returning to the high

though that was hours ago and I've vegged with Precious in front of the TV and am zombified and ready for sleep, I am happy to report that I made it to the gym again tonight, the first two in a row (consecutive nights) in a couple of weeks... I seem to have lost interest in the Fitness program or recording the statistics, though they are mostly still in my phone notepad... my head is bobbling, so it's time to lay down... the high is still great though, peaceful and sweet :)

nite nite :)

speaking of listening

rapidly fading into the past, the previous entry was only up for a few minutes so if you just got here, you missed it... but don't feel bad, that's the wonder of the internet and the relativity of time here, cuz it's still there, in quasi-realtime, just below this entry... all that whining and pathos waiting to be heard...

and speaking of listening, listen to Ligion if you want to hear the current most played CD in my personal space... it's harder rock than, say, Death Cab for Cutie, but not quite heavy metal... maybe almost up there with 30 Seconds to Mars in tempo and sound, except maybe a bit more current-pop-rock, like Fall Out Boy or Say Anything, except different...

the music grabbed me first (and grabbed me well) cuz it's more melodic, more harmonies, and generally interesting (especially compared to most pop-rock groups out these days)... then the vocals jumped me and sucked me in (before the words even started to focus on the left side of my brain)... finally, enough of the words relate to me personally - where I've been, where I am, where I might be (and has that unique quality that Harry has to be appropriate for a pity party, a wake, or a rebirth, depending on perspective, which means it could be cathartic for me and that's a rare quality) - that the group lept right to the most played status and has been there for more than a week... that's a long time in my world...

from the first sounds and words of the first song to the final chorus of the final song, the CD talks to me... even more than Meg and Dia did in their first week on my personal charts, but then, they aren't quite as adorable and do nothing for libido, sigh and giggle and why doesn't anybody around me share these giggles... alas, it's been so long since...

but the memories are still alive and hopeful, which is much amazing... speaking of hopeful, returning to the online world tonight I discovered that Cali (yes, her again) painted a series of entries (starting with the one right after the memorial day one) that spoke to the little kid-romantic in me well enough to have me nodding and giggling in agreement like a bobble head... she's a really cool grown up...

meanwhile, at home... life is the same...

and at work, not the same... just yesterday we were all shocked to learn that our boss is leaving... she finally got smart and used her many skills and education (she's an ARNP as well as associate administrator for the facility, and wears several other hats as well) to land a really great job at the university medical department (which could be a stepping stone to med school for her, yay her)... we're all happy for her, but in shock cuz she's the only one in the place who really cares and has organizational skills and keeps everyone else from flipping out and is the glue that holds the place together (as much as she can as she is the chief clinical officer... the business office is falling apart at the moment and I'll probably be shifted into it as far as supervisor goes once she leaves) and we all expect the shit to hit the fan big time over the summer...

and the computer is acting up again and the IT person just seems to ignore people with computer problems... I've seen it many times with others... she can get away with it because nobody knows what anybody else is doing most of the time and nobody except my office-mate Jackson knows what I do... so I'll just send out emails explaining that the state reports will be late again this month due to computer problems and if the state agencies do their typical nothing, nobody cares... eventually it'll catch them offguard when an auditor shows up at just the wrong time and they'll try to point at me and I'll re-send them all the emails that explain the delays and ask for IT assistance and they'll have to look somewhere else for a scapegoat...

and they'll have to ponder questions like why the computers ordered last year sat in storage since they arrived in the summer of 2006 (and still they sit gathering dust while some people still use slow Windows 98 machines)... and why the new IT person they hired does not seem to know much about computers (which is one reason she tries to avoid me... she can't answer my questions) and only works part time... so goes the techie life in the backwoods of the great south... meanwhile, I'll continue slacking when the computer is down, sending out my emails explaining the delays, and collecting my checks...

and that's life these past two days...

amusing, but the jokes are getting old... I just may start bring in a book to read, which could be just what the doctor ordered (hey, that'll pun-ish them, aye?)... I hope it's been more amusing for you... and remember, the lemonade is sweeter if you don't let the lemons lay around feeling sorry for themselves for falling off the tree :)

yesterday, when I wasn't here

maybe I just have little to say... or maybe I am wondering if it matters if I say anything... or maybe I am tired of reaching out, of initiating, of searching, of sending out the messages in bottles and smiles and waves and so on... maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself and seeing the silence is a whole lot more than half full... infinite silence, a few small sounds in the distance, and nothing right here right now making any effort to get my attention, to care, to want me or anything...

or it could be all the pizza...

yes, three straight days of pigging out on pizza (with two straight days of chocolate binging thrown in) and almost forgetting what the gym looks like is the most likely cause of the lethergy of brain and listlessness of spirit and all that bluesy jazz...

good thing I found my way back to the gym tomorrow night (ah, the relativity of time and filling in entries after being away for two days, aye?)...

feeling poorly, I am, from the bloat and excessive sugar and fat and carbs and lack of exercise.. easy to feel physically depressed when suddenly shifting gears in the body and altering the chemical flow so dramatically... fatigue comes too easy from sitting around doing nothing... and the blues, the loneliness, the apathy rises as the energy level drops and hope nods off, drugged by the food and lack of exercise hormones...

so get back on the horse, the wise voice in my head says... and I grumble as I grin cuz it's the only voice consistently around in the RealTime world, but at least it is consistently around (even when I ignore it for extended periods)...

may you find your voice too (and listen :)

in the meantime, here's a comment I left inspired by Deepok Chakra (named changed not to protect the innocent, but cuz I am not remembering how to spell it at the moment and this suits me just fine), V for Vendetta, Ligion, pizza, chocolate, and the general environment and influences around me... just cuz don't want only one of you to see it :)

I am the boredom of repeating the obvious...

I usually avoid Deepok because I do not want to seem disrespectful and I tend to find him boring and redundant... I mean, if you say you are everything and everything is everything and all is one and truly believe that, then what's the point of saying you are this and that and a hundred other things as if you think we didn't understand that you are everything and everything is everything and all is one?... seems condescending, or at least wastefully redundant...

my advice to Deepok: enjoy everything and stop talking about it :)

ah, of course, if I was paid to be that repetitive, I'd be just as boring cuz, after all, one's gotta pay the bills and what better way to pay the bills than to say the same thing over and over, on tape no less (smartass strikes again)...

I much prefer the Floyd :)

and Natalie Portman and Ligion (a band), that's where I've been this weekend... delicious fantasies and new music and happy as a clam in my shell of a brain... and pizza and chocolate...

I'm going back to listen to the wind now :)

and Happy Birthday Tom, wherever you are...

nite nite :)

dull

blah blah blah (sometimes life is like that... if you want some possibly worthwhile thought, see the entry before this)...

no gym, artificial energy from a typical American diet (pizza and pepsi) and the world still spins around, but it's a dull spin for me... reassuring that this old habit does not have much appeal for me anymore, but hanging with the roommies all weekend, it was when in Rome, so to speak... I did resist following, however, and went my way (cuz if I'm gonna eat crap, I'm gonna eat the crap I want and not just any crap, ya know? :)

maybe I'll get back to the progress and stop this wishy washy maintenance period this week, we shall see... at least I am maintaining and not regressing, which is why the smile remains even if the patience wears a bit thin (I'm used to me trying my own patience cuz I know I am an incorrigibly rebelious child and rather oppositional and defiant at heart, even as I snicker at myself about it...

any wonder why I deal with the constant loneliness most of the time?... living in my head is like living with a whole crowd of people, or at least a few...

so yesterday we went to see Pirates, the third... it was fun... and I ad two thirds of a large popcorn and ten mini Nestle's Crunch bars and two Kit Kats... yup, that was lunch... Precious and Rasputin had Chipotle's... for dinner, I had DiGiorno pizza with extra cheese... and I decided to wander around by myself cuz I don't know anybody else bouncing around like I do these days... ironically, Raspy repeatedly says he wants to get out more on weekends and all week and both weekends the last two weeks I've been suggesting stuff to do, especially the Fringe Festival, but the TV and naps continue to be his habit... and the dirty dishes from last week remain in the sink... I suppose I'll start going out more again when I start going out by myself again, but I'm not always in the mood to go out by myself... and I still need to do laundry (still smirking at that fact)...

so anyway, that's life in RealTime™ and while it may seem boring outside my head, you should see the party the peanut gallery is throwing... any day now (or eventually) I'll find time (and motivation) to update btc and the words will rush out to flood the ol' babblehouse and you'll see what's been going on behind the eyes, or candoor, for that matter...

I wish you peace :)

Memorial Day and other thoughts

recently I wandered myspace (as I do a lot lately) and was inspired to think about the news out there in the world I don't feel part of much and I wrote this bit as a comment to Cali, so I pop it in here for you to read so you don't feel like I just skipped a day (I mean, in case you don't read my myspace blog and follow me around to all my myspace comments, ya know? :)

I find no interest or enthusiasm for the generally accepted human concepts of war and fighting for honor and glory and national pride as it exists in this world... perhaps that is because I know that behind the flag waving and noble facade, seeing that it essentially stems from greed and a desire for power over people and wealth and ownership of property... perhaps people truly want to believe in the ideals...

perhaps that, the ideals, are what they think of as they cheer the supposed victories and rally in frenzied crowds against some far off enemy that they are told threatens their way of life... but as I see it, too often - what it all comes down to is macho posturing, guilt trips, peer pressure, and the few in power using ignorance and fear to manipulate and oppress all of us...

I respect the memorial to those who died for something they did not understand...

I do not respect the ignorance they chose that lead them to their deaths... the same ignorance that would condemn anyone for standing up on this holiday and suggesting that the soldiers are wrong for choosing to follow orders that are inhumane and corrupt... the same ignorance that would turn violent against anyone marching for peace or putting a flower in the barrel of a gun... the same ignorance that shot and killed American students standing on the campus of their university right here in the land of the free...

I cringe at the sound of Sousa... I shudder at the vision of parades... I shed a tear hearing the words bombs bursting in air and joyous cheering in the same breaths... perhaps it is because I am all too aware of how close to the lynch mob mentality we still are as a species... how blind faith and outrageous ignorance still guides most of our lives and decisions in this world...

I believe you understand what I mean and I do not take exception with your words today... I may be viewed as disrespectful, perhaps wringing some rain from the clouds on the parades passing by... but you inspired me inspired to think and to feel about this holiday... you inspire me to write some words to humanity...

most years I remain silent, perhaps practicing the same foolish game that is so acceptable in our culture, keeping my head in the sand and not saying or writing what I feel... practicing the same bling faith and outrageous ignorance I so easily condemn right now...

I am the fool too...

but if there is truly hope for our species, then I must believe that every one of us can wake from our numb stupors, rise from the deaf, dumb, and blind games we play daily, and stand up for what we truly believe in... not for some piece of cloth that represents some abstract ideas we fail to understand or live up to... not for some holy words or treatise claiming ownership or righteousness for one while condemning all others... not for some hypocritical leadership that would spill our blood to further their own greed... but when we stand up for what we know is right in our hearts...

for peace... for love... for kindness...

if ten men throw stones at me from the other side of the river, I will not condemn all those who live on the other side of the river...

I will stand up and work to change what is truly threatening freedom and peace in this world... the ignorance right here at home is the biggest threat... the fear and those who would use fear against us, that is the greatest threat...

I think of how much we could change our educational system in America by pouring a billion dollars a day into our children's schools and community centers...

I think of how much we could defend and preserve our freedoms and integrity by pouring a billion dollars a day into industry that enhances our environment and returns wealth to our land and lives...

I think of how much we could improve the security of the American family by pouring a billion dollars a day into rebuilding homes and hospitals in American cities and towns...

I think of how much we can demonstrate to the world the real power and glory of love and freedom by actually living it, doing it in our daily lives as individuals and as a unified people...

instead, while our cities continue to crumble, our educational systems continue to deteriorate, our industry continues to destroy the planet, our communities and families continue to dissolve, and people continue to feel more alienated and abandoned and helpless and afraid, we pour billions of dollars a day into bullets and bombs and companies supposedly rebuilding a country ten thousand miles away, and for what?... to teach them a lesson?... to save them from themselves?... to protect our way of life?...

where are those billions of dollars a day really going?...

can we see the receipts?...

...

we are told to come together to remember those who have died fighting to protect us... and we do, for those who died deserve to be remembered... their lives matter, even if they died in vain for lies... even if they died for corrupt systems run by detached old men... we hope they believed they died for a dream and those who died for a dream matter more than we know, perhaps more than we deserve for the little we sacrifice or support them, really...

so I hold my head up today and celebrate the dream and memorialize their lives not for the flags or parades or speeches or political power plays that usually dominate the memorial holidays... I celebrate their lives and the dream because we are still sleeping and not living it... I celebrate the dream because it is worth dying for, but more, because it is worth living for...

I celebrate the freedom to say this to you today... to tell you that I have a dream and hope that no bullets can stop it, no ignorance can weaken it, no lies can change it, and no fear can hold it down forever...

I celebrate the hope that you will wake with me and start living the dream...

and for all those who died in wars, whether fighting for truths or lies, whether marching for victory or peace, whether feeling or preaching hate or love, whether with heads in the sand or in the clouds, so that their deaths are not in vain, so that their lives would be truly memorialized - I hold their memories up like candles in the wind to light the darkness and hope they and you and all who knew them find and create peace and love in this world...

desperately seeking amusement

and creativity... and energy... outside of my own head, that is... I am buzzing again tonight... and not even a gym trip to get me here, though I did add chocolate and Macaroni Grill to the mix for the first time in ... months?... wow, what a different some fat and drugs make...

actually, I was dragging and ropping after eating out and consuming an entire bar of a new Lindt chocolate truffle cake thing I bought at 7-11 for $2.99 cuz the mood was depressed cuz nobody would stay awake with me and it was way too early and Saturday night and the prelude to Gesethemene was starting to brew in my head, but a bit of moaning and moping around the internet, particularly a couple of local myspace groups, and then some music (finally turned the TV off, YAY!), a collection called Saddle Creek 50 that included Rilo Kiley, Mayday Parade, Cursive, Bright Eyes, and several other bands followed by Ligion seems to have perked me up but good...

imagining actually finding creative awake alive friends helped inspire me to send some messages to complete strangers with the hope that my words might tickle their fancies enough to inspire them to respond and adore me, or at least respond and amuse me, and then Ligion's beat started sneaking under my skin and I found myself bopping in this chair and I just had to come here and mention it in passing to you cuz I wanted to remember it and let you know...

more later, perhaps, but for now, I hope you're having as much fun doing whatever you are doing as I am all by myself, or more, even :)

all through the night

spent most of the evening (and night, as the sun rises now) watching TV and wandering around myspace and nodding off... the idealistic heart rhymed over there too... so the last five posts there stretch from one side of the head to the other... finished one stage of one of the end of month projects at work today... ate at the local Chinese buffet, so the crash down continues to be put off, but stability continues and we shall see if and some progress continues this weekend... wisah you were here... wish anybody who wanted to go out and explore the fun was here...

gonna sleep now :)

so much better

everything is that is... that is, everything is so much better in this physical world when I step up to the physical intensity of movement and activity and feel the blood flow and turn on the hormones and experience life at higher energy levels... and ultimately, I'm still merely crawling...

but crawling is better for me than doing nothing, for I have learned in this life in this body that feeling the experience of living in this physical world for awareness and focus in the stillness depends upon energy level... and for me, it is after peak physical experiences (and the hormonal releases that come) that stasis or baseline energy level can be more in tune and open to anything... having peaked in high gear, I can be most still, calm, and at peace in this body...

so I experience the relatively slow and seemingly improbable process of rising to the peaks once again as I step back into the gym tonight... and your comments and the TV and the gym lead me to this next thought...

girls girls girls...

is that Van Halen?... once kissed twice shy?... no wait, that's once burned twice shy {babe}, Slayer... and girls girls girls is Motley Crue, I believe... VH1 on TV celebrating ZZ Top, Heart, Genesis, and Ozzy (yes, the Osborne of Black Sabbath) has me thinking deep into my musical memories)...

as I look at the Wilson sisters trying to rock like they used to, trying to overlook the way Ann abused her body again, though it is evident in the intensity (or lack thereof), pauses, and straining in the vocals (especially after Gretchen wilson, in tribute, did barracuda rathe well immediately before they went on) I was saddened and amused and disgusted that she'd want to go crazy on you on anybody when she's neglecting herself so much, alas, I recall that in storage, I have an original promo copy of the vinyl Dreamboat Annie LP... picked it up for $2 in 1976 at a place called Interesting Records on 23rd St in NYC...

and then I revisit the memories of having a signed copy too (and a bunch of others by 60's and 70's artists), but the signed stuff was stolen along the way in my travels... between that stuff and the comic books and baseball cards, alas, I could be luxuriously retired these days if I wasn't so casually existential about material stuff, but that's yet another lament I shall not induldge tonight as I am flying above the drag of my own self-pity after very reasonable progress at the gym tonight) and wish I was surrounded by others who appreciated such memories in the daily world...

meanwhile, returning to the gym again tonight I am starting to feel a little closer to physical reality in this body and coming to a more visceral actualized realization that I am still cruising around in low gear (hence, the crawling reference earlier) and carrying around at least 20 pounds more than what really starts to feel good for me in this body... I might have shifted into 2nd gear tonight, but just barely and briefly... I am realizing with greater clarity that I was, just three months ago, thirty pounds heavier than I am right now and pretending it was ok to walk around daily life like that... clarity is good, even if it's clarifying something rather foolish or unpleasant...

maybe I'm amazed :)

in any case, I am balancing desire for more active social interaction with the realization that I want to wait until I can attract and interact with others at a much higher energy level than I am experiencing at the moment (and these days), to I must remember my loneliness (that is growing daily and therein putting me in a much more vulnerable state, daily) is my choice and can not be empowered as if it is something to fix or change... so I must remember the songs that remind me and reinforce what I can use most right now besides more time, and that is patience (Guns and Roses comes to mind first and I'll consider checking out these other unknown random songs too maybe)...

or I could just write one myself...

but not here...

or now...

nite

nite

:)

on again, off again

a night of rest, perhaps giving into laziness or simply watching American Idol and then talking to Precious for all the time I might have spent at the gym, until it closed... or perhaps trying the workout day rest day approach to continuing improving the body and dropping the weight... and perhaps we shall see more tomorrow...

in any case, all's the same at home and work (still haven't gotten back to my job yet, but others seem pleased with the extra I am doing for the place, even if they do not care enough or know enough to appreciate and fully acknowledge the mess there'd be if I did my job and didn't fix other's mistakes...

today, time moved slowly... feeling lonely... still the happiest kid I know cuz that's always been the most fun choice I know... and it is a choice (and that's the secret so few seem to know)... hope you are choosing what you want too :)

suddenly buzzing

it's all about the hormones... the chemicals do it all... and yes, it is mind over matter, but the chemicals control the mind as mich as the mind controls the production and release of the chemicals... just ask any advanced alien species about it...

after the longest break from the gym since starting up again on March 3rd, I aimlessly wandered over there again tonight telling myself at least walk to the gym and do a little something-something so I don't continue the pattern of laziness that leads to lethargy... I am happy to report and record that I did listen to myself, partly, and even happier to hear that it was only partly... I kicked up the pace on the eliptic machine for a full sixty minutes, setting some new personal bests for this year, and feeling good tired after the workout.. better tired than I usually do... the first mile in under 7 minutes (6:45) at level 8 set the tone and while I didn't keep that up for long (2 miles in 14:23, 3 miles in 21:41, 4 miles in 28:48, 5 miles in 36:43, 6 miles in 46:11, 7 miles in 53:58, and 7.73 miles in 60 minutes... I dropped to level 6 after 20 minutes, but still clocked 706 calories burned in the hour and see and feel the improvement continuing)...

home is the same, except much cleaner than usual, though I doubt that'll last long... work is odd, as usual... they went outside to hire a new business office manager, never posting the job internally, and she seems lost... the past two days I spent two hours fixing her mistakes and hopefully have her assistant up to speed on how to do the part of her job I did the past two mornings... I spent the afternoons building queries, reports, and spreadhseets so I can do her job a whole lot easier and faster because my job and many others depend on the information that the business office is supposed to provide every morning and I needed to develop a system to confirm the accuracy of the info or a whole lot more work (and errors that could hit us hard come audit times) would occur... besides thanks, by the end of the day, the administrator (who is my direct supervisor) said she'll be checking with me every morning before she signs off on the Census report she gets from the business office... I spend most of my time at this job developing data flow systems and doing things that are not actually my job, but it keeps me interested and challenged...

tomorrow, maybe I'll get back to my work :)

the body feels great, mostly... just salad a a bit of cheese and egg the past two days... weight remains constant in spite of no gym and relatively normal eating for a week... the urine flows clean, visually, and I haven't heard anything from the Urologist so I suppose the tests were ok... I made more appointments for ultrasounds and let the modern medicine continue, but focus more on taking care of me inside cuz I think that matters more... still haven't done laundry... I should be able to make it through the week without recycling anything... and I am rocking listening to Kate Voegele and think everybody should, this, based on listening casually to just two songs... haven't paid attention to the words yet, this is just instinct... the z0tl would be proud...

for now, I'm heading back to buzz around aimlessly cuz it's fun and I like to have fun at night... hope you are finding and creating fun too :)

afterthoughts

in the 1970's people were recording TV shows at home with ease... I have video tapes of many shows (in storage) to prove this... so why did I try to watch four different shows between 9pm and 10pm?... with a dying remote, no less?... alas, the poverty of frugality is ridiculous sometimes (but good for a laugh)...

now I'll be looking to watch those shows in reruns so I can see what I missed and actually experience the stories that might be contained within :)

no gym again, mostly rested...

hope your Monday was good :)

vegetable Sunday

yup, all the old habits... out to lunch at Amigo's (Mexican) with Rasputin and Precious, spending more money, eating more starches and fats, coming home to sit in front of the TV all day and evening and night... no laundry, no cleaning, no gym, no activity, no creativity, no interactions, just vegetating... not even getting any extra sleep... boring, unhealthy, and less fun than ever... this is good :)

no plans, all juggling

sleeping past noon felt good... but then, after a bit of wandering on the web and writing, I spent most of the afternoon waiting for Rasputin to get motivated to get ready to go out because there were a ton of things to do today and I wanted to do all of them, or at least visit all of them, but the way it looks we'll get to none on time...

yesterday we went to Precious's graduation ceremony... we got there late because Rasputin's brother showed up unexpectedly and we had to call around to try to get an extra ticket at the last minute... unfortunately, almost everyone who might have had tickets, including school staff, were already at the ceremony... we got lucky and Precious's best friend was able to find his co-star from Aida who was good enough to come out of the arena to give us an extra ticket... by the time we got in there, were were in the nosebleed seats and couldn't make out faces on the arena floor, but eventually we found Precious and her friends cuz they were wearing the special garnet IB sash and stood out from all the normal gold sashes and watched her get her diploma, summa cum laude and all...

after that we waited in the parking lot for an hour until it cleared out because the campus parking lot sucks and it takes an hour to get out if you arrive late and have to park on the third level... all the restaurants were booked for two hours, so we ended up going went to dinner at a place about twenty minutes away with Raspy's mom and brother... Precious went to after-graduation parties...

on the way home we met Precious for dessert at Jeremiah's, a place that serves ice cream and italian ices... yum... and then it was home and I rambled a bit (you may have noticed) here and at myspace...

I passed up on the festivals Thursday and Friday cuz Precious's graduation came first, but had hoped to get to them today... unfortunately, we didn't get out of the house until almost 4pm... so we went to eat at the Grand Buffet instead... indulging my taste buds and comforting my lack of socializing and exercising and creative sharings with food... and it wasn't even as good as it usualy was... dangit, where's the lemonade :)

we ended up at the downtown free concert and saw The Romantics and Loverboy, two bands you might remember if you were into eighties music... fun, though tame crowd... I;m not sure what was happening at the other festival venues, Rasputin was getting a sore back from standing in one place too long and Precious was home hungry so we headed home and picked up a pizza for Precious and here I am...

ironically, some might think I had a busy weekend already... the ironic part, I think, is that I think I missed a whole lot of potential fun and creative play and energy inspiring stuff and crave more, more, more... Orlando doesn't stay up too late though, so heading out after midnight is only fruitful if going to a place to drink is the goal...

meanwhile, my code in da node is still dripping and causing some caoughing and sneezing and while going to the bathroom at the Grand Buffet, I passed a kidney stone that hurt (first one that hurt in a couple of months) and caused bleeding, so I now have blood in da urine again and with a code in da node can expect a UTI, so I took some antibiotics and will get a prescription filled and bring a urine sample to the Urologist like a good boy cuz that's what he told me to do if this happens...

V for Vendetta is on TV tonight, so maybe there's some lemonade, aye?... all kidding and irreverence aside, I hope I am in this mood when I actually die because I am so loving the diverse experiences (and pains) this body is providing and still amused by the dull drone of monotony and lethargy of the life energy around me... never felt more like an alien in this world, stranger in a strange land and all, a traveller observing and experiencing the human experience and not yet bored (or maybe just finally learning how to amuse myself with the boredom)...

it's only a matter of time before my nose bleeds...

I don't know if I'll drag myself out of what I feel are sluggish activity levels tomorrow or if I'll just give in cuz logic would suggest that the kidneys and immune system and node would benefit from some rest and there are probably basketball playoffs to distract me and I really really really must do laundry and get back to the gym, but we shall see since there are no plans, only juggling...

inappropriate new cliche of the day:

I'm having so much fun, I'm pissin' blood :)

one man's pretentiousness may be another's bliss

or precocious, even (and I giggle like a school girl at the thoughts that might be going through our heads)... I am reproducing (cheating) a comment I was just inspired to write for Serenity (cuz I just feel so unbelievably serene, ya know) and calling it this entry here (and maybe elsewhere too cuz I am just so full of myself tonight... maybe it's the graduation ceremony.. pomp and circumstance and all), but first I must suggest that the colliding galaxies reminded me of a cell dividing as the duality and dichotomy and reciprocal nature of life, the universe, and everything (or at least my perspective at the moment) seemed to be clear as squeaky clean glass to my eyes... and Z0tl loves to hate (or hates to love) these moments of innocuous epiphany, enigmatic revelation, or perhaps merely egocentric self-indulgence that I occasionally spill out on to an unsuspecting world like a lunatic child pissing geometric shapes in the snow... ...

I presume so much, aye? :)

but it is... IS!

I am one of the first ten million bloggers at blogspot... I am also one of the first ten million bloggers at myspace... this information has nothing whatsoever to do with the rest of this entry, except that it IS too...

there are moments when life is fun for no apparent reason and it is these moments that are the most fun I've known in this life... they come and go at anytime and seem independent of everything... as if some drug or spirit or whatever explanation or metaphor entered my being/body and burst into pure bliss...

anyway, this is the part where I kinda cheat:

I am not sure if it is for better or worse for me (though I think it is for better), but I am finding it more and more challenging to relate to the struggles and finding it easier and easier to enjoy everything and I wonder, is it just a matter of focus, of perspective, of choosing an illusion and making it a reality and letting go... is it just being and not analyzing, is it actually embracing life and death and everything with unconditional love and trusting myself to make the most of it, to appreciate it, to splash in the half-full glass and enjoy it... it seems to me that all I did different is choose, but is it merely choice, can it be so simple?...

and I laugh cuz it doesn't matter, the answers could be yes, no, maybe, or anything, it doesn't matter... all that matters is it works for me, it's happening...

happiness...

I wish everyone felt it as I do, or better, cuz I feel like a bobble head philosopher, that is, my head is not empty and my bliss is not ignorant, it's just bee-bopping along to the rhythms of my heartbeats, swooshing along to the flow of the blood through this body's tubes, giggling at the sniffles and tickled by the drip drip drip of my runny nose, curious about the lump in my abdomen attached to my kidney, and the big stone, and all the little stones... the lump and the stones, ought to be a band name...

being alive and experiencing the sensations... it may be that Hollywood attempted to put a similar experience/perspective on film as Nicolas Cage took that leap of faith in City of Angels... and some think I love that film purely cuz Meg Ryan is in it (just cuz I gush? :)

one...

every day I feel closer to the infant I was when I came into this world, except I have memories and experiences and much more stuff to play with in my head and in life...

I wish you the same and more :)

I so do not want to come off like I am sticking my tongue out or naa-naa-ing anybody cuz I am not, but the exuberance I feel may seem over the top for some, or maybe kinda like Alanis Morrisette poking Jay's nose at the end of Dogma... for those who will not believe such unconditional pleasure can be attained in this life without some explanation or assistance, there may be no way to relate to it...

they can always change their mind though...

code in da node

enough to keep me cuddled up under the covers napping instead of going to the gym... too much caffeine and sugar and other stuff this week, not enough exercise and most of all, sharing food with roommates... Rasputin's relatively constant uncovered coughing and sneezing and farting finally found it's way through my defenses... and probably work germs and maybe doctor's office germs too... oh well, let my guard down a moment and yucky code in da node...

gonna nap more now... nite nite :)

yeah, kick it

65 minutes on the eliptical machine, the Lifefitness 9100xi, the Lifecycle, as I call it... approximately 7.65mph (8.15 total miles)... 775 calories burned according to the machine... still had more energy to continue, but stopped because the bowels were ready to burst due to the bloat (and there goes the bloat... imagine graphic colorizations at your own risk)... weight remains the same as last week, which is excellent after a week away from the gym and eating relatively normally, including a few desserts and sweet drinks, pizzas and pastas and other starches... but let's not get too optimistic (or over-confident) now, aye? :)

slight scratchiness at the back of the throat...

and sniffles...

and now, as I listen to the end of the Suns-Spurs game, I wander back to myspace where words have flowed into rhymes of late (fan mail from flounders?... or perhaps messages from the distant extremes of my psyche) and hope springs eternal for humankind and my dreams of finding that one who may be the one who shall change everything...

or something like that :)

oh no, not the bloat again!

yes, it is... I ate a large lunch of chicken strips and sala and could have skipped or eaten a very light dinner and been just fine, but somehow found myself paying for and eating a lot of pizza when I found Rasputin awake and hungry when I got home (and I forgot my salad at work)... add to that the fact that I have not been to the gym in a week (though two nights at concerts were as much of a workout as I get at the gym) and oh well, I might not meet the weight goal I plugged into the fitness program for the 19th... heck, I haven't even opened the fitness program in a week...

so is the chain of days tracking food and exercise and fitness broken?... very possibly... what that means will be seen in the next week or few... if I get back to the gym and continue, it means nothing more than the data is no longer complete... but the record is meaningless, the results are what matter, so it's exciting for me to see whether I shall slide backwards or continue improving the physical conditions in this life...

meanwhile, I have a 6 centimeter cyst on my left kidney...

special, huh?... maybe that's why I caved in for the pizza tonight... self-pity works in mysterious ways... even while I'm amused and feeling good... anyway, the Urologist says more than 50% of men get this sort of cyst on kidneys and it's meaningless, means nothing, does not effect kidney function, doesn't hurt, and is nothing to fret over... why it's taken so long to get someone to notice such a big thing is a sign that my main doctor is not listening to me (because my concern since day one has been are my kidneys ok? and it took me insisting on kidney tests and going to a third doctor to find out there's this benign anamoly)... I also most likely have a rather large kidney stone... it's the kind that does not show up will on an xray and I'd be getting a cat scan, except cat scans can inhibit kidney function and the creatine levels contraindicate a cat scan at the moment (even though they may have been caused by diet and exercise and not diminished kidney function)...

so I'm still following up with the nephrologist (kidney specialist) in early June and I've got to make a new appointment for an ultrasound and life goes on and this entry might just be what I needed to get me to the gym tonight...

definitely starting to feel the first signs of lethargy for the first time in many weeks (and this sort of self-focused writing, as usual, clarifies my senses and perspective)... the lonelies are powerful as I emerge from the floaty spacing out of the past week (but living the life is so much fun... these are the moments that glow and only I know... if only they were shared, aye? :}

this blog recently passed the one year mark...

and the wonder of it all is still the fact that I love it and enjoy every moment, even when I forget I am enjoying it, even when I forget who I am, even when I forget that life is what happens while we're busy making other plans :)

so I'll check out American Idol and then head to the gym and hope you find your way through your puddles and mine fields and bumps and bruises and ups and downs and floaty spacey times to come out smiling and amused by every moment, even the ones you don't exactly remember...

nite nite :)

good charlotte, charlie brown

so there I was listening to Charlotte Gainsbourg and feel wonderfully assimilated by the Bourg, while wandering myspace and visiting one of my favorite writers there (cuz she breathes sunshine and roses) and I was once again reminded of why I love to browse the web, to find thoughts like this...

which leads to the depths of haunting memories of Toronto as we come back around to the music as Charlotte's father is Serge Gainsbourg, who was one of the musical influences loaned to me by those days and people of Toronto (though, ironically and most Telling, after all, I still found more to relate to in the brief encounter with the Dawn and the words and music of The Waterboys and that's how found my smile this time :)

a lazy week passes, almost a full week without the gym or the scales or the extra water flow or the strict dietary guidelines or even babbling much... so much excitement bubbling up with nowhere to go but flow outward into the space around me and the ether beyond... and even if nobody ever knew, it's so beautiful to experience... shine on you crazy diamonds...

cuz dreams last for so long, ya know...

I hope yours do too :)

Sunday the party continued

and this brings us to today, sort of... it's almost 4am Monday (and I am wide awake, alas and giggle and sigh), but this is the Sunday entry, as usual... after roaming and writing over at myspace well past sunrise, I slept about five hours and then started yet another no-gym, normal diet day...

Precious and I headed out to St. Pete (about a two hour drive... we listened to Jeckyll and Hyde on the way there and Alanis Morrissette on the way home... reflective music well placed around the concert, just one more reason I love PRecious) for the concert (same line-up a Friday)... Dreamer and her boy didn't come as they spent Mother's day with their families... after a two hour drive, we ate pizza and got in line... an hour and a half before the gates opened and the line already had a hundred people in it... time passed slowly, as it does while in line (don't let the physicists fool you, time is not as constant as they think) and finally we were allowed in, only to wait almost another hour for the first band to start...

it was worth it... the bands and sound system were better than Friday, in spite of it being outdoors, hot, humid, and being surrounded by smokers... Meg & Dia turned up their vocal mikes (I would like to think I might have had something to do with that as I did signal that to Dia and she smiled, but of course that might have just been my imagination and she might have been smiling for another reason, or perhaps even had gas... I still adore her, no matter what)... the crowd was not as wild, but still into the show, so much fun and energy burning and great music was shared...

we stopped for drinks on the way home and I drank a half gallon of Gatorade Rain, Cherry flavor, and had a smores candy... chocolate.. candy... bzzzzzzz... as if I wasn't wired enough from the music and concert and possible smile from Dia and getting an actual (not imaginary, that is) autographed CD and poster and ticket music and crowd surging and energy and fun fun fun wasn't enough, candy...

so I checked myspace and found more than 50 visits to my blog there, but no comments, which is so par for the course that I have come to expect it, even though it is still a bit of a puzzle... and then, here we are catching up on the last four days with entries about life in RealTime™ created especially just for you...

I suppose I should get some sleep before tomorrow as I do have to get back to those reports that were due May 1st (and get them done and out where they belong) so I can get started on the mid-month reports due on the 15th... but first, back to myspace for some wandering and random adding as I drift off to sleep...

thank you for missing me, that inspired me to catch up here and put a huge smile on my face... hope you enjoyed my rambling and sort-of brief catch up and even more, hope you enjoyed your weekend... and may this week be the best week of your life :)

Saturday indulged the lazy

of course resting was wise after the vigorous workout, excitement, and sleep deprivation of Friday, so I indulged the lazies on Saturday... waking late and watching sports on TV, NBA playoffs, while visiting my fantasy baseball teams for only the second time since I drafted them (so naturally, I'm not doing too well and shocked to be in 3rd place in one league) and once again, roaming around myspace...

there was one excursion out when PRecious asked for a ride to the mall... while there I checked my PO Box and splurged on Urban Flats, bringing enough home for Rasputin to eat too... I also browsed through Sports Authority for exercise machines and was disappointed to find machines costing $1000 that seemed flimsy and inadequate to me... they might serve someone who seeks a light workout or someone who is 100 pounds, but not me...

as the night crossed into Sunday I revisted myspace again finally taking a brake from my manic semi-random wandering and sending of the holy friend requests in order to catch up on responding to messages left for me there... what came out of that is yet another mini-introduction-type writing that will one day appear wherever it appears, btc and/or intros or both and/or elsewhere... since I neglected you here for days, here's the gist of the general part after specifically addressing why I sent the Add request and whatever odd thought the specific person inspired (naturally I start with a disclaimer):

I've never met a sense of humor I couldn't challenge and find that the only true friend is the friend who has to (and does) get past the possibility that everything I say might be true, or wrong, and even I might not ever know which is which (but the fun it trusting enough to join me in trying to figure me out)...

I intend no harm, honest, it's my only belief and promise and faith and truth and way I strive to always remain true to... I accept my imperfections, grudgingly, milking them for as much humor and education as I can get out of them... and I introduce myself spontaneously to strangers for no apparent reason, though we can always make up a reason if we want one...

I love words... and music... so I write a lot... and much of it rhymes... I feel like I am communicating best when I am in touch with the four year old in me (and writing so a four year old can understand what I am saying), though I enjoy playing with words (and therein, with reader's minds)... I love statements that leave us wondering if the writer was really serious, or statements that leave us in awe of the potential of the possibilities in the thought, or statements that just make us say DOH!... secretly, I want to enlighten and save the world by writing the perfect song that opens hearts and minds and replaces all fears with honest love before anybody can realize what's happening and come up with a rational or collective defence mechanism...

I'm still working on that last dream in my spare time :)

as my profile says, I like to wave hello to people on and offline cuz I never know when smiling at a stranger and wishing them well might bring a new friend into my world or simply bring a smile to someone else's world (I won't give up my idealism and hope for our human kind no matter what anyone might say :)

so Hi :)

and I hope you are finding a smile in your world today/tonight :)

and if you ever find your way to Orlando and want to share a coffee/tea/shake/water or walk through a park and a friendly conversation, welcome to my world :)

whatever you decide, may you find more smiles than frowns along your way :)

ric
407-325-1482
for more about me

PS... yes, I'm for real, not retarded, have all my senses, teeth, faculties, and can be serious upon request... honesty is my way, but it scares people and sometimes I like having people around, so I don't mind being viewed as innocuous, enigmatic, obscure, or even ridiculous if that helps put people at ease... friends see through the babbling and irreverence and find a friend... my blogs are spread out all over the net and can give you some idea of who I am (and what my life, imagination, heart, and mind are like) if you are into reading and don't want to just ask me questions directly (or want to verify my veracity :)

peace, love, and enjoy it all :)

ric

of course I've received no responses so far because I probably scared everyone off, as usual, but I'm happy being me and expressing myself... the night rolled into Sunday morning and I found myself writing yet another sermon (posted in the myspace blog) which is my own perculiar take on politics, religion, and, believe it or not, mother's day... at least that's what I'd label it at this particular time...

still no gym and if anything else happened Saturday, I forgot :)

Friday brings emergency

the plan was work, leave early to shower and pick up Precious and head to the concert... Meg & Dia, Manchester Orchestra, Saves the Day, and Say Anything... but we needed more excitement...

about an hour before I was to leave work, my phone rings and it's Rasputinb rather panicked about blood everywhere... visions of CSI and Quincy and every medical investigation show I've ever seen flashed through my brain... through gurgles, he expressed much concern about his nose... it was bleeding and wouldn't stop...

I rushed home and we sped over to the nearest walk-in clinic... Rasputin's nose was drying up by this time and he wasn't feeling faint or woozy or even queasy and had no pain or blurred vision or signs of stroke, so I wasn't concerned... I guessed it was just a bad nosebleed brought on my hard sneezing, coughing, and nose rubbing due to his being sick at least a week, excessive prolonged caffeine and Diet Pepsi, poor diet, lack of sleep, stress, lack of exercise, and maybe high blood pressure...

he's on an antibiotic for his cold and a diuretic for elevated blood pressure now with instructions to follow up with his doctor... unfortunately, he let his health insurance lapse for the month of May, trying to save money so he could pay for Precious's grduations expenses... timing is everything...

anyway, he was reassured that death was probably not emminent and felt comfortable going to bed, so we headed off to the concert a little late and unshowered, but relieved that we would not be part of a crime scene investigation or some mysterious search for an exotic diagnosis only Dr. House could find...

the concert was great, great music, great exercise, and great feeling... Meg & Dia need to get their vocal mikes turned up cuz their voices were drowned out, but otherwise, great show... theirt guitar riffs are are much fun and they remain adorable... and much talented... the other bands were excellent, including the opening band, Manchester Orchestra... Saves the Day and Say Anything churned up the crowd and the surfing was wild by the end of the show, giving me more exercise than I'd have gotten had I gotten to the gym, especially upper body work...

Dreamer and her new boy genius, let's call him Valec, joined us at the concert and after the concert we went for pizza and I had a slice and a large lemonade... sugared drinks, oooo, what a treat... and then, to myspace to dream of music and social life and finding friends and love and all that stuff that exploring a big online community inspires cuz I was way too wired to sleep in spite of a pleasantly exhausted body... I finally fell asleep sometime after sunrise...

Thursday brings normalcy

at the last minute Precious finds an extra ticket available for her Seniors awards dinner at a local hotel and invites me... I think I had originally said I wasn't going because of my chosen dietry restrictions, but I changed my mind... at the last minute, Rasputin decides he's not going because he's feeling poorly and needs sleep... more on that 'tomorrow'...

so we head to the fancy awards dinner and there's actual real food, including chocolate mousse deserts... I had delicious chicken and salmon and potatoes and veggies and more (no bread or sugared drink) and then... a slice of apple pie with whipped cream and two slices of chocolate mousse pie... dietary normalcy, I almost forget what it tasted like... yum...

and the awards ceremony following the dinner was fun, amusing roast by the kids and scholarships given and lots of applause... the social life of high school is so rarely repeated in life, and so very full of potential... getting home late and being distracted, I don't recall if I made it to the gym and I wandered myspace as I fell asleep cuz I had work and a concert planned for Friday...

same

returned to the gym for an hour on the machine (the machine was busy last night, so I swung free weights around for a little while and then I used the treadmill and realized I do need to add more different exercises to use other muscles groups), napped a couple of hours and then watched American Idol... Jordan is my favorite... caught up on entering data into the fitness program at home, started actually working on the report due May 1st at work, and came here...

mind is still elsewhere, maybe making some changes, maybe just drifting... wanting more sharing, more creative play, more physical interaction, more sensuality, more progress, more changes, more love... I like wanting more :)

hoping you are finding interesting, amusing, and worthwhile things to do in your world...

I am fine, how are you? :)

writing elsewhere again

just not feeling much interest in the RealTime™ I suppose... three days without the gym might be part of it, but then, maybe not... three days of normal eating too and didn't gain a pound, surprise... I think I am transitioning from the aerobic to the weight training, though the aerobic will not go away and remains my first love...

this thought just came to me, probably not randomly, in spite of appearances... I don't think I've ever been romanced... I am not sure I want to be, but then, how could I know if I've never experienced it... I do know that I am so ridiculously (or so I am told) picky about my intimate partners...

people say they care, but look at what they do...

I am starting to wonder if I really want to believe in a single soulmate for life... loneliness might be influencing that wondering, though I don't feel particularly lonely at the moment... I think I am starting to believe that I believe in something no one else comes near, though many mouth the words and might even sincerely want to believe... maybe I want to be chased...

not chaste, though I am less willing to settle for an intimate relationship of any kind when the pure passion is not there for me... I think I am learning to become distant... life goes on...

I love where I am, yet I want to be somewhere else...

and I feel everywhere, though unnoticed...

so I am relatively nowhere...

and realizing this is as I want it to be brings peace and a smile... playing the traveller, while some part of me does want to be known by one who can truly reach where I am and appreciate all I am, the me I know as me, if such a one exists, none of me wants to pretend I could actually be known or satisfied with the pretense of the superficial knowing that comes from popularity or fame...

I trust no one, I trust everything...

has anyone actually ever kept the promise of forever?...

I am a maze of brief thoughts tonight, and perhaps the past few nights, and I will not pop back entries in this time, I shall just say hello and go...

hello :)

5am Monday morning

I started this entry several times already, but blogger or the old computer has not been cooperating and I've let myself wander over to myspace again and again to be inspired by some writings and music there... I'll post the rhymes somewhere one of these days... anyway, if this works this time, it's gonna be briefer than the brief entry it as going to be the first time I started so I might get a couple of hours sleep... maybe...

Raspy ordered pizza today and I partook... bloat... and no gym, second day in a row... bloat bloat... and oddly, my left arm is stiff as if I strained a muscle, but I didn't use the muscles, so the stiffness is very odd... obviously a sign that skipping the gym is unwise...

the determination to get hardcore for the next few weeks ought to come one of these days (as it's been gone for the last couple of weeks and I've just been maintaining and that's quite boring and I don't do bored well or for long)... as expected, I watched the NBA playoffs and mostly vegetated today... hopefully the rest pays off, though I seem to be missing the sleep cycle a 9-5 job requires once again... alas, I am nocturnal, live with it...

and with that third smile I conclude wishing you happy thoughts and the will to honestly love yourself in everything you do today...

and me too :)

kinko de mayo

ah, sex with mayonaise, nothing like it... but this entry has nothing to do with sex or mayonaise or copier machines, or raisons, for that matter... it doesn't even relate to the date (or dates), in fact, cuz nobody around me celebrates anything these days, so what's a holiday or a festival that goes on when nobody's there... well, I wasn't, but someday, maybe, I will be more actively out there experiencing the parties people throw, or at least passing through, or best yet, throwing my own...

what I did do last night, besides skipping the gym, was head out the Xtreme Baseball... the warehouse guy working under Rasputin at the wholesale fish place where he works plays on a semi-pro baseball team in a brand new league called Xtreme Baseball... in a rare change of routine, Rasputin decided to accept the free tickets and go out on a Saturday night, so I went along... fun, though still sedentary...

it was good to be outdoors all evening and watch a rather odd game of baseball... I may find time and motivation to explain it in more detail at another time, but simply, Xtreme Baseball is played on a baseball field that looks kind of like how a baseball field would look it you had poor eyesight or were really drunk... in other words, double vision... maybe using simple geek-speech will help with the visual... take the regular lines and bases for the baseball field, copy them, and paste the copy about ten feet to the left... that's right, picture it, two of each base, two pitchers mounds, two homes... etc... then, both teams take the field at the same time, one pitcher on each of the mounds, one batter at each of the home plates, one umpire behind each of the catchers behind each of the batters...

play ball!

so last night was the first game ever, opening day, of a new concept in the American Pasttime... they alternate pitches and the team on the left baseball diamond run to the right clockwise around the bases instead of to the left as normal baseball does (the team on the right run the normal counter-clockwise)... I think it would be even more Xtreme if the pitchers pitched simultaneously, but they say I'm crazy coming up with that idea...

and in the true mode of Orlando, Disney, and it's a small world, the President of the league goes out to throw out the first ball and there's Phil, who's been mentioned previously in most of my blogs because I've known him since the last millenium... and I suddenly remember sitting in a car with him and his girlfriend and a girl I hung out with a couple of years ago (flashback to btc for the Orange Blossom Music Festival entries behind the candoor for references) driving through downtown Daytona Beach and as we passed the semi-pro baseball stadium there he talked about this idea he had for reverse baseball because he always thought it was unfair that lefties had to play a game that was geared toward right handers (Phil's a lefty)...

after the game Rasputin wanted to go straight home cuz he was sick and didn't sleep for 24 hours so we passed on the invites to the after-premiere game parties (the story of life these last few years since returning to Orlando, aye?) and I drove him home... we did stop at Logan's Roadhouse for steak dinner cuz I was foolish enough to suggest it and even paid (probably because I so didn't want to just go home and sit here and it was already too late to hit the gym and that would probably be good for the nipples, odd as that might sound to anyone reading this entry without reading any others)...

I chose to pass on the computer and watched something unmemorable on TV as I drifted off to sleep in the big green chair until I woke and watched a bit of Sports Center before waking up the computer and visiting myspace for a little bit and then coming here to tell you the stuff in this entry...

and that was my kinko de mayo...

a local couple on myspace went to some Fernando Sprimp Festival (a several day thing about four hours away) and it sounded like a fun time... lots of other stuff was happening in the area too and it still is today, but I'm in that not in the mood to go out exploring by myself mode that's been prevelent for most of this decade and Raspy is in his usual position, sleeping on the couch, so today I shall probably watch the NBA playoof games and eat my leftover rib-eye...

I could make this weekend sound infinitely more exciting (cuz I've got those mad perspective-writing skills, ya know?), but I'm not in the mood to sit at the computer much, so I'm gonna go watch the game and munch and nurse my sore nipples...

another entry will follow later cuz this is yesterday's entry, I mean, just look at the date (like that means anything)... laughing all the way (as I have been in the last few entries, in case you were fooled by the mock-darkness in tone or sardonic humours or some such depressed perspective I might have self-teased or seeded or somehow fed in my dichotomous teasing... multi-tracked self-mockery is so often poorly misunderstood and probably spoiled by explanation, which means this entry ends poorly spoiled), I wander off now...

maybe I should go back to drinking...

have a fun time out there :)

don't mock my pain

well, at least wait until I do :)

someday, when I have a photo blog, you will see evidence of the journey I am traveling in this body this year... they will, most likely, be random shots of this or that, perhaps my left foot cramping or a dripping wet T-Shirt or my nipples bleeding (no pain, no gain, or so some say) or maybe even ad-copy ready before and after shots (alas, there's no before shot, so that idea is shot)...

shoot, aye?... but seriously, I am just returning from two hours on the Lifecycle or Lifefitness machine or whatever it's called by those in the know and the machine tells me that I ran, virtually, 13.13 miles and burned 1320 calories... it was a moderate pace tonight mostly because the body and most especially the nipples could benefit from a day off... some T-shirts are rougher than others and all get wet and heavy and then rub against the nipples... I suppose I should put a smaller T-shirt on and see if that helps... anyway, at a slow pace in a soft T, not much problem... at a moderate pace in a soft T, usually not bad, though duration matters and two hours non-stop is a lot of friction...

tonight I put on one of my favorite soft T shirts, a Circa Survive T-shirt that has someone sitting backward riding a large kidney shaped being... the being has several long legs and feet in the shape of hearts... there was only minimal cries from the nipples until I turned up the pace in the last half hour, but hardly anything to notice... apparently, some time during the second hour, the nipples went numb because in the last couple of minutes I noticed a trail of blood several inches long spreading downward from both nipples, the red was literally bleeding into the sweat that was already saturating the light blue T-shirt...

the odd kidney shaped being on the shirt seemed to be laughing and pondering licking the blood, or tmy nipple, but that might have just been in my imagination...

suddenly, I felt the seering pain... amazing what not noticing signs of pain can do... it almost completely took my mind off my left foot (my actual foot, not the film) which was, until I noticed the nipples, screaming as I was struggling to find the right position and movement to prevent further cramping... I think I may pronate a bit too much with the left foot and the cramping is a result...

I know I have mentioned this phenomenon before, the bleeding nipples, that is... in fact, I seem to recall thatan entire entry dedicated to the nipples once upon a time behind the candoor... or twice, even... I remember that Annie, one of the dearest people I've met online, laughed a lot... but then, she loves me lots, so she's bias... I was probably a lot funnier back then... after all, Z says I've gotten serious and depressing lately... maybe I am getting old, or letting it happen, or was until I started waking the body up again (and facing the results of neglect, deterioration, and the aging process) and hopefully will wake my mind up to where it was or even new and exciting levels of enlightenment and ascension and humors any day now... come to think of it, the nipple entry may have been in the land of the mostly dead...

in finding that entry, I just got a whiff of the volume of words I've put online since the turn of the millenium... wow, I used to write a lot... so much pristine water under the bridge, untouched, unread, understanding... and I hardly ever wrote about nipples... well, at least not mine...

Rasputin is sick again... sniffling, sneezing, coughing... sounds terrible... of course he cooked spaghetti and meat sauce tonight and I had some... he makes the meat sauce by breaking up the chop meat with his fingers and dropping it in little bits into a frying pan... while coughing, sneezing, sniffling, and wiping his nose between breaking up meat... he rarely covers his mouth... he doesn't wash his hands much... no wonder he gets sick a lot... he's lovable, but really has some unhealthy habits... but then, I guess most people do not wash their hands a lot compared to me and other hospital workers... Precious will probably be sick soon... the use a lot of Ibuprophen and Nyquil and Sudafed...

I shouted at trail of blood on the T-shirt with the odd being with heart feet and threw it hopefully in the wash... the kidneys seem to be ok after the two hours at the gym... that's good... the cramp went away... that's good... the nipples are still sore... but it's the weekend, if I skip the gym tomorrow I will continue the pattern of the last few weeks which is weight rise on weekends... of course I could eat less and not indulge my more decadent taste buds... I think my chocolate taste buds must think I've died and not exactly ended up in any sort of heaven-type place... I think I am getting a bit random... I'm tired... I'm hungry...

wow, I really have gotten depressing... maybe I need a break... a change... or a return to the mindset I left behind the candoor... something old, something new... borrowed?... blue?... married?... no thanks, I'm trying to cut down...

ok, you can mock my pain now :)

time for sleep...

another peaceful day and almost silent night

cuz sometimes internal focus takes precedent even over the babbling I love :)

all is well, rest is good :)

hope you are too :)

listening to Precious

she needs to vent, so no entry tonight... unless I am still awake and feel like it later... meanwhile, if you want something to read that gave me one of the best feelings I've had in ages (and see another example of why I love Meg and Dia so much), see Meg write :)

so I called in sick

for the first time in more than a year, I decided to play hookie from work today... the body required some extra rest with all the stones it's been juggling of late and it was the right day to do it... and so I slept until mid-afternoon or so and then had some spaghetti and calzone (so much for losing more wight this week, aye?) and napped a bit more and then went to the gym... good workout, then relaxed and came here and that's the whole day... nothing more to say, at least not here :)