tired, hungry, lonely, but happy (ironic?)

so I'm glancing up at the Science channel cuz I love to listen to the latest information about outer space that scientists discovery or ponder (almost as much as I love science fiction) and what do I see?... I see the birth of the universe and stars and a galaxy compared, quite visually and seductively (to my mind, at least) to the creation of a pizza... yes, pizza!... the Science Channel hates me...

we watched Ohio State defeat Georgetown today, yay... so they face Florida in the championship game Monday night... again, as they did in NCAA Football, it comes down to Ohio Stat vs. Florida... in football, Ohio State was the big favorite and was upset big time... in basketball, Florida will probably be a slight favorite... they are trying to be the first school in history to win the basketball championship for the second straight year after already winning the football championship in the same year in 2006... too bad I am not a fan of theirs, I'd be quite cheered, aye?... anyway, I hope Ohio State wins Monday...

just before the game we all went to dinner, my first dinner out in a month... and before that I took Precious for a fitting for her prom dress (and somehow laid out $200 to cover the balance due... I'll get it back eventually, along with a bunch more I occasionally remember I loaned Raspy a while back... I may never see the tens of thousands I loaned people in the 90s, but the few thousand I loaned in this decade should find it's way back to me eventually and it'll feel like a gift)...

meanwhile, I continue depriving my taste buds and body of the deliciousness of carbs in most forms... more than a month with minimal pasta (a couple of ounces of macaroni salad every few days), no Code Red (or any soda/pop), no cake, candy, ice cream, chocolate (yes, still no chocolate), or any pure sugar food... sigh... almost no potatos (two times I had fries) or rice or any high carb food... lots of protein cuz what else is there?...

I did treat myself to filet mignon tonight, though I've had better... I thank the animal and further accept that life is a compromise of ideals, but even as I realize this even more clearly than ever (one of the things that was occupying my mind today), I still refuse to comromise the energy level required to satisfy me in a physical relationship, so I still hold out for the relatively impossible dream (probably becoming more impossible with every pasing year) of, as Art Garfunkle sang, the right one...

I am still going to the gym (skipped just three nights, one was after 14 hours at Disney, one was at the peak of a UTI, one was cuz I went to a concert)... and I am sleeping a bit more and resting more (though seldom more than four hours at a shot) and this is why I am not writing as much here or anywhere... though I still play my foolish games, my quixotic dreams, the windmills of my mind continue to enchant and haunt and inspire and compel me... in other words, I did put a rhyme up at candora and another at myspace recently, in case you didn't notice...

I stepped away a bit... Precious just came home and picked up the mail and she got her acceptance letter to the Honors College of Florida, her first choice... we hugged and danced and YAYed and she called her best friend, Dreamer (who, by the way, got into a rather prestigious Arts college in North Carolina, her first choice too) and they YAYed and now she's online telling anyone still awake and probably posting it up on her myspace...

and I wistfully reminisce about dreams of a college life that I never knew... and a circle of lifelong friends that somehow have become long lost... and the hope that I may still rebuild a social life and the romatic life of my dreams while I can still actively enjoy it... all followed, of course, by an over-dramatic sigh (and silent giggle)...

and as if the universe was apologizing for the cosmic pizza connection (or giggling right along), there's Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail on the TV (we woke Rasputin to tell him the news, so the channel changed) and of course I know I don't know her so imagining she's the right one is pure fantasy, but she looks like the right one in the vision in my mind... along with a few dozen others... maybe... I wonder if it would be easier to find the right one if I was blind... I don't think so, because energy is so much more than a visual thing... anyway, at least they are not eating pizza...

so I am hungry and tired and lonely, but happy... and on that note, I shall wrap the big green chair around me and drift off into my dreams... nite nite world, wherever you are :)

another night

finally caught up on Heroes... another night at the gym... another night alone... another night awake... maybe a weekend to catch up on some sleep... appealing thought... nite nite :)

blink... blink... blink

running late for work again... and again, a bit on the blurry side... I cleaned off my desk at work... the end of month projects will be a bit late, but the boxes and slots are no longer stuffed with papers... napped deeply when I got home... got back to the gym and set new best times... Precious finally got home after several days away and I stayed up past 4am listening Aida and catching up on the drama and excitement of her life... I remember it, life, that is... vaguely :)

I think the E.Coli is under control... and now, I'm off to work again...

blurry

it's morning now, but we can pretend I posted this last night from St. Pete...

long drive there, long drive back, I love drving, even alone, Joey Brooklyn's Pizza (what me pizza?... and canned sweetened ice tea... look at all the carbs... bzzzzzz), nice outdoor concert, relatively quiet crowd, I've been to better, donated to the MaD music fund, hugged Meg, fun and who needs sleep anyway?...

ate a whole chicken...

see you later :)

don't mind me, I'm amusing myself

Afterthought: BLOGGER TRIED to eat this post, but I outsmarted the machine... still, it is ironic and I am not bitter, no, I am not bitter at all :)

after a nap, I woke and found myself torn about the concert tomorrow night... a Christian rock concert headlined by a band I don't know and a couple of other Christian rock bands I don't know, but it's the only chance to see Meg & Dia before Warped Tour in June, so I bought tickets... the mixed emotions are as follows...

almost a two hour drive by myself cuz nobody wants to go (and I must face the fact that I have almost no friends in the area and nobody who is really into music except Precious and she only comes when I pay for her ticket because I pay for her ticket cuz, after all, she's a teenager and would rather hang with her friends and so would I (if I had any... sad, those last three words)...

it's not much fun facing the fact that I live a life so alone without anyone is is actually into what I am into without anyone who really gets me and relates and shares beyond the surface...

I obviously have been living in reality too long...

and then there's taking the fantasy crush on Dia that I could build upon and confronting it with the reality of her on stage, me an anonymous audience fan, and the twains never actually meeting because I am still feeling far from in the mood (or body/energy) to actually actualize myself and meet people I really want to be myself with... if that doesn't make sense to you, well, for better or worse, it does to me and it's depressing to face this long time gone period of life, but the gym work is the way out and hopefully I'll continue and get back out before I die)...

so it's not pathetic that I am going to drive 2 hours on a work night to see a teenage duo sing and play music and I have no one to go with me to these sort of fun things in this life... yes it is, but I won't let it get me down, so there... I stick my tongue out in my general direction...

meanwhile, I showed up late at the gym because I checked myspace (for the second time in a month) and found Dia had posted a blog and I responded privately and publicly and the Deputy showed up on time so I only had 21 minutes on the Lifecycle... I did set a new best time for a mile, 2 miles, 10, and 20 minutes though... good to get a nap in before the gym... and I still should be a lot more tired than I am, after all... so hopefully that's a good sign, but still I must focus on getting more sleep...

instead of sleep though, when I got back from the gym I found myself writing an odd love song that may have started as a May-December thing, but I feel like it has many more sides than just challenging the age stereotypes and hopefully that came across... I have three versions now, changing pronouns and wondering just how the words would be received in the different presentations... I think it's one of those pieces that depend more on who is presenting/singing it than on what is being said/sung... and there I go putting it out there on myspace... I think I may put it on candora and somewhere else too in different forms... I don't often way mass public feedback, but sometimes I write something I would like a big audience to read and review... too bad I don't have one for these times :)

and the feeling that it's just gotten ridiculous over behind the candoor as I don't find the time to catch up and continue (as I let stupid self-pathetic nobody cares thoughts creep in and leave the old diary dormant just cuz I really don't have the time to write and upload as I did before I started giving a couple of hours a day to the gym and a few extra hours a day to sleep)... I can really be so pathetic sometimes... any day now, I'll be laughing at how I was instead of merely mildly amused at how I am...

but living in the moment is still the primary focus, so I'm gonna let the muse visiting me tonight inspire me to write a bit more before I fall out and who knows, I might just enjoy myself now and tomorrow and forever (seems that's what I do anyway between momentary bouts of angst and fleeting glances of self-pity, which is why such moments of doubt or depression are so amusing to me)...

it's good you can't see that I am actually grinning or it might give you the impression that I don't take all this internal drama seriously...

if we're lucky this entry will slip right past without notice as so many of the deepest introspection entries do (especially over at btc or wherever), not that this is one such entry, actually... but there might be a touch of depth around somewhere if I paused, but with nobody around, what's the point... after all, I've been through it all with myself (shhhh, I mean I've still got lots to learn, right?)...

time for the semi-irreverent alas sigh: if only I wasn't the only one I amused at times like these, life would be a whole lot less lonely and more personally interesting, if not more intimate and fun...

so with John Denver (Seasons of the Heart) and The Moody Blues Seventh Sojourn and Blue Jays) and the Beatles and Meg & Dia serenading me in my head, I bid you a fond farewell for tonight and wander off into my own personal (and ever so solitary, thank you Eeyore) dreamland where the fun seldom ends and life is almost always a continuous bouncing YAY!...

g'nite, my faithful few... I love you :)


PS... I've decided to awaken a long sleeping garden and plant a seed there... perhaps it is a sign of more growth and inspiration, or perhaps it is merely narcissism disguised as abstract ecclectic correspondence... perspective is everything and hopefully, I will find a way to do what I meant to do there in the first place with that place - which is put personal words out there with as little presentation of perspective as possible so that a reader might create their own perspective and not assume the author's... if that makes any sense to ya :)

anyway, just cuz you know secrets others do not, the rebirth of Letters to the Night (which desperately needs some design help) begins with that message I mentioned above... I point in the general direction of the message... feel like you're in the inner circle now?... it helps if we pretend I'm famous and all that :)

I should be tired

but I feel wired... 65 minutes on the Lifecycle was enough for the muscles, but not enough to burn off the excess energy and suddenly I'm hungry again so instead of sleeping, I'm gonna snack on a high protein meal just to change the pace and give the impulsive satisfaction to the taste buds (but they still don't get cake, candy, or chocolate yet)...

maybe I should have chosen old episodes of The Twilight Zone and the big green chair to put me to sleep instead of coming here to the computer... I did only get 4 hours sleep last night... and I have a concert wednesday night that's almost 2 hours away, so I will be tired Thursday...

maybe it was the fun Z0tl was having in his kitchen...

or the new best time for 65 minutes at the gym...

or the body spread in front of me...

the bench press faces the Lifecycle and anyone using it lays back giving the Lifecycle occupant a view of them from between the knees... very distracting (could even be repulsive at times... or inspiring, if the energy is up and the body is right... tonight the body was quite right, but of course, bodyguard {boyfriend or husband} was right at her side the whole time watching my eyes... sad that some must feel so insecure that they are so obviously defensive and possessive... anyway, to infinity and beyond!)...

yes, I suppose the silliness of Galaxy Quest and my current never give up, never surrender mind set since starting the workouts again are behind this irreverent disregard for the sleep the body is really supposed to need, especially during times of great transition and healing and this body is going through both... but heck, when the child wants to play the child wants to play and when there's nobody around there's silly audio-visual stimuli, music, words, and food...

I hope you are finding fun in whatever you are doing...

and love, love yourself, life is better that way :)

lazy day (except for the gym)

after last nights, madness at the gym I followed the lazy gene's instructions and laid around all day watching NCAA basketball... I almost didn't go the the gym tonight as I was sliding into sleep (rather than just a nap), but somehow the biological clock woke me at 10pm and off I went to the gym... the Deputy who locks up was on time today, so I got just under 50 minutes in... since I told myself I would be happy with 30 minutes after last night, I'm ok with that, especially since I set a new best for speed in spite of the fatigued muscles and lazy gene... and the UTI game?... ME: 10, E.Coli: 6

now, to sleep... hope your day smiled for you :)

it's almost morning

in many ways, I think... I hope... and I don't just mean the time stamp for this entry is back-dated several hours... I mean I might actually be healing, though I challenged and tested that hypothesis rather severely (howpefully not foolishly) tonight... I spent 3 hours on the Lifecycle... I'm kinda numb... a tad on the queasy side too... flooded with water... should lay back and be still...

it's all about mind over body... in the first 10 minutes my legs said, not tonight, please louder than usual... they continued to do this for thirty minutes until the body distracted the legs by presenting another tact... the nipples cried out in unison, stop now please, we hurt, we hurt... I stretched my shirt over the hand bars abd slowed the pace... by the time I was starting my second hour, I shifted the Level up to Level 10 and set myself on cruise control... I came back down to Earth as the second hour came to an end, mostly because I was out of water... and the feet were started to burn a bit... I paused to get water, though probably not enough, but I do my best not to drink unfiltered water... anyway, I started the third hour tentatively and it just continued along until the time had passed...

I swear I so thought this was going to be a short night when I started getting the lazy muscle signals... the bug is still in there, but may be retreating or playing possum... if I make it through the night without relapsing, the score will be ME: 9, E.Coli 6

other than that, all I did today as watch NCAA basketball and prepare two easy meals (one being soup)... and now, I shall become part of the big green chair... I hope you had a good day and thank you for reaching out... I hope I'll be in a place where I can answer the phone next time :)

Friday the Rabbi slept

work, home, gym, sleep... what more is there to say?... ok, NCAA basketball... great games, if you enjoy the sport... most of my writing time is going to gym and recovery time... still eating strict, doubled the anti-biotic which seems to have stopped the worst of the bug, still feeling the fight go on... Me: 7, E.Coli: 5

I adore you for reaching out in other ways while I am gone... your karma points must be rising :)

call it a draw

I made it to the gym... I had to turn around after I was in the parking lot because I forgot the water... I wondered if my subconscious was trying to tell me something... about three quarters of the way to the gym I realized I forgot my towel... sorry, DA (and yes, it was a sorry move to forget the towel even as I pun-ish myself with an irreverent tease as I bonk myself over the head with the truth)... I didn't turn around, but I continued wondering... when I got to the gym, both Lifecycles were taken... first time that's happened in all however many days... only a few times, if that many, was someone on the other Lifecycle... the universe joining my subconscious?...

I got on the treadmill and set it to 5.5mph and ran for a while, slowing down and finishing 10 minutes as around 4.5 mph... leg muscles burning a bit... they left the Lifecycles and I switched over to one... 30 minutes, new speed best, close to new calorie best, feeling crazy for pushing through some noticeable discomfort, but will not let the bugs win as long as I can take steps... then 30 minutes walking on the treadmill, taking steps...

tired... feeling the infection... pissing more blood than yesterday, hopefully not as much as tomorrow... I will probably call a urologist and make an appointment for as many renal tests as possible... hopefully there isn't a stone stuck blocking one of the kidneys, tearing the tubing, and risking kidney failure... obviously one of the kidneys is working fine, since I drank 100 ounces of water during the workout and no symptoms to get too concerned about... but dangit this particular E.Coli is invested in building a home in this body...

so I'm calling it a draw... though part of me says I win cuz I did make it to the gym and kicked a little butt... but part of me says I lose cuz I'm more tired than I should be and feeling more discomfort... I refuse to call it pain until I can't sleep cuz of the feeling... that was Sunday night for a few hours... the only reason I don't sleep more than a couple of hours at a time now is the urge to urinate is strong in this one due to the bugs and the forced fluids... two gallons of water today and still drinking... the clood convinced me to increase the flow...

so this is the most E.Coli entry yet and on that ground alone, it won the day... see, it's a tough call, much like the calls in the NCAA basketball tournament tonight... I watched and enjoyed... no nap... so I will try to sleep now so I might get seven hours tonight... the body whines and pleads for 14 like last night, but I'm going to work tomorrow.... maybe I'll leave early... I doubt it... stubborn, I am... someone recently pointed out my stubbornness to me... I don't remember who or when or why... I'm not sure if it was part of the dreams from last night... they were good dreams... nostalgic and emotional and challenging and fun...

I think I was the only person taking calls at work today... I may have set a record, but I didn't keep track... I may be the only person taking calls tomorrow too... a few of our department is off... I listened to a lot of emotional parents... some cried... a few will probably be admitting their kids tomorrow... some wonder how such emotional work doesn't take it's toll... maybe my kidneys are wondering... but at the end of the day it almost always feels good to help people release their fears and guilt and show them that there is a light at the end of the tunnel...

and that's the day... Me: 5, E.Coli: 4... maybe 4.5 if I wake due to anything other than fluid flow tonight... isn't this fun? :}

thanks for being here :)

slept

yup, not great sleep, but slept... 14 hours, maybe, on and off... the brain suggests I sleep more... the body is tired... but off to work I go... the previous posts have more to say... and myspace too... yay for comments and friends and people who care... burp... 'scuse me... there's a feeling bubble floating around in me that I have not said anything worth saying in quite a while... and I dreamed last night, a memory dream, and still remember... that is extremely rare... that usually means change is approaching... strange, nothing appears all that changeable on the near horizon... anyway, the score in real time: me 3, E.Coli 2, and the game goes on...

bummer, I'll be right back...

no really, I'll be back in an hour or so...

all the many words

it's been weeks since I last checked in over at myspace and there are more than a few people over there, including people in the offline world, who keep in touch (even if it's silently) over there... I think some people actually depend on me to be out here in the cyber world... of course that could be all in my head as ego and some parts of me most definitely want to be wanted and even needed...

the next thought, as I ponder the distant dependencies we create for ourselves online (and wondering how much of their illusionary reality can actually be considered real) may not be related, but it is what it is and it is that the longer I live the more poisoned I feel, especially when I interact with others... it may be a uniquely American disease, this spoiled arrogance, this blind defiance, this chosen ignorance, this cavalier cynicism, this negative insensitivity and penchant for unhappy gossip and drama and tragedy and power trips and destruction... it may be that I've lost touch with the world view in recent years... in any case, I feel poisoned by my environment on every level...

and the geniune innocents who do not walk around with a chip on their shoulder as if everyone owes them something (or more accurately, sit around fat and lazy complaining about everything and laughing at the misfortunes of others) seem to slide into a malaise, even depressions, for they are pushed around and treated badly by the callous users and pretentious know-it-alls who claim power and virtue based on popularity, aggression, and what they'll call divine intervention...

and all the many words I put out on the web
how few of them are ultimately read
so many places and paths and comments aside
how many thoughts and feelings are lost or denied

and all the many words I have used in this life
how few of them have meant anything
so many people passing through on the outside
how many have ever heard my heart sing

it's sad to say none, or many there was one
but no one is feeling me everywhere now
is this what life's about, just the letting it out
and leaving it behind... for others to find...
I want something more...
but how...
shall this become lament into the sorrow and acceptance of the isolation of living in these bodies or a victorious celebration of waking to the conscious awareness of being actualized as one with everything enough to bring the ultimate intimacy into the personal life?...

I dunno...

ironically, I did get to the gym in spite of waking an hour late... frustratingly, I could have had almost an hour on the Lifecycle as the Deputy worked tonight which meant he comes to lock up when his shift ends which means he actually gets to the gym to lock up around midnight... but I plotzed in melancholy and babbled in comments to come out of that mood and then walked out the door prepared to jog/walk as I wistfully passed the locked and dark gym... the gym was lighted and I went in for a ten minute level 11.4 (average) which is still not the level 15 I used to work out at on the old machine, but substantially more resistance than the level 3-5 I've been averaging since I returned to the gym (and we see why the time on machine, mileage, and speed are higher and the calories burned are lower, aye?... I believe this current way is better {lower resistance, longer times} is better as I am focusing on burning the calories most of all... if I tore down muscle even more than I am already doing I'd have even more complications, complaints, and curveballs from my renal system and other vital organs, not to mention muscles)...

anyway, after the gym I speed walked around the community for almost 40 minutes and that almost brought me up to burning as many calories as I consumed today... I really binged on the meat-cheese meal I prepared (that should have easily been four meals, three at the max, but will weakened and taste buds won the battle today... that's twice in the past four days, but only twice in the past three weeks, so I must focus a bit more on the fact that I am in control of my choices)... I left the perfect dinner meal in the fridge at work and that, coupled with the pig-sty kitchen I cooked in and the general feeling of loneliness as I challenge this body and myself to rise above the habits of my roommates and the general population and the frustration with this body that is cough mortal and showing clear signs of deterioration and lack of cooperation (and the baby never cries, alas, poor Harry, and Johns, and Billy, and so it goes), influences my auto-pilot taste buds to take me to a salt and carb high that I've avoided for at least three weeks...

and yet, still, no chocolate... even though a co-worker brought me some fancy chocolate she picked up on vacation today... it's in the fridge at work where it will remain, possibly until it turns white, or at least until I go another week without even the slightest hint of binge eating...

and still I digress from the digression and all the many words bring me to wonder why I am here... surely sleep would be wise, for the body, at least, and even perhaps for the mind... and yet the mind and those ethereal parts of me that know limitless hope and hunger and energy, the insatiable (however illusionary, though they do produce physical effects in the form of hormones that keep me awake and writing all the many words long into sleepless nights like this one) call out for more (more more more) and wonder where have all the flowers gone... and the people, the children with promise and hope and beauty flowing from their loving eyes and optimistic smiles, where have they, where have we all gone?...

another digression, perhaps, but sooner or later some digression might lead us back around to the original point... and how long ago did I leave that (the old man inside chuckles at the youthful hope in the question, but the answer will not come tonight as I grave the thought too lightly to even close it with a question mark)...

and this is life in real time... I woke, left responses to your comments (in semi-indirect babble mode), and did the exercise thing... continuing the continuation of the continuum of life, I hope... and here we are, back in RealTime... the day before my evening nap was a day like most days... I was asked to do (and completed) another new project for the Director of Clinical Services (and the previous one was approved by Quality Council that met today)... completing a few reports and the usual database updating... I miss the interaction with the kids, and yet, the hunger for emotional intimacy that they partially filled is growing and that is one of the motivators for the recent contract renewal with this physical life as represented by the gym work and refreshed dietary priorities...

it is a good feeling, the sense that I may be lifting the veil of self-pathetic tragedy again and giving myself yet another chance at rebirth... from Skeeter Davis singing don't they know it's the end of the world to John Lennon singing it feels like starting over (and why do I not have more current references at my fingertips... oh, dear muse of music, where are you now... for so long I have forsaken you, bleeding self-deprivation as some form of misguided punishment for failures I let get beyond my control... if I pray, would you return to save me?)...

and all the many words...

I am going to write somewhere else now as I've gone way beyond my purpose here in this real time blog... I hope you don't mind (the babbling on here, or my going where the babble and dreaming and drama and chorus and la-dee-da-ing belongs)... if nothing else is read in all the many words, may these next words be the final thought you save...

I do appreciate you being round...

being sick alone is no fun

but on the other hand, I am a horrible patient because I am fiercely independent, must have things my way when it comes to healing, and am repulsed by over-dramatic pity... I cringe when someone says I'm sorry when finding out I am sick because it is worse than meaningless, it is stupid... but then, I have an aversion to the word sorry based on it's generally self-pathetic meaning... sorry is a sorry word and worse way to be... but it's not considered polite to ask a person who is sorry flat out what have you got to be sorry about?... so I often smile and ask why, what did you do? and sometimes they get it... more often I simply say it's not your fault or it's nothing you did or no reason to be sorry...

anyway...

my standards for nurturing are unique... and I almost always believe I know what is best for this body because I live in it (kind of a duh to me, if you know what I mean)... of course, if I am not in touch with this body, which is the state of being for most humans I've met, then I may not be the best one to decide what is best for this body... usually I am in touch though... in fact, too much so, but that's another story...

so I was/am sick... let's backtrack... some time Sunday evening I started feeling the unpleasant symptoms of urethritis, the start of a UTI (urinary track infection), including low grade fever... being a passer of kidney stones every decade or so (though that delightful event is on the increase), I tend to be prone to UTIs... I decided not to let a little unpleasantness stop me from going to the gym though, so I put on a sweat shirt to stay warmer...

an hour on the Lifecycle later a(with, ironically, excellent times) and I felt very fatigued... and then, about an hour later, the queasiness started... the E.Coli was moving into the bladder and producing all the usual symptoms of a bladder infection... a steamy hot shower soothed the body for a while, but the water in this place does not stay hot enough for true shower therapy (I so miss that) and sleep was not easy to find (so why am I still awake at 3am tonight?... shhhh, these are the times that I do not question my brain)... concern moved from should I get an antibiotic in the morning to should I call the doctor in the morning to oh no, I hope I don't have to go to the ER tonight...

somewhere along the way I fell asleep...

the sleep was restless though, with frequent trips to the bathroom... I kept popping cranberry capsules and got up to go to work... I asked my boss for a prescription and she gave me 5 days worth of Bactrim, which I hope will be enough because my doctor's receptionist said I could not talk to my doctor... that is the single real bummer of the day because I do not want a doctor who forces me to go to the emergency room or another doctor when I have a minor emergency and that was my only alternative if I wanted my urine tested (which is the right procedure)... alas, personal trust is gone and that makes for a piss poor doctor patient relationship...

anyway, I left work at noon and got my antibiotics and while there, had my opil changed and shopped for food and then came home and took some more cranberry (I couldn't find BearBerry at the store) and felt ok enough to eat so I had the salad I got for lunch at work and a can of soup... then I vegged in the big green chair... a bit of a nap... Prison Break and 24 on the TV... then 40 minutes at the gym... I allowed myself to stop at 40 minutes cuz I am fighting E.Coli in my spare time, after all, and I did not want a repeat of last night wherein I left too little energy for the fight and the E.Coli started moving toward my kidneys...

I am feeling a bit better now, that is, no more of the call of the bathroom symptoms (except the frequent urination, which is as much due to the hourly 20 hounces of water I am consuming as the UTI)... the good news is I am finding much will power to avoid food and dropped to another couple of pounds according to the gym scale...

and the last few hours I've been all excited about my new statistical tracking software and while I still have more to learn, it's almost just what the doctor in my head ordered... ways to record the physical experience, choices, and changes this body is going through and view statistics (have I mentioned that I love statistical games enough yet?)... it's not perfect, but it's a fun new toy...

ok, so maybe it's a little fun :}

and here we are... I should get to sleep so the body can do some more healing and not relapse, especially since I only have 5 days worth of antibiotics and the usual course is 10-14 days... I may try my doctor again if there are still symptoms on day four and see if she is simply too busy to deal with this level of care or if the receptionist made a big mistake in blocking my call and suggesting I try another doctor or the ER... I think I'm going to start shopping around for another doctor cuz I'd like one that is much more into holistic and herbal medicine anyway...

hope you are finding something to smile about in your world tonight :)

kidney stones and E.Coli

the combination can make time seem to stand still... it's been a long night (this window to the world sat open waiting for words and I was somewhere else) and I am feeling better and heading out to work, pondering getting antibiotics... it seems cranberry helped a lot... I may be home early...

somehow I did an hour at the gym in the middle of it all...

no worries, life continues :}

focus amidst distractions and other perspectives

I am thinking of buying this...

the part of me who screams INDEPENDENCE! in capitalized italics makes the usual claim that I do not need to pay for what I can do myself, organize my life, thoughts, and visual records... not to mention following someone else's way of organizing their life path... that's almost like following someone else's religion, though some might see that as a stretch... some parts of me can be quite the purist...

but seriously, we can turn anything into a logical sounding standard that is, for the purist who seeks truth and optimization and perfection, just another excuse... I mean, look at the mental health field... everything is excused as a disease, from self-pity to laziness to obesity to violence to insecurity to indecisiveness to self-abuse to rape to child rape to murder... and as if the universe loves me and wants to prove my point, we have RPS, or Restless Penis Syndrome...

ok, so it's an SNL spoof on PMS and every other medical diagnosis that attempts to explain and even excuse emotional choices and behaviors, but come on, why not?... it's a natural... male hormones, survival of the species, the instinctive drive to procreate as much as possible... just about every species exhibits it... the hormones take over and demand, no DEMAND! penile insertion... any soft moist hole will do, though some males suffering from RPS do discriminate in an attempt to avoid pain ot nausea...

but anyway, that's just one reason against purchasing such a product... another, of course, it will I use it? and if I do use it, for how long?... if it takes more than five or ten minutes, it's doubtful I will make the time on any extended basis, therein making it a waste of money... and then, of course, is will it work on this old computer? which is only a temporary reason not to buy, but may very well be the best for the moment... and we mustn't forget cheapness... yes, while I give it all away to others way too easily... I am about the cheapest (as in frugal, self-denial of spending money on self) person I know when it comes to spending money on myself.... I can overcome that when I want to, but I rarely want to...

so anyway, I am considering the purchase anyway...

holy crap... I just spent five minutes browsing the screen shots on the sit and clicked to the Buy Now page and almost clicked on the $39.95 CD-ROM order... it should just bareley run on this computer, maybe... impulsivity is high in this one...

ten minutes later... ok, I ordered it... paid... downloaded... not installed yet because there are way too many windows open to install new software at the moment... hopefully it will satisfy the statistics loving math-kid in me enough to spend time each day using it and then, hopefully it will motivate me to continue getting healthier and more fit...

other than that, I watched NCAA basketball all day while doing laundry, recovered from last night's gym, ate way more than necessary for lunch cuz I caved in to Rasputin's influences and lack of responsiveness or consideration (simply, he got home from work and I asked aboout food and suggested we order his favorite pizza and I'd order their chicken strips and he ignored me {as he often does when he's zoned into the TV amd then nodded off}... so I cooked myself something healthy, mostly, and as I'm eating it he wakes and decides to order pizza for him and Precious without asking me... they didn't have the number, so Precious asked to use my phone {which has the number in it} and I told her to order me chicken strips... when Raspy heard that, he told her to order 20 so they'd have some too... the only way I was getting my chicken strips was to eat them all before they got to them, so I did... this is a typical way I allow myself to be influenced into poor dietary habits here and I felt it was time to walk through the event so I could see it in detail... obviously, I can not treat myself unless I am willing to pay for them too because their habit is to eat fast so they can have more food than the others sharing the food, which is exactly the opposite of what a healthy body needs... so I shall try for no more sharing food for a while), got back from another hour at the gym (which was a pleasant surprise) and came here...

reminder to me: stay on your path... especially take care not to follow others when loneliness or taste buds are influencing decisions...

hope you are loving your weekend :)

12 days of crazy

yes, twelve consecutive days ay the gym with increasing effort and results each day... tonight?... 120mn, 12.89m, 1292c... that means 2 full non-stop hours on the Lifecycle and 12.89 miles and 1292 calories burned... averaging 6.445 miles per hour for two hours... 6.95mph for the first 30 minutes... 6.82mph for the first hour... 6.61mph for 100 minutes... the rest of the stats are where the stats are kept and may be meaningless (and are way sub-standard) in the long run, but it's still a sign of the crazy in me at the moment...

I'm gonna rest now :)

and blogger said shuddap, so on to March Madness

yeah, so blogger decided the body should not talk and destroyed the wonder and magic of motivation and inspiration that the previous entry might have been... the good news is I took the resentment I felt and said fukkit and continued on my solitary path spinning my wheels to nowhere (but feeling physically better as I get there)...

a lingering tick-off is that I missed making picks for the NCAA basketball tournament as that was the intention after blogging last night but after blogger shat on my magic, I was distracted and forgot to make the picks so I can not prove how wonderfully prophetic I can be this year... so much for March magic...

I do declare that all 16 top 4 teams in each bracket will make it to the sweet sixteen, except maybe UCLA, but then, maybe even them... I predict fewer upsets this year than in previous years... vulnerable for upsets are (5) Virginia Tech, (6) Duke, (8) Kentucky, (8) Marquette, (8) BYU, and possibly (7) Nevada... the final four may just be the #1 seeds... Ohio State, Kansas, Florida, and North Carolina, though I predict Wisconsin will give Florida a hard time if Florida gets past Maryland... and I think Georgetown will take North Carolina out of the picture... so Kansas, Ohio State, Georgetown, and Wisconsin are my final four... with Ohio State and Kansas meeting in the finals and Ohio State taking it all...

influenced by all the Ohio State banners around this place?... probably, but Greg Odom is a freshman on Ohio State and will be starting in the pros next year and unless he gets hurt, he should carry the rest of the freshman on Ohio State to the championship...

I rarely get these tournament picks right, but heck, sometimes, like a few times a year, it's still fun to pretend I can see into the future and judge basketball teams and be a know-it-all... and root root root for somebody... if I was not influenced by Rasputin being a die-hard Ohio State fan I might see just how young and inexperienced and hot-shotty the Ohio State team is and pick another team to win it all, like maybe Kansas or Florida or Georgetown... I'd call Memphis, UCLA, Wisconsin, and Texas long shots... with Washington State and Oregon as way long shots... anybody else makes it into the final four will be a big surprise for me, but then, that's often what the March madness is about, big surprises... I just don't see any coming this year... well, maybe Michigan State could surprise North Carolina and maybe Winthrop could surprise Notre Dame, but that's all...

meanwhile, on the inside... fatigue is higher, bloat is higher (corned beef and cabbage does not not go well with long aerobic exercise sessions), but the gym work continues... the pattern of napping when I get home from work continues, thought the past two evenings the nap was broken by the TV, which is a sign of imbalance and distraction in my unconscious mind... not enough distraction to stop the workouts, which is good... but a sign that rest could be helpful soon...

work presented a few challenges this week, which keeps the boredom at bay... a rearrangement of units and patients meant a rebuilding of the databases and spreadsheets... somehow I squeezed that in and got the state database updated on time too... it's good to stay busy and stay ahead of the workload even when it triples suddenly... all should be back to whatever normal (I mean, it is a psych hospital, after all) is next week...

I connected with the corporate MIS person (in Tennessee) and IT is more aware (as is our CEO and CFO) of the fact that we've had new computers awaiting deployment since September of last year (or was it August) and more importantly, why they are becoming obsolete before they are even used (changing corporations, changing staff, the balls, or in this case, the computers, get dropped)...

and that's life, work, and stuff for today... hope you are enjoying whatever youi are doing and making the most of the challenges cuz imagine how boring life would be without them... thanks for reading and being here :)

and my to newly published friend, yay nicole :)

body talk

the song was overplayed and corny, but the catch lines let's get physical and especially let me hear your body talk is what exercising is about... this body I live in continues to say thank you and sing more, more, more, though it's not quite rebel yelling, at least not yet... I'm not sure that I know exactly what a rebel yell is, I mean precise sound when articulated, come to think of it... a yeee-haaa?... most of the last 17 years in the deep south and I've yet to be acclimated... but then, most of the beginning of this life was in NYC and I was never a real New Yorker either... I live in my head, after all...

so ten consecutive days of working out (9 gym, 1 Disney) and the body still asks for more when the Deputy comes to lock up... and each night, at least an hour on the lifecycle with increasing levels of resistence and speed (and therein caloric burn)... still not burning anywhere near the 1000 calories I want to set as a nightly goal, but approaching 700 calories burned in 60 minutes... weight loss is all about the calories burned... and since the first gym night (after the 4 day semi-fast), five more pounds were burned off... no big whoop as I'll consider myself satisfied when 32 more go, though people tell me to be happy with less cuz the body doesn't look that over-weight due to it's proportions... I know better... when I reach the 180 mark, I'll consider how much further to go... when I arrived in Florida 17 years ago and started running consistently again, I was 162... during the bike trip (from Detroit to Chicago via northen Michigan and Wisconson) when this body was 147... those were teenage years when I was running marathons and averaged 100 miles a week...

the body has these memories...

this is where this post ends because blogger did not save it as it is supposed to and it ate it... it was one of the best most motivating positive (for me, at least) posts I have written in years... the communication was not meant to be...

g'nite...

one more day (again)

relatively no interaction with the world outside my head (except for a bit at work) which is not the ideal and a bit lonely, but not much lonely as nobody around is focused on the journey I am on and it feels much better to be on my journey alone than it does to be on another journey just to sort of share another's ways...

waiting for a muse or inspiration is just not working... so I guess it's time to change my tune again... shifting from all by myself, don't wanna be to I'll go it alone, if that's how it must be cuz I can't be right for anyone else if I'm not right for me... la la la... another night stepping it up at the gym feels good... detaching from the bloated lazy energy plane is always like rebirth...

I don't suppose this is becoming more human, but then, I'm not so sure I really want to be... I sure don't want to be like everybody else... so I smile and take another step back towards myself and hope I don't lose what little contact I do have along the way...

hope all is well in your world :)

in case you missed it

you missed it :)

some days are good enough to enjoy and not record for posterity... well, most days could be there, when the hunger to share quiets (whether due to reduced hope for success in a specific attempt after repeated failures or due to satisfaction with self or other attempts) and the leaf rides the wind...

the usual, work, nap, gym, even missed 24 and life goes on, within me and without me... within you and without you... within us and without us...

Aida plays...

hope Monday was good at your end too :)

surviving Disney

at this particular time, that is, the time of this particular entry, according to the date stamp and all, well, maybe not all, but anyway, at this particular moment I am running late for work and it is well past that particular time stamped on this entry, but this is the entry it is anyway...

and that's all I've got to say about that...

YAY for Disney, still magical in spite of it's obscene commercialism and vulgar greed (and other flaws)... YAY for Issam, the wise and courteous, superior and generous, fair and brave... YAY for discounts on 3-day passes... YAY for more trips to Disney cuz Jackson is gonna Disney buddy with me...

and so, we survived, and now, work...

till tomorrow :)

where does the time go...

a rhetorical query, no doubt, but I just spent more than an hour getting my mind to focus on formatting and recording the stats and thoughts about tonight's workout... and that was after 90 minutes at the gym... and adding in the 30 minutes for an after gym relaxing stretch, shower, and cool down, no wonder I am hardly online lately... that last thought was inspired by Smash who texted and asked where I've been... and I ask myself, again rhetorically, how can I possibly expect to expand my contacts when I don't have time to play where all the people gather (alias, myspace)... so I'm accepting that rebuilding this body and enjoying a healthier (and hopefully longer) life offline means losing most contacts from Diaryland and myspace and anywhere else people might have connected... alas, the time management compromise...

ok, today was relaxing while watching the NCAA conference tournaments and a session at the gym... Rasputin slept and farted on the couch, Precious was out except for stopping by three or four times to get stuff she forgot (she's staying with a friend at a teacher's house, dog-sitting while the teacher is away)... that's it, the day...

tomorrow is Disney, awake in 6 hours (yeah, it's after 1am), so I must wind down and get some sleep... hopefully the big green chair and the boob toob will work it's magic... hope you've been having fun and doing what you want to do :)

narcischizm

night after night I come here to summarize the events of the day in words... all about me and the life I experience in RealTime... the words pop out on the web... even if nobody reads them, the words are here... even if I tell myself I put the words out here for you, for friends, for anyone who cares about me to read, for posterity, it's still all about me...

well, maybe not all about me... after all, I am about to mention that Rasputin, sitting over there on the couch, just farted for the eighth time since waking ten minutes ago... and that is after going to the bathroom... posterity must know these things, I mean, just in case there's an autopsy after I die and someone wonders why there's an elevated fart-gas level in my body... they are not mine, check the DNA of the fart gas... I wonder how many years fart-gas cuts off a lifespan...

see, it is all about me...

anyway, whether the narcissism creates the schizm or the schizm is merely an ironic coincidence, as much as I reach out and put myself out here, I am alone... maybe it's the fart-gas (there's another), or the stench from the sink and the way I desensitize myself to it that carries over to the rest of my day, but there's the title word in a nutshell... or in this entry, at least...

work: back to the usual, caught up on the last three days, started another new project I was asked to look into, connected with the new CFO and he opened the door enough to send me the files I needed... a 180 degree switch from the previous paranoia insisted on my the previous CFO's assistant... that assistant is still there, but I just bypass him as much as possible, much to his frustration...

home: napped after watching part of Heroes and some NCAA basketball... woke to get to the gym for a fith consecutive night... feeling good for this stage of the first steps out of the lazy malaise...

and so there we are... or there I am... along with another fart from Rasputin... the mundane details of existence for posterity (and me) to reflect upon if I ever have time to review and reflect on the mundane details of existence on such a daily level...

how did I do that?

one step in front of the other and just keep moving... the raw data and workout notes as still merged into the land of the mostly dead, in case you want to see the details... about 110 minutes on the lifecycle today burned about 1100 calories, according to the machine... I think... the legs may be a bit rubbery tomorrow, but everything feels fine right now... only the slightest tightness and ammonia scented perspiration (must drink water, maybe taking 20 ounces to the gym is not enough for a workout of this duration, but who knew?), no cramping, chafing, or red tissue (which would mean blister risk) anywhere...

exhaustion is bound to set in at any moment, but while I can still sit erect and hold my head up, hello :)

work: another early start, downtown Marriot breakfast, yum, lots of calories, but no lunch as I got home early and napped... a fine waste of taxes, par for the course...

home: napped, TV, dinner was light, 160 calories of protien and veggies... napped a bit more, then watched the tale end of American Idol and some of Are You As Smart as A Fifth Grader? (so far I've yet to miss a question and I've seen about 80% of the shows, which makes the absolutely pitiful performance of the contestants a rather depressing statement of American intellectual standards... they must pre-screen contestants and turn down anyone with an IQ over 80) and then, the gym and then, here we are...

I am neglecting myspace people and I hope they understand... I figure the ones who choose to genuinely care will find me here (as far as I know, that hasn't happened yet, but there's always hope) and the rest will wait if they care enough and will not if they don't... btc has not seen an upload in almost a month and though 20+ entries are about ready, I don't have the time or energy to reawaken the babbler for public performance and all that uploading... everywhere else sleeps... so it's just the workout info at md and here (in case you were wondering)...

and except for wishing someone was here to appreciate what I am doing and offer a massage, maybe even nathe me and whip the drool from my mouth (that last part is humor, I'm not really drooling... yet), I am as satisfied as logic permits at this point... I'm still taking the pills (in case you missed the list, it's a few entries back and briefly: Milk Thistle (175mg), Milk Thistle (1000mg), Cranberry, Green Tea Extract, Cayenne Fruit, Echinacea, Papaya Enzyme, Odorless Garlic, Lecithin, Cinnamon, Ginkgo Biloba, Vitamin E, B, C, Bilberry Extract, multi-vitamin with minerals, and the blood pressure pill... a while lot of pills and yes, since you simply need to know everything, the fecal material does look a bit different...

this is the daily life blog in RealTime, after all...

and on that note, I shall check comments and respond and then write a bit more elsewhere until I collapse... thank you for being here and reminding me I am not completely alone in this madness :)

consistency

that is what it takes to mean something in this world (at least to me)... and that's a pretty global condition, come to think of it... consistency in interactions build trust... consistency in balance secures peace... consistency in helathy diet and exercise insure optimal energy level and physical experience... for the latter, this body will need a year of consistency to return anywhere near optimal for me, but heck, three days in a row is better than none, so yay...

and on this third day, continued improvement... while the first ten minutes begged for rest and calling it a night, by the time I was done on the lifecycle 93x (more than an hour later), I felt like I could continue another hour... though my calf might have cramped by then, after 30 minutes of pushing current limits, I felt like I could cool down (4-5mph at base level, minimal resistance) for as long as the gym stayed open... since I arrive about 10pm and closing time is 11pm, therein is the built in limit... though today the security cop closed at 11:30pm, yay him...

so life in this body is just a little bit better tonight... woke 6am, shower, a touch of computer, out the door...

work: same, except a longer day at the boring seminar... breakfast at the Marriot buffet (pig... though I did keep it to one plate and did not have bread, fruit, donuts, or anything else except juice and coffee)... lunch outdoors at a local bistro (veggie wrap with sweet potato fried, decadent) with three people from the competiting Orlando psych center, picking brains... aren't you glad I haven't started recording bowel movements?... no wonder just a few of you stick around, aye?... seminar: zzzzzzz...

home: stepped out with Rasputin to buy a few things, including Chromium Picolinate, which is said to help insulin break down blood sugar... one more pill to pop daily... I tried to get my oil change, but the line was long and not moving at all, so another time... semi-napped in big green chair, missed the American Idol girls, headed to gym, came home, logged stats, back here, nite nite (almost)...

somewhere along the way I'd like to figure out how to fit some shared quality personal time in, but then, I'll have to find that other person, won't I... somewhere along the way I'd like to figure out how to fit some time focused on figuring out how to find that other person, but then, 18 hours is already a long day... and Aida (I am falling totally in love with the soundtrack) plays in my head I don't want to live like that... dangit...

working downtown and eating outdoors at local places every day would definitely be one assist to the interactions and possible meeting of others, but I work in an industrial/research park in the distant suburbs surrounded by 40,000+ college students and corportate types (and some military tyles) and can not afford lunch out... at all... poverty is so restrictive to social life, yet the pay scale sucks here and ambition to give more hours to a job is just not there... while I can enjoy the variety and being served, the upscale life is just not that important to me...

so I continue hoping that potential other person might stumble by the half hour to hour of words I pop out online every day and we can figure out how to proceed from there together... strange long shot, I suppose, but then, people play the lottery, don't they... consider my various entries lottery tickets then... after all, the pool of people online is much bigger than even the population of the local downbtown bistros at lunch, so who knows...

and so my thoughts for today conclude with more hope than yesterday, a few sighs, and satisfied smile, a word of caution to myself to watch out for the laziness in me (and the taste buds), and a whole lotta love for all of you :)

start again

well, sort of (not even sorta, ya see)... a long long time ago in a life far far away, I returned home from the wars on a particular March 1st... perhaps it is no coincidence that the renewal of my contract with life was picked up this year right about that date, however we are cautioned by history to remember that the third great betrayal of trust and failure of true love occured during that year of that particular March 1st and that particular rebirth spiraled into three (or was it nine?) tears of wandering aimlessly wasted on heartbreak, recovery, and the odd mushrooms and weeds and stuff I pulled out of the ground (and occasionally off silver trays and mirrors) to eat and smoke and sniff (though still writing profusely)...

we shall not repeat that spiral this year... unless I win the lottery and then, it will not be quite as depressing a cycle... yes, I am making sense in my head, if not in yours... you are welcome, if you have a few days to visit here and sit and sort through the historical records, try to make sense of it...

another gym visit, and the energy was good (being very generous with the accolade)... after sitting with auditors this morning and then sitting in a seminar all day (with a treat for lunch thrown in, though still not extravagant as I used to eat), I arrived hom and promptly fell dead asleep in the big green chair... I was so dead asleep that I did not wake (not even semi-conscious) to hear any of the American Idol singers who were blaring from the TV that was maybe 12 feet from my chair... wonderful sleep... then it was watch House, then to the gym... and with the best results yet, I am feeling wonderfully hopefully again...

sheesh, I was profoundly depressed for a day or few just a few days ago... scary how well I am doing at this human game... and since I must be awake in less than six hours to drive downtown for a 10 hour seminar, I shall keep this brief (brief being relative to energy level and perspective, naturally)...

work: the audtor asked the questions, I gave the answers, she seemed satisfied (though one can never tell about an auditor)... my boss asked me some questions about what I do in case she was asked while I was gone (she also had my cell # in case of emergency, which makes sense since I am basically the only one who knows everything I do and how it gets done), and I was off to the seminar... I indulged in a $25 lunch at the Marriot lunch cafe, and then tried to stay awake while people drinod on and on in repetitive cycles as if they had this discussion and debate and gripe session many times before (apparently they have)... being the newbie, I listening and being that they were talking in circles, I had little to say... I did meet the husband of one of my co-workers and he seems like a nice guy who was smart enough to bring a laptop so he kepts himself busy while the room debated issues...

already recapped home, so it's time to say nite nite... but first, YAY FOR COMMENTS!... thank you thank you... and... YAY FOR TEXT MESSAGES... thank you... I will figure out how to fit some responding into my daily activities when my days are not so hectic :)

I hope you are taking care of yourselves and hope I continue to wake up cuz it is really boring being down when I don't really have to be... I'm such a silly kid, sometimes... and loving every minute of it...

be good to you :)

ok, the grave is muddy

and I've had one foot stuck in it for quite a while now (the ancient scrolls of the mostly dead {at LJ, not the black gardens of DL} can attest to that)... somas I drag myself back to the gym again (yes, I found my way there again tonight), I am facing the wall again... the wall with the big graffiti letters spelling out aging and poverty sucks... I feel like I've been tied to a whipping post, if you follow along with that song...

sadly I trudge onward, reluctantly (and boy, can I ever get reluctant) accepting that I shall be the only one experiencing and appreciated the rebirth of this body (if it happens, after all, it could very well explode)... no visceral feedback... no one who understands or is aware or appreciates or really cares in the physical world...

heck, even online it ain't easy (so I smirk)...

of course if I take this journey seriously, as I've done in the past, I know that I shall reach a point of conditioning and self-esteem and confidence that will get many noticing and remarking about the changes, but that's after the fact and still superficial and anyone wanting to get close then will have proven they were never interested in me, but in the physical aura I could project (the thin skin deep layer of superficial attraction)...

sucks to know this stuff, it really does...

anyway, got a lot done at work today in preparation for being mostly gone for three days (training downtown... dang traffic nightmare and long boring days meeting the people from the state office that reviews the evaluations I do and data I compile and submit... people who don't know what they are doing, but are, of course, in charge... and meanwhile the federal auditors (one group of them, at least, and yes, they get a report from me each month too) will be in house auditing the same three days so I might have my cell ring with questions as I'm nodding off at the seminars... I got the paper piles as prepared as I could get them today...

home to find pizza and McDonalds and the usual... I resisted and had 2 veggie burgers and 3 fish patties (still lazy, but I actually used the pan to heat them up cuz the pan was clean for once and the kitchen was semi-clean)... about 600 calories total, throw in about 50 calories of veggies and there's a balanced low-cal dinner, right?... I believe I stayed under 1000 calories today, so the semi-fast is becoming a low-cal diet and yes, the gym... infinitely better than the first night two nights ago... and I am still breathing, yay...

and talking all those pills...

before the gym, 24... it's reaching that point where it's driving me a bit bonkers cuz while the show doesn't move usually too slowly, the weeks in between make the show seem to drag on and on... I usually lose interest and come back for the last few episodes... Prison Break is similar... as is/was Heroes... meanwhile, TV is still the best sleeping pill I know...

thanks for the comments :)

how it works it's made

the TV show, I mean, How It Works It's Made kept me awake to midnight when I was so ready to just not off about 9pm or earlier... curiousity got the best of me and so I did not get here and this is a sleepy morning as I write a quick catch up on Sunday... no time to work on the other blogs...

woke up, showered, relaxed, then went to Elpien's house as she had a gathering of work people as her parents and niece came to visit from up north (Virginia, I think)... next weekend Jackson and I are taking Elpien's niece to Disney, so this was kind of a meet and greet for us... there are also two concerts next weekend and I was thinking of going to at least one, so it may be a very busy (and very expensive) weekend... and there's no eating healthy out there, dangit... sigh and all... but life goes on and I don't want to pass up fun just because the timing isn't just right for me...

barbecue, mashed potatoes, cole slaw, green beans, cake, fruit... all home made... Elpien and family love to eat (which is why we're taking her niece to Disney, simply, they are not mobile enough)... you may recall she is into serious excess in the food zone... I was also there to help Elpien's niece learn how to work an mp3 player she got... and fix Elpien's computer (though I still told her to use the service contract she paid for as there is a registry error I did not want to take the time to investigate... it is working much better now though)...

I broke my fast and ate, but only one reasonably portioned plate and one piece of cake) and now will return to the quasi-fast for as long as I can hold out (hopefully until next weekend)... I did feel much more energy on Sunday than I did on Saturday... the gym and extra calories (up to about 800-900 by the time Saturday was over and then at least 1000, probably more, on Sunday) helped... this food-calorie blogging is getting boring...

and then, home and How it Works and sleep...

hope you had a fun Sunday too :)

text messaging

I have unlimited text messaging on my phone and I only scratch the surface of using it... a few of you already text occasionally, but if anybody else feels like sending text words through the phone, push some buttons to create a message and then send it to 407-325-1482 and who knows, we might even talk someday (I will not call unless you tell me to, in case you just want to keep contact to the occasional text message like comments on the web)... if you don't have text messaging, never mind :)

I should probably put this on the side bar since it will be sliding down tomorrow...

anyway, I went to the gym... trudged, to be more precise... trudged through a light, but chilly rain... I should have worn my old sneakers and not my upscale New Balance cross training shoes (ain't I cool?)... I got to the gym, let myself in, and wow, all new equipment... and more than before... I was so excited, I almost forgot I was lethargic from an extended pattern of laziness, quasi-fasting the past four days, and that it was within less than two hours of eating... I played with the new machines, checked out new features (need the manuals to read and learn how to make the heart rate feature work on the lifecycle... it works on the treadmill)...

life is a bit blurry and I am definitely exhausted, but yay for maybe starting over again for the thousandth time (at least)... hope you did something good for you today :)

going to the gym

I figured I'd mention it just in case I never get back... energy is extremely low... I'll take my phone, just in case I pass out and can push the buttons before I lose muscle control... I also started another new blog and ressurected another a bit... maybe I'll link it later, or one of these days...

be careful out there :)

so there I was hunting low carb bread

we started as hunter gatherers, after all... at least that's what some historians and scientists would like us to believe... I like to think we tried a little bit of everything and did what we had to do to survive and evolve... anyway, I went shopping for my quasi-fast (now about to enter it's fourth day)... somewhere in the back of my mind a voice pondered how much of an oxymoron low carb bread might be, but I looked on the shelves anyway.. no luck...

I bought seven packs of veggie burgers, detergent (cuz it was time for laundry), paper plates (cuz trees love me that much), and vitamins and herbal stuff... yes, I am going high-tech ancient herbal... this odd list that follows was chosen mostly because of what these chemicals are supposed to do, but also because a few borderline items were semi-reasonably priced... I am poor, random is good too...

yes, here we have an example of one of the interpretations of the genius, folly, friends section over there on the right... originally that was wisdom, folly, genius because friends are wisdom, or something like that, but I changed it in my almost thoughtless and definitely haphazard momentary nomenclature game that I play from time to time... sometimes it's fun to name things...

anyway, some of the items on this list, when integrated with the current state of the body and physical needs for optimal health, may be pure genius... and some may be pure folly... and in the end, if it works, it demonstrates my intuitive wisdom... and the value of reading package labels... ok, all laughter aside, this is the new pill popping habit I am going to get into any day now (complete with prices... I will shop around next time, hence the dual value in this list)...

Milk Thistle (175mg) Milk Thistle (1000mg) Cranberry Green Tea Extract Cayenne Fruit Echinacea Papaya Enzyme Odorless Garlic Lecithin Cinnamon Ginkgo Biloba Vitamin E (400I.U.) Vitamin E (1000I.U.) Bilberry Extract

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

$5.08 $5.94 $9.96 $2.98 $2.97 $8.74 $4.73 $5.22 $3.47 $4.96 $7.43 $13.62 $14.88 $3.62

add the already daily Vitamin B, C, and multi-vitamin and the blood pressure pill and the pill-popping baby is all set... yeah, so we're gonna eat pills for about a month, then, if I am still breathing, I'll hopefully start exercising again at a lighter weight (which is so much easier to motivate myself to do)...

of course this could be just my way of putting off exercise for another month and if that's the case, I'll probably see through my self-deception any day now and find myself moving more, maybe even toward the trail or gym... this entry (suddenly, he realizes) belongs in the exercise body fitness physical log...

work was work, end of month reports and the usual requests for additional projects cuz I've got mad computer skillz compared to everybody else in the place... home was nap time, briefly, cuz then we went to the plays at Precious's school... except for many sound problems because the teachers in charge decided to play with brand new equipment nobody knew how to use, it was very good... and then, shopping... and then, laundry starts and I eat a salad and come here and rambled on so you'd know all this stuff...

and just as of course as the last of course, this could all backfire on me and give me heartburn or indigestion or worse, the expedients (or whatever they are called) in the pills could muck up the liver and kidneys even more, counteracting any positive effects the strange brew might provide... hmmmm, strange brew... I wonder what this mix (the content of the pills) would taste like brewed like tea... ironically, except for the cinnamon and cayenne (and probably milk thistle), this is done and sold as energy drinks...

I just burped cinnamon...

and so I didn't find low carb bread, but I have some genius or folly new hope that I am doing something about the lab results and the fun of playing with chemicals and this body is keeping me occupied for now... of course this is the method to my madness and how I enjoy life (which is, after all, a journey toward death no matter what we do, at least as far as we know right now)... I was amused that the girl at the register was looking at my stuff and me rather oddly...

I think her daddy took her T-bird away...

focused elsewhere

maybe the lab results were just the impetus I sought to motivate me to feel better and less bloated and stop waiting for the fitness guru of my dreams to come save me with delicious healthy meals and wild sexual exercise... alas, some things I just have to do for myself... so I did pick up a salad at work, but left it in the fridge there without touching it... so far that's 270 calories of hot dogs yesterday and 200 calories of veggie burger today... yeah, it's a semi-fast... science says I should start dropping weight if I eat less than 500 calories a day, right?...

work was putting together a discharge summary packet and distributing it to the respective parties who are responsible for doing it... we've been getting poor results from surveys about our discharge process and I'm hoping this will help change it... I took responsibility for hounding people to do their parts on time and the packet pieces now go to me upon discharge so I can follow up and give kudos or harrassment as necessary... a couple of end of month reports were completed and distributed and a few more shall be tomorrow's work...

home was falling asleep within an hour of sitting in the big green chair and waking just after 10pm, listening to Precioustell me about her day (while her friend was in her room on her computer), listening to Rasputin remind me about fantasy baseball (he set up a league draft for saturday... so I interupted my introspective meditations to spend two hours running through it to be ready for Saturday) and tickets for Precious's play tomorrow night... in between, I cleared some cobwebs, set up new logs in the land of the mostly dead to encourage myself to consider exercising again, and rambled on...

and now, moments before 4am, to bed...

love me, love you, love life :)