back in the bottom of the seventh… i was pitching hot and cold, striking out some of the guys and walking some of the girls, size matters, apparently, especially when i am tired… we tied it up with in a bunch of runs in the sixth and then gave up five more runs in the top of the seventh, so the six run come back in the bottom of the seventh was seriously cool… we won't have the home team advantage again this season, so it's good we took advantage of it this time) and the muscles are hungry for protein and then there's the emotional hunger that is relatively constant and could be the death of me if i don't get back in control of it…

and it's late, again, and i have a long day tomorrow or i have work to finish over the weekend because Monday is the quality council, which is the primary meeting i chair each month that requires complete reports and organization and much juggling… yet here i sit instead of sleeping because i want to keep sharing, or at least keep the illusion of sharing that is this blogging experience… when you arrive, you may read and get this same experience of sharing… we suspend time and eliminate the physical separation by trusting the words are here just for us in the timeless experience that is blogging… you may have read that somewhere else tonight, or something like it, or somebody may have, something about lab rats…

so i paused to whip up some food, tuna (canned) and fat free mayo and some chex mix, bold flavored, all smushed together in a bowl… i was obviously craving salt as well as protein and some carbs… maybe it was the sixty ounces of water i drank since i got home… smushed is a culinary term, but the way, i mean, even if they don't use it on the food channel, which i have adeptly avoided for all the years it's been on because if it didn't avoid it for all the years it's been on i would surely be seven hundred pounds… so i ate and now part of me (most likely the brain reacting to the carbs) is contently restful and another part of me (most likely the body responding to the carbs) is buzzing with energy… the muscles feel better though, even if that is psychological… probably has something to do with all of it, the salt, the protein, the carbs, and the brain… anyway, so the mouse sits on the belly-shelf and the keyboard sits on my lap and the fingers are happily typing…

i wonder if i will fall in love again with someone who falls in love with me before this body grows too old to enjoy it, or even in this life… at least i've loved and lost, which is better than to have never, really it is…

that random thought was brought to you by the part of the brain that is otherwise known as the heart, especially in romantic circles…

and somewhere along that path i slipped into la la land and enjoyed a brief, but wonderful sleep…

nite nite :)

working late

even later tonight than last night, but getting some serious work done on the spreadsheets for reports so there will continue to be new analysis and reports at this month's quality meeting... i think i am starting to go over the heads of many of the people who need more education in statistical analysis, especially when it comes to behavioral measures... the last auditor who came through asked if i would present my system at a conference, so i appear to be ahead of the curve... maybe i'll take it seriously and find a doctor to sign off on the work and package it and sell it and make a fortune again...

probably not... money holds less interest for me these days than it ever did and it never was anything more than a nuisance (i'd much prefer a barter culture)... but i do still enjoy playing with numbers...

so i take a break from the social life this week and i miss the interaction (maybe some local locos will start reading here, though i don't know if i've met anyone as addicted to words and language and written communication and writing as therapy and fun as i am yet... or anyone as open and uninhibited, for that matter... but there's always hope, ya know) and still haven't found what i'm looking for and all that jazz... not that i've actually looked for anything in a long time...

and this is why i adore her even more...

so the basketball playoffs are on the tv now (after American Idol that Precious was watching when i got home, a rare night when both of us are home) and the apartment is more of a wreck than ever as i stopped trying to pick up after anyone, including myself, but i'm seldom here so it's become a moot point for me... i could be saving a lot more money, but i've given up on living here my way and eat most meals out these days... i'll save for retirement in another life...

so what else is new?...

tomorrow is softball again, so i really should give this body some sleep tonight because it do feel it when i am pitching... but i sat here staring at the boob tube vegging when i got home and if i was tired i'd have nodded off... obviously not giving the body enough exercise to make it tired and yet, definitely not giving it enough sleep to be optimal... story of this life, more or less...

and lonely, but that's not new...

i just opened some mail and found a bill from a medical test from a year ago... what kind of crap is that?... apparently the thieves (corporate america, in this case the medical industry and insurance companies) want more money over and above the money they get out of every check and from my employer... i'll call my insurance company tomorrow and see if this is yet another mistake like the last dozen times they refused to pay... Blue Cross is definitely one of the biggest rip-offs going...

i'm about done with modern medicine anyway... they just feed each other and rip-off the patient... i see it from the inside and as a patient, over-ordering tests and then not following up after payment is received, but worse, requesting additional payment a year later because they think they can get it... most people pay without question, i suppose... i could make good use of the three grand my roommates have borrowed too... i did not think they would stiff me, but there's no movement... i think it's about time for a change of direction, or at least for the wallet to close for a while (except for my renewed social life)...

see what i mean, money is just a nuisance... life was a lot simpler when i had none...i learned a long time ago that having it just attracts people who want it and they'll take as much as they can get... so why do i continue to believe i might find someone who doesn't do that even as i am repeatedly milked?...

it has been a very long time since i lived with someone i could completely trust and share everything with knowing there would be an equitable balance... i knew that experience once for almost a decade and i definitely wish i could find it again...

there, z, i know you haven't read this sort of home life crap in a while and you've missed it cuz you love throwing it back at me cuz it's so much easier to respond to than my flights of fancy love love love crap (shhhh, i am not giggling, it's just the wind)...

meanwhile, what's this i hear about Jay Leno retiring and Conan O'Brian and Jimmy Fallon being the lead replacement candidates... they probably won't pay enough for Jon Stewart or me, not that i'd want the gig... i'm way too cynical in this stage of life to play that everybody's friend game... they should bring back Johnny as a for a guest host... yes, the Carson... did i ever tell you that i chose my name slightly influenced by his name... six letters starting with a c, you see?... totally non-denominational and generic, high sales value and all...

i think it's time for the Colbert Report...

doesn't he do what what's-his-name, the host who tried to be Chevy Chase on SNL, you know, Dennis Miller, used to do, only better?...

ok, i've exhausted all the topics on page one of the how-to-write-a-blog-without-even-trying book that i am not writing, but contemplating suddenly between blinks and digging out navel lint... so it's time to bring this blog entry that really belongs over there, that diaryland place i've so long neglected, and not here where i am meant to be trying to be human and bring RealTime™ to life in real time through brief synopsetic entries that tell you and the universe all about me and this life i so-called live… the words will continue to flow into other places and still more blogs as time goes by (you must remember this) because that is what words do, at least in my mind (and out of my mind too), but the days of run-on sentences casually spilling into random paragraphs about this that and everything else not anywhere near any reasonably connectable point for no apparent reason other than it can be done (and often) may be waning ever so slightly (like the girls in girls gone wild videos), but the ridiculous and meandering references may still pop out (like the Doughboy when you poke his tummy) every now and then, or sometimes, even, so no worries and don't fret if you miss me, or it, for as long as there are blood cells flowing through the muscles that manipulate the digits at the end of the appendages extruding from this body (particularly upper, cuz i'm not so much into that my left foot kind of thing and hope i never have to find out if i would be), there will be words pouring forth kind of like this (and i so do appreciate you finding them wherever they may be)… see, besides late night underage flashers, just look at what you'd miss if you got fed up and stopped reading at the pathetic whining part...

so let's all sit back and watch Lil' Bush or some other educational television show…

g'nite :)

i seem to sleep less when i stay home

maybe i am fixated on thoughts of sleep lately, but i am noticing that when i stay home with the intention of getting to bed early and getting a full eight or more hours sleep, i wind up sleeping less than i would if i got home after midnight... i think it is because i crave intimacy and the social interactions and activities distract me from the craving so i can burn off energy and be more ready for sleep... when i sit home vegging in front of the TV or browsing the web, the hunger for sharing creeps up and starts exciting me and sleep is not interesting...

on the other hand, sleep is good... i did less this past weekend than most weekends and got more sleep, so i found myself awake before 6am on monday morning and i finally got out to run again... the hamstrings are definitely tight... muscles are flabby... and there's at least thirty extra pounds on the torso (probably more)... and stamina is sickly horrible... so i did not run steady, but paused several times along the way... i will measure the course i run one of these days, but it's probably a couple of miles...

i carried five pound weights in each hand to give the upper body more work cuz it's the body that needs to drop weight, not the legs... maybe one of these days i'll do another sit up... i try to do at least one a year... i think i skipped they last few...



O . . O


O

yeah, so anyway, i'm watching the Virginia Tech Hokies (college team) leading Team USA (Olympic Team and supposedly some of the best hitters and players in the world) 1 - 0 in softball with the VT pitcher pitching a no-hitter through five innings (unfortunately, she walked one, so it's not a perfect game)... of course i just jinxed her according to every baseball superstition... but then, the announcers have been announcing it every inning... the pitcher tried out for Team USA last year and they didn't take her... they have no college players on their team... so she';s struck out nine Team USA players so far and they have not hit the ball to the outfield yet (so said the announcer)... and the sixth inning is over...

and it's approaching 2am and i wonder if i am still awake because i am alone or because i did not excercise today or because i have an inoperable brain tumor that is pressing against the stay awake part of my brain... that dang brain... it's never had an off switch and probably is related to the energizer bunny...

and the VT girl pitched a no-hitter against Team USA...

i think i especially enjoyed it because after pitching three seasons (and signed up for two more leagues next season already), i consider myself a softball pitcher... so yay for a no-hitter against what these announcers are calling the best team in the world... and the irny that she was one of the last try-outs cut from the team is even sweeter... hopefully the USA Team will learn from that and get better...

so it's late and i should be asleep, but i am here typing to you and to me and to softball teams and to the tv and to the world and to the universe and to cartoon characters in my head and to the dream of love and romance and intimate sharing everything completely openly and honestly forever and ever and infinitely too...

and it was meant to be that i turned the tv to the softball game just as the game started and it was a pitcher's duel and an amazing performance by a young underdog pitcher... yes, the universe provides excitement like that when i ride the waves of energy and trust my instincts to choose... tomorrow will be a groggy day, but tonight was a wonderful night...

even if i was the only one enjoying it...

sigh, and all that stuff that tickles my innards and leaves me grinning... does anybody really know me?... are you still falling for the poor-me alases and misery loves company whining?... don't you know that depression is a playground in the mind just like any other?... all you need to do is choose to enjoy whatever the emotion, wherever you are, whomever you are with... especially yourself, cuz you are always with yourself and the secret to a happy life is knowing how to enjoy yourself...

i hope you had a good night too :)

did i say sleep?

i ought to nap a little, at least, but i am still up doing laundry and bouncing around excited about this, that, and the other thing... more than the previous entry, but that too... life is just more exciting when it's fun... and hope is high, very high, higher than it's been in many years and there's really no reason except for whatever is generating it inside... my choice, of course, but still, more fun when i make it than when i don't... or something like that...

wish someone was here to share these bouncing around sleepless nights, but even the lonelies are fun at the moment... yay for the perspective that gets me here :)

hpop you are having fun out there :)

and the excitement continues to build

oh yeah, the excitement does continue to build… i finally have a calendar… I am not sure if it is visible to you, so let me know what you see when you click on the link…

if i found a calendar that you can see, yay…

i also registered for two more softball leagues starting at the end of June… so i am an excited puppy… hopefully i will get to pitch as that is my most comfortable position, but i suppose challenging myself to play other infield positions will motivate me to start running again and get back to the gym again and take getting back into shape more seriously again… there's always hope (fitting in the healthy dietary plan with the meetup dining out pattern (5-6 times a week lately) will mean i've got to start talking to myself again and stop this cavalier je ne sais qua attitude about this stuff… shhh, i'm excited about the calendar and softball, we'll ponder serious stuff another time…

tonight (or last night, since the sun is up), was much fun… sleep would be good about now…
…

why i blog

and perhaps continuing the thought from the previous entry in some way, this is still the place i come to make announcements to my imaginary friends, which is so weird… my psyche wants to believe we are connected, all of us, and especially all the friends i've known in this life and this RealTime™ blog, like previous semi-similar public writing spaces since the internet came along, is my way of actualizing the dream… for me it is not just a dream, it is a feeling as real as any feeling can be… this writing on a relatively daily basis is my way of actualizing the feeling… i am here, caring about you, hoping you are caring about me, sharing as much as words allow across the distance, relatively all the time… the caring, the love, is a continuous stream of emotional energy i feel and send out silently – all the time – and hopefully regularly in words…

i love being an actualized dreamer as much as i can be and here we are, doing it, caring for real… and the words become physical actions whenever we can connect through them, through voice, and ultimately, finding our way to be in the same space…

i am told by many that they do not want their stuff out here in public… when i leave messages (called shouts at meetup, for instance), sometimes i am asked to communicate through email or by phone rather than by a public message that others can see if they are interested in looking at someone's profile… i respect the request, but i rarely understand it… i have nothing to hide… i am out here in this life to share myself… i know i mean no harm and have confidence in my ability to do that… i would like for everyone (yes, the whole world) to know me because then my truest most compatible simpatico friends would emerge from the billions of people living on the planet… sharing time and space (and words) with the few who understand me most is the most fun live can be for me…

so that's why i continue, even though there are only a few of you finding me here (and acknowledging it)… and now that i am spending most of my time going out locally, i come here with even more hope that people might want to make the time to find me here and get to know me better so we, compatible simpatico friends, can know we exist… there is only so much that can be shared in a few minute (or even a few hour conversation)… these words lead to thousands of pages of the method to my madness, reflections of my imagination, ponderings of this life, vulnerabilities, hopes, fears, pleasures, pains, glorious flights and pathetic self-burials… the words i pour out on to the web may present an enigma, an eclectic array of personalities and playful personae, however there is some part of me in almost (and i do think it is almost cuz there are times i use the web as a storage place for something i want to see or share again with you – you now, you from the past, or you from tomorrow that will be a new now when you get here) everything i upload to the web…

i love conversation… i love listening and reading as much as i love babbling on myself (actually, more, especially when compatible simpatico happens… and that is so rare for me, i've almost forgotten what it feels like… that is what i get out of all this writing, remembering what it feels like, expressing and therein actualizing the feeling of the dream even when i do not have a truly deeply intimately compatible simpatico person in my physical world… words are my way to what most call god, if you get that… while i believe most people create a god in order to feel they are sharing with someone even when they are apparently alone in immediate space and time, i believing in the hope that all these words represent to me… my cosmic holy illusion is right here, know me, share you, we are not alone…

heavy or not, ready or not, agree or not, my blind faith in this actualized concept is stronger than any faith anyone has ever offered to express or share with me… maybe cuz i am more stubborn than anyone i've ever met… and for those who understand and feel they are as secure in their own, we can discuss the experiences we've known that prove our willingness to live and/or die, however insane we may have seemed at the time, and with hope and respect, through mutual choice (and maybe my most radical perspective is that i believe everyone can make this choice no matter what they have been told or believe), reinforce our respective beliefs in our ways…

so this entry hopefully helps express why i am out here… why i blog… and the concept of finding a calendar that can become my most real time blog of all comes closer to clarify in my mind… if you know of one, a calendar that can be used online to link to other pages, let me know… if i like the presentation, it would likely become my primary personal portal for friends and people who really want to know me, meet me, and discuss who we are and whether we are truly compatible simpatico enough to start down the endless path toward become true friends…

cool? :)

there's always hope :)

a night at home

it's apparent to me now that when i feel like making an announcement to the world, i find myself over at myspace writing to, well, the world… here i write to my small circle of imaginary friends, and you, of course, so the flavor is very different, even when the intent is not purely conscious… for instance (as if this might be some sort of example), I will mention Poultrygeist here, thought perhaps not with the same enthusiasm as i did the first time at my myspace tonight, because i am still amused and excited about it because someone i know gave me the promo karaoke CD and she is the director's girlfriend, which makes the idea of the film even more fun than it would be if it was just some odd film that happened across my view…

i took a night off from the wild and crazy merry-go-round social life because the meetup i was going to go to, a Lebanese restaurant, was cancelled at the last minute… i suppose i could have gone there anyway and seen if anyone who didn't get the cancellation email showed up, but instead, i stayed a work late to catch up on some stuff and headed home, cooked some food, turned on the tv, and started doing laundry… laundry is gonna take a while… so i popped in Fargo and Into The Wild and finally watched them (cuz they've been out way too long from the video store, along with four others) and did some laundry and watched some videos and ate some food between naps… it's morning already and i hardly got any writing done (and all the wild horses in the sun too)…

i've got to remember to stop off at work when i wake up later this afternoon cuz my phone charger is at work and it won't last the weekend (might die during the next call)… speaking of phones, mine rang some time before midnight and i answered an unknown number and on the other end of the phone was a vaguely familiar voice asking me about my roots, knowing where i was a little kid, and before long i realized i was talking to my high school best friend and oh what a rush that was… this might stir up a rush of some of the best memories of this life if i give it half a chance (and the time), but the time… might not take the time…

of course if someone was sitting here asking between the fun and games and cuddles and kisses, i could probably get motivated to hop off the merry-go-round long enough to, well, do just about anything… but that's the difference in motivations for me in this life… alone, i seek no direction, no plan, no limits, just living the life and being wherever i am… enjoying the moment and the experience of everything… i can spend years wandering the depths of emotion and philosophy and imagination or i can live in the moment like a leaf on the wind… anything goes… it is vastly different for me when i bond with a partner… then, anything goes, but only if it's a mutual choice… and i can share any adventure happily or just sit and hold each other forever…

and at the end of Into the Wild the philosophy of the solitary traveler enjoying the freedom of the road that the main character and story sells throughout breaks down to the human belief that happiness is not real unless it is shared, which is, of course, why man created god (in the first place)… and i ponder the pros and cons of the human belief systems and the built in excuses and weaknesses and the whitewashed truths and flat out lies and wonder why in the world i'd ever want to play this silly joke on myself of spending years trying to actually be human all by myself when the whole point of being human is sharing…

maybe cuz i am leaving it out here until someone else gets it too as i do…

so morning has broken and the washing machine and dryer continue to turn turn turn and somehow i am not in the mood for Sweeney Todd which is the only video left of the six way overdue vids that i have not seen and maybe it is time for a little music since i have dozens of unopened CDs sitting next to the big green chair cuz i have not made time to sit here and open them in at least a month (how strange is that, bro?), partly because the USB hub burned out a while back in an electrical storm and i do not remember to buy another one when i am out and about…

the wise move now would be to sleep, since i do have plans for this evening and if i fall out now i can get eight solid hours… one more load to switch to the dryer… a few more loads still wait on the floor of my room, but not before sleep… maybe later this weekend since there's no more softball on Sunday, alas… time to drag my lazy butt to the gym more…. and where is the in-my-face motivator?... nothing but scared little kids and lazy old farts (and vice versa) around me…

ah, the sweet nodding off occurred several times during this entry, but never more sweet than during that last paragraph as i was asking where is the in-my-face motivator... i so love that, because that is the question i want to leave out here hanging most of all from a personal (selfish) perspective...

whenever i spend a night at home, the question rises to the top of my mind... where are you... where are you now, first love of mine to play the Moody Blues - and i know you're out there somewhere which leads us to why i am here...

are locals watching?

i wonder whether any of the locals i am meeting in my wanderings through meetup and softball and other places are finding me on the web (interested parties could search for my name and find me pretty easily and those paying attention would hear me mention blogging and myspace and web babbling in passing as we converse)...

this is one way of keeping in touch after all... and definitely one way of finding out whatever one might want to know about me... and where i will be... and that is why this is here, after all...

real time, remember?...

we won the softball game tonight, so our team record is 3-2 because we played poorly in the last two games... we are tied for second in a six team league... we intend to win the championship, but we'll have to play with more consistency in the next eight games... we did hand the first place team their only loss of the season so far, so that's a good sign...

and i'm gonna head to bed now, so g'nite...

hope you are having fun too :)

socializing

so i tell myself that it's Wednesday night and last week i stayed out late and was a wreck the next night and pitched poorly and i should get to sleep earlier tonight and here i am bleary-eyed, teary-eyed, burning-eyed just getting home after a fun fun fun night at BBQ and trivia (and we won too) and then hanging at a local bar playing darts and talking about this that and the other thing (and for all you paranoids out there, yes, we were talking specifically about you so deal with it)...

and i;m sitting there playing trivia and the phone is rining and text messages are coming and people are talking and all of a sudden i've got what appears to be a hellava good social life on the hugging smiling friendly side and dang if that isn't one of the final pieces of the puzzle of becoming a human, so my work here is almost done...

of course there is that little bit about falling in love and being all sorts of helplessly devoted like a leaf in the wind or two sparrows in a hurricane, but we can't very well go do that without a viable partner and so far, no viable partner has arrived on the scene (so many criteria to be viable, but of course, there's always the crazy wild intimate passion partner for sensual frolics and nights naked under the stars letting all inhibitions run wild and free, but such a partner isn't within sight just yet either)... so for now the socializing is the wonderful time-passing experience that we can all enjoy in our own way... for some it may even be enough...

last night was trivia at the old place and the old group did not show up... amazing how people can be herded and manipulated... and funny how one insect can damage so much grain... we still had fun (since i know a bunch of people there it was easy to find another group) and i even got some BBQ sauce in my hair (frisky bunch)...

monday i actually tried to rest, and i did stay home, but still bounced around (and yet, still did not get laundry done, a task that is way overdue) and did not get more than five or six hours sleep... that is a lot for these days though... this is the way it was for most of this life until the world imploded in toronto a bit more than a decade ago... then came homelessness, poverty, depression, ambivalence, apathy, and then, while rebuilding acceptance of the sedentary suicidal vegetative lifestyle of the people i chose to make home sharing family this decade... and lately the lifestyle is changing, though i am hardly doing meaningful exercise on a daily basis and still eating way more caloriest than the body needs each day, i am socializing a whole lot more... and sleeping a whole lot less...

and having much fun... tomorrow is softball so i shall try to get four hours sleep... i hope life is good for you out there and i want to know, so tell me all about it...

sleep?... I forgot... so let's catch up

so i catch up a bit, but before i do, here's a moment of naked (what is a moment of naked you might ask, well, a moment of naked {is it time to copyright or trademark that or something?} is a sort of confession kinda thing where i open myself up and share something that might be considered rather intimate, at least by human standards, and it might even be rather suddenly because it just pops up in my mind or experience while i may be doing something else, ok?)...

i spontaneously cry, kind of like a narcoleptic might fall asleep suddenly, at random times during the day or night while in the middle of doing something else because i think about something and it brings on enough emotion to bring on tears... sometimes it is a happy emotion, sometimes a sad emotion... tears are not always sad, tears are, for me at least, a release of emotion... when any emotion grows to a certain level of intensity, tears flow...

and now back to the entry already in progress...

catching up on the weekend (or week?)... well, the schedule is right there on the side of this page, so you could already know what i've been doing... fun...

monday we went to see Leatherheads and enjoyed it, though it was a typical sports movie romantic comedy... a calzone before and fried wontons (stuffed with cream cheese and crab, so they were actually crab rangoon, but not called that because we were in The Cheesecake Factory... and then a chocolate mousse cheescake...

tuesday we went to Bergamo's, an upscale italian restaurant with a circular stage in the center that has a grand piano... waiters take turns singing italian opera and american show music... overpriced, mediocre service, excellent food, small portions, music too loud, so that'a one star from me, though it's probably higher rated by the pros...

Wednesday night we went to Mykonos for greek food... good food, excellent service, large portions, reasonably priced, storefront atmosphere, so three and a half out of of five stars from me...

thursday night we played softball and it was the worst pitching i've done in weeks so i walked about four or five and hitters were hitting and out hitters were not hitting so we could not overcome the errors people made, though i tied the game up 12-12 in the sixth inning with a two run double (so i am 5 for 6 and 2 walks and a sacrifice fly in the last two games in that league), but an error in the next inning gave them several more runs and we lost 16-13... it was the most runs we gave up, mostly because i was not making their hitters hit poorly by pitching well... bummer, so we now ar 2-2 and in third place out of six teams... if we won we'd have been tied for second... i think it's a 12 game season, so we've just gotta play better...

friday we did an all night walk-a-thon for the american cancer society and thankfully one of the people i enjoy talking to showed up and we decided to be walking partners and i think i mentioned this in a previous post... it went from 5pm to 8am...

saturday i napped a couple of hours and met a new group at a picnic and as it happens with new meetup groups, i knew half of the people who showed up from other meetup groups... the organizer who threw me out was there and she didn't look pleased that all the members of her group were talking and playing with me (we played sand volleball, she sat and watched while her dog sniffed in everybody's bags and begged for everybody's food)... as usual, people asked why i am not in the group anymore and i explained, which couldn't have been very comfortable for her even as she feigned ignoring...

after the picnic was a game night with another group (and my walk-a-thon partner showed up along with a lot of other game-friends) and we had fun until the place closed (we were trying a public place that has space for game players and they sell games and cards and stuff, instead of someone's house)and afterward we went to the Ale House for dinner cuz we didn't eat before (cuz at least two of us napped, but i'm not sure about the others reasons)...

and sunday was another softball game, the last game of the season for the sunday league... this is the team of players who may never have played before and have no fundamental ball skills at all and we lost our first seven or eight games... our last game was against the team we beat and we needed to beat them today to tie them so we'd finish ahead of them technically cuz we'd have beaten them twice... the good news is i was pitching one of my best games, struck out several and walked only one... the bad news is the fielding and throwing behind me, so after i struck out the first two batters, four runs were scored on multiple errors (no hits, technically)... i really ought to keep track of the stats since i love playing with numbers...

anyway, we came back and it was tied by the fourth and we took a 6-4 lead by the fifth (as i said, i was pitching one of my best games and was able to make batters hit poorly so we were holding them)... a long fly over the outfielder's head (he was playing way too shallow and we told him, but he wouldn't take direction from me or the coach) tied the game at 6-6... we scored a run in the next inning and held them scoreless to win 7-6, so we finished the season out of the cellar in spite of our lack of fundamental softball knowledge and poor skills catching and throwing the ball... they are improving, but some are still missing fundamentals and not taking direction/instruction too well...

after the game there was a party for the league at a local club biut i stayed to watch another game in another division because the coach of that team was also our coach and they were in second place and playing the first place team and if they won it would force a playoff... they won and then won the playoff game so they won the championship of their division... the even more special thing was they were almost late (which would have been a forfeit) because earlier in the day they played in the championship game at a Disney sponsored tournament (19 teams from around the country) and won that, then drove like crazy to get to the game in our league...

i went to golden corral for food afterward because i was tired, did not want to cook, and it was sort of on the way home... and then, it's now... and now, here we are... Rasputin just went out to Steak 'n Shake and brought me home a chocolate shake with extra hot fudge... i won't imagine how much weight i gained this week, in spite of the activities...

still hoping that good healthy influence comes into my life and cares enough to want to try to change my habits cuz that would be a big help, but then, i know i can do it all by myself (don't wanna be, aye?) and i'm just being lazy and self-indulgent and want a cheerleader partner inspiration muse and oh well, i am having fun being decadent and social and this is the american way and life among the humans, so when on earth, do as the earthlings, ya know?...

and now you are caught up, at least for the past week... besides working every day, which is a whole 'nother list of activities and events, but i really ought to consider sl;eeping now, again)... thanks for being here and caring...

so what's going on in your world? :)

no rainy days or mondays

and not feeling low or down, but giving you the low down and talking to myself because at this moment i am the only one here but isn't that what blogging is about, imagining you will be here eventually to read and so on...

and since i am walking into walls cuz i walked miles and miles and miles and miles (and still can see, though wobbly funny happy too), i come here to say i can possibly get three hours sleep before the next meetup if i am fast to sleep right now and the night marathon walk-a-thon charity shin-dig was weirdly fun because of the people there sharing the walk (and on an offline note, in case you offliners ever start reading this, thank you to my unplanned partner and potentially profound muse for making the long relatively pointless in some ways night much more fun than it might have been walking alone... and for making all the other guys jealous as they watched you walking around... ego appreciates the attention... and thank you teammates who are now closer to friends than before) and the conversation and the laughs...

eating, snacking, talking, walking, laughing pondering, and sharing a happy understanding and passing the night together, that's the kind of nights i miss the most and finally came close to one tonight...

so it's morning, it was a great night in most ways, we walked a whole lot and the body feels wonderful for the moment, and after finally driving home, i had six heavy trips to make from the car, a hundred feet and then up a flight of stairs, to get the soda and pastries i bought that were not sold or consumed out of the sun and into the apartment... as if i didn't walk enough, eh?...

so there you have the up-to-the-minute update in RealTime™ that you were used to up until the disengagement that suddenly popped into this year... cuz i do miss you and love you and appreciate you being here and wanting to know...

a few hours sleep now, then off to another meetup (the wonderful meetup of today :)

g'nite :)

today is a holiday

(just ask the BeeGees)...

but I am burnt out big time, beyond zombie - too much fun, food, friendly people, forgetting to sleep, almost all the f-words... so i am cheating and using this comment you inspired to create an entry here cuz i am fizzing between the ears...

this is the earliest i've been home all week, it's almost midnight...

no wonder i pitched mediocrely (is that a word?) tonight... well, word or not, i definitely pitched like that... the ump didn't help, he was one of the most inconsistent umps we've seen... and there was a distinct bias in the calls, especially when right after we turned a double play, one ump said she called a time-out that nobody heard and the home plate ump went along with her even though he didn't hear any time out call either... we still played mediocrely though, me included...

i may get an hour sleep this weekend, maybe a few hours sometime Sunday morning...

this is about the time i am singing Elton John's songs... somebody save me from myself (the kid in me is on a role, hopefully the body will be able to keep up with him (wishing someone save my life tonight by actually connecting eye to eye... and the hopeful fool i am sings Carpenter songs believing it may still happen... and still i fall asleep the Honesty cuz it's all i need :)

I need a mommy who won't drive me crazy :)

nobody understands me
i've got to face this fact
everybody just watches
they don't know how to react
some people think i'm crazy
i probably scare a few
but i can only be myself
and that's all i ask of you

nobody really gets me
i've got to face the truth
the TV blares in the background
the children sell their youth
and everybody's a zombie
they don't know they have died
and i just will not fit in
no matter how hard i've tried

i guess my heart wasn't in it
fast food junking's not for me
or watching other people pretending
to live life on TV
i'm living life non-stop now
to face for most to see
and nobody wants to keep up
so i am still lonely
from crowd to crowd
still lonely

but i'm sharing more than anyone i meet
and doing more than anyone i know
and my doors are still wide open
does that scare everyone away?
I see everyone under cover
hiding from the public view
so i sit here alone writing
all these words to you

yeah, fun fun fun... and the irony is i am enjoying it, even though it's superficial and relatively meaningless as there are no lasting connections or truly life-changing meaningful conversations (ah, but that is just my perspective because i am always in the position of being more happy and secure and comfortable and ready, willing, and able to share whatever anyone needs or asks for... and if i read this i'd wonder if the writer's perspective is not skewed by ego and laugh at my doubts as hope it is true... where is the love... the trust... the truth...

so why aren't there millions of people "getting me"... i mean, i am the most loving giving caring person i've ever met... i've got more energy and am happier and more energetic than anyone i've ever met... i should have a following, like not just fans, but loyal devoted worshipers, maybe even a few stalkers... i think i've gotten too good at being human, fat, flabby, and half-heartedly faking everything... so why should anybody see through that facade and connect, even if somebody could?... i appreciate you listening...

so tomorrow I've got to wake up a 7am to have my head examined...

no really, i am finally going to get my head examined... an MRI of the head... the ear doctor wants to make sure it's just shit in my ears causing the diminished hearing (left side only) and not something more serious... i mean, he didn't come right out and say brain tumor, but why not stir up even more drama than meetup or work or whatever ever could... unfortunately, only you few dear souls will read this, so chill, it is something i always wanted to do... have my head examined, that is... they probably will not take enough pictures to satisfy me, but it's a start... when i die, i want to die of something one step beyond an x-files episode with twilight zone music playing... something like a brain abnormality that gives me some ridiculous power and communicative ability so aliens will talk to me and humans will open their minds and gow in spite of themselves... maybe a fear dissolving mental beam... anyway, i go to the ear doctor to have the wax blown out of my ears and the next thing i know i'm having my head examined... dontcha just love the modern medical machine?... I wonder what they will find up there (and can i pass as human?)...

i hope my head doesn't explode, i have a very busy weekend :)